‘Big Fat Fabulous Life’ TV Star Has Weight Loss Journey Sabotaged By TLC

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

One of the stars of the TLC TV series Big Fat Fabulous Life has come forward, saying that the cable channel completely sabotaged her weight loss goals by constantly providing her with food.

“I told producers I planned to lose weight. I was feeling horrible, fat, and unhealthy. Despite the title, being fat is not fabulous,” said Mary Lawrence, who weighed 297 pounds when she started filming the show. “I wanted to get down to around 165. I started talking to my doctors, and they were going to help. TLC seemed supportive, but then their wallets got the better of them.”

Lawrence, 28, says that TLC began sending her baskets of food, restaurant gift certificates, and they cancelled the personal trainer they said they’d help pay for.

“They really just wanted me to stay fat, because it is good for ratings if I’m huge,” said Lawrence. “I couldn’t help myself. When someone sends you a basket of cheeseburgers from In-and-Out, you have no choice but to devour them all. In one sitting. By yourself. While watching My 600lb Life.”

TLC representatives could not be reached for comment.

Congress To Enact Laws Forcing Everyone To Carry Life Insurance

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The government has already been forcing American citizens to carry a form of health insurance, despite rising costs and crippling debt that we’re all faced with. Now, Congress plans to enact a new law that would also force everyone to have a life insurance policy.

“This is really and truly for the benefit of the people, and will only help in the long run,” said Congressman Bill Knowles. “People are dying every single day, and no one can afford to bury them. They can’t afford the funeral costs, and they can’t afford the bills left behind. By forcing everyone to have life plans, it will alleviate a lot of headaches.”

The life insurance companies say they are “thrilled” by this news, as many of them had seen a drastic decrease in sign-ups over the last several years.

“We haven’t signed anyone up for a life plan in about 6 weeks,” said Raymond Booth, owner of a small life insurance company in Idaho. “We partner with some big names, but I just can’t get anyone interested. No one wants to think about dying, and they don’t care what kind of mess they leave behind for their family. Thanks to this bill, though, I’m going to be rolling in it very soon!”

The bill is set to be voted on after winter break, when Congress resumes on January 20th.

Carrie Fisher’s Ghost Reportedly Spotted On Hollywood Boulevard

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Star Wars fans have been hanging around Hollywood Boulevard for the last two days, after a man says he saw Carrie Fisher’s ghost hanging around downtown.

“It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Mario Lewis, who is on vacation from Idaho. “There was this gorgeous woman, and she was dressed as Princess Leia from the Star Wars movies. I walked over to her and my eyes just bugged out. It was Princess Leia! It was the ghost of Carrie Fisher, and it made my life seeing that.”

Although so far no one else has seen Ms. Fisher’s ghost appear in Hollywood – or anywhere else – a rabid fanbase of Star Wars nerds have been wandering all over Hollywood, hoping to catch a glimpse.

A homeless woman, Marlene Simmons, who has lived in Hollywood her whole life, says that the tourist is just an idiot.

“There’s no damn ghost here. Never was of any other celebrity, sure as shit wouldn’t be of Carrie Fisher, neither,” said Simmons. “That damn fool just got confused because there are always people out here on the Boulevard, dressed up as characters from movies and what not. Dumbass saw a woman dressed like Princess whoever, got himself all riled up. Now get yo’ ass out my face. You’re standing in my bathroom.”

Teen Who Was a Loser in High School Now Pretentious College Student

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

Michael Lester was a total loser in high school. He had no friends, and no girls would speak to him. After graduation last June, he wasn’t invited to any parties. But thankfully for Lester, he got into a college out of state.

“Oh man, fuck those kids in my high school, they were losers themselves,” said Lester, who now goes by Mike. “I moved out here to Boise, man, and I turned my whole life around. I am going to be better than all of them. I got good grades before, but now I’m going to get a 4.0 in being awesome.”

Mike says that he liked the idea of going to a school out of state so he could be “whoever he wanted to be,” and he made that a reality.

“I used to sit at home at night and play D&D by myself,” said Mike. “Now I go out, I party, I hang out with girls. They think I was some big jock in high school, which is totally hilarious. Yeah, I’m pretty badass now. Everyone loves me.”

Pandas Will Go Extinct Within The Next Few Months, Study Finds

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Researchers at the Washington, D.C. House of Agriculture and Animal Affairs say that they expect Pandas will become extinct within the next few months, probably by June of 2017.

“We actually had no idea that pandas were really that rare, because we see pictures of them online all the time,” said HAAA chairman Joel Bornstein. “We thought they were doing pretty good out in the wild, but apparently not. There’s only a couple left.”

The HAAA says they are trying “really hard” to get a couple of pandas to “do their thing” and make some more panda babies, but they’re having a really hard time.

“We got two of the 17 pandas left in the world, and we have been doing everything to get them to have sexy time, but it’s just not working,” said Bornstein. “We’ve tried calming music, chocolates, wine…we even let them watch porn. Nothing has worked.”

