Scientists Discover Shocking Truth About Weight-Loss Pills

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Scientists Discover Shocking Truth About Weight-Loss Pills

 

SALEM, Oregon – 

Researchers from the Oregon University revealed a shocking truth on a yesterday’s press conference. Doctor Maria Vega and her team of researchers spend four years conducting an extensive study on more than one hundred different weight loss pills, which included laboratory tests, tests on animals such as rats and monkeys, and tests on human volunteers.

“We know this is going to be a shocking news for many people,” said Vega at a conference. “but our research showed without any doubt that weight loss pills have no results on a human volunteers.” According to Dr. Vega, initial results were promising. Laboratory results and tests on the rats were showing good results, and the animals were actually losing weight just by being fed low-calorie diets and given multiple fat-burning pills available in drug stores across the country. When they started to conduct tests on humans, though, everything went the other direction.

“We instructed our volunteers to go on a low calorie diet and start to exercise when they take the pills, just as they recommend on the packages,” Vega stated. “It worked great on rats, but in humans, the results were not good. In fact, they were the opposite.”

When a journalist asked about people losing weight if they ate less and exercised even without the weight loss pills, Vega answered that was not a goal of this study. “Our study was focused on a weight loss pills, and no other ways to lose weight. I don’t know why were rats losing weight,” she said. “People, though, were actually gaining weight in some cases while on the pills. Clearly, these pills are a marketing ploy. We have skinny rats, and fat people on these drugs right now.”

Following the press conference, the stock market experienced significant fluctuations – several major weight loss pill producers, as well as pharmaceutical companies saw their stocks value fall, and the CEO of one of the major manufacturers of diet pills is naturally furious. “We are going to do two things,” said the CEO, who spoke anonymously. “We will sue those so-called scientists, and we will order an independent study to prove our pills do have results. The good kind, I mean. Not the fattening kind.”

“I don’t know what to do,” said Marlene Jacobs, 290lbs, of Concord, Massachusetts. “I use at least two dozen different pills and I am still looking for the right one, but how am I supposed to lose weight if they don’t work? They want me to stop eating or something? This is ridiculous! They’re liars, and should be forced to prove their pills are miracles before calling them that!”

Government To Reduce Food Stamp Allowance Of Overweight Recipients

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Government To Reduce Food Stamp Allowance For Overweight Recipients

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), which Americans commonly refer to as the ‘Food Stamp Program’, has voted to reduce the monthly allowance of obese welfare recipients, according to body weight according to SNAP spokesperson Winston C. Douglas in an announcement earlier today.

Douglas said that after a vote was brought to the SNAP board of directors, that the group voted unanimously in support of the proposed measure in an attempt to fight obesity in the United States.

“An alarming statistic was brought to the board which stated that over fifty-percent of SNAP benefit recipients are grossly overweight, many of which are clinically considered obese. This, of course is major cause for concern with how the program is operated” Douglas said.

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All SNAP recipients, including all who live in the household, will be ordered to take a physical as part of the new plan. Depending on results, funding could be drastically reduced for those who are overweight. A measure many suggest is long overdue, including New Jersey governor Chris Christie.

“I have to work in order to overeat,” the hefty governor said when asked about the new measure. “It’s a problem when the government is giving people money to sit on their lazy butts and just eat all day. It is about time something is done about this plague of people abusing the accessibility of welfare benefits.”

There are also those who think it is highly inappropriate to require welfare recipients to take a physical in order to receive their monthly allowance, such as Shantae Johnson, 32, of Cleveland, Ohio.

“Who the hell they think they are? Just because we poor means we can’t be fat? I think it’s wrong, and we deserve to get what is owed to us no matter how we look! People pay taxes for us to have that money to get whatever food we damn well please,” Johnson said angrily. “This is an outrage and we not gonna put up with the harassment! I don’t see them harassing rich people who are fat!”

