Netflix To Raise Pricing This Summer; Most Plans To Begin At $25 Per Month

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Netflix Files For Bankruptcy, Claims They Can't Compete With Piracy 'Industry'

SAN FRANSISCO, California – 

Netflix, which has long since become most people’s go-to source for home entertainment, says that they will be launching a price increase this summer, battling rival companies such as Hulu and Amazon, as well as cable providers for rich, new content.

“The problem that we’re facing is that we’re sinking hundreds of millions of dollars into buying some of these movies and TV series, and we’re just not bringing in new subscribers fast enough,” said Reed Hastings, CEO of Netflix. “When you spend millions of dollars to bring shit like Friends to Netflix, you hope that someone wants to watch it – then you remember it’s one of the worst shows to have ever been on television, and you realize that people aren’t rushing out in droves to spend money on nostalgia.”

The nostalgia comment has proven to be especially true lately, as ratings on Netflix for their shows bringing back 90s sitcoms, such as Fuller House have proven to be abysmal.

“We really wanted Fuller House to be the reason that people signed up for Netflix again, or came to us for the first time,” said Hastings. “We didn’t realize that, in the end, people just don’t care about Bob Saget. Thank God we still have House of Cards to fall back on.”

Hastings says that the company plans to have several tiers for streaming, much like now, but that the prices will fall “somewhere closer to $30” per account.

‘Roseanne’ Latest Show To Get Reboot On Netflix, Show To Be ‘Just As Trashy’ As Ever

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Despite horrendous reviews, Fuller House has been a monster hit this week for Netflix. So much so that the streaming service has announced that they have made a deal with everyone’s favorite trashy comedian, Roseanne Barr, to re-launch her extremely successful sitcom.

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“We are extremely happy that Roseanne will be returning to television, and the best thing is, it will be on our service, so it can be even raunchier and trashier than it was in the 80s and 90s,” said Netflix CEO Bill Hastings. “Roseanne is equally excited to bring back most of the cast of the original show, and catch everyone up on where the Connors have been these years.”

The show will take place in the present day, with Roseanne having her two daughters move back into the house where they all grew up, now complete with families of their own.

“It’s great, because the more people in the house, the trashier it will be,” said Roseanne. “We left the series on a really high note, but with a really heavy, down theme. At the time, it’s what I wanted. Now, though, I want to bring the light back. There’s some stuff I would have done differently, but in the end, this show will be so fucking great.”

Netflix Pulls Plug On Orange Is The New Black; The Reason Why May Shock You

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LOS GATOS, California –

In a bizarre turn of events, and just months after renewing the series for a fourth season, Netflix has reportedly announced that the critically acclaimed series Orange is the New Black has been cancelled.

“We regret to inform Netflix members that Orange is the New Black has been permanently cancelled,” said Netflix in a nationally published press release. “Additionally, starting October 1st, 2015, past episodes will no longer be available for streaming on our service. We apologize to fans of the show, but the time has come to say goodbye.”

The news is a shock to fans of the show, which is based on true events described in Piper Kerman’s memoir, Orange Is the New Black: My Year in a Women’s Prison, written about her experiences during her time in jail. The show was originally renewed for a fourth season in early April, before the third season had even been released.

According to inside sources, a Netflix programming manager insisted to that there be more male leads in the show. When Kohan put her foot down and refused to buy into the idea, Netflix management made known their displeasure with how the show represents women as being strong, forceful, and oftentimes, sexually charged and agressive.

“A woman’s place has always been in the home, in the kitchen, taking care of children, doing laundry, waiting for her man to come home,” said an anonymous source inside the Netflix production team. “Women in jail? Ugh. It’s like we took everything great about OZ, threw that out the window completely, and make this show with the crappy leftovers. There’s only guy one the show, and that is Jason Biggs. Jason Biggs. The guy who screwed a pie in one half-assed comedy 15 years ago. My God, he’s just horrible. How does anyone even watch this show in the first place?”

“There are just way too many damn stereotypes on this show, anyway,” said former writer for the show Jarissa Myers. “They forced us to write sassy Latinas, angry Russians, and bossy blonde bitches on a daily basis. How many times can we really see Taylor Schilling’s character Piper fall in and out of love with someone that is just abysmal for her? The show is just getting bad. It was time to pull the plug anyway.”

According to entertainment lawyer and Empire News correspondent Jeremy Downard, there is no chance for OITNB to take the show to a television network or another streaming service such as Hulu or Amazon Prime, due to the type of contract originally agreed upon between Kerman and Netflix.

Netflix Announces Ability To Stream Adult Movies Beginning In April

Netflix Announces Ability To Stream Adult Movies Beginning In April2222

 

LOS GATOS, California –

The massive movie streaming company Netflix is making a bold business decision, as they have decided to stream adult, erotic entertainment along with their slew of television shows and movies. The decision was made after executives began realizing that the market, although saturated on the web, was lacking on any streaming video service.