The HAAA says that they hope that they can save the population of pandas before it’s too late, but they don’t hold out much hope.

Comcast Announces Massive Price Hike For Cable, Customers Aren’t Surprised

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Comcast, one of the nation’s largest cable companies, says that their annual price increase will take effect on January 1st, and customers can expect to see rates jump by nearly 400%.

Mark Lemon, who has Comcast internet but not cable, says he isn’t at all surprised.

“I used to pay about $100 a month for cable and internet,” said Lemon. “It really wasn’t horrible. Then last year, they upped that price to nearly $300 for the same package, so I cut down to just internet, and I bootleg everything I want to watch from TV. Works great!”

Comcast says that people like Lemon are to blame for the price increases.

“If everyone just came back to cable, and stopped cutting the cord, and stopped illegally downloading movies and shows, we could lower the cost again. I mean we could – we definitely wouldn’t, but we could,” said Comcast spokesman Derek Jones. “But, because we’re down to only a couple of people who have cable packages, we really need to hike this price up to make a profit.”

Jones says that customer who normally pay around $75-$100 a month for just cable should see those prices hit somewhere around $400-$600, depending on their chosen package.

Walmart Says That 50% of Items Bought as Christmas Gifts Were Returned

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Walmart recently released information stating that for every gift purchase that was made through the holiday season, over 50% of the items were brought back to the store.

“People try really, really hard to make their loved ones happy, but as it turns out, most people don’t know crap from Crisco when it comes to presents, and they’d have been better off buying a gift card. All those presents? Yeah, the come right back,” said Walmart spokesman Mario Deluth.

All the returns cause massive headaches for Walmart, the world’s largest retailer, because most of the products cannot be re-sold.

“We get boxes in that have been crushed, pissed on, items broke – you name it, we see it,” said Deluth. “Fact of the matter is, we take a loss on all those presents you buy unnecessarily, so if you wouldn’t mind, next time, just get a gift card or something.”

Clinton Campaign Staffer Says Hillary Tried To ‘Sell Her Soul’ To Win, Turns Out She Doesn’t Have Soul

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A former Clinton campaign staffer has come forward, claiming that Hillary Clinton literally tried to make a deal with the devil during the campaign, but it failed miserably.

“She had me on the phone for hours so that I could get in touch with Mr. Satan,” said the staffer. “I was able to reach him, finally, after many calls and call-backs. You’d be amazed how hard it is to get in touch with the Devil. Anyway, we arranged a meeting between The Dark One and Hillary.”

The anonymous staffer claims, though, that once the meeting was set and Satan showed up with the contract, the terms could not be met.

“Naturally, Satan wanted Hillary’s soul in exchange for the presidency, but as it turns out, Clinton doesn’t have a soul to begin with,” said the staffer. “Needless to say, Beelzebub was not very happy about making such a long trip for nothing, and vowed that she would never win. Turns out he was right.”

Satan could not be reached for comment about the deal.

Scientist Officially Proves That Global Warming is a Hoax

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Chester Miller, who has been studying the effects of global warming for nearly 20 years, says that he has finally found conclusive proof that the phenomenon is completely and totally bogus.

“I have been looking into the effects of global warming, and can conclusively say that the world is not warmer at all,” said Miller. “I had been waiting and waiting for this discovery, and it came to me earlier this week. It was a true moment of glory for all of science.”

Miller says that during the night between Thursday and Friday, his town of Concord, New Hampshire received a massive amount of snow – over a foot in just a few hours. This, he says, is proof that the world is not getting warmer.

“If global warming were real, then how come we got 14″ of snow the other night?” asked Miller. “I assume you all understand that in order for it to snow, it has to be cold. And in order for it to snow THAT MUCH in that amount of time, well – it has to be very cold. I believe I can rest my case.”

Doctor Says That ‘Fat Is The New Skinny’

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

For as long as anyone can remember, doctors have said that being skinny was the only way one could be “truly” healthy. According to one doctor out of Boston, though, that’s just not the case.

In a study conducted over the last 5 years, Dr. Carl Bernstain has concluded that the fatter a person is, the more likely they are to live longer and have overall better health.

“It seems counterintuitive to everything medical doctors have always said, but it’s really very simple,” said Dr. Bernstain. “Basically, when someone is tremendously fat, their organs are protected by layers and layers of thick, slippery, fatty cells. These cells keep everything internal running smoothly. Most of my patients over 400lbs have been living decades longer than their previous doctors had told them, all because of my discoveries.”

Dr. Bernstain says that although being skinny may make it easier for people to do more “active” things, being active isn’t always the most healthy thing, either.

“My patients, they can’t always walk on their own, and they do have to have someone to help them make it to the bathroom or shower properly, but they’ll live long lives, and longevity is the most important thing,” said Dr. Bernstain. “Yes, skinny people can go outside and be active. They may even find attractive mates and live into their 60s, but really, is that what life is all about?”

Dr. Bernstain himself weighs a paltry 196 pounds, but says he does plan to “bulk up” so he can continue to practice medicine for “as long as possible.”