McDonald’s To Compete With Weight Watchers With New ‘Weight Loss Menu’

OAK BROOK, Illinois  – McDonald's To Compete With Weight Watchers With New 'Weight Loss Menu'

President and CEO of McDonald’s Don Thompson issued a statement today regarding the company’s decision to ‘stop making people fatter and start making them skinny.’

“Many of you are familiar with what Weight Watchers does by counting calories, and how it usually doesn’t do much good. Well, McDonald’s is excited to announce that beginning in 2015, we will be offering a menu of weight loss foods, which will be regular popular items such as the Big Mac and double cheeseburger, but will contain a scientifically proven secret ingredient which will cause you to shed pounds without having to exercise,” Thompson told members of the Associated Press.

Over the past several years, McDonald’s has been scrutinized and widely accused of providing its customers with extremely unhealthy foods and – due to their popularity and cost efficient menu items – making Americans fat. The company will reveal the new menu sometime in January. No details on available products were announced.

Thompson did tell  the media that he believes the new menu will be so popular that the company will probably need to open a considerable amount of new locations.

“Everyone will be eating at McDonald’s, other fast food chains will close, and more and more McDonald’s locations will take their place. There are so many fat people in America that the plan is fool-proof. People are too lazy to exercise, so they want a way to lose weight without putting in any work, and we have the means to provide that,” stated Thompson. “It has taken our McDonald’s scientists years to develop our new secret ingredient, but come January, the world will get to see it in action.”

McDonald’s restaurants are found in 118 countries and territories around the world and serve 68 million customers each day. McDonald’s operates over 35,000 restaurants worldwide, employing more than 1.7 million people. With the new special ingredient, it is very well possible that these numbers could double and go beyond.

The news is most certainly exciting for the millions of overweight McDonald’s fans across not only the United States, but the world.

Dr. Oz Research Shows Surrounding Yourself With Obese Friends Makes You Appear Thinner

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Study By Dr. Oz Suggests Surrounding Yourself With Obese Friends Makes You Appear Thinner

Television star Dr. Mehmet Oz, who also directs the Cardiovascular Institute and Complementary Medicine Program at New York-Presbyterian Hospital located in New York City, announced that extensive medical research on how one can make themselves appear thinner has concluded, and the results are groundbreaking. Their discovery was that hanging out with people who are more overweight than you will actually make you appear thinner. 

“It is a joy to reach this conclusion, which will most certainly improve the quality of life and socialization of those who build a new group of friends who are fatter than they are. Being the ‘thin’ guy, or gal, in the crowd will make you the ever-so-popular life of the party. Many Americans are completely satisfied with their large figures and that is perfectly okay because they make the best friends!” Dr. Oz enthusiastically expressed during a daily taping of his popular television daytime life and health talk show, Dr. Oz, on Friday.

The month-long study included sixty single, overweight volunteers, many considered obese,  split into six groups. The person with the lowest body fat percentage was then declared the priority test subject. Each group proceeded to go out and participate in random social events during the day and hit the bars at night. All six priority test subjects reported their sex lives had improved dramatically, and felt an overwhelming improvement in self-esteem while socializing with the nine chunkier friends.

“It is a win/win situation,” Oz said. “Obese people get to make lots of friends, while the average beer-bellied bachelor draws all the attention, vastly improving social skills for all involved. There is always one person who stands out in the crowd, you can still be overweight, just make sure your friends are more overweight. Frequent places that attract a lot of overweight people such as buffets and bingo halls, those places are packed to the gills with satisfied, big, loving, wonderful human beings. Use Facebook or Twitter to stay in touch with your skinny friends, just don’t go out with them anymore.”

Some members of the audience left in disgust, saying Dr. Oz is spreading exploitation of overweight people, such as Mary Parker from Dayton, Ohio. “I can’t believe Dr. Oz is telling everybody to hang out with people fatter than them, I am usually the big girl, where am I supposed to search for friends? I’m usually the one at the buffet with a stack of five or six plates,” Parker said.

