Outed Millionaire Cheater Puts $5 Million Bounty On Ashley Madison Hacker

Posted on August 28, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

ONTARIO, Canada –

An anonymous millionaire in Ontario, Canada has posted a $5 million dollar bounty on the hackers who leaked sensitive information from the website AshleyMadison.com, a website dedicated to helping married men and women have discreet hook-ups and affairs.

The millionaire, who took out full page ads in the Ontario Free Press, The New York News, and the LA Gazette, said that he was an active member of the website and, although many people are currently suing the AshleyMadison website, he felt that there was a better way of “getting justice.”

“Just because I can’t keep it in my pants, doesn’t mean that I want the world to know about it,” read the full-spread ad, included in Friday’s edition. “My name is one of over 35 million active users, and I paid for a service that was supposed to keep my name OUT of the spotlight. I’ve made enough money in my life that I can and will cum anywhere I want, whenever I want, on whoever I want, and I will do it discreetly so that my wife doesn’t take half my money in the divorce. This leak of private information is a disgrace and an outrage.”

The ad went on to say that there was a $5 million dollar ‘bounty’ to the first person who could find the hackers, and release their names publicly.

“If they’re going to go ahead and release my name, and everyone’s name, then they should be known. Anonymous is bullshit! Unless, of course, you’re trying to get your rocks off without your wife knowing. Then anonymity is everything.”

So far, all 3 major newspapers have been inundated with calls and emails asking about the purchaser of the ad, but so far, they’ve actually been able to keep all information private.

Caitlyn Jenner To Have Fetus Surgically Implanted

Posted on July 19, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

LOS ANGELES, California –

In an exclusive interview with Newsmonth Magazine last week, Caitlyn Jenner says that she is interested in taking the next step in becoming a woman. Although Jenner has clearly undertaken several surgeries to change the look of her face, she has reportedly stopped short of some of the “larger” surgeries one would undergo to fully transition from man to woman. Apparently, though, this hasn’t stopped Jenner from jumping a few steps, and going straight into surgical implantation of a fetus.

“I don’t know where they’re putting it just yet,” said Jenner to Newsmonth. “There are some scientific things to work out, and there are some biological things that we’re working out, but at my age and with my birth-assigned gender, going through a surgery to have a fetus implanted is the only way I can become a mom.”

“I have no idea why Dad…Mom…Caitlyn…I have no idea why the person formally known as Bruce Jenner would want to go through a pregnancy, or whatever this would be, at his…her…aw hell, I don’t know what pronoun to use,” said Jenner’s son Joey Jenner. “The hell with it. This entire idea is stupid, every bit of it. I’m okay with Dad becoming a woman; whatever, it’s his…ugh, it’s her life. But this is just stupid. What a health risk.”

Doctors say that there is no logical reason they can’t implant Jenner with a fetus, they just also have to implant a uterus, a bunch of other “internal organ” type things, and possibly a birth canal and a vagina.

“I think that Caitlyn Jenner is a marvel of the modern age,” said Dr. Harris Millstead, Jenner’s surgeon. “Bruce Jenner was an Olympian, and he was on a Wheaties box. Caitlyn Jenner won an ESPY and was on the cover of Vanity Fair. Obviously, Jenner has lived a life more full than anyone in the history of the universe. If she wants a baby, then by the powers of medical science, I will give her a damn baby.”

“Frankly, I wish we could just stop talking about her all together,” said Fred Myers, a random person we questioned on the street. “Who cares? Why is Jenner a hero for doing with thousands and thousands of other people did before her? Why is she winning awards for ‘courage’ when she hasn’t done anything courageous? Oh, because her PR team worked out a deal with ABC and ESPN for her to get that award on TV. That’s right. Just like everything else in Hollywood, Caitlyn Jenner is all about packaging herself. This will make for a great episode of I Am Caitlin, that’s obvious.”

Truer words were never spoken.

Abortion Clinic Busted For Selling Fetuses To Chinese Restaurant

Posted on March 20, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

SELLERSBURG, Indiana –

A local Sellersburg establishment was shut down by police and health inspectors this week, after an investigation of the Beijing Chinese restaurant showed that they were purchasing aborted fetuses from the Sunbright Family Planning Clinic.

Police first became aware of the Beijing restaurant using human fetuses as part of their cuisine when several people were hospitalized after eating at the restaurant. Representatives from the Sellersburg Department of Health were called by doctors at Clark Memorial Hospital to investigate the conditions at Beijing, assuming improper food storage or preparations. The Department of Health was shocked at what they found.

