WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The US government has announced that they are raising the age of consumption for cigarettes and tobacco products to 25 years old, due to the increasing health dangers of tobacco. The cost of healthcare to treat the illnesses caused by tobacco was $187 billion in 2016.
“Cigarettes contain over 7000 chemicals and compounds. Hundreds of these are toxic, and at least 69 are cancer-causing,” said President Trump in a statement on the new law. “We are also currently considering adding an additional $12.50 tax to the price of a pack of cigarettes. As they say: A vote for raising the cigarette tax, as well as raising the age of consumption, is a vote against cancer.”
Most states will be required to increase their tobacco tax, because they expect the sales of cigarettes to dramatically decrease when raising the legal age of consumption to 25.
Citizens for Tobacco Rights, a group which champions the right for adults to smoke, say they are not happy about this new law, which is set to take effect in January.
“If Congress gives the president what he wants, federal excise taxes will have increased almost ten-fold in just over a decade,” says the tobacco rights website. “The president’s tax increase will take the average price per pack up to $7.85, and put more than 70% of the price you pay for cigarettes into government pockets.”
When raising the legal age of tobacco consumption to 25, you can expect more black-market sales of cigarettes as well as arrests for underage purchases. Activists say this law will only add to the problem.
An 8-month-old baby was recently discovered to be pregnant, after being hospitalized only a few hours after receiving a routine MMR vaccine.
The baby, whose name is being withheld for privacy reasons, was slightly behind in her 6-month shots for MMR, and after taking ill, the mother brought the baby to a local hospital.
“After conducting a battery of tests, we concluded that the baby girl was, in fact, pregnant,” said Dr. Martin Klein of Monmouth Regional Hospital. “This is the first time I have ever seen anything like this, and frankly, I’m completely stunned as to how this could have happened.”
The mother of the child, Mary, said that she is “dumbfounded” about this, but that she knew that there was a reason that so many people were becoming anti-vaxx lately.
“This movement of people not vaccinating their children, I always thought it was just because no one wants a retard baby, but this is just way worse than I thought,” said Mary. “I only wanted to raise one baby, and thanks to vaccines, now I have to raise two? How am I going to do that on a waitress’ salary? This is crazy. My husband is going to FLIP OUT.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
Police throughout California have issued a warning to parents about a new “super ecstasy,” which has hit the streets throughout most of the West Coast. This high-powered drug comes in the shapes of teddy bears or other animals, and resembles a candy or a vitamin.
A warning was issued first by Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department after 11 children overdosed on the drug, 3 of whom later died from the dangerous toxins in the drugs.
“Parents should be advised that dealers are hanging out near schools, and giving these teddies to children, but they are not candy, and are, in fact, extremely dangerous. If you see these ecstasy bears, please call the sheriff’s department or 911 immediately.”
According to police, the ecstasy is “supercharged,” in that it will hit the system of someone who has taken it nearly 20 times faster than regular, or “traditional” ecstasy, thus causing the person to go into an almost immediate shock.
“Frankly, we don’t know why anyone would make these at all, because the whole point of taking drugs is to get high, enjoy it, and then want to get more drugs,” said Officer Mark Ruben of the LA County Sheriff’s Department. “Killing your clients is kind of useless. At any rate, they’re pretty dangerous, so maybe keep an eye on what your kids are doing, and we’re only a month away from Halloween, so check their bags two or three times before you let them dive in. You never know.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump has apparently undergone cosmetic surgery to remove what is affectionately known as his “pussy neck,” because the flappy, old man folds under his chin form into an uncanny resemblance of a woman’s vagina.
“The President is actually extremely self-conscious, as you can well imagine, and he has seen the jokes, the memes, and he doesn’t like them,” said a White House representative. “President Trump has scheduled a surgery to remove the extra skin around his neck, and get an overall face lift.”
President Trump said that he is “very excited” to have the procedure completed, and that it wouldn’t cost the taxpayers “very much at all.”
“I, for one, think that he should keep his floppy twat neck skin,” said Vice President Mike Pence. “Every time I look at him right now, I’m always ‘Thinkin’ Arby’s.’ I don’t really want that to change, but I guess what’s good for him is good for us all.”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Over 50,000 people throughout the United States are on high alert this week after flu vaccines were contaminated with the Ebola virus and accidentally sent out to clinics throughout the country.
Recipients had lined up for flu vaccinations in 10 different states across the country, including California, Nevada, Arizona, Texas, Georgia, Florida, Michigan, New York, Minnesota, and Illinois.
According to a report filed at the World Health Organization, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) accidentally exchanged the synthetic flu vaccine for vials that contained an experimental compound of the Ebola virus. This compound contaminated nearly 50,000 doses of various vaccines, most of which were sent across the country to be used in low income clinics.
These vaccines were distributed throughout August of 2017, although the NIAID says they are not 100% sure which clinics received the “infected” doses, and that at this point in time, it’s entirely likely that all of them have been used and given to patients.
