Olympic Swimmer Contracts Deadly Malaria Virus While Practicing For Events In Rio

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RIO, Brazil –

A U.S. Olympic swimmer, Mick Jones, has reportedly contracted malaria while practicing for his events in Rio, swimming in public, open water.

“It is with great sadness that we report that Mr. Jones will not be able to compete at this year’s olympic games,” said chairman Richard Downs. “He is a champion competitor, and we wish him all the best in his recovery.”

The Olympic Committee was warned of hosting the games in Rio, which is rife with crime and has some of the most polluted waters in the world.

“We wanted to host it somewhere new and exciting, and even though their environment, their economy, and their people cannot handle the influx, we decided to go on with the ceremony anyway,” said Downs. “I believe that this event is isolated, and we will do whatever we can to make sure that the athletes are safe.

Teen Commits Suicide After Bernie Sanders Endorses Hillary Clinton

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BURLINGTON, Vermont –

A 19-year-old college student in Vermont has reportedly hung himself in his home after his parents report that he spent two days locked in his room, watching Bernie Sanders videos on YouTube.

“Mario was a good kid, a strong boy, and he was an adamant supporter of Bernie Sanders,” said Mario Lewis’ mother, Mary. “The whole family were very proud to support Sanders, but Mario definitely took it the hardest when Bernie backed Hillary. He was in tears ever since.”

Mary says that her son was a straight-A student throughout high school, had graduated early, and was studying political science at Vermont State College.

“This is the most disturbing thing to happen in my life, and I can’t believe it was all about this stupid election,” said Mary. “I just keep telling myself that he’s in a better place, and that it doesn’t matter that he’s gone now, because come November, we’re all going to be fucked anyway.”

Bill Clinton Takes LSD Hit Back Stage At DNC

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

It may not have been obvious to everyone, but Bill Clinton was higher than a kite during his wife’s “legendary” DNC speech Thursday evening. The former president was reportedly seen taking large hits of LSD back stage before joining Hillary Clinton at the podium, where he spent several minutes spacing out, and then playing with balloons.

“I have never seen anyone drop so much at once,” said a Clinton campaign staffer, who wished to remain anonymous. “He looked right at me, offered me some, and I had to take a pass. So he just took a whole bunch himself. It was intense. We tried to stop him, but you know, he’s pretty ornery for an old man.”

Hillary Clinton appeared to ignore her husband completely while he stared at confetti being dropped from the ceiling, and while he spent several minutes playing with balloons, including carrying a large one around on stage before kicking it into the crowd.

“This night is fantastic, you’re all fantastic, and everyone is so fucking awesome, man,” Bill Clinton reportedly said to reporters after the event had died down. “I don’t know how you’re all doing that swirly motion thing with your eyes, but it’s tripping me out in so many sick ways.”

Reagan’s Would Be Assassin John Hinkley Jr. Released From Psych Hospital

Posted on July 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former president Ronald Regan had an assassination attempt made on his life in 1981 by John Hinkley Jr., who claimed at the time of his arrest that he was trying to kill the president to impress actress Jodi Foster, who he had become enamored with after seeing her in the film Taxi Driver.

Hinkley was released from his psych hospital today, and is now free and clear to walk the streets. Empire News met up with Hinkley upon his release, and he was decidedly chipper and happy to be living as a free man again.

“I am so excited to see what the world is like now, outside of those four walls,” said Hinkley. “I understand that we have a black president now, which is crazy to me. I’ve also heard, already, that there is a woman running for president. Apparently a lot has changed.”

Hinkley says that he has no intentions of assassinating any other presidents, now that Reagan has already died.

“From what I’ve read about current candidate Donald Trump’s campaign, it seems that there is likely an assassination to happen in the near future if he’s elected, but it certainly won’t be by me.” Hinkley seemed excited about the prospects of life outside of the hospital, and will be sent to live with his mother.

Actress and director Jodi Foster says that was never impressed by Hinkley’s attempt on the president’s life, and that she hopes he will find a new muse to impress if he decides to visit the movies again.

Ice Bucket Challenge For ALS Leads To Earth-Shattering Medical Discovery

Posted on July 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Last year, the ALS ice bucket challenge viral videos ran rampant across the internet, and brought in millions of dollars for Lou Gehrig’s Disease research. In a decidedly crazy twist, it seems that money has been used to find and diagnose an entirely different disease, and it’s one that could change the face of medicine forever.

Researcher Jordan Marsh says that the ALS videos and the money raised by them has helped them to discover a new breakthrough in a specific virus that has been plaguing the world, but has yet to be contained.

“We used the ALS money to look into the root of this long-standing virus, and thankfully, we have been able to pinpoint where it began, and also how to contain it from spreading further,” said Marsh. “It’s one for the books, for sure.”

For the books it will be, because as of this time, Marsh is not saying what discovery they have made.

“At this time, I am just going to say that it’s a huge deal, and we are very excited, but we want to get all the information out at once, and accurately, so you’ll have to wait until our findings are released in the National Book Of Medical Journals.”

Police Forces Dwindle Across The Country As Violence Against Cops Continues

Posted on July 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

“I signed up to be a police officer the second I turned 18-years-old, and I thought I’d have this career forever, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to get shot over some bullshit,” said former policeman Joel Waives, 27. “I loved what I was doing, and it’s always been a dangerous job, but as a white guy with a badge, I’m not taking any chances that some hood will shoot me.”