“They had an entire walk-in refrigerator dedicated to unborn fetuses, all of them in different stages of dismemberment. It was clear they were using them as part of their recipes.” Said Brendan Kelly, department head for the Sellersburg D.O.H. “We immediately closed the restaurant, and contacted state officials.”

“We were contacted by the Department of Health, who informed us that a local abortion clinic may be selling discarded fetuses to the Beijing restaurant.” Said Captain Joseph Goldsmith of the Indiana State Police. “We moved in quickly on both establishments, making sure that we got a lock on all this as soon as possible.”

Along with the owners of the Beijing Restaurant, Soi Cha and Fo Shi, officials also arrested two men from the Sunbright Family Planning Clinic. Alex Coates and Ryan Wintson will be facing charges for their part in the theft and sale of the fetuses, which officials believe had been happening for years.

“Alex and Ryan were two members of our nighttime cleaning crew who’d worked for us for almost 6 years.” Said Doctor Thomas Telford of the Sunbright Clinic. “I am shocked that they could or would do something like this. Sickened and appalled.”

All four men will be facing charges in Sellersburg Superior Court. Cha and Shi, the purchasers of the unborn fetuses, are charged with assault and attempted manslaughter, because of the illnesses they caused in customers, as well as with the lesser charge of dismembering a corpse, which is a misdemeanor in the state of Indiana. Coates and Winston are being charged with theft and sale of human remains, theft of medical supplies and equipment, theft of medical waste, assault, and attempted manslaughter. Each are facing up to a 9 year sentence if convicted.

“This is without a doubt the most disturbing thing that’s happened in this town.” Said Kelly. “We never expected to come across something so dark and grotesque.”

Both Beijing and the Sunbright Clinic have been closed for investigation until further notice. Doctors at Sunbright Clinic say they were completely unaware that this was happening in their offices, and at the time of this writing, no charges were being filed against any of their medical staff.

AMC Announces ‘Breaking Bad’ To Return For 6th Season; You Won’t Believe This Plot Twist

Posted on October 14, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LOS ANGELES, California –

If you were are fan of the hit AMC TV show Breaking Bad, then I hope you’re sitting down for this news. Vince Gilligan, the creator of the much-loved series, has announced that on top of working on creating spin-off series Better Call Saul, he and his writers have begun working on a sixth season for Breaking Bad.

“It’s true, we did decide to come back for another round with Walt,” said series creator Gilligan. “Better Call Saul is going to be able to stand on its own, but there is more to Walt’s story. He hasn’t died just yet.”

Gilligan says that the story he wanted to tell got wrapped up ‘too quickly,’ and that he, his producers, and AMC executives mutually decided that they needed to provide the fans with at least one more season.

“I was contacted by executives from AMC, the network which had been our home for five great seasons,” said Gilligan. “They told me, in no few words, that they couldn’t survive as a company on just the strength of The Walking Dead; as good as people think that show is for some reason, as many records as it might break, it doesn’t have the viewership or the type of rabid fans that Bad has. So yes, this is about continuing the story for our fans, but it’s also about AMC really, really not wanting to let go of a franchise that has made their channel a contender in the world of cable.”

Series star Bryan Cranston, who previously played the lovable, goofy father on Malcolm In The Middle, became famous as Walter White, teacher-turned-meth dealer, who fans couldn’t get enough of for 5 straight years.

“I knew the show would be huge,” said Cranston in an interview last May. “It was written too well, the ideas and characters so involved, it was a lot of fun working on the series, and I’m glad I got to be a part of it.”

Cranston said that he was approached almost immediately last month about continuing the series, and didn’t hesitate for a second once he was told a bit about where they wanted to go with his character, and with the series as a whole.

“I loved playing Walter, and I was glad to jump at the chance to do it one more time,” said Cranston. “We have a lot of things happening in this last season – not giving too much away, obviously Walter didn’t die. Jesse is on the run, and our relationship is strained. The DEA and FBI don’t know Walter is alive, so the meth still flows for a while. I already know that Walt ends up in jail at some point, there is a trial, but you can bet that won’t be how the series ends, either. Everyone will be in for a real treat in season 6, I can promise that. I haven’t seen the final ending script, so hell, maybe season 6 won’t even be the last, who knows?”

Breaking Bad, which was the recipient of 10 Emmy awards during its run, begins shooting season 6 in December. The entire original cast is expected to return.

Blake Griffin Smacks Justin Bieber At Hollywood Starbucks

Posted on October 5, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

WEST HOLLYWOOD, California –

Justin Bieber simply can’t seem to keep himself out of trouble.

