Scientist Officially Proves That Global Warming is a Hoax

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Chester Miller, who has been studying the effects of global warming for nearly 20 years, says that he has finally found conclusive proof that the phenomenon is completely and totally bogus.

“I have been looking into the effects of global warming, and can conclusively say that the world is not warmer at all,” said Miller. “I had been waiting and waiting for this discovery, and it came to me earlier this week. It was a true moment of glory for all of science.”

Miller says that during the night between Thursday and Friday, his town of Concord, New Hampshire received a massive amount of snow – over a foot in just a few hours. This, he says, is proof that the world is not getting warmer.

“If global warming were real, then how come we got 14″ of snow the other night?” asked Miller. “I assume you all understand that in order for it to snow, it has to be cold. And in order for it to snow THAT MUCH in that amount of time, well – it has to be very cold. I believe I can rest my case.”

Doctor Says That ‘Fat Is The New Skinny’

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

For as long as anyone can remember, doctors have said that being skinny was the only way one could be “truly” healthy. According to one doctor out of Boston, though, that’s just not the case.

In a study conducted over the last 5 years, Dr. Carl Bernstain has concluded that the fatter a person is, the more likely they are to live longer and have overall better health.

“It seems counterintuitive to everything medical doctors have always said, but it’s really very simple,” said Dr. Bernstain. “Basically, when someone is tremendously fat, their organs are protected by layers and layers of thick, slippery, fatty cells. These cells keep everything internal running smoothly. Most of my patients over 400lbs have been living decades longer than their previous doctors had told them, all because of my discoveries.”

Dr. Bernstain says that although being skinny may make it easier for people to do more “active” things, being active isn’t always the most healthy thing, either.

“My patients, they can’t always walk on their own, and they do have to have someone to help them make it to the bathroom or shower properly, but they’ll live long lives, and longevity is the most important thing,” said Dr. Bernstain. “Yes, skinny people can go outside and be active. They may even find attractive mates and live into their 60s, but really, is that what life is all about?”

Dr. Bernstain himself weighs a paltry 196 pounds, but says he does plan to “bulk up” so he can continue to practice medicine for “as long as possible.”

Psychiatrist Says That He Has Discovered ‘Cure’ For Depression

Posted on October 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A psychiatrist in Boston says that he has found the perfect cure for clinical depression, and it will get many people off their lifelong medications.

“I have discovered that the cure is quite simple,” said Dr. Marvin Leroy, of Boston. “When I have a patient come in and tell me they’re feeling depressed, I simply tell them to cheer up, and stop being such a Debby-Downer. As of right now, I have a 100% success rate, as not a single patient of mine returns for a follow-up visit.”

Dr. Leroy says he plans to publish his findings in the next Harvard Medical Journal, which is published bi-yearly.

Man Who Died In Haunted House Not Discovered For Weeks – Everyone Thought He Was ‘Very Realistic Prop’

Posted on October 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

An elderly man who died while visiting a New Hampshire haunted house almost a month ago was not discovered until last night, after a young child was brave enough to walk up and touch what he thought was a dummy.

“Brian was trying to be brave, because we told him the house was just in fun, no one was really dead and it wasn’t real scary stuff, just pretend,” said Maria Downs who, along with her husband Michael, were taking their 7-year-old son to his first haunted house. “He saw the man in the corner. We thought it was a dummy, so we laughed. Brian bravely walked over to touch it, so he could see for himself that it wasn’t real. As soon as he put his hand on him, Brian turned and ran out of the house screaming.”

When the Downs family took a closer look, they realized that their son had just touched an actual dead body.

According to police, Phil Richards, 80, had gone through the house by himself during early October, and had apparently died of a heart attack.

“No one realized, because he looked kind of plastic and fake,” said police chief Mario Jones. “The owners never saw it; they didn’t go through the house themselves as they were too busy working the front, and the guests all thought the smell was from the fog machines pouring through.”

The owners say that they will be “more vigilant” in checking for dead bodies next year, but they are planning on offering a discount on Halloween night to anyone who wants to go through their haunt and see where the body was.

POLL: 98% Of Hillary Voters Are Lying, Too Embarrassed To Admit They Support Trump

Posted on October 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to a recent, anonymous poll, nearly all of Hillary Clinton’s supporters are actually in favor of Trump being the next president, but are to embarrassed to admit it.

“We have found that, when people know their answers will be kept confidential, that they admit to voting early for Trump, or that they plan to vote for him,” said Mark Domino, who conducted the poll of over 25,000 people personally over the last 6 months. “Based on my calculations, the number of Hillary supporters who ACTUALLY wants her to win is only about 2%.”

To back up his research, Domino recorded every single response, blurring out the faces and changing the voices of the people he spoke to.

“I absolutely want Trump to win, but I can’t say that publicly. I’d be shamed out of my job, maybe out of my marriage. I’d lose everything,” said a man in Duluth, Mississippi.”I’d never vote for someone like Hillary, who lets people die and does nothing, then denies it. It’s disgusting.”