Police Unions across the country have said that they are losing officers in record numbers, after several shootings across the country have led over 20 cops dead, all at the hands of violent criminals looking for “revenge” for shootings by police of civilians.

“The job is hard, and it’s definitely stressful. I’ve never had to pull out my gun before in over 30 years on the job, but this week alone I’ve had to pull it 16 times,” said police chief Mark Wallace. “It’s getting to the point where I don’t know if I’m going to make it home at night. It used to be that only big cities had shootings like this, but I’m in Des Moines. Why the hell should I have to worry about being shot by someone because they were driving over the speed limit?”

To counter the record number of people leaving the force, police unions have been looking to hire new recruits, with many offering new, better benefits.

“If you’re a racist who wants to carry a big gun and talk a big game, then by all means, please sign up,” said Wallace. “We need more people who aren’t afraid to pop a cap in a black man just because he’s wearing a hoodie. We can overcome this violence with more violence. There’s no other way.”

Pokemon Go Game Leads To 45 Car Pile-Up On Arizona Highway

Posted on July 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A 46-year-old man, Nathan Winter, was charged with reckless endangerment and negligent homicide after he caused a 45 car pile-up while playing the popular cell phone game Pokemon Go.

Police say that Winter was not paying attention to the road and his attention was diverted as he tried to catch a Meowth while driving down the Phoenix I-75 highway when he rear-ended a Mack truck, causing a vicious accident that caused 4 deaths and countless injuries.

“In retrospect, it was a really bad idea,” said Winter, who says he had just downloaded the game earlier in the day. “My daughter was playing, and it seemed kind of fun, so I wanted to check it out, too. 3 hours of playing, and I was hooked. I was on my way home when my phone vibrated, and it said there was Meowth around. It happened to be right on the bumper of the eighteen wheeler in front of me. Sadly, I wasn’t paying attention, and slammed right into it trying to catch him.”

Police say that the Pokemon Go game has become extremely viral, and although has caused several injuries from people not paying attention to their surroundings while playing, this is the first case of major death. Nintendo, who is the company behind the game, could not be reached for comment.

Terrorists Sending People Infected With ‘Black Death’ To U.S. As Form of Chemical Warfare

Posted on June 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The CDC has released a warning for doctors to screen patients with flu-like symptoms for the pneumonic plague, after ISIS has threatened biological warfare.

The disease, caused by a bacterium called Yersinia pestis, most often is transmitted to humans through rodent flea bites or by handling infected animals. Pneumonic plague differs from bubonic plague in its symptoms and the fact that it can be spread through the air rather than just by contact.

Unlike bubonic plague, pneumonic plague can be spread from person to person. According to the CDC, “Pneumonic plague affects the lungs and is transmitted when a person breathes in Y. pestis particles in the air.”

Usually associated with the massive waves of “black death” that swept across Europe during the Middle Ages, the plague still occurs occasionally in the United States, though it is treatable with modern antibiotics.

Although the disease is treatable, terrorists may try to catch people off guard. Pneumonic plague is one of the most pathogenic microbes in the world. Symptoms are sudden and similar to a violent flu, followed by lessions in the groin, armpit, and neck lessons. Eventually the fingers and toes turn black from lack of circulation followed by uncontrollable seizures and death within 36 hours. The CDC advises anyone with these symptoms insist they are tested for pneumonic plague.

Police Calling For Stricter Gun Control After Woman Shoots Intruder

Posted on June 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

Politicians say a recent incident where a woman shot an intruder in self defense is a case-in-point example of why there needs to be stricter gun control laws. A woman who returned to her Portland, Ore., home with her two children early Sunday morning shot and killed an intruder who was in the home, police said.

The woman, 33, found a stranger in the bedroom of one of her children about 1:45 a.m. PT Sunday. Police said the victim came home with her children ages 5 and 10, and armed with a handgun, she shot and killed the unknown 59-year-old man.

Police said the woman is cooperating with investigators and was not arrested. The investigation will determine whether she acted in self-defense and whether she will face charges.

Authorities say once the investigation is complete, it will be presented to the Multnomah County District Attorney’s Office for review.

An autopsy will be conducted Monday. The name of the man will not be released until his family is notified, police said.

Chief Luke Barkley says ordinary citizens should not take the law in their own hands. “The proper protocol would be to call 911 and wait for police to arrive. Don’t try to be a hero. This tragedy could have likely been avoided.”

Government Puts Price On Freedom, Plans To Sell ‘Freedom Shares’ To Citizens

Posted on June 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Freedom is not free. In fact, it is quite expensive, and some are proposing the sale of “freedom shares” to help pay for it. It costs nearly $700 billion a year to keep America in the freedom to which it is accustomed. That is $5,600 paid in for every household in America to pay for military expenses, and obviously this does not began to cover all the other expenses of running the federal government.

The freedom shares program would allow the average citizen to donate extra money towards keeping America free, and in return they would be allowed additional freedoms. These special privileges would include getting out of speeding tickets and even free passes to cheat on one’s spouse. If one bought enough freedom shares they may even be able to commit one free homicide.

The program has been criticized as unfair, as the rich would be proportionately more free. Supporter, John Seebode says, “Well, I reckon that may be true, but ain’t that how things are anyway? I support freedom shares, because it’s not a tax so I can chose to donate. And what better cause than keeping America free?”