Police were dispatched this morning to respond to an altercation at a Starbucks in West Hollywood involving some familiar faces. According to police reports, a barista at the coffee-house was apparently confronted by Bieber when he refused to serve the pop star because Bieber wasn’t wearing a shirt.

“He came in with no shirt on, and his pants hanging down and underwear showing. He tried to order a caramel apple macchiato,” said Joey Goldsmith, the Starbucks barista. “I know that it’s Hollywood, and we get some crazy looking folks in here. Celebrities, too. They all wear shirts, though. I simply informed Bieber that our store policy stated he would have to put a shirt on if he wanted to order. Everyone else in the place had a shirt on. Why the hell doesn’t Bieber ever have a shirt on, anyway?”

Customers in the coffee-house say that Bieber snapped, and according to the police report, started swearing at and threatening Goldsmith, saying that he would get his bodyguard to ‘kick [Goldsmith’s] ass’ and to just ‘give [me] a f—— macchiato.”

Fortunately for Goldsmith, LA Clippers star Blake Griffin, who had been enjoying a drink at a nearby table and was witness to the altercation, decided to step in.

Patrons and employees at the scene reported that Griffin tried to calm Bieber down by simply talking to him, but that he wasn’t listening, apparently not even aware of who Griffin was, and mistakenly thinking he was fully protected by his bodyguards and friends. There was more yelling, and Bieber ended up pushing Griffin, telling him to ‘back off.’ Many people in the Starbucks commented, barely able to stifle their laughter, that after Bieber started shoving Griffin is when he smacked Bieber in the face, knocking him to the floor.

“He smacked the s— out of him, and Bieber went down like a sack of moldy tangerines,” said one witness. “Before anyone could think to whip out their cell phones and film it for YouTube, Justin’s entourage scooped him up and helped him stumble out of the door. I think he was crying. They threw a sweatshirt or something on him and literally stuffed him into the back of a car. It was kind of sad and pathetic, just like his music.”

Bieber was gone before police arrived at the scene, and no charges were brought against Griffin. His Starbucks coffee was on the house.

Man Arrested, Charged With Sexual Assault For Changing Daughter’s Diaper In Public

Posted on August 11, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

NEWARK, New Jersey –

A Newark man was arrested and charged with sexual assault of a minor for changing his 4-year-old daughter’s dirty diaper in a McDonald’s restaurant. Greg James, 29, was taken into police custody after an altercation with the store’s assistant manager, who found James openly changing his young daughter in the middle of the restaurant’s Play Place, triggered another customer to call 911.

“The two were in a booth in our Play Place area,” said restaurant assistant manager Jim Del. “The restaurant wasn’t very busy at the time, so they were alone in there. I went in to change the trash can liners, and Mr. James was yelling at his daughter for not letting him know she had to use the bathroom. He had her laying on the table, completely naked, and was cleaning her off using napkins and soda from his cup.”

Del reportedly asked James to take the girl into the bathrooms, where they had a changing area for small children.

“He told me to go f— myself, and he’d take care of it,” said Del. “He then yelled at his daughter because she was squirming, telling her to ‘stop f—– moving around’ while he finished changing her.”

Police responded to a call made by another patron of the McDonald’s, who reported seeing the father yelling at the young girl.

“I had just come into the McD’s with my 5-year-old son, and we had gotten our food and were walking into the play area,” said Martha Biggs, the patron who called the police. “And I see this man holding down a young, naked girl, a dirty poop-diaper sitting on the table next to his food, and he’s wiping her with napkins. The poor girl, she was crying. One of the employees was trying to get him to take his daughter into the bathroom, and he wouldn’t. I took my son out of the play area and immediately called the police.”

When officers arrived, James was readying to leave the restaurant, and they confronted him about the incident.

“Mr. James became belligerent, and tried taking a swing at one of the officers at the scene,” said Captain Aaron Silver of the Newark Police Department. “He claimed he had done nothing wrong and that we were ‘illegally detaining’ him. After several minutes, officers were able to forcibly arrest Mr. James and bring him in. His daughter was brought to the station as well and later picked up by her mother.”

James was arrested on one count of resisting arrest, and one count of sexual assault of a minor.

“Although normally one would think of sexual assault as a form of molestation or an actual sexual act, that is not all the falls under that definition when it comes to children,” said Captain Silver. “Because Mr. James had stripped his daughter in public, in full-view of any other patrons who walked in, including the woman who called us to inform of the incident, as well as her very young son, he is being charged with sexual assault, a crime he committed by openly disregarding the safety and privacy of his young daughter.”

