Atlanta Falcons Say Brady, Patriots Cheated Their Way To Super Bowl Victory

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HOUSTON, Texas – 

A representative for the Atlanta Falcons says that the team has made an official complaint with the NFL, stating that the New England Patriots cheated during the second half of the Super Bowl, causing the Falcons to lose.

In official documents signed by Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank and endorsed by head coach Dan Quinn, the team alleges that the New England Patriots cheated by having, “huge, over-inflated balls.”

“During the first half of the game, the Patriots clearly were using their normal balls. Hell, they might have been using slightly under-inflated balls, honestly,” said coach Dan Quinn. “I don’t know exactly what happened after the 3rd quarter, but when they came back out on the field, that team was definitely playing with an entirely new set of balls – and their balls were huge, and way larger than before.”

The NFL is not taking the accusation lightly, as the Patriots have known to play with their balls on previous occasions, with team quarterback and GOAT Tom Brady even being suspended for several games for knowingly playing with deflated balls.

“We are looking at the Patriots balls very closely, as we cannot and will not take any accusation lightly of the Patriots playing with either small or large balls,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “I have personally taken up the task of looking at Tom Brady’s balls, and will report my findings at a later conference.

In the mean time, football fans across New England are overjoyed at their team bringing home their 5th Super Bowl win.

“It’s a great time to be alive,” said Patriots Super Fan Mark Chilsom. “I don’t care a lick about balls, to be honest. That was the greatest game I’ve ever seen played, with a record-setting comeback. If it was because Tom Brady and the team came out to play with huge balls in the 4th, well the so be it.”

Couple Admits That Living In ‘Tiny House’ Sucks Huge, Huge Balls

tinyhouse

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

The ‘Tiny House’ craze has been sweeping the country for the last few years, with many people eschewing their former lives as “regular house” renters and owners in favor of moving in extremely tiny, “microhouses.” The craze is so popular that there are even several TV shows dedicated to seeking out and buying tiny houses.

Almost everyone who has ever lived in or stayed in a “tiny house” says that it is amazing, but one couple who gave up their former life as teachers in New York to move to a tiny house in Phoenix say that it’s anything but.

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“Living in a tiny house sucks major, unbelievable, massive elephant balls,” said Mark Lawson, 30. “My wife Joanne and I watched all the shows about tiny houses, all the people buying and loving them. Yeah, well, what they don’t show is the shit those people have to deal with day in and day out. They should go back into those homes and visit 6 months later. I bet many divorces have been caused by tiny homes.”

“I can’t even get up from the bed without smacking my face on the walls or the ceiling,” said Joanne Lawson, 31. “Then I go into the shower, which is also the toilet, and you have to do your business at the same time as you’re cleaning yourself. Then the kitchen – oh my God. It’s a nightmare. It’s either microwaving or dining out for us. That’s all we can handle.”

The Lawsons say that they paid almost $300,000 for their tiny home in the Phoenix desert, and they’re doing everything they can to sell it.

“This was the stupidest idea we ever had,” said Mark. “For the money we paid for this, we could have bought a 30,000 square foot home in Detroit. Lived like kings. Instead, we’re sleeping on bunkbeds inside of a shipping container. This sucks so much, so big, so hairy, all the balls.”

“The dick, too, really,” added Joanne.

Crotch-Stomper Doritos From China Taste ‘Just Like Balls’

balls

BEIJING, China – 

For years the internet has been confused by an image of a bag of Doritos from China featuring a man appearing to hold another man’s legs apart while he stomps on his crotch. The Doritos, which have been dubbed “Crotch-Stomper” chips, are considered a delicacy in China, unlike the traditional chips sold throughout the world as a standard item.

According to people who have been able to try the chips, they taste exactly the way you’d expect: like balls.

“Oh my God, they’re horrible,” said Mark Jones, who paid almost $100 for a bag online. “I had to try them though – that picture is crazy. But, frankly, they taste exactly the way my balls smell after a long day at the gym or something. Nasty.”

Doritos are manufactured by Frito Lay, who say that the flavor is supposed to be  savory, sweet, and tangy.

“The chips are certainly not supposed to taste like balls,” said Frito Lay spokesman Jeff Miller. “I tried them, I thought they tasted kind of like stale salt & vinegar chips. They’re not my favorite, but people love them, especially in China.”

