Muslims Send Letter of Thanks To Trump For Banning Them From Entering U.S.

Posted on January 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SYRIA –

A group of Muslims has sent a nice letter and package to the office of Donald Trump at the White House, after he banned their entire country from entering the United States.

The group says that they are “overjoyed” that they will not be allowed to enter the country, as they say Donald Trump has turned the place into a “full blown shit show.”

“There was a time where all I ever wanted was to visit the United States. I saved for years to be able to visit, and then Donald Trump took over,” said Farook Mashud. “He has taken the country and basically turned it around, bent it over, and fucked it like a goat in heat. There is no reason to visit anymore, and now I am happy to be banned.”

Many Muslims around the globe shared Mashud’s sentiment, saying that they will just “wait four years” before they try to come again.

“Even if the ban is lifted, I see no reason to go to the United States anymore,” said Khalmid Bariel. “I really wanted to visit with Obama was running things, but with that white devil turning the country into a giant pile of feces, I do not want to take a chance of being beaten or murdered while visiting. I will stay in Syria.”

Muslim Man ‘Extremely Pleased’ That Planned Parenthood Shooter Was White

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

A Muslim man said that he ‘extremely pleased’ that the Planned Parenthood shooter was white, saying that it takes the heat off all Muslims, at least for a second.

“It’s so nice that he was just a crazy-looking white dude, and not a Muslim or extremist,” said Mohammed Kabal. “Normally, something shitty happens, some shooting or something like that, and it’s always a Muslim. Hell, even if it’s not a Muslim, if the guy is even remotely dark skinned, it’s anti-Muslim across the board from everyone in this country.”

Mohammed says that he hopes that, as there are more inevitable terrorist attacks throughout the world, that the perpetrators are white guys like the Planned Parenthood shooter.

“All those terrorists in Paris, they were European nationals, and most of them, if not all, were white,” said Mohammed. “It changed the game for us Muslims.”

9/11 Mastermind Escapes From Guantanamo Bay Prison, Country On High Alert

Posted on November 24, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba –

Although many people associate Osama Bin Laden as the “mastermind” behind the 9/11 attacks, another name may be slightly less recognized, although equally as important in the history of the crime: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Mohammed has been commonly referred to as the “principal architect” of the 9/11 attacks on the United States, and was arrested by the US government after confessing to his role at the end of 2003. Sources at Guantanamo are now saying, though, that Mohammed has escaped from prison, and that he is likely headed back to U.S. soil.

“During these times of violent terrorist attacks, which are happening more frequently throughout the world, many citizens of the United States are naturally very worried,” said Department of Justice spokesman Carl Reiner. “With the escape of Khalid Mohammed, they should be extremely worried, as despite his old, feeble, mind and tortured, weakened body from years of abuse in Guantanamo, he is still a terrorist mastermind, and we are all on high alert.”

According to the DOJ, Mohammed has “every intention” of continuing his reign of terror on the United States, as he was a confessed war criminal, responsible for the 9/11 attacks, the World Trade Center bombing, the Richard Reid shoe bombing, and many other crimes against the United States and other countries.

“He was facing the death penalty, and he knew it,” said Reiner. “He was appealing his conviction, but there was no way a group of American citizens, military or otherwise, would ever let him live. He was scared, and he ran. We cannot, at this time, discuss the circumstances surrounding his escape, but we caution that people should be on high alert, and watch out for anyone fitting Mohammed’s description.”

Khalid Mohammed is described as “looks like he’s an old, Muslim terrorist,” despite having been born in Kuwait and not being a Muslim.

“Frankly, we’re aware Americans can’t tell the difference between a real terrorist and the guy who runs their local 7-11, so just be aware, and be vigilant,” said Reiner.

Facebook To Begin Deactivating Accounts Of Anyone Who Posts About ISIS

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, California –

Whether you are against ISIS, like most people, or somehow slinking by as a terrorist supporter, Facebook has announced that they will be systematically deactivating accounts that frequently talk about ISIS, Muslims, terrorism, or anything else that they deem “inappropriate.”

“Frankly, it’s their website, and they can do whatever they want,” said user Joe Goldsmith. “I think people forget that Facebook may be made up of its users, but it is not owned and controlled by the users. Facebook has the right to delete or post whatever they want, and if they don’t like your stupid post, then they can delete it.”

According to Facebook spokesman Al Greene, the company is removing the accounts of people who post too often about ISIS, Muslim extremists, and other terrorist groups, because it “upsets other users.”

“If we’re friends on Facebook, and you are constantly posting pictures of your dog, and I have a fear of them, well frankly, those pictures will upset me,” said Greene. “We are trying to be the middle man so no one has to see the dog, no one has to have any fear. If your uncle Charlie is constantly posting pictures and articles talking about ISIS, then we’re going to step in and shut down his account. It’s only fair.”

Greene says that everyone will get one warning, but repeatedly posting controversial topics will lead to account suspension or deletion.

White Christian Teen Arrested For Wearing Shoes With Picture Of Clock To School

Posted on September 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FRYEBURG, Maine –

A 13-year-old white student was arrested at a school in Fryeburg, Maine this morning for allegedly wearing shoes that had a picture of a clock on them. Police say that white kid Jacob Smith painted the shoes himself, and has a keen interest in clocks and art, and thought other kids would think they were “cool.”

