‘Dance of the Pope’ Computer Virus Running Rampant, Ruins NASDAQ Computers

Posted on September 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY –

A new computer virus has been running rampant across the United States and Canada, and is slowly creeping its way across most of the Western World. The ‘Dance of the Pope Virus,’ so called because of a wacky GIF image of the Pope dancing in all the infected emails that are opened, has infected more than 2 million computers worldwide. This morning, it took down 1507 computers on the NASDAQ trading floor.

“One employee opened it, because he’s an idiot, and he didn’t read the email our security team sent out with the warning about the virus, and now we’re all screwed,” said Mario Lewis, a trading agent. “I can’t buy, I can’t sell. I have no idea what’s going on. The market is headed for a big crash if we don’t get these computers up by tomorrow.”

According to security experts, the virus shows up as an email inviting the user to “view a hilarious video of the Pope!” and then proceeds to slowly erase tiny bits of information from the computer after it’s opened.

“This is going to cause nightmares for everyone. If some idiot at the Pentagon opens this on a defense computer, the world could very well end today,” said Lewis.

Zika Virus Spreading Through United States Via Mosquitos

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

UNITED STATES –

The mosquito-born Zika virus is rapidly spreading throughout the Americas and is expected to soon reach the Southern United States.

CDC representative James Levine, M.D. warns, “This virus is like a combination of malaria and Lyme disease. Symptoms include fever, rash, fatigue, joint pain, conjunctivitis, and temporary paralysis. We also suspect a relationship between the Zika infection and malformations and neurological birth defects. We recommend that any that suspect they may have been afflicted with the virus delay pregnancy for at least two years.

“Although the disease has been around since 1947, it is suspected that God Almighty caused a mutation which makes transmission easier and the effects more severe.”

Residents of Florida and Georgia are advised to be on alert as early as April 2016. Since the Zika virus is spreading so rapidly through mosquito populations, the CDC warns there is a chance the virus will have reached each side of the country, from Oregon to Maine, by August.

Boston Medical Researchers Find That ‘Gayness’ Is Contagious

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Your grandparents were right after all: Being gay is apparently extremely contagious. The same Harvard Medical team that proved obesity and smoking can spread socially have released a new study that suggests being gay is equally spreadable.

Psychologist, Jean Bennett says, “It’s what people have been saying for years. Happiness is infectious. Mirror neurons are activated when we see other’s doing something. If they’re smiling, it’s likely we will smile back.”

Bennett warns, “It’s important to surround yourself with positive, happy people, and limit the time with Negative Nancies. Everyone wants to be gay, right? Your best bet it is surround yourself with gay people. Trust me, it will rub off.”

Gay rights activists deny these allegations, and say even if it were true, there is nothing wrong with being gay. Offended homosexual, Bert, told Empire News, “The world would be a better place if gayness was contagious. Think of the parties we’d have! Oh my God, it would be fabulous, I can’t even imagine. Sadly, this is complete and utter bologna though.”

Government Secretly Installing Adware On New Computer Hard Drives

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Justin Birch

UNITED STATES –

One retired IT expert from New York revealed a shocking truth that the United States has quietly feared since the advent of the personal computer: our hard drives are infected with government adware.

While not functionally dangerous, adware is an intrusive and annoying invasion of privacy. The man, 67, who chooses to remain anonymous, discovered adware on a newly purchased computer while investigating its contents. Experts have since become involved, and say that this adware is a very recent trend that may have started as early as this year. The anonymous IT expert shared his findings with Empire News exclusively.

“The adware is designed to do very subtle things. It hijacks your browser when you search for certain terms, for example redirecting you to government propaganda websites when you Google the question ‘is America at war?’. The worst I found so far is a popup advertisement asking for donations, and a backdoor that is capable of installing election campaign propaganda on one’s machine.”

To address the matter immediately before it spread, President Obama commented directly on the man’s findings, stating that “it’s not that bad.”

“It really doesn’t hurt anything,” President Obama said. “There is no damage being done to your hardware. We have things we want to show to people on a private basis, and this is the most effective way.”

Since the secret has been leaked, an official government statement has been released detailing a ten-year slow integration of government control into personal computers via adware and other so-called “malicious” software. According to the U.S. Government, the general reception has been overwhelmingly positive. The original finder of the adware has since gone silent on the matter.

Secret CDC Memos Reveal Strain of Ebola Virus Has Gone ‘Airborne’

Posted on October 17, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The threat of the Ebola virus has gripped the country over the last several weeks, spreading across social media and internet news sites faster than the actual virus, but the one topic that concerned people the most is the idea that Ebola, which is normally contracted through contaminated bodily fluids, had become an airborne disease, similar to the way the common cold and influenza viruses are spread.

Even now, the Center for Disease Control in Washington says that Ebola has not gone airborne, and that you are not likely to get it if you just follow normal health precautions; washing your hands after using the bathroom, washing fruits and vegetables before eating, saying your nightly prayers, and not licking the open sores of Ebola patients or dead.

All of that is ‘hogwash,’ though, according to a CDC insider who has obtained memos from high-ranking officials within the organization. He says that Ebola has mutated itself into an airborne disease, and that a worldwide pandemic is already underway.

“You’ve seen the news already about the government purchasing disposable coffins. Did you think that was a joke?” Said the CDC insider, who spoke to us anonymously. “Ebola is one of the deadliest diseases you can catch. Sure, only 2 people in the United States have it right now. Sure, it’s only killed about 5,000 people since 1976, compared to the almost 36,000 people who die of the flu every year. And sure, it’s hard to contract right now – but soon it won’t be.”

The anonymous source says that he obtained confidential memos that state that there is a strain of Ebola that the CDC is trying to hide, and that the viral nature of the new disease has already caused it to spread quickly.

“The standard Ebola is called EBOV, from its own genus, ebolavirus. The new strain is being referred to as EBON, from the genus ebolanet, stemming from the fact that Ebola has gone ‘airborne’ across the internet and social media, almost inciting a mass panic. Truth of the matter is, the odds of anyone in a first-world country with modern health technologies, like the United States, contracting the actual Ebola virus are near zero, but catching this new, panic-inducing media strain is almost a 100% certainty.”

The insider says that the best ways to avoid contracting this violent new strain of Ebola are to ‘ignore hype,’ ‘do your own research,’ and ‘stop believing everything you see on the internet.’