Body Of Osama Bin Laden Found By Deep Sea Fisherman

LAHORE, Pakistan – empire news body of osama bin laden discovered off coast in pakistan

The body of terrorist Osama Bin Laden was found by a deep sea fisherman off the coast of Pakistan yesterday. The fisherman, whose name was not released due to fears of threats against his life, has reportedly been offered $1 million USD by the Tabliban to return the body to them, but the fisherman is reportedly interested in holding out for more, supposedly contacting representatives in the White House to test their interest in purchasing

According to the fisherman, he discovered the body about 8 miles off the coast of his hometown of Pasni, Pakistan. Bin Laden was pulled from an area of ocean where the depth is only about 75 meters. His body was well wrapped in a clear plastic tarp, and then tied up in a white cloth. Despite Bin Laden’s body having been disposed of in the ocean 3 years ago, his corpse was reportedly in near-immaculate condition, possibly preserved by the salt water and plastic wrapping.

“I was scared at first, finding a body.” Said the fisherman in an interview with his local newspaper. “I pulled it onto the ship, and I was astonished and amazed. I never in a million years thought I would find not only a body, but the body of Bin Laden. I was so excited – I plan to make a lot of money off this!”

Representatives for the US Government say it is impossible that anyone has recovered Bin Laden’s body.

“There is no way that he was found in the ocean near Pakistan, or any ocean for that matter. The odds of that are exactly zero, and I refuse to say how I know that, except to say that I just…know.” Said Cpt. Issac Hillum, a spokesman for the US Army. “A body off the coast of Pakistan? Entirely believable. The government kills people and disposes of their useless corpses by ‘burial at sea’ almost on a daily basis. But Osama Bin Laden? No, I’m sorry. It’s literally impossible.”

Several high-ranking members of the Taliban have a decidedly different opinion on the matter, and say that the US is denying that Bin Laden’s body has been discovered to hide traces of torture inflicted on him before and after his death.

“We have seen the photos, we know it is our leader.” Said Anam Sammer G. Hadd, current leader of the Taliban forces in Pakistan. “We are prepared to pay to retrieve the body and give it a proper burial. We will stop at nothing to make sure his body is returned to us. That is a warning you had better heed.”

With each side having conflicting opinions on the identity of the body pulled from the ocean, the last word will rest in the hands of the man who is in possession of him.

“I know who it is. I am not blind. The photos are proof, and now the world will know. If the US doesn’t want his body, then I will sell to the Taliban. Or I will sell to a private citizen anywhere in the world. What they do with it, I don’t care to know. The first person who hits my asking price will be given his body. ” Said the fisherman.

Currently, that asking price is $5 million USD. President Obama refused to comment on the possibility of it being Osama Bin Laden, or whether they would purchase the body if testing proved positively that it was.

 

Texas Cheerleader And Internet-Famed Hunter Kendall Jones Mauled By Leopard In South Africa

empire-kendall-jones-attacked-by-leopard-killed-hunter-texas-cheerleaderNELSPRUIT, SOUTH AFRICA — A Texas Cheerleader who has gained Internet fame overnight and sparked controversy by posting pictures online of big game animals she had hunted was attacked by a leopard on Monday and airlifted to a hospital in Nelspruit, South Africa.

Kendall Jones is a 17-year-old from Texas who has gained popularity quickly after posting images on her Facebook page of herself posing with wild animals she had hunted.  She had received heat, including many death threats, from animal activists prompting Facebook to remove the images from her page.

Kendall had been on vacation in South Africa with her parents.  They had made several stops in Africa before arriving at the Kruger National Park to hunt.

According to eyewitnesses, Kendall was loading equipment into a truck when she attacked by a leopard that was able to sneak up on the group unnoticed. A guide that was travelling with Jones was able to shoot the leopard before it inflicted severe damage.

“The leopard came out of nowhere and went straight for Kendall as if it was on a mission,” said Mehleli Ndlovu, a South African wildlife guide.  “She just dropped to the ground and started screaming about how she would never hunt again.  It was very odd.  I was able to shoot the leopard quickly.  It only got a couple scratches on her but she was crying like she was going to die and insisted that we get her to a hospital.”

Kendall received several lacerations to one leg.  She was airlifted to the Nelspruit Medi-Clinic where she received stitches to one wound on her upper leg and was released shortly after.

Man Gets Beaten Up After Posting Video Of Himself Hitting Dog To Internet

After Tom-Jan Hüsch’s girlfriend broke up with him, he decided to take revenge to an extreme level by violently hitting and punching the dog his girlfriend bought him as a present. Worst of all he decided to film it all and upload to Facebook.

Warning: This footage you are about to see is very distressing.