James was released on $10,000 bail, and is due in court in September. He is restricted from unsupervised visits with his daughter until a verdict is made.

Woman Arrested For Breastfeeding At Wal-Mart

Posted on August 7, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LYNCHBURG, Virginia –

A mother who was breastfeeding her newborn daughter in a Lynchburg Wal-Mart was arrested on Wednesday evening after a store employee called the police for what they said was ‘lewd behavior.’ Mary Lambert, whose daughter, Kathy, is 5 months old, was shopping in her local Wal-Mart store when her baby began ‘fussing,’ and needed to be fed.

“I knew as soon as she started squirming that it was dinnertime,” said Lambert. “I was in a relatively secluded part of the back of the store, near the Lawn & Garden section, and I began to feed Kathy. She only needed a minute or two, then she was done, and I went along my way. I didn’t even know anyone had seen me.”

According to police reports, no one had seen her, at least not from within the aisles. A security guard, Aaron Silver, was monitoring the activities throughout the store from within the location’s security room, saw Lambert feeding and immediately called the police.

“She was basically getting naked in public. I could almost seen her nipple for a second. It’s disgusting,” said Silver. “I called the police because I wanted to have her removed from the store for her behavior.”

By the time police arrived at the store, Lambert had already finished her purchases and left. Tracing credit card receipts, they were able to determine her name, and from there they tracked Lambert to her home in downtown Lynchburg.

“I couldn’t believe when they showed up at my door,” said Lambert. “They handcuffed me and they took my baby into custody for the night, because her Dad was working a swing shift and wasn’t home. All the neighbors saw me getting put into the police car. It was the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me in my life.”

Lambert now has a misdemeanor charge on her record for public indecency, the first time in the state’s history that they’ve prosecuted a mother for breastfeeding her baby.

“Normally, we let things like this slide,” said state District Attorney Felisia Lewis. “We have laws that protect mothers from prosecution for situations exactly like this. We all have nipples, and it shouldn’t be a big deal. But in some cases, one rotten apple can spoil the bunch, as it were, and this security guard was offended enough that he personally pressed charges against Mrs. Lambert.”

“I have every right to be completely offended. As a God-fearing person, I don’t think it’s right that anyone, man or woman, expose themselves in public for any reason. It’s just disgusting,” said Silver.

Texas Football Coach Arrested For Giving Meth To Team As ‘Performance Booster’

Posted on August 2, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LINDEN, Texas –

Police in Linden, Texas arrested a junior high school football coach this past Tuesday after allegations that he was forcing his players to take doses of methamphetamine before practice.

According to Linden Police Chief Alton McWaters, parents of students had complained about strange behavior by their children following football practices.

“My son would come home and just act really strange,” said LaQuita Jones, a mother of one student. “He would just stand and stare at the walls for like an hour. Then one day I walked in to my kitchen and he was sitting on the floor next to a pile of his own feces saying, ‘look, I made Jesus’. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right.”

Police say they sent undercover officers to the school on Tuesday before football practice was scheduled to begin. The team had been meeting all summer, continuing practices even though school ended in late June, to stay in shape for what the school said they hoped would be a “terrific year” for Linden Junior High School sports.

“This arrest has marred what we hoped could be another winning season,” said assistant principal Joseph Goldsmith. “It’s a shame that this was going on right under our noses, and we never knew it.”

Carl Allen Byers, the school’s English teacher and coach of the football team, was taken in to custody immediately after undercover officers spotted him giving the drug to players.

Byers told officers, “I didn’t know it was wrong. I was just trying to give them a boost of energy.”

Arrested in connection with the incident was William Duncan, who was charged with delivery of a controlled substance in a drug-free zone. Duncan has bonded out of jail, according to McWaters.

Duncan was picked up in the parking lot of Mae Luster Stephens Junior High School. Linden is about 40 miles southwest of Texarkana, Texas.

McWaters also says officers found drugs in the coach’s truck. The investigation is ongoing.

10-Year-Old Girl Receives Breast Implants From Mexican Doctor

Posted on July 27, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LONDON, England –

Sarah Burge has been making international headlines for close to a decade as the ‘human Barbie,’ a woman who has spent almost a million dollars on plastic surgery and body augmentation. She last made waves in the news in 2011, when she gifted her then 7-year-old daughter, Poppy, a gift voucher for almost $16,000 worth of surgery in the form of breast implants. She said that the voucher, although extravagant, could not be used until Poppy turned 18.