Others left with a completely different point of view, such as Josh Sweeney from Fairdale, Kentucky. “I’ll tell ya what, if they don’t like it, this is what they need to do, lose some f**king weight. It’s their choice ya know?” Sweeney blatantly stated. “I have lots of fat friends, that’s why I have such a pretty girlfriend. Keep your fat friends close!” Sweeney added.

It seems that the late, great Rodney Dangerfield was a genius after all. Dangerfield once said, “I found that there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people!” His words at the time, though had been interpreted as some joke, fetching no legitimate respect.

 

 

 

 

 New York-Presbyterian Hospital.[14] His research interests include heart replace

Scientific Study Confirms Weight Loss Via ‘Digestive Meditation’

BOSTON, Massachusetts –  Scientific Study Confirms Weight Loss Via 'Digestive Meditation'

With obesity on the rise and absurd diets swarming the market like wildfire, health and wellness specialist Dr. Mark Wildstein and neurologist Dr. Shawn Plutchetzky, conducted a study to see if the brain was powerful enough to control weight loss and weight distribution merely by concentration and will-power. The results of the test, released in the Boston Medical Journal on July 30th, were astounding

“The brain is the most complex organ in the human body. It controls sight, smell, taste, hearing, and physical movement,” said Wildstein. “It gives us the power to imagine, to think, and to act. Everyone thought what we were doing was a joke. We firmly believe in the power of the mind, and now we have a study that shows just how right we are.”

The study was conducted over the course of six months with two separate groups of 30 subjects. The first group consisted of females, between 130-133 lbs. Half of the women were in a controlled environment where they slept 8 hours per day, exercised equally at zero to low intensity, and were fed 3 times per day. The other half of the group was not in a controlled environment, and asked to maintain their regular eating, sleeping, and exercise habits. For some participants this constituted zero physical activity, as they were asked to continue life as normal. The second study of 3o subjects was conducted in the same manner, but with male participants between 170-173 lbs.

 

“We did our research and carefully chose 60 subjects to take part in our study. Our goal was to achieve a group of individuals that was near identical, in terms of eating and exercise habits, sleep patterns, and so forth. We had to eliminate all variables possible.”

The subjects were educated on how the brain and body function prior to the study. Each subject was directed to participate in ‘digestive meditation’ by lying down after each meal to think about the food they just ate, and visualizing how their body was digesting it. Wildstein and Plutchetzky believe that by reliving each bite in the imagination and thinking about how the food is being broken down inside the body, it allows the brain to control where it stores fat and nutrients, if at all. The subjects focused  all of their energy on where they’d like the fat from each particular meal to gather on their bodies, or if they wanted it to at all. Most participants, they said, chose to just “flush the fat” from their bodies.

“I lost weight in my mid-section and I gained a cup size!” said Kim Sherbert, who was amazed at what happened to her body over the course of the study. “My husband and I are unbelievably happy. And I can’t wait to show off my new body at the beach. Just in time for the end of summer! I just couldn’t believe it was as easy as it was.”

“I’m Brazilian, but I always had a tiny butt, and I was very self-conscious of it,” said Bianca Souza, another test subject. “Throughout the study, I noticed my butt was beginning to fill out and become more round. My waist stayed tiny. I’m just in complete awe. The hardest part was not falling asleep during the digestive meditation. But I worked really hard at thinking about it, and I’m proof that applying yourself pays off! I’m so thankful to them!”

According to Wildstein, all but two of the subjects achieved their desired body goals.

“The study was a major success, and overall seems to prove the Doctor’s dietary motto of ‘If you think it, you can achieve it,'” said Wildstein. “We are extremely pleased with how everything turned out, and I think our subjects are, too!”

“We wanted to prove the brain could control weight loss, and distribution, without any physical or dietary influence,” says Plutchetzky. “I believe, without a doubt, that we accomplished this.”

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