This video was since removed from Facebook, however the video instantly went viral, attracting the attention of one man who decided to bring this little dog justice by tracking down Hüsch and inflicting the same pain to him that Hüsch inflicted on the poor, defenseless animal.

empire-man-beat-up-animal-abuse-hits-dog-puppy

The guy also took a video of himself beating up Hüsch, which he later posted online as a warning to everyone that animal cruelty and abuse would not be tolerated in Germany.

Hüsch’s attacker was later identified as Josef Guldschmitt. Guldschmitt explained his attack in a interview by phone this evening.

“I really wanted him to die.” said Guldschmitt. “If I could have found my pliers, I would have twisted his scrotum off too.”

As of today, no charges have been filed against Guldschmitt.

At least 17 Bodies Found In Ohio River Near Henderson, Kentucky

empire-17-bodies-found-ohio-river-dexter-killerHENDERSON, Kentucky –

A mass burial ground was discovered by divers near Henderson, Kentucky yesterday, after a local man walking his dog had alerted police that he thought he saw someone floating down the Ohio River.

Police searched the area, and discovered at least 17 bodies in different stages of dismemberment and decay. The bodies were all found wrapped individually in plastic bags.

“This could be the most prolific, active serial killer in the United States.” Said Captain Owen St. Pierre of the Henderson police department. “Two of the bodies identified so far have been determined to have extensive criminal records; we are considering the possibility that these murders could be inspired by the television series Dexter.

Dexter, which ran for several seasons on the cable network Showtime followed the story of a serial killer who only killed criminals.

Several attempts were made to resuscitate at least one of the dismembered bodies, with no avail.

“Kentucky law requires that an attempt be made to resuscitate if possible,” said Joseph Goldsmith, a member of the search and rescue team.  “I know it seemed to be a long-shot, given the body was in several different pieces, but they require us to make an attempt.”

Currently, police are considering all possible leads in their investigation, and so far have questioned several higher-ranking members of the prominent Kentucky Mafia, as well as leaders of both major street gangs. So far, their efforts have turned up no new information.

“We will work tirelessly on this case until we see that the person or persons responsible are prosecuted to the fullest extend of the law.” Said Captain St. Pierre.

Names of the identified bodies were not made available, pending notification to the families.

Police Officer Suspended After Putting 3-Year-Old Toddler In Handcuffs

COVINGTON, Louisiana –  empire-news-officer-suspended-after-handcuffing-3-year-old-toddler

A veteran police officer has been suspended from duty this week after allegations that he handcuffed a 3-year-old toddler and put him in the back of a police car because he was “annoyed” with the child’s actions when responding to a domestic disturbance call at the home of the child’s mother.

Jennifer Goldsmith says that when officer Mark Deville showed up at her house after she called for police assistance, he immediately scolded her crying son, Joey, telling him to “shut the fuck up.” When Joey wouldn’t stop fussing, Deville allegedly handcuffed the child behind his back, picked him up, and brought him to his police cruiser.

Joey was left in the car for only about 10 minutes before Deville let him out, but Goldsmith says that her son was just upset because of a fight she had with her husband, Joseph Sr., and that he was scared because there was lots of yelling. According to police reports, the couple had physically hit each other several times, and had thrown pieces of furniture and empty liquor bottles across the room. Their young child was in the room the entire time.

“My husband and I may have been having some problems that upset my son, but that doesn’t excuse the actions that Officer Deville, or Officer Devil as we call him, took with my son,” Said Goldsmith. “He should be ashamed of himself for berating a small child, and treating him like a criminal. We are planning to sue the asses off him and the entire police department. No one handcuffs my child or tells him to ‘shut the fuck up’ except for me or his father.”

After the story broke in a local newspaper, The Covington Herald, on Wednesday of this week, police chief Michael Horgan immediately suspended Deville while they look to investigate his actions.

“Officer Deville is a decorated marine, who has been on our police force for over two decades,” Said Chief Horgan. “He’s only had 6 or 7 complaints of brutality in that time period, and only 2 other suspensions for complaints against him, which is the fewest of any of the officers under my command. I will be investigating the matter personally, but I can tell you right now that even if [Mark] did handcuff the kid, the boy probably deserved it. Kids are a real pain in the ass sometimes, ya know?”

“Some kids, they just need a stern hand,” Said Deville when questioned about the incident. “Obviously his parents couldn’t handle him, so yeah, I put him in my cruiser. I didn’t use the zipties on him or anything for crying out loud. I just used regular old fashioned handcuffs, and the kid slipped out of them in about two seconds because he has tiny toddler wrists. That’s the reason I ended up bringing him to my car. Incidentally, he stopped crying while he was out there. Probably because he didn’t have to look at his mom’s bitch face anymore.”

