WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The CDC is warning of a deadly new disease, dubbed on the streets as Super AIDs, which is killing people at an extreme rate. So far, there have been more than 2800 deaths through the United States, and thus far, doctors and researchers are stumped on a possible cure.
How the disease is contracted is yet unknown, but it causes extreme loss of motor functions, as well as skin blistering and swelling. People have also been noted to lose their teeth and show severe gum rot. Hair and fingernails have also been seen to begin to fall out.
“This disease is the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in my entire 47 years as a doctor,” said Dr. Kyle Chandler, a medical researcher at the Center For Disease Control in Washington, D.C. “We have no idea how to treat this illness, and we don’t know what’s causing it. The people come from all walks of life, and there doesn’t seem to be any connection between their living situations or lifestyles. We’re working diligently, but we’re at a loss.”
The CDC warns that if you begin to exhibit any of the signs of the disease, to see a medical professional immediately.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
We’ve all heard before how over-washing or over sanitizing your hands can be bad, because it can cause bacteria and germs to mutate, and become harder to kill. Well, it turns out that wasn’t just another old wive’s tale.
Researchers at Harvard Medical College in Boston have discovered a new strain of “super bacteria” that has already claimed the lives of over 600 people, all because those people had a weakened immune system from over-washing and over sanitizing their hands.
“We tested 480 of the 600 people assumed to have died from this ‘super microbial bacteria,'” said research head Dr. Charles Marvin. “All of the tested subjects proved positive for this new strain. With this much strong evidence, we can conclude that over 600 people have died from this new bug. At this time, we don’t believe there would be a way to vaccinate from, or cure this disease.”
Dr. Marvin is recommending that people stop washing their hands with soap or sanitizing when in public buildings and restrooms.
“Unless you’ve straight pooped on your hands, then don’t worry about washing, it’s really not that big of a deal,” said Dr. Marvin. “And even then, consider maybe just wiping off the poop with a towel if that does happen, for some reason.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
If you’re having a hard time affording your healthcare through the government’s Affordable Care Act marketplace now, then on January 1st, you might have to take out a second, or even a third, job to afford it.
According to reports, the marketplace healthcare costs are going to triple for most plans, with the average cost of a standard family plan hitting $2200 a week.
“These increased costs are happening, essentially, because of the freeloaders on government programs,” said Martin Long, director of the ACA Marketplace. “There’s a lot of people who think that they can get something for nothing, but that’s obviously not the case. Someone has to pay for it. And those people are, well, everyone else who actually does pay for their healthcare.”
The current pricing model already starts high for anyone who is offered healthcare through their employer.
“I can’t afford the healthcare offered through my work,” said Robert Thomas of New Hampshire. “It’s about $800 a month for my family at the cheapest option. That’s literally one of my paychecks, gone, each month. And I only get two checks! Because my work offers healthcare, even though I can’t afford it, I’m forced to get the gold level program through the ACA. And you know what that costs? Yup, about $800 a month. Frankly, it’s stupid.”
When told that the cost for his family’s insurance would be going from $800 a month to nearly $2100 for the same coverage, Thomas only had one thing to say.
“Thanks, Trump,” said Thomas.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
There’s widespread and growing lack of confidence in the safety of vaccines. If you know anyone who still believes that vaccines can’t cause autism, you might want to show them this article. Take a look at the DTaP vaccine insert:
These reports come directly from the FDA website, where they have had it posted for several years, although it was “buried” under a lot of links and other research that obscured the actual research.
“This has been a problem for many, many years, and I’m glad it’s finally coming to light,” said Dr. Mario Garcia, who was one of the first to find the correlation between vaccines and autism. “I was shut out for years from being able to talk about this, but now that others are finding out, I am very grateful. Please, do not vaccinate your children.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The US government has announced that they are raising the age of consumption for cigarettes and tobacco products to 25 years old, due to the increasing health dangers of tobacco. The cost of healthcare to treat the illnesses caused by tobacco was $187 billion in 2016.
“Cigarettes contain over 7000 chemicals and compounds. Hundreds of these are toxic, and at least 69 are cancer-causing,” said President Trump in a statement on the new law. “We are also currently considering adding an additional $12.50 tax to the price of a pack of cigarettes. As they say: A vote for raising the cigarette tax, as well as raising the age of consumption, is a vote against cancer.”
Most states will be required to increase their tobacco tax, because they expect the sales of cigarettes to dramatically decrease when raising the legal age of consumption to 25.
Citizens for Tobacco Rights, a group which champions the right for adults to smoke, say they are not happy about this new law, which is set to take effect in January.
“If Congress gives the president what he wants, federal excise taxes will have increased almost ten-fold in just over a decade,” says the tobacco rights website. “The president’s tax increase will take the average price per pack up to $7.85, and put more than 70% of the price you pay for cigarettes into government pockets.”
When raising the legal age of tobacco consumption to 25, you can expect more black-market sales of cigarettes as well as arrests for underage purchases. Activists say this law will only add to the problem.