The WHO has been reaching out to people that have possibly been infected, demanding mandatory quarantines at local FEMA camps. However, the WHO has been unavailable for comment. No specific treatment is available for Ebola infections, and the case fatality rate ranges from 80% to 100%, depending on the virus subtype.
MIAMI, Florida –
Juan Carlos Rodriguez, 27, went to dinner at his girlfriend Maria’s home on Tuesday. Unfortunately, the food was not was he was used to eating, and shortly after his meal, he began feeling the need to start passing gas. Because he didn’t want to have an embarrassing moment in his girlfriend’s house, he began holding them in, which lead to his untimely death.
At about eight o’clock in the evening, Rodriguez fell to the ground, holding his stomach. His girlfriend called an ambulance but he was pronounced dead at the scene. The coroner’s report showed “acute toxic poisoning,” which Rodriguez developed from holding in his farts for an excessively long time.
According to Dr. Julio Igleasias, holding in flatulence can cause the “essence” of the fart to seep into your blood stream, and cause a massive heart attack.
“Juan Carlos never knew what hit him, unfortunately,” said Dr. Igleasias. “If he had opted for the salad instead of the spicy beans, he may still be alive today.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A researcher at the prestigious Harvard School of Medicine has found a cure for HIV and AIDS – something that doctors have been working on for nearly 40 years.
“It’s actually really simple,” said Dr. Marvin Hoek, who has been working on the project for over a decade. “The answer was right under our nose the whole time, and we have found a way to completely eradicate AIDS and HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in people.”
Dr. Hoek says that he began clinical trials in 2008, and stumbled across the cure in 2015.
“I have been working since that time to find a cure for what the AIDS cure causes, which is cancer.
According to Dr. Hoek, he says that in the over 10,000 cases of AIDS that he has eradicated, every single one of the patients ended up contracting cancer, and dying anyway.
“It’s really kind of a win-lose situation at this point in time, but we’re still working on the kinks right now,” said Dr. Hoek.
Hoek plans to publish the full scope of his work in the January 2018 Journal of Independent Medicine.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Coca-Cola has announced that they are doing away with their line of products under the “Coke Zero” brand, and are instead going to focus on “what the American people really want,” which is to get as fat and be as unhealthy as possible.
“The problem with Coke Zero, is that – although not traditionally ‘healthy,’ it was by far one of the most healthy items we had on our list of products,” said Coca-Cola president Mark Zimmer. “It sold so infrequently, that we spent years in the red on that one product. It just isn’t working. Meanwhile, sales of our flagship Coca-Cola have skyrocketed. People just aren’t doing diet or zero calorie items anymore. They want all the flavor, and they want all the sugar. Thus, Coke +Diabetes was born.”
Zimmer says that Coke +Diabetes has 16 times the normal amount of sugar found in a standard Coca-Cola, and will have more sugar than any other drink on the market once it hits shelves this October.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A family in Massachusetts is suing Mars Inc over the false advertising of their Life Savers brand of candy after a man who was obsessed with their Wint-O-Green hard candies contracted diabetes and later died.
“You cannot call your product a ‘life saver’ if it can kill you,” said Martha Roberts, 53, whose husband, Carl, died after becoming obsessed the candies. “Carl would be turning 58 tomorrow, except these candies killed him, and it’s not right.”
According to the lawsuit, Roberts contends that her husband thought that Life Savers were a “healthy food,” because they were called Life Savers. He would usually eat 4 or 5 large bags of the individually wrapped candies a day for months at a time.
“He was obsessed with them, and we thought he was doing okay. They’re really low calorie, and he did lose some weight because he was only eating Life Savers,” said Roberts. “Then he passed out one day, and we rushed him to the ER. The doctors said his blood sugar was over 1,000, and he was in a diabetic coma. He died later that night. I’m still devastated, the whole family is.”
Mars Inc had no comment on the lawsuit. A lawyer for the company said they would be “looking into” the claims.
SHELTON, West Virginia –
A new breed of wood tick has been discovered in West Virginia, and is causing a panic among vegetarians and vegans. Along side the “reverse zombie” or “lone star” tick, which has been confirmed to trigger a red meat allergy in those bitten by the little assholes, the new “hippie tick” will make you allergic to vegetables.
“All vegetarians, vegans, and general vegetable lovers need to know about this tick,” said USDA spokesman Carl Richards. “The Reverse Zombie tick is horrible for all of us people who eat real food, like steak and cheeseburgers, but now the Hippie Tick, as we’ve come to call it, is out there – and it’s really screwing up things for all those pussy vegans.”
The Hippie Tick, which is actually known as the Ixodida Aracnodia, is small and brownish-red, like many ticks. They live in large, green grassy areas, and are especially fond of moist or wet areas – both in nature and on your body.
“Always check everywhere on your body for these little guys,” said Richards. “They’re known to be found in ear cavities, under armpits or breasts, and in rectums or vaginal cavities. They love hot, wet, smelly areas.”
So far, there are no vaccinations against the bites of either the Reverse Zombie or Hippie Tick, and neither disease is curable once contracted.