Taco Bell To Begin Serving Alcohol From Midnight To 2:00 AM At Participating Locations

IRVINE, California –

CEO of Taco Bell, Brian Niccol announced earlier today that the franchise will begin offering cold, alcoholic beverages to customers 21 years of age and older between the hours of 12:00 midnight – 2:00 AM in drive-thrus at participating locations.

The announcement marks an unprecedented marketing strategy in the world of fast food giants. “We at Taco Bell know that a good majority of Taco Bell craving customers between the hours of midnight and 2:00 AM are indeed bar-hopping twenty-and thirty-something year-old alcohol consuming citizens who want a quick bite during drinking sessions,” Niccol said. “Available May 1, 2015, Taco Bell will begin offering Budweiser and Bud Light beer, as well as frozen margaritas. We are very excited about this long over-due venture.”

Many college going co-eds and hipsters are very intrigued about the news. However, members of M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) are outraged at the announcement, and are asking the American public to boycott the franchise. Mary Jane Weedman, one of M.A.D.D.’s most recognized spokeswomen in Denver, Colorado, says that alcohol should never be offered in any drive-thru location.

“This is simply not a very well thought out plan, we could understand offering customers good quality marijuana, but not ice cold beer and margaritas, this is totally unacceptable,” Weedman said.

Blake Mitchell, a freshman at Colorado State University disagrees. “Dude, I think it is totally legit!” the aspiring hip-hop artist stated. “I mean like, sometimes when you are trying to maintain that buzz and have to go grab a bite to eat, it is totally inconvenient, you know what I’m saying? This way we can grab a cold brew and a few chalupas and be on our way. I paid good money for a fake I.D., so I’m like stoked!” Mitchell said. “Plus, I heard Taco Bell is also going to have some, like, gooey Cap ‘N’ Crunch dessert balls thing, so they are definitely going to be getting a lot more of my money from now on.”

ST. LOUIS, Missouri –

President of Anheuser-Busch Luiz Fernando Edmond announced today that the company will reduce the alcohol content by volume in Budweiser beer from 5.0% to 2.5%, and Bud Light from 4.2% down to 2.1% in order to maintain the current affordable prices of each product – the two most popular beers in the United States of America.

Edmond said that the company also took into consideration that reducing the ABV content would make drunk drivers less dangerous. “We here at Anheuser-Busch believe it is our responsibility to keep our loyal customers safe, all the while providing them with a high quality, yet very affordable, premium lager,” Edmond said.

When asked whether he believed the reduction in alcohol content would upset longtime drinkers of the All-American brews, Edmond said that those who consume such prestigious beers such as Budweiser and Bud Light just want a great tasting, satisfying beer.

“Our honest belief is that our customers do not drink our wonderful products to get drunk, they drink them because they love the taste and the smooth way it goes down,” Edmond said. “Besides, drinking a beer with two-percent alcohol doesn’t make it ‘near beer’ or non-alcoholic beer, it just makes it a great beer for those on the go. When one consumes a six-pack, he will be able to drive home safely to his family. Quality, affordability, and family. That is what we here at Anheuser-Busch are all about!”

Budweiser and Bud Light products with the lower alcohol content are expected to arrive on shelves in March.