Man Sells Golf Ball Hit By President Trump For $87,000 in eBay Auction

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

An Atlanta man has reportedly sold a golf ball hit by President Trump during one of his many, many, many golf games from his first 100 days as president, for an astounding $86,985 in an eBay auction.

“I was pretty surprised it went for so much. It’s not signed or anything, just a regular Titleist, but it was hit into a sand trap by Donald Trump while I was watching him play a month or so ago,” said the anonymous seller. “He couldn’t find it, so shrugged, told his caddy to mark it as a hole-in-one, and then left it. As soon as he and his entourage moved to the next hole, I went in and snagged it.”

The seller says that he expected to fetch a few bucks, “mostly as a gag,” but was very surprised when two buyers drove up the price in a bidding war. He was even more surprised, he said, when the buyer actually paid.

“He sent me a paypal payment of $86,985 – and then another $4 for shipping costs,” said the seller. “I shipped it right out, then went and paid off my car and put down a huge chunk on my mortgage, too. Not bad considering I voted for Johnson.”

Computer Glitch Accidentally Places Six Million People on Sex Offender List

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Computer Glitch Accidentally Places Six Million People on Sex Offender List

In a press briefing today, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest had the embarrassing job of explaining to the public how a computer glitch will negatively affect 6 million people. 

”It has come to our attention that because of a simple computer error, almost 6 million people have been wrongfully put on the registered sex offender list. As it happens, all 6 million appear to be registered Conservatives that voted in the November mid-terms. I want to make it clear that this was an honest mistake, and in no means some sort plotted revenge orchestrated by the White House after the embarrassing results of the election.”

”I want to assure the American people that I will get to the bottom of this, just like I did in the IRS scandal, Benghazi, Fast and Furious, and Solydra,” said President Obama from a golf course in Hawaii. “I encourage all Conservatives affected by the error to hire attorneys to defend against any possible claims of sexual misconduct that may arise due to this computer malfunction, as it may take several months to a year to fix. We have people going through the list right now, name by name, comparing it to old lists, to see who should actually be on there, and who should not – but it will take time.”

“This is the Presidents most outrageous use of power since his last most outrageous use of power. I would like to assure the American people, we will get to the bottom of this, we will have conferences and hearings, right after the Thanksgiving break. Actually, maybe the Christmas break,” said John Boehner (R. – Ohio). “I encourage all Republicans and Conservatives to double their donations to the GOP, because this will be an expensive process.”

 

Tiger Woods To Announce Retirement From PGA Tour To Focus On Miniature Golf Career

JUPITER ISLAND, Florida – Tiger Woods Rumored To Announce Retirement From PGA Tour To Focus On Miniature Golf Career

Earlier today golf legend, sports insider, and course designer Jack Nicklaus revealed to Empire News that after a long discussion with Tiger Woods, Woods told Nicklaus that he was 95% certain that he would retire from the Professional Golf Association (PGA) Tour to pursue a professional career in what he called his number-one passion – miniature golf.

“I thought he was joking at first, then he started rambling about how mini-golf is what made him fall in love with golf as a child,  he said it was all about fun back then. Then he started rambling off about all these international miniature golf tournaments and the his ideas about joining the U.S. Pro Mini-Golf Association,” Nicklaus said.

Woods, the number one PGA player during 2013, has had a dismal fall in rankings while being plagued by chronic back pain, and currently is ranked as the 201st best player in the world. In his seven 2014 PGA starts he has placed in the top 25 only once.

Nicklaus, a longtime friend, mentor, and critic of Woods went on to say that Tiger insisted he was not leaning toward retirement because of the back injury.

“He told me that he knows if he truly wanted to, he could come back and be one of the top players in 2015, but it just isn’t fun to him anymore, not like mini-golf. He insisted that putt-putt has always been his passion, but while under constant pressure from all of his endorsements, he simply could not pursue a professional career. Now he knows what he wants and he is going for it,” Nicklaus added.

