Most Liquor Stores Throughout U.S. Now Accepting Food Stamps

Posted on March 6, 2015 by JP

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

If you happen to be on the lower peg of the economic ladder and also enjoy a stiff beverage, great news is coming your way. To any person in the United States that is given food stamps, you will now be eligible to use these benefits at any liquor store in the nation. For any amount of benefits that you receive, you will be able to spend any amount of your food stamps on any type of alcoholic beverage, beer or hard liquor.

In an attempt to curb the illegal sale of food stamps, government officials decided to “cut out the middle man” and allow them to be used for alcohol.

“Basically, many recipients of food stamps were selling their monthly allotment, handing over the card, and taking cash. They’d then use the cash to buy booze or drugs,” said senator Mitch Larson (D-Delaware.) “We can’t very well allow people to use their food stamp cards to buy drugs, but we can stop the sale of food stamp money by just allowing it to be able to be used for alcohol. It’s just economics at work, really.”

While food stamps were invented to help out those that couldn’t afford to buy the items to cook a hot meal, many people who receive the benefits say that as adults, they should have the right to choose what their government handout can be used on at any given time.

“I’m 68-years-old, and if I want a bottle of bourbon with my Hungry Man dinner, then sumbitch, I should be able to get one,” said Marv Gordon, a Vietnam Veteran who receives $225 a month in food stamp benefits. “My grandson was giving me money before, and I’d let him take the card to the store and pick up some food for himself, but this is a lot easier.”

Already many liquor stores are accepting food stamps at their locations, and members of congress say that all stores selling alcohol must accept food stamps by April 31st of this year.

There has been an outcry from the public, especially Republican voters, that the benefits are already abused enough, and that adding alcohol sales will only further compound the issue. Government officials say, though, that those people complaining about the change happen to not need any government help, so their opinions don’t really matter.

Taco Bell To Begin Serving Alcohol From Midnight To 2:00 AM At Participating Locations

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

IRVINE, California –

CEO of Taco Bell, Brian Niccol announced earlier today that the franchise will begin offering cold, alcoholic beverages to customers 21 years of age and older between the hours of 12:00 midnight – 2:00 AM in drive-thrus at participating locations.

The announcement marks an unprecedented marketing strategy in the world of fast food giants. “We at Taco Bell know that a good majority of Taco Bell craving customers between the hours of midnight and 2:00 AM are indeed bar-hopping twenty-and thirty-something year-old alcohol consuming citizens who want a quick bite during drinking sessions,” Niccol said. “Available May 1, 2015, Taco Bell will begin offering Budweiser and Bud Light beer, as well as frozen margaritas. We are very excited about this long over-due venture.”

Many college going co-eds and hipsters are very intrigued about the news. However, members of M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) are outraged at the announcement, and are asking the American public to boycott the franchise. Mary Jane Weedman, one of M.A.D.D.’s most recognized spokeswomen in Denver, Colorado, says that alcohol should never be offered in any drive-thru location.

“This is simply not a very well thought out plan, we could understand offering customers good quality marijuana, but not ice cold beer and margaritas, this is totally unacceptable,” Weedman said.

Blake Mitchell, a freshman at Colorado State University disagrees. “Dude, I think it is totally legit!” the aspiring hip-hop artist stated. “I mean like, sometimes when you are trying to maintain that buzz and have to go grab a bite to eat, it is totally inconvenient, you know what I’m saying? This way we can grab a cold brew and a few chalupas and be on our way. I paid good money for a fake I.D., so I’m like stoked!” Mitchell said. “Plus, I heard Taco Bell is also going to have some, like, gooey Cap ‘N’ Crunch dessert balls thing, so they are definitely going to be getting a lot more of my money from now on.”

Anheuser-Busch To Reduce Alcohol Content By Half In Budweiser, Bud Light To Maintain Affordability

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ST. LOUIS, Missouri –

President of Anheuser-Busch Luiz Fernando Edmond announced today that the company will reduce the alcohol content by volume in Budweiser beer from 5.0% to 2.5%, and Bud Light from 4.2% down to 2.1% in order to maintain the current affordable prices of each product – the two most popular beers in the United States of America.

Edmond said that the company also took into consideration that reducing the ABV content would make drunk drivers less dangerous. “We here at Anheuser-Busch believe it is our responsibility to keep our loyal customers safe, all the while providing them with a high quality, yet very affordable, premium lager,” Edmond said.

When asked whether he believed the reduction in alcohol content would upset longtime drinkers of the All-American brews, Edmond said that those who consume such prestigious beers such as Budweiser and Bud Light just want a great tasting, satisfying beer.