According to Domino, the answers from people are relatively the same no matter where he went.

“People want Trump – in a landslide,” said Domino. “This information might actually help some of these people to be able to come out in support of Trump, since they now know EVERYONE wants him, and they’re not alone, nor are they deplorable.”

Mt. Dew Proves To Be ‘Extremely Good’ For Premature Babies

Posted on October 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Doctors in Atlanta and Marshall Research Hospital have discovered that PepsiCo.’s product, Mt. Dew, is “extremely good” for babies, with 8 out of 10 premature infants in the study reacting positively to heavy doses of the soda, including quicker growth spurts, quicker time removed from respirators, as well as teaching them how to “suck, swallow, and breathe” faster.

“Most premature babies cannot suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time, which is why they spend months in hospitals, learning how to eat and drink without choking,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “When we switched their normal formula, which is fed through a tube for most preemies, to Mt. Dew, we saw excellent and noticeable improvement within days.”

Of the 1,000 premature babies that were studied, Dr. Brown says that they had a “100% survival rate,” with 85% of the babies going home before their due date, which is unheard of in standard medical practice.

“We are looking at how Mt. Dew has helped these babies, and the reasoning behind it,” said Brown. “We may also start to try other drinks as well, such as RedBull, to see the effects there. We have high hopes.”

Trump Says When He Wins Election He’ll Continue Living In Trump Tower, Open White House To Area Homeless

Posted on October 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump says that ‘when’ he wins the election next week, he plans to not move into the White House, and instead will reside at Trump Tower in New York, and allow D.C. area homeless to occupy the White House.

“This is a huge deal for them, and will guarantee a safe place for these people to live for the next four years,” said Trump. “And, considering how much time I will need to fix the mistakes of the current President, it’s likely that the people chosen can live in the White House for 8 years.”

Trump says that of the 156 rooms in the White House, he will have 150 of them “transformed” into full, tiny studio apartments – at his own expense.

“There is plenty of room in most of these massive rooms at the White House to make small studio apartments. A toilet, a sink, a refrigerator, and a bed – I’ll pay for all the remodels, and we can really start to clean up the D.C. homeless problem.”

Parents Die After Not Checking Child’s Halloween Candy For Poison, Eating It Themselves

Posted on October 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GARDINER, Georgia –

A couple who ate some of their child’s Halloween candy without checking first to see if it had been tampered with died after they both ate chocolates that had been injected with rat poison.

Mary and George Richards, both 33, of Gardiner, Georgia, took their 4-year-old son, Michael, out trick or treating on Monday evening, and when they arrived home at around 8PM, they sent Michael to bed.

According to their Facebook page, they were planning on sneaking some of Michael’s candy, and had a status saying that they “hoped he wouldn’t notice.”

“Michael got so much candy tonight, I think George and I are going to take a bunch for ourselves,” read Mary’s status. “Isn’t that what Halloween is all about?”

Police say the two were discovered dead only 45 minutes later, when a neighbor came by to hang out.

“It was gruesome,” said the neighbor. “They were both bloated and foaming at the mouth. I called 911, but it was too late.”

Despite urban legends to the contrary, this is the first case of Halloween candy poisoning in all of recorded history that wasn’t perpetrated by a friend or family member of the victim.

House That Normally Gives Drugs On Halloween Disappoints Families By Only Giving Candy

Posted on October 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

You always hear about it on the news, but you never knew where it was. As it turns out, the answer to the question of “where is that house that always gives drugs to kids on Halloween?” is: Atlanta, Georgia. Except, not anymore. The one house in the nation that always could be counted on to give hardcore, expensive, mind-altering drugs to you children has decided that they need to clean up their act.

“We normally give really cool ecstasy tabs or MDMA pills or, really, whatever we have on hand,” said the homeowner, who would rather not be named publicly. “We have had kids, and parents, of course, lining up around the block before. We’re all about giving back to the community, but we really couldn’t afford it this year. It normally runs us about a quarter of a million to hand that stuff out on Halloween, and with the cost of living increases, Obamacare premiums, and gas prices, we just can’t handle it.”

The owners have said that they plan to just give candy this year, but to appease some angry kids and their uptight parents, they have decided they will give full-sized chocolate bars, and not minis.

Trump Challenges Hillary To Game of HORSE To See Who Wins Election

Posted on October 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has said that, in order to give Hillary a “fair chance” at winning after his “super-yuge” lead in the polls, he would allow Hillary to play him in a game of HORSE to decide the winner of the election.

“I’m quite sure that I will win the election based on votes, and I don’t think it’s even fair to Hillary at this point,” said Trump. “I’m all about fair play. I love women. I respect women, and I respect Hillary. No one has more respect for Hillary than me. And with that respect comes the great admiration that always comes with respect. It with that admiration comes challenge, and with challenge comes sports, and basically, I think we should play a game of HORSE to decide the election, voting be damned.”

Hillary Clinton has not responded directly to the Trump challenge, but staffers on her campaign have said that she has been practicing her layups and 3-point shots in anticipation of a “hell of a game.”