Donald Trump Drops Out Of Race After Latest Polls Show Him 70 Points Behind

Posted on October 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Donald Trump has announced that he has officially dropped from the presidential race, conceding to Hillary Clinton only a few short weeks before the November 8th election date.

According to campaign staffers, the latest poll numbers after all 3 debates were completed showed Trump a staggering 70 points behind. Some polls even showed him closer to 80.

“It is with a yuge regret that I have to announce that I am backing out of the campaign,” said Donald Trump. “I know that I have many, many supporters, and I appreciate all that everyone has done. I’ve had a hell of a run, but there is no coming back from this. Blunders or not, the polls do not, and have never, lied. It’s time to end it all.”

Trump says that he was always unsure of being president, even as he was running, because it would leave a “major hole” in his $4B a year business, that he currently personally manages.

“I could never leave my business fully, because someone else would have to run it, and no one else could do what I do,” said Trump. “It was always in the back of my mind that I may have to give this up. Now that the numbers are appearing, it’s time to stop the bleeding and get back to what I’m good at, which is making money.”

Hillary Clinton will finish the race unopposed, but that does leave the door wide open for voters to write-in a third party candidate. With Trump out of the race, it’s fairly well Clinton’s to win.

Donald Trump Halloween Mask Is Biggest Selling Item In History

Posted on October 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Nevada Halloween Company, located just outside of Las Vegas, began producing a new mask this year that they dubbed “Dummy Politician.” Of course, it’s clearly a likeness of Donald Trump, even if they’re not specifically saying so. Regardless of the gag, though, the mask has shocked the world, going viral, and becoming the number one biggest selling item of all time – of and item.

“It’s not just the biggest selling Halloween mask,” said Derek Jones, president of Nevada Halloween. “We’ve sold more masks than Apple has iPhones. More than Budweiser has sold beer. We’ve sold more of these masks than anyone has ever sold of anything…ever. It’s truly a triumph for our little company.”

According to Jones, the company has sold over 7 billion of the masks, almost enough for every man, woman, and child in the world to go as a “dummy politician” for Halloween.

“It’s really astounding how many we’ve sold, but what’s more astounding is that a lot of people write in to thank us for selling such an ‘American’ product, and that they’re happy we’re doing our part to ‘Make America Great Again,'” said Jones. “I don’t get it. For one, America is already great. Saying we need to make it great again would imply it’s not currently, and that’s not true at all. And two, the mask is called ‘dummy politician.’ How stupid are these voters?”

McDonald’s ‘Kills Off’ Ronald McDonald After Scary Clown Epidemic

Posted on October 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Georgia –

McDonald’s Corporation has announced that they will be doing away with their longtime spokes-clown, Ronald McDonald, after a series of “scary clown” sightings throughout the country that have lead to assaults and terrorism threats.

“We think it’s time that we put Ronald McDonald to rest,” said company spokesman Marshall Richards. “He has been around for nearly 50 years, and it’s time we say goodbye. We have an entire cast of other friendly faces that can step up to take his place. No one is out there running around as a scary Grimace terrorizing people. We think he’ll make a great frontman.”

The company hasn’t aired any new Ronald commercials in 2016, and they said they plan to begin filming new commercials starring The Grimace, as well as the Hamburgler and other old favorites, during the first quarter of next year.

Ronald McDonald will receive a “memorial service” commercial that will be release online-only sometime before Christmas, the company said.

Colorado Pot Smokers Beware! State Issues MASSIVE Recall After 6 Deaths From Tainted Drug

Posted on October 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

The Colorado State Control Board has issues a massive recall for 3 different types of marijuana sold throughout the state at the Ready Green dispensaries, after 6 people died from “tainted” drugs.

According to the state health commission, the marijuana was grown and brought in from outside of the country, and has been found to have a dangerous pesticide that has caused more than 30 people to be hospitalized and 6 people to die after smoking it.

“It’s a nightmare, really, because the legal side of things has made it very easy to obtain weed, and Ready Green is the biggest dispensary in the state,” said Health Commission Chairman Mario Rodriguez. “We are working hard to remove this particular group of bud from all stores, but we’re not sure how much of it is out there.”

The health commission is asking people who currently purchase their weed at local stores to go back to doing it “the old fashioned way.”

“Please, if you need weed, buy it from a non-reputable dealer like everyone else in the country,” said Rodriguez. “It could save your life.”

Florida High School Shut Down After Zika Outbreak Infects Hundreds

Posted on September 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

In the most intense infection of any recent epidemic, a Miami high school has had to shut its doors after a student who was infected with Zika spread the virus to over 100 students.

“It’s crazy how fast it happened, and there wasn’t anything anyone could do,” said Principal Jack Miller. “The student didn’t know he was infected. Apparently he got it from his family’s illegal maid. Once he came in sick, the place was destroyed faster than Europe during the plague.”

The local Miami chapter of the CDC was called in last Monday to evacuate and quarantine the building. All the students are being forced to stay home for their own safety. Of the 107 confirmed cases of the infection, 32 of the kids and teens were hospitalized. So far, none of the teachers or staff have shown any signs of infection.

The school says they may not be able to open for several months, and that many of the students will have to repeat the school year.