An 8-month-old baby was recently discovered to be pregnant, after being hospitalized only a few hours after receiving a routine MMR vaccine.
The baby, whose name is being withheld for privacy reasons, was slightly behind in her 6-month shots for MMR, and after taking ill, the mother brought the baby to a local hospital.
“After conducting a battery of tests, we concluded that the baby girl was, in fact, pregnant,” said Dr. Martin Klein of Monmouth Regional Hospital. “This is the first time I have ever seen anything like this, and frankly, I’m completely stunned as to how this could have happened.”
The mother of the child, Mary, said that she is “dumbfounded” about this, but that she knew that there was a reason that so many people were becoming anti-vaxx lately.
“This movement of people not vaccinating their children, I always thought it was just because no one wants a retard baby, but this is just way worse than I thought,” said Mary. “I only wanted to raise one baby, and thanks to vaccines, now I have to raise two? How am I going to do that on a waitress’ salary? This is crazy. My husband is going to FLIP OUT.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
Police throughout California have issued a warning to parents about a new “super ecstasy,” which has hit the streets throughout most of the West Coast. This high-powered drug comes in the shapes of teddy bears or other animals, and resembles a candy or a vitamin.
A warning was issued first by Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department after 11 children overdosed on the drug, 3 of whom later died from the dangerous toxins in the drugs.
“Parents should be advised that dealers are hanging out near schools, and giving these teddies to children, but they are not candy, and are, in fact, extremely dangerous. If you see these ecstasy bears, please call the sheriff’s department or 911 immediately.”
According to police, the ecstasy is “supercharged,” in that it will hit the system of someone who has taken it nearly 20 times faster than regular, or “traditional” ecstasy, thus causing the person to go into an almost immediate shock.
“Frankly, we don’t know why anyone would make these at all, because the whole point of taking drugs is to get high, enjoy it, and then want to get more drugs,” said Officer Mark Ruben of the LA County Sheriff’s Department. “Killing your clients is kind of useless. At any rate, they’re pretty dangerous, so maybe keep an eye on what your kids are doing, and we’re only a month away from Halloween, so check their bags two or three times before you let them dive in. You never know.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump has apparently undergone cosmetic surgery to remove what is affectionately known as his “pussy neck,” because the flappy, old man folds under his chin form into an uncanny resemblance of a woman’s vagina.
“The President is actually extremely self-conscious, as you can well imagine, and he has seen the jokes, the memes, and he doesn’t like them,” said a White House representative. “President Trump has scheduled a surgery to remove the extra skin around his neck, and get an overall face lift.”
President Trump said that he is “very excited” to have the procedure completed, and that it wouldn’t cost the taxpayers “very much at all.”
“I, for one, think that he should keep his floppy twat neck skin,” said Vice President Mike Pence. “Every time I look at him right now, I’m always ‘Thinkin’ Arby’s.’ I don’t really want that to change, but I guess what’s good for him is good for us all.”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Over 50,000 people throughout the United States are on high alert this week after flu vaccines were contaminated with the Ebola virus and accidentally sent out to clinics throughout the country.
Recipients had lined up for flu vaccinations in 10 different states across the country, including California, Nevada, Arizona, Texas, Georgia, Florida, Michigan, New York, Minnesota, and Illinois.
According to a report filed at the World Health Organization, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) accidentally exchanged the synthetic flu vaccine for vials that contained an experimental compound of the Ebola virus. This compound contaminated nearly 50,000 doses of various vaccines, most of which were sent across the country to be used in low income clinics.
These vaccines were distributed throughout August of 2017, although the NIAID says they are not 100% sure which clinics received the “infected” doses, and that at this point in time, it’s entirely likely that all of them have been used and given to patients.
The WHO has been reaching out to people that have possibly been infected, demanding mandatory quarantines at local FEMA camps. However, the WHO has been unavailable for comment. No specific treatment is available for Ebola infections, and the case fatality rate ranges from 80% to 100%, depending on the virus subtype.
MIAMI, Florida –
Juan Carlos Rodriguez, 27, went to dinner at his girlfriend Maria’s home on Tuesday. Unfortunately, the food was not was he was used to eating, and shortly after his meal, he began feeling the need to start passing gas. Because he didn’t want to have an embarrassing moment in his girlfriend’s house, he began holding them in, which lead to his untimely death.
At about eight o’clock in the evening, Rodriguez fell to the ground, holding his stomach. His girlfriend called an ambulance but he was pronounced dead at the scene. The coroner’s report showed “acute toxic poisoning,” which Rodriguez developed from holding in his farts for an excessively long time.
According to Dr. Julio Igleasias, holding in flatulence can cause the “essence” of the fart to seep into your blood stream, and cause a massive heart attack.
“Juan Carlos never knew what hit him, unfortunately,” said Dr. Igleasias. “If he had opted for the salad instead of the spicy beans, he may still be alive today.”