Delta Airlines Forcing Customers To Check Large, ‘Phablet’ Phones

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Delta Airlines has announced that from the beginning of April, large “phablet” smartphones will have to be checked in with luggage. This will mean that owners of iPhone 6+ and Samsung Galaxy Notes will have to forego the offline capabilities that their phones offer, which are especially useful on flights.

Delta CEO, Richard H Anderson, explained the reasons for the drastic measure.

“Smartphones are simply getting too big,” he told a press conference. “If we don’t start implementing restrictions now, it will soon be too late, and even more damage will be caused to the unrealistic expectations our passengers already have.”

Another reason, given by security expert John Penn, is that these phablets may have capabilities which could be a risk factor to other passengers.

“They’re perfect for terrorism,” Penn said. “They’re big, so therefore you can fit a lot of information on them. Maybe you could even hide a knife, or explosives, inside the device. Yup, big means more things,” he continued, in response to a challenge as to his previous assertion. “We all know that’s why desktop computers can have more data, and iPads can hold more than iPhones. That’s how it works, and nothing you say can change my opinion.”

Many frequent flyers of Delta Airlines have been left fuming at the company’s decision.

“They can’t do this to us!” said Paul Herrera. “I need my iPhone on a flight. How else am I going to watch YouTube clips of cute babies, and read blogs telling me how to be a better person. I’ll never be a better person!”

Some, however, are pleased about the new regulations.

“Ugh, I hate phablets on airplanes,” Todd Toddster told us. “People always walk through the aisles, carrying them on their backs, knocking into other passengers left right and center. And then they squeeze into a seat next to you, with that f***ing device poking you in the eye, and not allowing you to sleep. They’re worse than crying babies.”

Crying babies are reportedly the next item that, in the future, will need to be checked when flying.

Man Uses Bent iPhone 6 To Free Baby From Locked Car

Posted on December 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

TAHLEQUAH, Oklahoma –

Good news today for Apple and their latest flagship product, as a loyal ‘iFan’ was able to turn an engineering scandal into a stroke of genius and save a baby’s life in the process. Mark Mahone, a part-time model and actor from Tahlequah, Oklahoma was walking through a local mall parking lot on the way to his car,when he spotted a woman waving frantically.

“She just ran up to me, all frantic like,” Mahone recounts. “She was screaming ‘my baby is locked in the car!’ over and over. Real uptight sounding. So I walk over to the car with her and sure enough, the baby was locked in the dang car. Well, as an actor I once played a criminal on a second-rate TV show, and my scene involved unlocking a car with a slim jim, which is basically just a flat piece of metal that is bent just right at the end. Tensions are running kinda high though, and I can’t think of a thing I can use to unlock the car.”

According to Mahone, he was seconds away from merely smashing the woman’s window with his hands or face, but another idea came to him instead.

“Then it hit me. I got the iPhone 6 plus! I figured I could bend it jussstt right, like I saw on all the bad reviews that I didn’t get to read because I bought it on day-1 at the midnight release. Anyway, so I bent her good, right then and there. It was real easy since it’s not a real sturdy phone. It took a couple of seconds, but I popped the lock and she was able to get her baby. Before I knew it, there was a reporter there, asking me questions. Said I was a hero and stuff.”

Other bystanders remember it a little differently. Thad Henry, a local mechanic, was also on the scene.

“This lady locks her kid in the car. Total dumbass move. Too busy texting like an idiot. Then this other dude comes along and bends his $900 dollar piece of Apple shit into a slim jim. Typical iPhone dumbass – it’s a phone, dude! He never even thought to just call the police. Neither did the mom, apparently. I mean, it’s a pretty mild 68 degrees out here, the baby is asleep, and a cop could be here to pop the lock for free in five minutes. I’m just watching this whole thing go down, in total awe. Anyway, so this jackoff bends his phone in half to unlock the door. He has to be a hero or whatever, and winds up looking like a total tool, ’cause he bought a shitty phone and then bent it in half to make it even shittier. Typical iPhone idiot, I tell ya!”

Perhaps the mother said it best. “I don’t know if it was the smart thing to do, but it got my door open, and my baby is safe. Sounds like a happy ending to me.”

Meanwhile, Apple warranty doesn’t cover bent iPhones, so with a bit of luck, Mahone will be able to bend his back to a useable shape.

Man Uses Loophole To Legally Marry iPhone 6

Posted on November 8, 2014 by JP

FRESNO, California –

With gay marriage being a hot button political issue over the least few years, now it appears that people will have something else to argue about. A Fresno man has recently taken to the altar, but there was no person standing across from him when he got married.

Robert Henry, age 25, has been married for about a month now. The thing hat makes this marriage strange is the fact that it isn’t even with a living creature. Henry has found a way to legal marry his iPhone 6, and claims he has no regrets in doing so.

“I waited in line for her for about 13 hours, and when I finally met her, it was love at first sight,” said Henry. “Most people don’t see this as true love, but I’ve never felt this way about any person or other object before, so it must be love.”

Henry hired lawyers in his home state of California to find a loophole in the marriage laws that would allow him to legally wed his iPhone. Once they were able to find that there was no official wording on whether a recipient of marriage had to actually be human, that was all Henry needed to continue with his quest. He hired his own officiate, and tied the knot with his new phone at the beginning of October. He has his marriage license and paper work to back it.

“Most people think I’m looking for attention, or maybe I saw the movie Her one too many times, but that isn’t the case at all. I really am in love,” said Henry.

When we asked him what he would do if he ever dropped the phone in water, or it broke, Henry was speechless. “I’m not sure. That really never crossed my mind. But, I don’t use Jennifer – that’s her name, by the way – as a real ‘phone.’ She comes with me everywhere, sure, but when it comes to making calls or texting and stuff, I have a Samsung Galaxy for that. Jennifer is usually safe in my pocket when I’m traveling.”

For now Henry and his phone live happily in Fresno, and Henry says that he has no plans on ever getting divorced, not even when the iPhone 7 comes out. “Well, unless it’s better looking than the iPhone 6,” said Henry.