Since that time, Burge has apparently changed her mind, recently allowing and paying for her daughter, who is now 10, to get breast implants. The pair had to fly to Mexico to find a doctor willing to perform the surgery on such a young child.

“Poppy kept bugging me to have it done,” said Burge. “She’d stomp her feet and throw a tantrum, and say things like ‘Mommy, you had your first surgery at 7! I’m 10 now! I want my surgery!’ After awhile, I realized that she was right, and I had to give in.”

Burge says that she did try many clinics in both the UK and the US first, and every doctor she spoke to turned her down flat. Some even threatened to inform child protective services.

“They were very rude, very crass,” says Burge of the doctors she spoke to. “I even offered to pay double their normal price for the cosmetic surgery, and the still refused. We finally found Dr. Rodriguez in Tijuana, and he was willing to perform the surgery for actually a lot less than anyone else.”

Dr. Jose Rodriguez is a non-certified plastic surgeon who works out of his offices, which are actually just small rooms attached to his apartment, in Tijuana, Mexico.

“I have been a surgeon for many, many years,” claims Rodriguez. “Sarah came to me after being turned down by lots of doctors. People with ethics and concerns for children. Me, I don’t have those things. I performed the surgery, and it went very, very well. Young girl, she has a great set of breasts now. She is going to be a beautiful woman, just like her mama.”

Burge’s young daughter, Poppy, said that she loved the experience of the surgery, and cannot wait to have more of them.

“I really want to get my ears trimmed back, like Mommy,” said Poppy. “I also want to get my butt tucked in and my hips shaved down. I don’t like my fingers, so I might have them shaved down, too. I also want to have my eyes dyed a different color and to have my lips puffed way out like Mommy’s. I want to be beautiful.”

“Plastic surgery is a multi-billion dollar industry throughout the world,” said Rodriguez. “It makes people happy, makes them feel better about themselves. What’s wrong with that?”

Burge has reportedly gifted several other vouchers to Poppy over the last few birthdays and holidays, including a $12,000 voucher for liposuction and $15,000 for various additional cosmetic surgery. These vouchers usually come as birthday gifts, at parties where Burge spends anywhere from $40,000 to $75,000 for Poppy and her friends.

“I like to make her happy. Everything I do is for my Poppy,” said Burge. “I can afford to do anything and everything to make her dreams come true, so why wouldn’t I do it?”

Jim Parsons Quits ‘The Big Bang Theory’ After On-Set Fight

Posted on July 20, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

PASADENA, California –

It looks as though of the most beloved characters on television today, Sheldon Cooper, won’t be returning to The Big Bang Theory for its 8th season, after actor Jim Parsons has walked-off set and quit the show because of an on-set fight with co-star Johnny Galecki.

According to sources on the show, which has been in the process of filming since June, tensions behind the scenes have been extremely high. Last year the show was nearly cancelled after several members of the main cast demanded massive pay raises, forcing producer and creator Chuck Lorre to choose between keeping his show on the air or letting it taper off.

“We had contracted everyone involved for season one, and then it took off, and immediately signed everyone on for 5 more seasons,” said Lorre. “After season 6, which everyone did for the same amount of money, I think the monotony of playing the same stupid characters for so long, for over 150 episodes, was really getting to everyone, Parsons especially. So they all asked for a pay raise. They got it going into season 7, but this time around, for the season we’re filming, the cast, or rather their agents, really wanted more than they deserved.”

CBS, the parent company who releases the show, relented and gave in to the demands of the stars, but it hasn’t been enough to keep a peace on set. Crew members report that there have been many fights over contracts and money behind-the-scenes, namely between stars Parsons and Galecki.

“I don’t really care that [Parsons] is gone. We can do a whole hell of a lot better with someone else, anyway,” said Galecki, who plays Leonard Hofstadter on the show. “Last season ended with [Parsons’ character] Sheldon running away because Leonard was moving out of the apartment. He was supposed to come back, obviously, and we shot a few scenes with him back, but now, the hell with it, they’re just going to write him out permanently.”

Writers and producers have been scrambling to come up with material for the currently-filming season, as well as a way to introduce a new character.

“We don’t know for sure what Jim [Parsons] is planning. We’re working that out right now,” said Lorre. “In the mean time, we do have interest from several actors to join the cast, including Michael Cera and Topher Grace, either of which would be a fantastic addition to the show.”

Parsons himself has yet to comment publicly on his departure. His agent released a statement saying that “certain aspects of [Parsons’] contract were not being met, and that he was within his rights to walk off set.”

CBS Films, the company who produces Big Bang, had no comment on their plans for a cast change, or whether or not they felt that Parsons would return.