Empire News contacted USPMGA President Ballard Little, and he would neither confirm nor deny rumors that Tiger Woods will be joining the mini-golf circuit. “I can tell you that Tiger is a great friend of mine, and we have burned up the mini-links together several times, but I am in no position to make an announcement at this time. I will say that on a personal and professional level, he would be great for the sport and it would surely gain in popularity tremendously throughout the entire United States, and even the world over, if he were to begin seriously competing. And that is all I will say about that!” Little said with a hint of bottled up excitement.

Woods has 79 PGA tour wins in a career spanning from 1992 to 2014, and has accumulated over $109 million dollars in earned winnings. Quite the résumé for a budding pro mini-golf superstar.

When Nicklaus was asked when Woods would go public with the news, he said, “I assume he’s just waiting for the right time. I suspect that he is holding off until the mini-golf related endorsement deals to be worked out. Personally, I think he will make it official before the holidays.”

Reportedly, Woods is seeking endorsement deals from Tacki-mac, the leading manufacturer of mini-golf clubs and grips, as well as Toys ‘R’ Us and Pirates Cove Adventure Golf.

 

Obama Drains Martha’s Vineyard Pond To Retrieve Commemorative Golf Ball

OAK BLUFFS, Massachusetts – Obama Drains Martha’s Vineyard Pond To Retrieve Commemorative Golf Ball

Day 5 of President Barack Obama’s annual vacation to the resort island community of Martha’s Vineyard was met with dismay and controversy, when a fresh-water pond was drained so that a commemorative golf ball could be retrieved.

During an early round of play at the exclusive Farm Neck Golf Club located in the town of Oak Bluffs, an unidentified member of the President’s entourage hit a ball into a pond facing the eastern edge of the course.  The water hazard is located above a natural aquifer made up of sand and gravel, and serves as an essential ground water filter.

Cal Silva, Environmental Quality Officer for Dukes County remarked, “The natural purifying system provided by the aquifer is indispensable for proper environmental balance, not only for this locale, but also for the entire Island.  We learned today that the pond was drained by executive order without our consent.  A homeowner whose property abuts the golf course informed me when he noticed that dredging of the pond had started, and quite honestly, I was shocked.  The health and well-being of local shellfish and wildlife may very well be severely compromised due to this,” added Silva.

Reaction spread quickly throughout this closely-knit community, made up of year-rounders, summer residents, and day-trippers. Cafe owner Suzanne North expressed a commonly shared opinion.

“This the kind of place where you leave things the way you found them, especially when it comes to nature.  It’s unfathomable to me how this was allowed to happen, and all for a golf ball?  This is one of the few places left where people can share something special.  A lot of my regulars are very upset about it.”

Cafe patron Roland Sanders commented, “They [the President and his family] keep a pretty low profile around here normally, except for when they come in town to one of the restaurants.  You wouldn’t hardly know they’re here until the whole Secret Service shows up and whatnot, so that’s pretty exciting because you know he’s close by.  But this thing with the pond has made a lot of people a little uncomfortable now.  It’s like they took charge all of a sudden and changed the way things work without first thinking about the Vineyard or asking anybody.”

Not everyone in the town was as upset at the situation as Sanders, though. Several avid golfers from the area say they completely understood losing a ball in that water trap.

“I’ve golfed at Farm Neck many, many times,” said resident Henry Bellows. “I’ve lost countless balls to that pond. If I had the power to have it drained to get them back, I would have. Now that it’s happened, though, I am tempted to sneak down there with a bucket and pick up some free balls.”

Quality officer Silva expressed optimism that the natural balance could be restored if enough rainfall replenishes the now drained wetland.

“Nature has a way of taking care of itself.  Already there are a number of birds who are feeding at the marshland that was created by this event, so that’s a benefit in a strange way which we’ve not been able to observe before.  I can only hope for the best, but my office will be meeting with the President’s staff and I’ve personally requested a meeting with the head of the EPA.  She’s a New Englander, so I know she understands the island and how strongly we feel about this.”

According to reports, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Gina McCarthy, a Greater Boston area resident, would soon be traveling to the island, located 4 miles from the Massachusetts coastline. President Obama would not comment on the incident, but a representative from the White House said that the environment has always been important to the President and his family.

“This was a really important golf ball, though,” he added. “One of a kind. In case you are wondering, we were able to retrieve the ball after draining the pond, so it was not a total loss.”

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