6 States Vote To Make Masturbation Illegal In Ted Cruz-Backed Law; Is Your State One Of Them?

Posted on March 17, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

You probably missed it on your ballot last November, but a bill to make masturbation illegal was listed on the voter cards for all 50 states, mixed in with other major bills including ones looking to defund certain parts of the education budget, as well as the legalization of marijuana.

Bill #69H8R was introduced in 6 states, to what lawmakers are saying was “probably a huge mistake.”

“We don’t think that many people really read their ballots, and arbitrarily chose yes and no on certain questions,” said Rep. Joe Miller (D-Vermont). “They were rushing to get to the choice for president. It happens every four years, really. Some stupid law gets pushed through with very little notice or fanfare. Unfortunately, this new law will cause some severe problems in several states.”

Vermont, Georgia, New Hampshire, Idaho, Mississippi, and Delaware all voted to outlaw masturbation, in a law that will take effect April 1st. The bill was backed by staunch anti-masturbator Ted Cruz.

Naturally, people in all states are extremely upset.

“I definitely didn’t vote to outlaw whacking off,” said Idaho resident Mike Simon. “I jerk it at least twice a day, sometimes more. Are you telling me that I’m a criminal now? How the hell am I going to release tension after a long day at work?”

Several question how the government and police plan to enforce this law, but Miller says that goes hand-in-hand with recent news about CIA leaks.

“The government is always watching. We will see you masturbate through your webcams, your TVs, your phones, and your microwaves,” said Miller. “No matter what room in your own home you try to jack it in, someone will see you.”

Donald Trump Wants to ‘Co-President’ With Obama To Help Better Learn Job

Posted on March 8, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has said that he would like to hire Barack Obama to come back and work in the White House, and be his “co-President,” which he says is different from the Vice President, in that he wants to have someone who has already done the job, and “done it perfectly,” to help him learn the ropes.

“Despite our differences, it is quite obvious that my predecessor was extremely talented in his duties as President,” said Trump. “Obviously, I’m doing great things. I want to keep doing great things. No one wants to do more great things than I do. And I think the best way to do great things, and make America Great, is to hire someone who can be my right-hand man, and help get that done. That man is Barack Obama.”

Trump’s approval rating since taking office has been the lowest in history, and he says that because of this, a drastic change had to occur.

“I’m glad that Donnie has seen how difficult this is, and that he has reached out,” said Obama. “I am extremely grateful that he has shown to be a bigger man than I thought, and has reached out across the aisle, even, to help keep this country great. I’m with him 100%”

CNN Loses FCC License After Trump Declares Them ‘Fake News’

Posted on March 6, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Donald Trump has rung the death toll for the Cable News Network. According to recently filed documents, the once mega-giant news channel will be losing their FCC licenses, forcing them to stop broadcast on April 1. The blow comes after Trump declared the company ‘fake news,’ and blacklisted them from attending White House press conferences.

“CNN is the worst network on television today, and nothing they say about me is true,” said President Trump. “The only network worth watching is Fox News. They are true. They say true things, and they say the best things. CNN is the worst, and everything they say is fake news.”

After Trump declared the channel to be fake news, their ratings plummeted to the lowest in cable television history, with only around 100 to 150 people even tuning into the channel on a daily basis.

“We are saddened that Trump has chosen our network to the be the scapegoat for his War on Truth,” said CNN head Carl Nelson. “Because of his lies about our network, we have lost our licenses, and lost our ability to broadcast. Effective April 1st, we will no longer be on the air.”

Nelson says they are trying to convince the FCC that they should be allowed to continue broadcasting, but the FCC says that they are “not interested” in listening to any fake news, either.

“President Trump has informed us that CNN should not be listened to, so we’re not going to,” said FCC chairman Joel Winters. “We’re a government agency. We do what we’re told. I’m not losing my job over this shit.”

Trump Administration Plans To Legalize ‘Most Drugs’ Including Heroin To Help Stop Addiction

Posted on February 26, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a new statement from the White House, President Trump has said that he plans to work with states to help tackle harsh drug addiction by doing what he did to quit smoking nearly 30 years ago.