“Our honest belief is that our customers do not drink our wonderful products to get drunk, they drink them because they love the taste and the smooth way it goes down,” Edmond said. “Besides, drinking a beer with two-percent alcohol doesn’t make it ‘near beer’ or non-alcoholic beer, it just makes it a great beer for those on the go. When one consumes a six-pack, he will be able to drive home safely to his family. Quality, affordability, and family. That is what we here at Anheuser-Busch are all about!”

Budweiser and Bud Light products with the lower alcohol content are expected to arrive on shelves in March.

Congress Pushes For Ban On Alcohol Consumption On New Year’s Eve

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

If you were looking to hit your favorite local hotspot for a drink or two on New Year’s Eve, it’s very possible that you might have to change your plans.

In an effort to curb drunk driving accidents and deaths, which are higher on New Year’s Even and early New Year’s Day than at any other point in the year, the United States Congress is seeking to pass a law that would outlaw the public consumption of alcohol on those two days of the year.

“No one is saying that you can’t have private parties, and that you can’t drink at home and have a celebration,” said Congressman George Flint (R-GA), who is spearheading the bill. “There is nothing wrong with a glass of champagne and a toast to the new year. There is, however, something wrong with the thousands upon thousands of violent car crashes and the hundreds of preventable deaths that happen every year on New Year’s Eve as a result of excessive alcohol consumption.”

Flint says that he is finding support among other members of congress, who also see the dangers in allowing heavy alcohol consumption leading into the new year.

“We are fighting hard to save lives,” said Flint. “It is for the protection of the people – it is for your own good – that we enact a law like this to prevent the senseless loss of life.”

According to inside reports, the law has a very good chance of passing, although there is concern that people may still drive drunk when leaving their homes, or leaving a friend’s home, after a party.

“If we can even stop one person from being killed who would have been driving home while annihilated drunk from their local bar, then this law will have succeeded,” said Flint. “We know what is best for everyone, and we will do what we can to protect the people from themselves.”

“If I didn’t fear some sort of cruel, government retaliation, I’d tell them to go straight to hell with this bullshit law,” said bar owner Joe Goldsmith, of Phoenix, Arizona. “Maybe I’ll just close the bar for the night, and have it be for a ‘private party’ or something. If people want to drink, I’ll damn sure find a way to make it happen.”

Town Legalizes Drunk Driving In Effort To Curb Population Growth

Posted on November 17, 2014 by Chip

WADDERTON, Kentucky –

Wadderton recently passed a reform that eliminates the below .08 blood alcohol level requirement for motorists that decide to partake in alcoholic beverages prior to getting behind the wheel. The town says the reason for the change is a simple one, and something they believe is very important – population control.

Rick Wheeler, the mayor of Wadderton, explained the reform to a Louisville news affiliate. “We are a simple town, full of simple folks; our population has been under 4,000 for several decades. It’s fair to say we have not seen a population over 4,000 since the great town of Wadderton was established in the eighteen hundreds.”

Wheeler, who has been the mayor of Wadderton for 14 years, went on to explain, “Wadderton’s population has exploded throughout 2014. We starting seeing the growth towards the beginning of the year, when folks from the big cities within Kentucky started moving to Wadderton to escape the state’s mounting real-estate market. “

According to the mayor the small town initially welcomed the new residents however quickly decided they were unwelcome. Wheeler said “We are good folks and were brought up to be welcoming to strangers; however these city slickers had no respect for the way of life around here.” The mayor claims that the new residents looked down upon the existing citizens and attempted to make “big changes” including opening a Starbucks and building a cell phone tower.

Mayor Wheeler explains how the new reform ties into Wadderton’s population boom, “We have tried everything, we spent a few weeks trying to play nice, we spent months giving them a small town cold shoulder, we even tried to run them out of town by refusing them service at local diner, dry cleaner, and post office, nothing worked on these city slickers!”

According to Wheeler, after the town exhausted all of their outlets they had to get creative, and knew they had to make some changes. “We finally realized if we couldn’t get them city slickers to leave willingly, our only option was to change how we did everything. This is just another version of population control. These big city folks like to wet their whistle just as much as we do, maybe even more, and we are hoping that all of the lethal car accidents caused by our legalizing drunk driving will put a large dent in the town’s growing numbers.”

When asked about the potential impact this reform will have on Wadderton’s legacy population, Mayor Wheeler responded, “Of course we will lose some of our best citizens in these fiery accidents, however at this point it’s just part of doing business.”

Though the majority of the U.S. is frowning upon the reform, it’s been said that several other small towns are going to be playing close attention to the outcome in order to see how it could possibly work for them.