George Zimmerman To Open Private Security Firm in Florida

Posted on September 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

George Zimmerman, the man who was found not guilty of murdering Trayvon Martin in a neighborhood shooting in February of 2012, is making waves in a small suburb of Miami, after it was announced that he had applied for, and been given, a security permit by the town and state.

According to public records, Zimmerman is planning to open a private security firm called Zimm’s Security, and has currently hired one person. The location for the business is registered at 433 Ocean Avenue in Miami, which was, until recently, a Wendy’s restaurant.

When we reached out to Zimmerman for comment, he seemed very excited about his new venture, and hoped that people would forget his past – but not completely.

“I want people to forget the hatred that was developed for me, especially by the blacks and all that,” said Zimmerman. “But I also want them to remember. I want them to remember that I stopped a vicious hoodlum from doing any harm, and I was acquitted, so there were obviously no crimes committed. I am going to take what I learned during that process, and apply it to this business.”

Currently, Zimmerman reports that his company has secured multiple contracts, and he plans to hire on at least 10 more employees by year’s end.

Clinton Received Debate Questions In Advance, Says Source

Posted on September 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to a source inside the Clinton campaign, not only was Hillary being prompted on the best answers to give, live during the debate via secret ear piece, but that an anonymous staffer at CNN had actually leaked the questions to her in advance.

“It was supposed to be a secret, and no one except Holt was supposed to know the questions in advance,” said the anonymous source. “That’s not even close to true. The case is, Holt had worked with other members of the CNN news team to create the questions. They were actually leaked to us at the Clinton campaign, and not only did we use the information, we actually changed some of the questions.”

The member of Clinton’s campaign said that although the debate was supposed to be on a “level playing field,” they couldn’t take any chances.

“It’s true that we’d been practicing the debates, at night, to make sure that Hillary’s health could sustain the rigorous time constraints, but we had to make sure that we had a leg-up. Why do you think all of her answers were so perfect, so concise – as if she knew what was coming. She’s failing, and it’s happening fast. Her constituents are going in record numbers. We needed to make sure Trump looked like the fool we all know he is.”

No one from Hillary Clinton’s campaign would give an official, on-the-record statement.

Woman With Concealed Carry Permit Kills Would-Be Robbers, Saves Multiple Lives

Posted on September 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VIRGINIA –

A woman in Virginia is being hailed as a local hero after she was able to shoot and kill 3 would-be robbers at a department store in her hometown.

Liza Horris, 36, has had her concealed carry permit for more than a decade, and says she “never goes anywhere” without a weapon.

“In all my years of having and firing guns, I’ve never had to shoot at another person,” said Horris. “I hoped that I never would. But, the reason I carry is to protect myself and others, and that’s just what I had to do.”

According to police reports, Horris was shopping at a local department store when three intruders entered the store, and demanded that people “get on the ground.”

“They were waiving around their guns, and I had no idea if they planned to use them – frankly, I didn’t even think. I just reacted,” said Horris.

Police say that Horris, who is an expert marksman, fired only 3 shots, and killed all 3 of the intruders instantly. There are no charges being filed. Horris’ weapon was confiscated at the scene, and returned to her a few days later.

CONFIRMED: Hillary Wore Secret Ear-Piece During Debate

Posted on September 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK –

It has now been confirmed by an anonymous staffer on the Clinton campaign, that Hillary broke debate rules by wearing a secret ear-piece so that she could be fed information on the fly.

“Because of her failing health, we were extremely worried about the answers she might give, or that she would get confused about the questions,” said the staffer. “Yes, the internet is right – she is, of course, wearing a mic pack under her jacket, as was Trump. But tied into that, we also were able to wire in a thin, flesh-colored ear piece so that we could feed her the answers.”

According to the staffer, whose story has been confirmed by at least 3 other members of the Clinton campaign, Hillary hired a team of more than 20 people to sit at a remote location just about a mile away from the debates, where they were watching both via cable and live feed, and could prompt her with responses as needed, as well as pull up information “in which to bash the hell out of Trump.”

So far, the Hillary camp has not commented on the ear-piece, or given any response to the internet firestorm.

‘Dance of the Pope’ Computer Virus Running Rampant, Ruins NASDAQ Computers

Posted on September 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY –

A new computer virus has been running rampant across the United States and Canada, and is slowly creeping its way across most of the Western World. The ‘Dance of the Pope Virus,’ so called because of a wacky GIF image of the Pope dancing in all the infected emails that are opened, has infected more than 2 million computers worldwide. This morning, it took down 1507 computers on the NASDAQ trading floor.

“One employee opened it, because he’s an idiot, and he didn’t read the email our security team sent out with the warning about the virus, and now we’re all screwed,” said Mario Lewis, a trading agent. “I can’t buy, I can’t sell. I have no idea what’s going on. The market is headed for a big crash if we don’t get these computers up by tomorrow.”

According to security experts, the virus shows up as an email inviting the user to “view a hilarious video of the Pope!” and then proceeds to slowly erase tiny bits of information from the computer after it’s opened.

“This is going to cause nightmares for everyone. If some idiot at the Pentagon opens this on a defense computer, the world could very well end today,” said Lewis.