Both parents were arrested for domestic battery that evening, and their son spent the night with his grandmother.

Representatives at the Policemen’s Benevolent Association, the union that represents Deville, had no comment on the case. Deville himself is scheduled to appear before the policeman’s board on Monday to explain and defend his actions.

Oprah Posts Bail For ‘Sexy Felon’ Jeremy Meeks

STOCKTON, California – Empire-News-Oprah-Pails-Bail-For-Sexy-Felon-Jeremy-Meeks

The internet was abuzz this past week when a mug shot of accused arms dealer Jeremy Meeks hit the web, making women swoon and men jealous over his movie-star good looks.

Apparently all the attention Meeks has gotten since being arrested has only helped him, as billionaire actress and media mogul Oprah Winfrey has reportedly agreed to pay Meeks’ $900,000 bail, with the intent of giving him a job as a talk show host on her OWN Network.

“Jeremy is so beautiful. He’s really one of the most gorgeous men I’ve ever seen.” Said Winfrey. “I saw his picture while I was checking my Twitter, and my heart skipped a beat. He is practically the definition of the word ‘sexy’.”

Meeks has said he will gladly take the offer of hosting his own program, as it has always been his dream to get out of arms dealing and move into the entertainment world. He is reportedly working with Winfrey, her producers, and a group of writers to determine the best kind of show for his ‘style.’

“I am not a doctor, so I guess I can’t really be Dr. Phil or anything.” Said Meeks. “What I’ve suggested is a milder version of a Jerry Springer, where my guests are mostly cons and criminals like me, and I can maybe help them get or stay on the straight-and-narrow.”

Winfrey may not be looking just to have a new face for her network, though. Possible troubled waters with Winfrey and longtime partner Stedman Graham mean that it’s always possible that Winfrey is looking towards a future with a younger, more handsome beau.

“Oh gosh, that’s just not true.” Said Winfrey, giggling like a school girl. “I really just want for Jeremy to find a better life. He’s got a beautiful girl and a family already. He certainly doesn’t need me or my billions of dollars to hang onto.”

For now, Meeks has said he just wants to get his life back on track, and is extremely thankful that he is being given this opportunity.

“I never thought that becoming an internet meme would parlay into a career.” Said Meeks. “This is truly the best thing I could have ever hoped for.”

Meeks is scheduled to be back in court next week.

Casey Anthony, George Zimmerman To Star In New Reality TV Show

MIAMI, Florida – empire-news-george-zimmerman-casey-anthony-to-star-in-new-reality-series

Casey Anthony and George Zimmerman have been cast in a new reality series about people who have been acquitted of murder.

The show, which goes by the working title of Beat the System, is being developed by the Investigation Discovery network, and is set to air in the fall of 2014. It will be the first unscripted reality show developed by the ID Network.

The series will star Anthony and Zimmerman, who became friends in real life after they bonded over their recent brushes with the law, and their eventual acquittals of murder.

“I am so happy that Casey and I got offered this reality series.” Said Zimmerman, who was found not guilty for the murder of young teen Trayvon Martin. “We are really excited to start filming next week in Miami.”

Beat the System is going to follow the everyday lives of Anthony and Zimmerman, to get an insight into what it is like after you are found not guilty of a crime that the entire world knows you’ve committed. The ID Network is advertising it as a Kate Plus 8 meets Unsolved Mysteries kind of show.

“George and I became so close after his trial.” Said Anthony, who was acquitted of murdering her young daughter, Caylee.  “I began writing to him during his ordeal, offering my support, because I went through the same thing. He wrote back, and we became good friends. I’m so excited for this series. I really want people to see that George and I are just regular people. We grocery shop, go to the movies, and party like everyone else.”

After advertisements for the show hit television networks and YouTube, a backlash of emails began flooding the offices of the ID Network, demanding the show be cancelled before it even starts.

“How dare anyone profit off these heinous crimes.” Said one angry viewer. “These two pieces of filth should be behind bars, and everyone knows it. This show is a disgrace to TV, and I don’t know anyone who will be watching it.”

“These two are famous. In fact, they are more than famous. They’re infamous.” Said Joe Goldsmith, president of the Investigation Discovery Network. “It doesn’t matter how they got to be famous. They are known faces, their backstories are known. What isn’t known, though, is how they deal every day with the same basic things everyone has to. What it’s like for them to be in public and be recognized. We are trying to put a humanitarian face on two people who are very misunderstood.”

“It’s the best thing to come out of all of this tragedy.” Said Anthony. “George and I, we’ve been through so much. Now we can put our pasts to rest and focus on this great new future, this great show.”