“I used to smoke, and it disgusted even me,” said President Trump. “The only way I was able to quit was to smoke until I puked I smoked about 9 packs in a matter of an hour. I never wanted to smoke again. I strongly believe that the best way to kick a habit is to overdo it. If you want to kick heroin or meth or cocaine, you just have to do an obscene amount of it. Legalizing drugs will help.”

Despite Trump’s health advisors explaining the drastic consequences this could have, Trump is reportedly undeterred.

“I also used to do a lot of cocaine. The only way I kicked that habit was by flying to Colombia and doing lines of pure white off the back of a hooker,” said Trump. “Sometimes, abundance is the only way to really flush something out of your system.”

Although Trump plans to sign an executive order later this week legalizing non-prescription drugs for use by anyone over the age of 18, there is bound to be an extreme backlash from anti-drug groups.

Study Finds Trump Voters Have Drastically Lower IQ Than Liberals

Posted on February 26, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After Donald Trump was elected President, a group of researchers at the Pentagon set into motion a study unlike any other – they wanted to find out the average IQ of a group that would elect such an unqualified person into office.

Working with over 10,000 confirmed Trump voters and 10,000 confirmed non-Trump voters, researchers gave standardized intelligence quotient tests to each group. There was no time limit to complete the test, and it was given twice over a week-long period.

“The results of the testing, while not at all surprising, prove that Trump voters are drastically behind liberals and non-Trump voters on an intellectual basis,” said Dr. Carl Brewner, who headed the study. “The test was 200 questions, and each completed test gave us an average IQ score based on answers. On average, a Trump voter would score in the 30th percentile, or have an average intelligence level of about 71, far below the 90 to 110 that is considered ‘normal.’ A non-Trump voter would score an average of approximately 96.”

The research team claims that their test is ‘fairly conclusive,’ and they feel that even if they tested every single one of the millions of Trump voters, they’d come up with similar results.

“It was quite obvious to everyone that anyone who would vote for Donald Trump must be pretty stupid,” said Brewner. “Just look at the stupid things they say and do in your timeline on Facebook every single day. Now, though, we don’t even have to rely on just physical evidence of their stupidity via comments and posts and memes – we have the actual scientific data to back up how dumb they really are.”

Woman Who Ate 3 of Her Children Released From Prison After Only 2 Years

Posted on February 23, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A 32-year-old woman, Maria Astrana, was convicted in late 2014 of cannibalizing three of her six children, and sentenced to life in prison. Surprisingly, Astrana was released from jail today after serving just slightly over two years, thanks to a bizarre technicality and typing error.

According to lawyers, Astrana’s sentenced was cut drastically short when they filed a motion to dismiss based on a typo in her official court documents.

“Ms. Astrana’s officially written sentence was typed as ‘lif (sic) without parole,'” said her lawyer, Darius Marques, Esq. “Because of this, we took her case to a new judge, who found that her sentence could not be completely verified, and as such she would be let out of prison.”

Outrage over the decision has already begun spreading across social media, with many calling out the Governor of Arizona for allowing this to happen under his watch.

“I can’t even walk across the street outside of a crosswalk without getting a ticket, and this bitch can eat some of her kids like she’s a wild animal, and only serve two years?” said Phoenix resident Alexandra Jones. “This is crazy. They might as well just do away with laws all together. The hell with it.”

Astrana says that she has already consulted with her old job, and they plan to offer to give her back her old position. She previously worked at the Lil’ Tykes Daycare center in Phoenix.

Ex-President Obama Arrested After Routine Traffic Stop Turns Up Trunk Full of Cocaine

Posted on February 22, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HONOLULU, Hawaii –

Former President Barack Obama was reportedly arrested in Hawaii late last evening after a routine traffic stop turned into chaos, as Obama was heard swearing, yelling, and seen attempting to hit a police officer. When his car was searched, police found nearly 20 pounds of pure cocaine in the trunk of his car.

“Originally, I stopped Obama only because he was driving with a light out,” said Officer Mike Daniels. “I didn’t know it was him until I approached the window. I planned on letting him go, but he came on very strong, and was swearing at me. When I asked him if he was okay, he got out of the car and proceeded to take a swing at me. Unfortunately, I had to use my taser on him, and he went down like Hillary in the general election.”