“I ate a whole bag, I couldn’t get enough of them,” said Missy Loans. “I bought a bag online. Paid about $80 bucks for it, and they were gone in minutes. I don’t know if they really taste like balls – I mean, I’ve had plenty of balls in my mouth over the years, and I’ve never tasted balls like this. Maybe a bit like dick, but I mean, the dick is definitely not balls.”

Dog Kills Owner After Being Forced To Lick Peanut Butter From His Groin

Dog Kills Owner After Being Forced To Lick Peanut Butter From His Groin

 

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana –

Thomas May, age 46, died early Friday morning in his Baton Rouge home. May’s death was caused by his dog, in a brutal attack that neighbors are saying they aren’t at all surprised to finally see happen.

“He would leave his dog out for hours upon hours, and personally I have never seen him feed the dog or pick up any of his droppings,” said Claire Devin, who has lived next to May for 5 years. “He has had the dog for as long as I have lived here, and I did call animal control on him several times. It appears my calls never worked because I never witnessed anyone come check his home for animal cruelty. Tom was a lonely man, he never had company, and the only time I would see him was when he would came out of his home to grab his paper, always just in his underwear.”

Police found May brutally attacked in his living room, with his pants around his ankles and peanut butter covering his groin. It appears from a DNA sample that the dog was licking the peanut butter off of May before attacking his neck and killing him.

Normally, under state law, a dog that attacks has to be put down, but a judge made an exception in the case of May’s dog, who was named Taco.

“He was going to be put down, but a local family heard the story and decided to adopt the dog. I have decided to spare the dog’s life, as it is clear he was under heavy strain and probably abuse, and that is why he attacked Thomas May,” said Judge Joe Goldsmith. “The family says that they have already bonded with Taco, and that the Chihuahua has become fast friends with their children, and their other pets.”

 

 

 

Tom Brady’s Wife Gisele Bündchen Says She’ll Sleep With Super Bowl MVP

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts – Tom Brady’s Wife Gisele Bündchen Says She'll Sleep With Super Bowl MVP

Tom Brady’s supermodel wife, Gisele Bündchen, has reportedly put her body where her mouth is. After the Patriot’s crushing loss to the Giants in Super Bowl XLVI, Brady’s wife says that she is offering the team an incentive to step up their game for this year – by offering to sleep with the MVP when the Pats win. 

“I want my husband to get his fourth Super Bowl ring,” said Bündchen. ”I’m hoping by offering to sleep with the MVP, the rest of the team will work as hard as Tom always does. Tom wants to win too, of course, and I know he’s behind this decision. The whole idea really gets the team fired up. Plus, Tom’s pretty confident that when they win, which they obviously will, that he will be the MVP. Secretly, it’s the only reason that I’m even doing this. I wouldn’t sleep with a football player if I wasn’t already married to one. Plus, my God, can you imagine sleeping with anyone on the Seahawks? Yikes. It does help, too, that Tom’s the sexiest hunk to ever wear pads.”

“Well I know as far as I’m concerned, I’m definitely going to play harder,” said New England’s Rob Gronkowski. ”Personally, I’d really to showing Gisele why it is that I’m a tight end.” 

“Gisele is a real team player, and she is going to make this victory extremely sweet,” said Brady. “In all honesty, there’s no doubt in my mind that I will be MVP, so I really don’t care about this whole ‘announcement’ anyway. I supported her because, hell, it’s just nice to see the team fired up for once. Plus, all this talk about my smoking hot wife really takes your mind off deflated balls, if you know what I mean.”

Gym Teacher Arrested for Assault After Knocking Out a Student in Dodgeball

TAYLOR, Pennsylvania – Gym Teacher Arrested for Assault After Knocking Out a Student in Dodgeball

A Pennsylvania gym teacher is in custody today, after witnesses claim he assaulted one of his students during his class. Mike O’Mally, 38, has been teaching at the school for over 10 years and has never had any previously reported conduct incidents.

According to police, the alleged assault took place during a morning gym class on Friday, but O’Mally is claiming that he didn’t mean to harm his student.

“I asked the kids what game they wanted to play, and they all agreed on dodgeball,” said O’Mally. “We began to play and the kids were having a blast, I was sitting on the sidelines at first, but then the kids started asking me to play so I decided to jump into the game. I started off playing slow and not really given much energy. Then one student began to get very cocky with me, and even started calling me names. I don’t usually lose my temper since I deal with kids all day,  and I know I should have gone about this another way, but I lost control.”