Reportedly, an episode is also set to feature Anthony and Zimmerman visiting their mutual friend O.J. Simpson in prison. Simpson was acquitted of murdering his wife and friend almost 2 decades ago, but was recently sentenced to 32 years in prison for his part in an armed robbery.

“I wish that [Simpson] could have been a part of this show on a regular basis. He’s a great guy, and Casey and I owe so much to him.” Said Zimmerman. “I know that he would get a kick out of reality TV.”

The ID Network reportedly stands to make more money off this show than almost all their other programming combined, with advertisers offering upwards of 3 and 4 times the normal rate for a standard 30-second commercial spot during the show. Anthony and Zimmerman also stand to make a small fortune, as each are reportedly earning $100,000 per episode, with 13 episodes ordered for the initial fall/winter season.

Charles Manson Granted Parole

empire-news-charles-manson-granted-parole-prison-freeCorcoran, California

One of the most famous killers in the American prison system will soon be walking free. On Tuesday Charles Manson, who is now 79 years old, was granted parole by the California Board of Parole and authorized by California Governor Jerry Brown.

According to California Board of Parole Hearings Commissioner John Peck, prison overcrowding  forced the prison board to re-evaluate prisoners that are elderly or those with serious illnesses.  In February a panel of federal judges ordered California Gov. Jerry Brown (D) two more years to reduce chronic prison overcrowding that has cost the state billions of dollars.

The ruling, issued by three judges overseeing the state’s efforts to ease the overcrowding, gives California until February 2016 to achieve their goals. But, the judges said, the state has to make elderly inmates and those with serious illnesses eligible for parole immediately.

Manson, who was denied parole in April of 2012 and wasn’t scheduled for another parole hearing until 2027, was re-evaluated due to his age and health and the Parole Board recommended his parole.

“He is 79 years old and in poor health,” said Commissioner Peck. “We know it’s not going to be a popular decision but, considering our other options, he’s the least threat.”

Protesters have already planned to picket the lawn outside of the prison in Corcoran, but what is more surprising is the number of supporters that have come out to express joy over the news.

“It’s a great [expletive] day in America!” said Joe Goldsmith, who camped out in front of the prison Wednesday morning, decked out in Manson gear and sporting tattoos covering his face. “Manson is my idol”

While parole was granted, the actual release date has not yet been set.

All Prisons In Europe May Close


empire-news-wormwood-scrubs-prisons-europe-closeLONDON —
 A convicted criminal has made an astonishing complaint to the European Court of Human Rights, on the grounds that being in prison infringes his basic human rights.

Jerry Buckles, a lifelong petty crook and infamous thug, was jailed for the attempted robbery of the local supermarket where he was working. Unfortunately, when he tried to get the automatic checkout machine to give him all its cash, it refused to comply and just told him repeatedly, “Object found in bagging area”.

Buckles is now serving a 5 year term in Wormwood Scrubs, one of Britain’s worst prisons. But he has found a loophole in the Human Rights Act which may mean he is free in weeks.

“It’s quite simple,” said his lawyer Joseph Goldsmith. “The Act says that everyone has the right to liberty. There is nothing in there to say that prisoners are not included in having that right.” Mr Goldsmith has a personal interest in the outcome too, as he is Buckles’ fellow inmate.

If the pair are successful in bringing their case to the European Court, then it is possible that all prisons across the EU will have to close. However, Minister of Justice Herbert Clamp didn’t think that was likely. He said, “We have a plan of action in the event that prisons are declared illegal by the HRA. We will simply declare all prisoners to be sub-human scum – which they are – and then the Act does not apply.”

College Student Excused From Classes After Dog Eats Grandmother

empire-news-pitbull-attacks-grandmother-student-excused-miami-ohioOXFORD, OH– 

A student at Miami Ohio University is receiving a lot of attention after a letter he wrote to his professor went viral.

According to the letter, the student, Joseph Goldsmith, claimed that his dog, “ate my grandmother” the night before his final exam.

The letter was thought to be a joke but it turned out that his grandmother actually was attacked and seriously injured by his dog, a pitt bull named Gator.

The seemingly absurd letter was posted online and soon went viral after photos of the grandmother covered in stitches were posted.

 

Emailed the distraught student to his professor:

Prof. Neudhardt,

I wont be able to make the exam today because my dog ate my grandmother, who was receiving radiation treatments and might have irradiated my dog, Gator, who is currently being hospitalized at the vet.

Can I come in on Thursday to take the exam, once my dog is released from the hospital?

Prof. Neudhardt is expected to excuse the student from the exam on Monday, pending proof of the diseased grandmother’s condition.

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