“Jacob Smith was arrested after wearing inappropriate footwear to class,” said Fryeburg police chief Aaron Silver. “The school has a zero-tolerance policy for items that are, or appear to be, any sort of timepiece, as it is possible that it could be an explosive.”

The school board says that Smith, who is in the ninth grade at Fryeburg High School, is a straight-A student, and enjoys art, English, and hitting on girls during gym class.

“He’s a typical white kid who happens to be a tad bit smarter than the other kids in his class,” said teacher Jeanne Curtis. “Obviously the kid has a knack for footwear, but I’m sorry – clocks, whether they are drawn, bought, built, or whatever, have no place in my classroom. It was only right that I call the police.”

A 14-year-old student in Texas was arrested recently after bringing a clock to school that he had “built,” although authorities knew right off it wasn’t a bomb, and was a just a hoax device. In that case, it was obvious to police and investigators that the family designed the entire event to spur racist arguments in the media and to gain attention for the family, who are known media hounds. Sadly, the news outlets nationwide weren’t bright enough to figure out the sad, lame attempt, and fed right into it.

“This situation is different than that Muslim kid in Texas,” said Silver. “This is a white kid in Maine. The fact that he’s white, though, shouldn’t matter, because he should know better. Maybe he thought because he was white he could get away with it, I don’t know. Either way, h was arrested and charged with reckless artistic abandon and criminal threatening. Thank God he’s a Christian. Maybe he can pray his way out of trouble.”

According to Silver, if convicted, Jacob Smith could face up to 24 hours in the jail.

Muslim Man Creating Long Lines At TSA Security Check Must be a Member of ISIS

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK, New York –

Reports emerging from one of the queues at JFK Airport suggest that the Muslim man responsible for the current delay must be a member of ISIS. Although no weapons, flags, or other indications of allegiance to a terror cell can be seen on him, he is being searched for the third time, with contents of his hand luggage being laid out on the desk after passing through the scanner with no clear problems.

“I’m almost certain I’ve seen his face before,” says Angela Mason, 45. “He must have been on the news or something. That big beard and turban do not cry innocence.”

Other commuters are less certain, but all acquiesce that he must prove his loyalty to America before he is allowed on their flight.

“I’m not saying he’s a terrorist or anything,” says businessman Wayne Parnell, 53. “But would you be comfortable sitting next to him on a plane? Nope, didn’t think so.”

Sources insist it’s only a matter of time before ISIS or another Islamic extremist group claims responsibility for the delay.

“Frankly, I’m surprised we haven’t heard anything from them as yet,” political analyst, Steven Rockstead. “Usually they’re quick to jump on the bandwagon, to increase their publicity and try to display their power. Here, however, no videos admitting guilt have been released online, which may just mean that this obvious terrorist must have something else lined up.”

As of press time, officials are allowing the ISIS member to board the plane, although without his shoes, turban, robe or underwear, where he may have been hiding some undetected weapon. His beard and hair have all been shaved off as well, in case he could be carrying a tiny knife in there.

Pope Francis Praises Attack Of Charlie Hebdo, Demands Retraction After Media Reports He ‘Condemned’ Act

Posted on January 11, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ROME, Italy –

Just moments after the celestial sky above gave way to sunrise above the sacred grounds of the Vatican this morning, Pope Francis has demanded a retraction from media outlets worldwide, after they mistakenly reported that the Pontiff ‘condemned’ the attacks on Paris’ Charlie Hebdo.

His Excellency issued a shocking statement of approval regarding the deadly terror attack on the French satirical newspaper that killed at least twenty-two people. The Vatican’s chief spokesman, the Reverend Federico Lombardi, shared the Pope’s written statement to the media this morning, asking all publications who wish to re-print it word-for-word.

Lombardi appeared ridden with anxiety, sweating profusely amongst the vast sea of media representatives and diplomats from around the globe, as he presented the Pope’s opinions on the vicious attacks.

“Religion shall not be immune to extreme criticism, but its opponents should use rational critique as opposed to mindless mockery in the form of so-called satire. Rational critique can be constructive, building foundations of faith, while senseless disrespectful mockery is detrimental to worldly community cohesion. Those who poke at the ribs of Christ shall face the ultimate consequence of their actions.

Charlie Hebdo deserved the onslaught of terror they have endured for mocking the son of God, as fate has proven. Those who take part in the belittling of Our One True religion will pay the ultimate price at the hands of any forces necessary, whether holy or evil, the work shall be done as a warning to all. This was not about harm at the hands of a vengeful people who worship Muhammad, a false prophet, but an act of a vengeful God, the God, who is tired of ridicule at the hands of the people.

The world has seen the wrath of God, and have learned something from this unfortunate, but inevitable, attack. This is our new world, based on the rules we have undeniably changed. The apocalyptic crusades have come to fruition.”

The statement resonated with apocalyptic-like sentiment, suggesting the Catholic Church’s approval of evil forces, such as the Muslim extremists who carried out the attack, to fight for the sake of belief against all non-believing propaganda, with the results benefiting the Catholic Church.

Pope Francis has been known as the most lenient and unconditionally loving pope in history. Some believe he had simply been playing the role of a master strategist, acting as a paper-tiger, while awaiting the birth of the apocalypse.

The decision to have spokesman Lombardi present the statement, as opposed to the Pope himself, who has not been seen publicly since its release, has ignited profound suspicions of conspiracy.