Obama claims that the car he was driving was a rental, and that he had “no idea” how the cocaine could have gotten into the trunk. Police released the former President on bail. He is scheduled to appear in a Honolulu courtroom on March 9th.

Trump Signs Order To Include Extra $1k In Tax Refunds For ‘Deserving Americans’

Posted on February 22, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump signed his latest order on Wednesday morning, which will allow for an extra $1000 to be sent out with the tax refunds of ‘deserving Americans.’ According to Trump, the money will not be coming from within the tax system, and will instead come out of his own pocket.

Trump says that he plans to spend approximately $15 million to hand out extra cash to police, fireman, doctors and nurses, and veterans, among others.

“There are a lot of people who do a lot of good for others, and these people are the most deserving Americans I know,” said Trump. “And because they do so much good, I think they deserve a little good in return. This year, I will send out over 15000 checks for an extra $1000 each to those people who are deserving of a little extra help, and a little more appreciation.”

Trump says that the 15000 people will be chosen at random, from a database curated by the National Census Bureau, which has information on the employment of over 6 million Americans.

After Several States Legalize Marijuana During Elections, Walmart Announces Plans To Sell Pot Seeds, Seedlings

Posted on February 19, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Although many people consider Walmart to be the epitome of an “evil corporation,” no one can say that they’re not completely in touch with what people want. The company announced today that in several states, including Colorado, Maine, and Washington D.C., the company would begin selling marijuana seeds and seedling plants to consumers who are over 21.

“Most of these states have the same or similar laws when it comes to owning marijuana plants,” said company spokesperson Rebecca Brent. “As an adult over 21, you can have several plants, and you can grow even more. We already sell alcohol, and our employees are trained to ask for ID for anyone under 40 for controlled substances. Heck, we even card for R-rated movies like some company out of the dark ages. So selling marijuana will not add any sort of hinderance on our employees, and will be a great way to tap into a new market of potential customers.”

Surprisingly, there are very few protests about the company dipping into the weed trade, even from government officials.

“If Walmart is adhering to the laws, gaining proper licensure, then there’s no reason I can see for any fuss to be made,” said Charlie Connors, a representative for the Governor’s office in Maine. “We are allowing small businesses to sell, and we are allowing adults to purchase. I do not see why there is any issue with Walmart, the largest retailer in the world, from selling either.”

Brent says that if the seed and seedling sales go well, it’s possible that Walmart will branch into smaller locations that will only sell marijuana and paraphernalia.

“We were thinking of calling those smaller stores Wal-Greens, but as it turns out, that’s pretty much taken,” said Brent. “We are really excited about moving forward with such a great product launch, though.”

Brent says that they will add new aisles into Walmart locations that will be selling. The marijuana products will be located, naturally, next to the potato chip and soda aisle.

Oil In Dakota Access Pipeline Found To Be Carrying Smallpox Disease

Posted on February 19, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NORTH DAKOTA –

Despite Obama trying to shut down work on the Dakota Access Pipeline as a last resort before Donald Trump was sworn in, there is still massive unrest in the area, with protests lighting up daily. Unfortunately, it seems that there may be a complete shutdown of the project after all, because researchers have recently discovered that the oil running through the pipeline is “chock full” of the smallpox virus.

“We had several employees of Dakota Oil and Drilling who became very ill after several gallons of oil leaked during a routine drilling expedition,” said Dr. Mario Santone of St. Marie’s Medical Center. “Through several tests, we determined that the workers did, indeed, have smallpox. When we were provided with a sample of the oil from the drilling site, we were alarmed to find that there were over 46 million parts per ounce of smallpox. The number is staggering, and it makes the oil very ‘toxic’ to humans.”

President Trump, who re-started work on the pipeline immediately after taking office, was told about the dangers of continuing to allow people to work or even protest in the area, with a possible smallpox outbreak imminent if a leak occurred. Trump says he’ll “think about it,” and may just quarantine the people who are already in the area from returning home.