Inmate Sues Prison System After Saying Multiple Assaults ‘Turned Him Gay’


CARSON CITY, Nevada – 

Johnny “Rebel” Wilson, 30, is an inmate in the Carson City prison system in Nevada, and has been since he was 19. Wilson was convicted of slaughtering his entire family in 2004, and is serving a life sentence. Wilson claims now, though, that the last decade of rapes and attacks he has been inflicted with has “turned him gay,” and he is suing the prison system.

“I weren’t no faggot when I came into jail, but I been getting raped so long and so hard, that now all I can do is think about sweet, fat cock,” said Wilson. “I don’t wanna be no queer, and this shit ain’t right. It’s the prison’s fault for making me a gay. Hell they don’t even give these guys no condoms, so I have to take it raw. That’s probably why I’m so gay now. If they at least had condoms, I probably wouldn’t have gotten the gay this bad.”

Lawyers for Wilson say that he doesn’t have much of case, but that his homies on the outside are coercing them into taking the job.

“Obviously Mr. Wilson was gay before he came to prison, as it’s pretty common knowledge that you’re either born gay, or you’re not, but no matter what we tell him, Mr. Wilson insists that the prison is to blame,” said attorney Joseph A. Goldsmith. “We can’t talk him out of this lawsuit, so we’re moving forward at his request.”

Goldsmith says that his client is seeking monetary damages of $15 million for his sudden “gayness,” and says that the strain and stress has been so bad, that he deserves to be let out of prison with a full pardon.

Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Killing His Wife Via ‘Dutch Oven’


DARWIN, West Virginia – 

Harold Spizer, 39, was sentenced to life in prison on Monday for the 2013 death of his wife, Kathy Spizer, 35. Harold had been in prison since his arrest in August of 2013, after police say he killed Kathy via a dutch oven in their bedroom.

“I still, to this day, maintain that it was just an unfortunate joke gone wrong,” said Spizer, who now sits in solitary confinement in Darwin Federal Penitentiary. “She always thought it was disgusting when I farted, and so I’d tease her and do it all the time when we were laying in bed. That night a few years ago, it was just too hot, too stuffy, and the gas was just extra bad. It wasn’t on purpose.”

Police say that Spizer had eaten Mexican food for dinner, and had ‘extra bad gas’ on an especially warm night in 2013, and used it to murder his wife.

“He gave her a Dutch oven, which is when you pass gas, and then hold the bedding and covers over your partner’s head, so they are forced to, well, deal with it, as it were,” said police chief Joel Miller. “Kathy was killed from the extreme nature of her husband’s gas.”

The court case was a long time coming, and Kathy’s family say that they are “very excited” that Harold Spizer will pay for his crimes.

Actor Jake Gyllenhaal To Spend Six Months In Prison Voluntarily To Research For Role As Inmate

LOS ANGELES, California – Actor Jake Gyllenhaal To Spend Six Months In Prison Voluntarily To Research For Role As Inmate

Actor Jake Gyllenhaal, known for his extensive research when preparing to portray a character, is at it again. The 34-year-old actor, who rode with third shift LAPD street cops for six months to study for his role in the 2012 drama End of Watch, lost an almost dangerous amount of weight for his role as a frail journalist in the recent sleeper hit Nightcrawler.

Apparently Gyllenhaal has taken method acting to new heights once more, as he has packed on over fifty pounds of muscle for his role as a professional boxer in the movie Southpaw, and has been granted access by warden Connie Gipson to spend six months at the notoriously violent maximum-security California State Prison known as Corcoran for his role in another new film, The Crimson Shadow.

Gyllenhaal is often referred to as one the hardest working actors in Hollywood when it comes to preparing for a role, and according to several filmmakers, he’s extremely involved in becoming his character as much as possible.

“It was Jake’s idea to spend time on the inside as a real inmate. I told him he was crazy and that they would never allow it, nor would we want him to try something so absurd,” said Crimson director Martin Scorsese. “But he went to Corcoran warden Connie Gipson, and somehow convinced her to let him spend six months just as a real prisoner would – no special treatment or anything. That boy is something else.”

Corcoran prison is known for its violent history and for housing one of the most notorious inmates of all time, Charles Manson. According to Scorsese, Gyllenhaal has also been granted the opportunity to have several meetings with Manson.

“I’m serious, Jake is hardcore. He’s going to have meetings with Charles Manson so he can get inside the mind of a killer, a criminal,” said Southpaw director Antoine Fuqua. “He actually went out and filmed car crashes and robberies when he was preparing for his role in Nightcrawler. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if he was having sex with cowboys when he was making Brokeback Mountain, because that’s how goddamn method that guy is.”

Southpaw is scheduled for release in late 2015. Scorsese says that The Crimson Shadow begins filming as soon as Gyllenhaal is ‘released’.

Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Littering

PLANO, Texas – Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Littering

A man in Plano, Texas is looking at a life sentence in prison after a strange event occurred last September. Barry Lutz, age 34, is behind bars fighting for his freedom after being sentenced to jail for littering.

The events following the littering have currently given Lutz a life sentence, with no possibility of parole. A representative for Lutz is attempting to clear the air for him and change the drastic and unfair sentence handed down by judge Alvin Spenser.

“This is just the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen in all my years as a lawyer,” said Lutz’s lawyer Miles Jarlin. “This is just a ‘good ol’ boys’ kind of deal, because the incident involved a police officer who happens to play gold with the judge.”

“That insinuation is absurd,” said Judge Spenser. “I just hate littering, and I think the punishment, in this case, fits the crime perfectly. This will serve as a message to every other damn litterbug in the state of Texas.”

According to witness reports, the littering t took place on a local road in Plano, and most of the people say they think that this could have ended in a much brighter outcome.

While walking down his street, Lutz threw a crushed soda can on the ground, and an off duty police officer witnessed it, and demanded he throw it away. Lutz begrudgingly picked up the can and whipped it towards a public trash receptacle nearby. Unfortunately for Lutz, the can didn’t make it to the trash, as the wind took it and sent it flying directly into officer Jason Mills’ eye. The metal from crushed can punctured his retina, and doctors have confirmed that it would be a miracle if the officer ever regains vision in the eye.

While Lutz is claiming he was aiming for he trash to throw away the soda can, the now half-blind police officer testified in court that Lutz was aiming for him the entire time.

Lutz was convicted with assaulting an officer, attempted murder, and littering.


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