Philip Morris Introduces New ‘Healthy Cigarettes’ That Will DESTROY Cancer Cells

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Great news for longterm smokers who are suffering from black lung, emphysima, cancer, and a host of other diseases contracted from years of inhaling cigarette smoke and toxins – Philip Morris International, one of the largest manufacturers of cigarettes in the world, has announced that they have created a new, healthy cigarette – one that can actually fight disease.

“This new cigarette is a combined effort of over 30 years worth of research,” said Mario Philips, President of Philip Morris. “We know that people who smoke, absolutely love it, despite the hazards like cancer and death. So we have spent decades researching new options that can keep them enjoying something they love, and also keep them alive to do it even longer.”

Philips says that the company’s new cigarette contains a “host of ingredients” that are all “top secret,” and can not divulge what might be in them, but says that most are known cancer-fighting agents, as well as other natural ingredients, and a new high-dose of what they’re calling a Cancer-Killer.

“We developed this new drug, this new cancer killer, over the last handful of years, and it works. We’ve tested it on thousands of people, and they were all cured of their cancer,” said Philips. “It’s really revolutionary. The important thing, though, as that these smokes taste just as good, just as rich, as our regular cigarettes.

The new cigarettes will be hitting store shelves in October.

Newport Plans To Introduce New Marijuana Cigarettes For Sale In States Where Weed Is Legal

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As Reported By Empire Herald:

Newport Cigarettes, one of the world’s most popular cigarette brands, announced today that they will join the marijuana legalization trend and start producing marijuana cigarettes. Marketed under the brand ‘Newport Nirvana’, the cigarettes will be made available for sale through marijuana-licensed outlets in the state of Colorado, and the state of Washington.

Reynolds American Inc. Chief Marketing Executive Lawrence Harrison, said in an interview that the company has been ecstatic on the idea of marketing cannabis, and has been monitoring the market for some time. It was only when the recent legalization initiatives…

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U.S. Government Says You Can Buy Alcohol, Cigarettes With Food Stamps Starting 2017

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Faced with lingering debts due to a still struggling economy, President Barack Obama issued an executive order today allowing the purchase of alcohol and cigarettes with food stamps.

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) offers nutrition assistance to eligible individuals who face financial or other hardships when trying to adequately feed themselves and their dependents.

The US Department of Agriculture, which oversees the program, has a strict policy on which items can and cannot be purchased with food stamps.  Alcohol and cigarettes are not categorized as “essential nutrition,” and were never allowed on the “Food Stamp Safety List” – until now.

“We’re faced with tough times. American families are still struggling, although the economy is slowly recovering,” said President Obama. “The boost in sales generated by alcohol and cigarette sales will help aid in the recovery efforts, and generate much-needed revenue.”

For years, the President has struggled with a much publicized nicotine addiction, and this executive decision is bound to raise the hackles of nutrition experts, not to mention closer to home, where the First Lady, Michelle Obama, has advocated healthy eating habits and exercise.  When asked if that may create tension within the White House, the President replied “I hope not.”

Other items disallowed on the food stamp list include vitamins, medicine, hot food or food eaten in a store, live animals, and cosmetics.

Major tobacco manufacturers and alcohol distributors have been slow to overly praise the decision, seen as controversial from both sides of the political aisle.  Members of the GOP have also remained strangely silent in their usual criticism of the President’s every action, owing to the fact that many members of Congress are on vacation and receive large subsidies from the alcohol and tobacco industries.

119-Year-Old Woman Credits Long Life To Cigarettes

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BOISE, Idaho –

Mrs. Elle Clark just turned 119 earlier this week, and she celebrated the day the same way she’s greeted every day for the last 108 years – with a cigarette.

“Oh yes, it’s the only way to really start your day and feel good,” said Clark, who has outlived all 6 of her children, as well as her 3 grandchildren. “There’s nothing better than a good unfiltered smoke, except, of course, for unfiltered prayer.”

Mrs. Clark says that she first began smoking when she was about 11 years old, after her mother left an unfinished cigarette in the ashtray.

“I snuck it out, and smoked it, and it was the first time I felt I could actually breathe, you know?” said Mrs. Clark. “After that I was hooked.”

Clark said she was so excited about smoking, she even named her children after cigarettes and cigarette-related things.

“I had six children, God rest their souls,” said Clark. “My oldest was Philip, then came Morris. I had a daughter, Marby, and another son, Paul Mall. Then my youngest two were boys as well, Benson and Hedges. They were all happy kids growing up, they all lived well into adulthood, but none of them took up smoking, and they all died young.”

Mrs. Clark says that she is extremely thankful for her 4-pack-a-day habit, and that she doesn’t see herself slowing down on smoking any time soon.

“I’ll probably smoke until I’m dead, and even then, I want to be buried with a pack in the casket and one in my mouth,” said Clark. “It’s really a wonderful life I’ve lived.”

‘Ultra Smoking’ Trend Proves Deadly As Cancer Rates Skyrocket

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LOS ANGLES, California – 

In the ghettos of South Central, Los Angeles in California, young African-American men have turned to a new trend referred to as “ultra smoking,” or sticking as many cigarettes in as many orifices as possible when smoking. Ultra Smoking apparently started last year, and the trend quickly spread.

“Oh man, I’ve seen some mothafuckas who smoke a whole pack at once,” said ghetto thug Jamal ‘Crazy Crack’ Jones. “My boy Dion, that boy usually smoke three or four cigarettes at once in his mouth, couple in each nostril, even sometimes he’ll stick a few in his ass. I guess those ones are the hardest to inhale, but that dude, he figured it out.”

