Police Shoot 5-Year-Old Black Child At His Birthday Party

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

A noise complaint turned deadly, when officers gunned down an unarmed 5 year old at his own birthday party. The boy’s family says race must have been a factor, as they can not see any other explanation for the tragedy.

Police say they received a complaint about children laughing and playing “too loudly.”

“The older children- we’d had a chance to teach them when police say ‘get on the ground’ you get on the ground, whether you’re doing anything wrong or not,” said the toddler’s mother. “He was waiving his little red fire truck in the air. They told him to put it down but he just laughed. He thought they were playing. That’s when they opened fire.”

The toddler, whose name is not being released, was shot 16 times.

“I want to tell all the parents out there of dark skinned children, no matter how safe you’re neighborhood is, no matter how clean the police record is in your city, this could happen to you. These days your children are ten times more likely to die in a race-related shooting than in a housefire. Fire drills are important, but police drills – they might save your child’s life.”

Naturally, the white cop who fired the fatal shot is out on paid leave, and is not expected to face any repercussions.

Group Takes ‘Scared Straight’ To Next Level; Cuts Heroin With Dangerous Drug

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Heroin overdoses are on the rise, but not just because the drug is lethal in itself. A new report claims the heroin that caused more that 600 overdoses across the country in less than two days was cut with something else.

These batches of heroin which were distributed from California To Maine have killed an 75% of those who used the drug. It allegedly contained a new opiod analog 100 times more potent than fentanyl and 10,000 times stronger than morphine.

According to an anonymous spokeperson, who represents the group Friends Against Smack (FAS), the heroin was cut with carfentanil, more commonly known as elephant tranquilizer. The drug is strong enough to kill a 15,000 lb elephanit, rhinocerous, or hippopotamus.

“We have infiltrated numerous cartels responsible for the distribution of heroin. We want addicts to know that the smack they are buying very well could be their last, and advise them to seek treatment before it’s too late. Addicts are already overdosing at an alarming rate. More than half of those that end up in the hospital shoot up within hours of discharge. We want to give them incentive to change. If seeing their drug buddies die doesn’t scare them straight, nothing will, and there’s no sense wasting another dollar or treatment.”

Authorities have not officially confirmed that the overdoses are due to heroin cut with with carfentanil. Other options include fentanyl or rat poison.

Black Lives Matter Group Sued For Being Racist, Not Allowing White Members

Posted on July 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A group of angry white people have filed a motion in the Supreme Court to have the Black Lives Matter movement disbanded, labelling them a hate group who stops white members from joining. The group of individuals, who at this point have not released their names, are also suing the Black Lives Matter group for an undisclosed sum.

“We are tired of being marginalized and held back because of the color of our skin,” read a statement released from the group of white, Christian men. “We wanted to help and to spread the word of the Black Lives Matter movement, but they have held us back from joining at every cost. They are not about love. They are about hate and discrimination.”

A Supreme Court judge will hear the full case on Tuesday, and is expected to determine the merits.

A formal statement from the Black Lives Matter group was received too late to include in this publishing.

Justin Bieber Says He Is Beginning His Training For Professional MMA Debut

Posted on July 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Pop singer Justin Bieber says that he has secured a team of professional fighters and trainers to work with him on what he says is his “next career move,” a trip to the professional MMA ring.

Bieber, who is best known for making music that most people can’t stand, is in good shape for a 22-year-old, although he has been known to be a heavy drinker and weed smoker.

“I want to get healthier, I want to be leaner, and I want to show the world that I can kick someone’s ass,” said Bieber. “I am working with some of the top fighters in the world, and I will be ready to go by this time next year.”

Bieber’s management team says that they have signed a deal with UFC for him to debut in their cruiserweight division, although at this time, no opponent has been set.

“I really want to fight CM Punk,” said Bieber. “I was a big fan of his before he became a tool and left wrestling, and I really think I can take him.”

Gary Johnson Says He’ll Give Everyone Who Votes For Him $100

Posted on July 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In what he says is his way of “giving back,” Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson says that for anyone who can prove that they vote for him in the general election, he will personally send them $100.

“People have been giving candidates money for years, and for all but one guy, that money is wasted, because they don’t win,” said Johnson. “Now, I want to be able to give some back. Whether I am elected or not, if you vote for me, I will mail you a $100 bill.”

Johnson says that he is challenging Donald Trump to do the same thing, and wants him to take it a step further.

“Donald Trump is a pussy, so I know he will never do this,” said Johnson. “But that guy is supposedly a billionaire, so I think he should give every one of his voters $500. He could, supposedly, afford it, and you know what, it would make him look like less of a pussy in my eyes.”

Marilyn Manson Has Surgery To Replace Ribs, Says He’s Done Sucking His Own Penis

Posted on July 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

If you don’t know anything about shock-rocker Marilyn Manson, you at least have probably heard two things – one, he is responsible for the shootings at Columbine High School, and two, he had two of his lower ribs removed so that he could give himself oral sex.