Other pupils in the class say that O’Mally hit the student with the dodgeball directly in the face, causing him to fly backwards and knock his head against the wall. The nurse was called, but as school nurses are the least-trained medical staff there is, they immediately took the unnamed, injured student to a nearby hospital. He had 10 staples in his head and is suffering from a concussion.

“I do feel terrible, but I can’t take back what I did. I hope the kid will be okay and I’m sure he at least learned a lesson from this, in that it isn’t wise to run your mouth, especially to adults. Obviously that kid is having a really bad upbringing at home. But hey, on the bright side, hits to the face in dodgeball are an automatic out, so technically he got me out, and his team won the game!”

O’Mally’s lawyer, Bill S. Preston, Esq., says that he does not expect for his client to do any jail time. “He may have hit the boy with the ball in anger, but they were still playing a game, and it’s not really that uncommon for a gym teacher’s balls to end up in the face of a student anyway. We don’t expect he will serve any punishment for this crime.”

 

Tom Brady Admits To Deflating Balls During AFC Championship Game

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts – Tom Brady Admits To Deflating Balls During AFC Championship Game

Star quarterback for the New England Patriots, Tom Brady, who along with his team is under investigation from the NFL for possibly using under-inflated balls during their AFC Championship win over the Indianapolis Colts, admitted this morning that there were a number of balls deflated during the game.

“I’m sorry to say that yes, there were deflated balls during the AFC Championship game,” said Brady during a press conference Friday morning. “We didn’t want to have to admit this, because it’s not something we, as a team, would normally talk about, but in discussing this with the rest of the guys, we have decided to come clean about everything.”

Reporters, who were eager to hear about the sideline events during the Patriots massacre of a 45-7 win over the Colts, were given more info than even they bargained for.

“You see, we don’t have to deflate our footballs to win games,” said Brady. “We are the New England Patriots, and we can dominate everyone. We’re a dynasty. We have been winning games for eons. But yes, we definitely deflated some balls that day.”

“We deflated the balls of every player on the Colts,” explained Brady. “We deflated their balls when we rushed over them. We deflated their balls when every time we made a touchdown, they had to look up at the scoreboards with tears in their eyes. Hell, we deflated the balls of their fans, as they watched us crush their team that, in all honesty, only plays at slightly above the level of a Pee-Wee Football team. Yes, we deflated some balls, that’s for sure. But we certainly didn’t have to deflate any footballs to beat a team in our home.”

Currently, no penalties are being lobbied by the NFL to the New England Patriots over the severe deflating of balls that the Colts team and fans were forced to endure.

 

NBA, WNBA Begin Negotiations To Combine Into One League

NEW YORK CITY, New York – NBA, WNBA Begin Negotiations To Combine Into One League

A huge announcement was made this morning by Adam Silver, president of the National Basketball Association, and it means things as we know it in the world of sports will definitely be changing. According to Silver, as soon as next year, the NBA and WNBA will be merged into one league, tentatively called the CENBA, or the Co-Ed National Basketball Association.

The combined league idea came about after decades of the WNBA pulling in terrible viewership numbers, and investors in the league say they thought it was time to move away from the all-female basketball teams, and see if the professional ladies could take on the professional men.

As it turns out, the ladies certainly can hold their own. In several private scrimmage matches held during off-days, a few female pros made some NBA stars look like rookies.

“My team is struggling badly, as are all WNBA teams, and this can be a huge change for teams all over the league,” said Tom O’Neil, owner of the WNBA team the Houston Hairylegs. “So many NBA teams have tons of overpaid all-stars on their team, because the NBA has all the money. I see a lot of talent in these WNBA players, and combining leagues, the women can finally make the money they deserve, which is about 60 cents on every dollar that the men make.”

“I formed a committee of owners, and told them the pros of this merger. Several months ago, we came to this decision, and have been waiting for the perfect time to announce it,” said Doug Reemer, owner of WNBA team the Pittsburgh Pussies. “And finally, after a few months, we made the deal with the NBA. With so many new players coming in, a lot of people will be cut, but I’m telling you – these ladies have a lot of balls going up against the men of the NBA. I really, really envy their balls.”

The CENBA is set to be launched by the 2015 basketball season, and insider reports already are talking numbers and money. Most sports professionals say that a merger could bring in almost double the revenue that the NBA brought in during the 2014 season. That would be equivalent to approximately 36 times the revenue brought in by the WNBA over the last 5 seasons.

 

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