While the company has said previously that it was not their intent, Netflix did almost single-handedly take down video rental stores like Blockbuster, leaving consumers with a void for acquiring pornography.

“We are sorry-not-sorry that we killed the video stores across the country,” said Netflix CEO Gary Redbox. “Because we destroyed the way that a lot of consumers rented their porn, we have decided to replace that service by offering adult fare through our streaming service, in a new section called Netflixxx. From the comfort of ones own home, any customer of Netflix will be able to watch classic porn titles such as The Balls and The Beautiful, Schindler’s Fist, and How To Fuck A Mockingbird starring Gregory Pecker. These titles and more, at no extra streaming cost.”

While the pornography business is a billion dollar industry, even as most users find it free via the internet, several  people in the adult industry are saying that they feel this is a great idea, and that any way that people can see their finished product is better for their bottom line.

“We certainly make a lot of titles. Not all of them are classics like The Cockfather, but even our compilation pornos are really sexy,” said adult filmmaker Dick Hardson. “People don’t seem to realize this, but Netflix pays out millions upon millions of dollars to film studios for the rights to show their movies. Now, Netflix is going to have to pay the porno industry millions – which means we can make way more movies! Hell, it only takes about 6 or 7 hours from first scene to fully complete film, so with this kind of money, we can make hundreds of movies a week!”

Netflix says that they expect the pricing for the customers to stay the same, or possibly even be lowered, as thousands of new customers are anticipated to sign up once the list of available porn titles is released.

 

 

 

 

 

Netflix Files For Bankruptcy, Claims They Can’t Compete With Piracy ‘Industry’

LOS GATOS, California – Netflix Files For Bankruptcy, Claims They Can't Compete With Piracy 'Industry'

The company that almost single-handily took down Blockbuster and every Mom & Pop video store in the country is now on its way out the door as well. Netflix has announced that they have filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy, and will be shutting down most of their services by the end of the year. Having already mostly abandoned their original model of DVDs-By-Mail, the company says the amount of illegal downloads from peer-to-peer file sharing sites has put the final nail in the coffin for the once-powerhouse movie provider.

“When we started, this system was gold, but now people can get their content anywhere,” said Carl Kazaa, CEO of Netflix. “With the leak of The Expendables 3 a few weeks ago cutting massively into the profits of the film’s box office take, we realized that customers don’t care about 99% of the films we have streaming at all. They want new films, movies that aren’t even released to theatres yet. They can’t wait anymore. They just can’t wait. A subscriber will drop us the second they discover they can get a movie free from the bowels of the internet. Especially if it’s a film we don’t have available.”

The Expendables 3, the PG-13 action film starring Sylvester Stallone and Jason Statham, had a near-DVD quality copy of the movie leak to the internet almost a full month before the film hit theatres. The film has performed poorly at the box office in comparison to its previous films, and many studio insiders blame the leak, and illegal downloads and streams, for the poor ticket sales.

“We were charging such a low amount of money for our service, but spending hundreds of millions of dollars to get these old movies. I love films like Commando, The Stupids, and The Shaggy Dog, but people weren’t watching them,” said Netflix CFO Paul Bay. “We spent $40 million dollars to get the rights to stream all the Indiana Jones films, but people aren’t even watching those movies – and they’re classics! We should have just been a TV-streaming service. That’s where we make our money.”

Netflix had a small influx in subscribers after shows like House of Cards and Orange is the New Black caught people’s attention. The lower-budget, in-house productions made money for Netflix, because they weren’t having to buy the rights at a marked-up price from other companies.

“Sadly, even House of Cards is one of the most illegally downloaded shows on the internet right now,” said Kazaa. “If you search for ‘House of Cards+Torrent’ on Google, you get almost 3 million results. It’s sad that people would rather steal our content than just pay the $9.99 a month, but apparently that’s how it goes.”

The company plans to re-sell the streaming rights they have purchased to their films, with most contracts running out sometime in 2016, to other companies that offer similar services, including Hulu and Amazon.

“We are extremely excited to snag all of Netflix’s mediocre film and awesome TV content at a discounted rate,” said Tom Rent, marketing director at Amazon. “Piracy and illegal downloads haven’t hit us too hard, but again, we’re not a one-trick pony. We have all this media streaming, but we’re also the biggest online retailer on the planet, so we’re not hard-up for subscribers or anything.”

“With websites like ThePirateBay ‘releasing’ movies days, weeks, and occasionally months before they are available anywhere else, we just couldn’t keep competing,” said Kazaa. “It’s a sad truth. People want their content yesterday, and they can’t keep waiting for it. The binge-watching that we’ve created with shows has put people into a frenzy of ‘need it now,’ and they’ve proven that what they need isn’t necessarily something they want to pay for.”

 

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