New Study Finds Eating Dried Seaweed Can Cure Diabetes

TOKYO, Japan –

Most of the nation is overweight or obese, and a good majority of Americans suffer from diabetes, but a new food study may help to combat the scourge of high blood sugar.

According to the Toyko Medical Journal, a diet consisting of dried, salted seaweed snacks can help to cure diabetes in patients who suffer from the disease. Dr. Hoy Mokato has been studying the effects of seaweed on diabetics for more than a decade, and has recently published his findings.

“Seaweed is plentiful and inexpensive, and high in iodine and other nutrients good for your diet,” said Mokato. “In a person with diabetes, eating nothing but dried seaweed has the effect of curing their ailment. It is a remarkable step in reversing the effects diabetics can suffer from.”

According to Mokato, a person who suffers from diabetes needs to eat a single serving of dried, salted seaweed every day – approximately 4oz – and nothing else.

“Eat one packet of seaweed, and drink 8 to 10 glasses of water a day,” said Mokato. “If you do this, and you eat and drink nothing else for 5 to 6 months, your body will rid itself of your diabetes. I have seen it happen in 100% of my patients, and it will work for everyone.”

Mokato plans to fully publish his results in the coming months.

LOS ANGELES, California –

Petite actress, Alison Brie, known for her roles in Mad Men and Community, has shocked Instagram followers by revealing her current figure – eighty pounds heavier than the last time she was seen. The photo was captioned, “Work I’ve gone to in prepping for new movie has payed [sic] off. Bigger is not always better!”

Brie will play an overweight former model in Get Hard an upcoming comedy about a businessman (played by Will Ferrell) who enlists a never-before jailed black man (Kevin Hart) to prepare him for life behind bars. Brie will only make a brief cameo appearance, in a flashback in which Ferrell’s character reminisces about the time he fucked a hideous fatso just to prove a point to his mother.

“Alison is very much a method actor and really committed to her work,” said former Mad Men co-star Elisabeth Moss, who herself gained sixty pounds for a plot point in season one of the hit series. “She usually plays annoying characters, and for years she’s been annoying the shit out of people in real life, so that when she’s on screen she can pull off the necessary squeals and anal retentiveness which have characterised her roles.”

Friends and family of Alison, however, indicated that her growth may not be as innocent as the little lady seems. Their gut feeling was that “she’s been comfort eating, ever since losing the fight against anorexia. It’s hard to watch, and especially hard to swallow – not that she has any problem with that.”

Joel Mchale, former Community co-star and acerbic host of E! Entertainment gossip show The Soup, used the platform to make fun of the usually tiny and delicate actress.

“Alison Brie seems to think she’s Jared Leto,” he drawled in his unsympathetic monotone. “Putting disproportionate effort into little (or in this case, not so little) roles in mediocre movies. Talking about disproportionate, have you seen the way the fat squeezes into that miniscule frame? Seriously, the Michelin Man should be worried about his job security.”