Doctors warn that the litany of ways that young black men can die, including sickle cell and gangland shootings, “ultra smoking” is the least of their concerns.

“Frankly, we don’t see that this so-called ‘ultra smoking’ will really make their lives any worse,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Cambridge University in Boston. “Most of these men will die young anyway. Between prison, gun violence, and white cops who don’t check their own privilege before firing off their guns, yeah, ultra smoking is dangerous, but not as dangerous as all the other activity these gang bangers get involved in.”

Other people aren’t so sure that Ultra Smoking should be considered a hip, new trend, though. Researchers as the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute found that smoking more than one cigarette at a time is 37% more likely to kill you, especially when you smoke the cigarettes through your ass.

Marlboro To Release Marijuana Cigarette Packs In Colorado, Washington D.C.

BOULDER, Colorado – 

Finally catching up to the fake images that have been floating around the internet for years, Philip-Morris, the makers of Marlboro cigarettes, have announced that they are actually releasing packs of marijuana cigarettes in markets where the drug has been legalized for recreational use.

“We have been watching the sales of marijuana in Colorado for over a year now, and the numbers are staggering,” said Philip-Morris spokesman Jim Bean. “We know that there have been fake pictures of a Marlboro marijuana cigarette that have been floating around online for years, and we can honestly say that now, the debunking can stop. We’re getting in on this, and we’re going to get in huge.”

Philip-Morris reportedly obtained the necessary permits from the U.S. Government, and plan to start manufacturing the cigarettes as early as December.

“We know that pot heads love their weed, and we know that they like to buy in bulk, and that’s why we’re making this convenient and easy and putting them in packs, just like our regular cigarettes,” said Bean. “The great thing is, we have been looking for a way to make a ‘safer’ cigarette for years, and we’ve lied many times about the harmful effects of cigarettes. But now, we can finally say that we’ve got a safer alternative to smoking cigarettes – Marlboro Marijuana cigarettes!”

Upstart Company Designs Vaporizer For Use With Smoking Crack Cocaine

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

A new company based out of New York City claims they have invented a modified version of a vaporizer machine, used mostly by hipsters and often referred to as ‘vaping,’ for using in smoking crack cocaine. The machines, which currently use a liquid ‘juice’ that contain only some of the ingredients found in cigarettes, are often allowed where cigarettes are not, as they don’t contain the same types of harmful chemicals when exhaled.

“We invented a machine that would allow crack smokers to get their fix more openly, and with a more smooth feeling,” said CrackRockers CEO Joe Goldsmith. “We are all heavy vapers, and that honestly lead to some other drugs for us. I only ever smoked cigarettes. Then I got into e-cigs. Then vaping. And then eventually weed, and from there, it was all downhill.”

After an arrest in 2013 for smoking crack in a public place, Goldsmith says he “got his shit together,” and started CrackRockers.

“I took one of my old vaping machines, and I modified it heavily to be able to accept crack rocks,” said Goldsmith. “It took me over a year to get a machine that worked, but we ended up with was a vape that allowed crack smokers to enjoy all the highs that crack offers, but without tasting like you’re smoking plastic out of a homeless man’s unwashed asshole.”

Goldsmith says that he is currently working to patent the product, and that he hopes, with less-strict regulation on drugs in many states, to have the item available to the public within the next year.

New York To Raise Cigarette Taxes, Prices Could Reach $25 Per Pack

NEW YORK CITY, New York – New York To Raise Cigarette Taxes, Prices Could Reach $25 Per Pack

With cigarette prices going up in cities all over the nation, it appears that New York will soon hold the crown once again as the state with the most expensive cigarettes. Cigarettes have been heavily taxed by state and federal regulators, with the cost increasing steadily over the past 20 years, but now New York will be adding an additional tax to them.

The decision was made after congress saw that New Yorkers were still buying cigarettes like crazy, even with their ridiculous prices. A study conducted by the state science board showed that people in New York spend more money on tobacco then they do on food year-over-year.

“Taxing cigarettes is a perfect way for us to earn money for our schools, for our roads, really for whatever we want,” said New York state representative Aaron Silver. “We might just use the money to have a big party at the State House. It doesn’t matter. People need their smokes, and they’ll pay whatever the cost.”

“In the long run, they’re just going to get what they want,” said New York smoker Jared Coff. “I don’t have time to drive into Jersey for my cigarettes, and even if I did the gas would equal the damn savings anyway. I might as well cut my losses and just pay whatever they’re asking. I hear that Camels, which is my brand, could hit $25 or $30 a pack. It’s a Goddamn racket is what it is.”

Currently, the average price of cigarettes nationwide is about $8, so New York’s new tax will essentially triple the cost of a normal pack. Prices in New York City tend to trend slightly higher already, at anywhere from $12-$14 for a pack of many major brands.

“What else can I do, really, except pay it?” said smoker Chris Moke. “I smoke, and the prices are going up. So they double? Whatever. You pay it, you bitch, and you move on. Really, that’s the only option, as far as I can see it. The price of milk has gone up a ton over the years, too, but I ain’t putting water in my cereal, ya know?”

According to a recent street poll, over 90% of New Yorkers say that they are against the new tax, but that they would still pay for their cigarettes. When the idea of just quitting was brought up, and overwhelming 100% said that the thought never crossed their mind.

 

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