Blake Griffin Smacks Justin Bieber At Hollywood Starbucks

Posted on October 5, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

WEST HOLLYWOOD, California –

Justin Bieber simply can’t seem to keep himself out of trouble.

Police were dispatched this morning to respond to an altercation at a Starbucks in West Hollywood involving some familiar faces. According to police reports, a barista at the coffee-house was apparently confronted by Bieber when he refused to serve the pop star because Bieber wasn’t wearing a shirt.

“He came in with no shirt on, and his pants hanging down and underwear showing. He tried to order a caramel apple macchiato,” said Joey Goldsmith, the Starbucks barista. “I know that it’s Hollywood, and we get some crazy looking folks in here. Celebrities, too. They all wear shirts, though. I simply informed Bieber that our store policy stated he would have to put a shirt on if he wanted to order. Everyone else in the place had a shirt on. Why the hell doesn’t Bieber ever have a shirt on, anyway?”

Customers in the coffee-house say that Bieber snapped, and according to the police report, started swearing at and threatening Goldsmith, saying that he would get his bodyguard to ‘kick [Goldsmith’s] ass’ and to just ‘give [me] a f—— macchiato.”

Fortunately for Goldsmith, LA Clippers star Blake Griffin, who had been enjoying a drink at a nearby table and was witness to the altercation, decided to step in.

Patrons and employees at the scene reported that Griffin tried to calm Bieber down by simply talking to him, but that he wasn’t listening, apparently not even aware of who Griffin was, and mistakenly thinking he was fully protected by his bodyguards and friends. There was more yelling, and Bieber ended up pushing Griffin, telling him to ‘back off.’ Many people in the Starbucks commented, barely able to stifle their laughter, that after Bieber started shoving Griffin is when he smacked Bieber in the face, knocking him to the floor.

“He smacked the s— out of him, and Bieber went down like a sack of moldy tangerines,” said one witness. “Before anyone could think to whip out their cell phones and film it for YouTube, Justin’s entourage scooped him up and helped him stumble out of the door. I think he was crying. They threw a sweatshirt or something on him and literally stuffed him into the back of a car. It was kind of sad and pathetic, just like his music.”

Bieber was gone before police arrived at the scene, and no charges were brought against Griffin. His Starbucks coffee was on the house.

CBS Orders New Reality Show; ‘Survivor: Ebola’ To Air Early 2015

Posted on October 3, 2014 by Andrew Husband

DALLAS, Texas –

Ahead of a press conference scheduled for next week, CBS Television today announced a half-season order of the hit show Survivor, this time to take place in the United States, and being released as Survivor: Ebola. Jeff Probst, host of the Survivor series since its original premiere in 2000, will return after completing experimental treatments at an Atlanta hospital. As it has in the past, CBS generally orders half-seasons of its successful reality television offerings instead of full ones. That way, the network can better organize its fall, spring, and summer schedules.

The order comes as no surprise to industry experts, but the change of location does. “No season of Survivor has ever been shot stateside,” notes critic Tevi Guyd. “And with the new iterations enhanced sense of danger, it’s a bold move by the network and the production company to move to a local location, especially Texas.” Filming has already been underway for sometime in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, including recently publicized location shoots at a Dallas hospital.

When the fall television season gets underway, the major networks program new shows and axe old ones almost as fast as an apocalyptic contagion. “Good thing the new series spread as quickly as it did last year,” says executive producer Mark Burnett. “Within mere days, our Nielsen ratings went through the roof! It was as if you’d stuck a thermometer in someone’s mouth, and they had a fever, and the mercury broke the glass. Like in one of the old cartoons.”

“Our numbers were higher than they’d ever been in the last ten years,” says Probst from behind a CDC quarantine in Dallas. “We were worried that, with ratings plummeting and advertisers bailing on us, we were dead in the water. We weren’t sure if the show had run its course, or if audiences had become immune to us. All this recent success is due to Mark’s ingenuity.”