A surgeon in Los Angeles has said that the rock star, now 47, approached him last year to have the ribs replaced, claiming that he “no longer needs to suck his own dick.”

“A few weeks ago, I performed surgery on Mr. Manson and replaced his two lower, removed ribs with new, stainless, surgical steel ribs,” said the surgeon, who wishes to remain anonymous. “This is an easy procedure, and Mr. Manson was able to be in and out of the hospital in one, quick overnight stay.”

The surgeon says that Manson will be slightly sore, but should not have difficulties performing.

Manson himself said that he is glad to have his ribs back, and he wishes he never removed them in the first place.

“I feel whole again, and it’s a great feeling,” said Manson. “I came up with the idea of removing them while I was high, and since I’ve been sober for awhile, I realized that sucking my own dick is overrated, and I wanted to have the ribs replaced. Now I can get back to more important things, like focusing on making my new record, which is basically like sucking my own dick anyway.”

World’s Biggest Baby Born At 73 Pounds

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEIJING, China –

The world’s largest baby was born yesterday morning in Beijing, and it weighed in at a whopping 73 pounds!

“It was incredible to see, really,” said Dr. Miamoto, who delivered the child. “I’ve never seen a vagina stretch that far before. There was more tearing and ripping and blood than you can imagine.”

Dr. Miamoto says that, sadly, giving birth killed both of the parents, and that the child will be given over to the government.

“Naturally, being Chinese, the mother was not very large at all, and her entire organs prolapsed through her vagina and anus during delivery. Her husband, an American businessman, weighed nearly 400lbs,” said Miamoto. “He died of a heart attack at seeing the size of his baby. So even though they will never know this baby, they are probably looking down from Heaven, very happy that their baby is a Guinness record holder.”

Man Looses Over 400 Pounds Eating Nothing But Sticks Of Butter

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

27-year-old Martin O’Shea lost his parents when he was very young, and grew up in foster care. This, he says, lead to a lifetime of overeating, to the point that on his 24th birthday, he weighed nearly 550 pounds.

“I knew I needed to do something, or I was going to die,” said O’Shea.

Against the better judgement and direction of his doctors, O’Shea said he took to the internet to find remedies for quick weight loss, and tried several over a 2-year period.

“I did Atkins. Paleo. I was a vegetarian. I was exercising as much as I could, and nothing worked,” said O’Shea. “Then I discovered the Blue Bonnet diet.”

O’Shea said he began eating nothing but sticks of butter, sometimes eating as many as 12 or 13 a day, and drinking large gallons of whole milk.

“It worked unbelievably, and here I am, only 12 short months later. I’ve had skin removal surgery and I started being able to go to the gym to tone up, but I’ve lost 390 pounds on the BB diet. All I eat is butter, still. It works amazingly.”

O’Shea has said that he often has fits of vomiting and has to wear a diaper thanks to “loose bowels,” but it’s all worth it to look and feel like “a human being” again.

Olympic Swimmer Contracts Deadly Malaria Virus While Practicing For Events In Rio

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RIO, Brazil –

A U.S. Olympic swimmer, Mick Jones, has reportedly contracted malaria while practicing for his events in Rio, swimming in public, open water.

“It is with great sadness that we report that Mr. Jones will not be able to compete at this year’s olympic games,” said chairman Richard Downs. “He is a champion competitor, and we wish him all the best in his recovery.”

The Olympic Committee was warned of hosting the games in Rio, which is rife with crime and has some of the most polluted waters in the world.

“We wanted to host it somewhere new and exciting, and even though their environment, their economy, and their people cannot handle the influx, we decided to go on with the ceremony anyway,” said Downs. “I believe that this event is isolated, and we will do whatever we can to make sure that the athletes are safe.

Pope Francis Says Pokemon Go Is ‘Devil’s Tool’ To Bring Children To Satan

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN, Rome –

Pope Francis says that the world-wide phenomenon that is Pokemon Go is really a Devil’s tool to bring children and teens over to the “dark side” of Satan.

“Games that progress the mind are a wonderful tool to God,” said Francis. “Some games, though, were created by The Devil himself, to lure unsuspecting souls to a darker place. Pokemon Go is, I believe, the most Satanic game in history.”

Francis says that the reason that the game is so popular is that technology has replaced actual friendships, but that the exercise that children are getting as they walk around, looking for digital creatures, is only going to lead to destruction.

“Yes, children are leaving their homes, they are being active, but they are not paying attention to their surroundings, and soon they will be snatched by predators who want to touch them, and hurt them,” said Francis. “I myself was almost hit by a car while trying to catch a Mr. Mime, and that was when I knew that this game was going to be the end of civilization as we know it.”