“He’s being too nice,” says Burnett. “Jeff is a hell of a guy, and a world-class reality show host. I can’t think of anyone else we’d rather risk sacrificing to this new Ebola epidemic than him.” All gesturing aside, Survivor: Ebola owes its infectious popularity to Burnett’s quick thinking. Inspired by local news report from Guinea in late 2013, the television mogul sent a crew to scout the west African country for leads. When all except one of the party’s members made it back to New York unscathed by the trip and was cleared by the CDC, Burnett knew he had a hit in the making. “I simply did what anyone else in my profession would do,” he finally admits. “I pounced.” And pounce he did.

Like its predecessors, Survivor: Ebola pits 16 contestants against each other in a two-tribe format, and against one another in a “survival of the fittest” mentality. Not only will they be fighting against one another and the threat of infection, but they will also be dealing with their ill-conceived notions of Ebola. The only contestant to have any medical experience is Dr. Casey Schuler of Houston, Texas.

“I can’t believe all the action happening for this season we’re shooting now,” Probst says. “Fans of both Survivor and the Ebola virus itself are going to be getting a special treat come next year!”

Survivor: Ebola is set to air in January on CBS.

Chubby Checker Breaks Hip Performing ‘Twist’ Dance He Made Famous

Posted on September 26, 2014 by DvanL

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey –

“Come on baby, let’s do the twist!” was a song lyric blazing out of millions of radios after singer Chubby Checker introduced the song in 1960.

When Checker, born Ernest Evans, introduced the song on The Dick Clark Show it began a national dance craze. Clark called it “the hottest dance sensation in the last 4 years.”

Last week in Atlantic City, while demonstrating the dance he helped create, Checker, now 72, violently twisted his body while onstage, tumbling over into the orchestra pit.

“It was worse than what it looked like,” said Checker, from his hometown in Philadelphia. “I’ve done this dance literally a million times – maybe more,” he said. “It could have been something on the floor, or the way the lights were reflecting – I don’t know. I was starting to turn after doing a couple of twists and BOOM, down I went, right on top of the conductor. First time in over 50 years I’ve ever twisted myself into injury!”

Checker takes part in 30 or 40 ‘oldies’ shows a year. “I used to do more, but I think 40 is enough these days.”

The busy singer also has appeared in several touring productions of the musical Grease.

Most people mistakenly believe that Checker wrote the song, but his version was actually a cover of the 1959 Hank Ballard and the Midnighters’ R&B version.

“I don’t know what it was that made my cover go worldwide,” said Checker. “I think it was being at the right place at the right time, and plus the dance. The dance though, that was all mine.”

Checker’s version of “The Twist” has the distinction of charting twice on the Billboard charts: initially, in September 1960 where it remained for 18 weeks, then again in November 1961, where it was ranked among the top 100 for 21 weeks.

In between the Billboard listings, Checker recorded a follow-up, “The Hucklebuck” which made it to number 14. Fans of The Honeymooners remember Art Carney’s Ed Norton demonstrating the dance to Jackie Gleason’s Ralph Kramden in the Season 5 episode “Young At Heart.”

Checker plans to get back on the road after the holidays.

“Maybe this is a way for ‘The Big Man Upstairs’ to tell me to take a break,” he said. “But I’ll be back. I’ve still got a few thousand twists left!”

Looney Toons ‘Superfan’ Injured by Anvil

Posted on September 26, 2014 by DvanL

WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia –

Anyone who’s seen a Road Runner cartoon knows the anvil gag – a heavy iron block used by blacksmiths somehow makes its way into nearly every cartoon, usually winding up in the hands or landing on the head of Wile E. Coyote, the Road Runner’s nemesis.

Life was not all ‘Merrie Melodies’ recently, though, for self-proclaimed ‘Looney Tunes Superfan’ Derek Whatley, 47, when he found himself with a broken leg while visiting a blacksmith’s shop in historic Colonial Williamsburg.

“We went down ‘Olde Main Street,’” said Whatley, “and stopped by the blacksmith’s to see how tools were made way-back-when.”

The Whatley family decided to spend a day at Colonial Williamsburg at the start of a cross-country trip.

“We saw a crowd in front of one of the storefronts,” said Derek’s wife, Susan. We went up and saw a demonstration by a blacksmith. It was fascinating! I made sure the twins, Elmer and Sylvester, got up close for a good look.”

The Whatley’s twins are 13, and blame themselves for what happened next.

“The blacksmith asked if anyone would like to experience what it was like to work in a blacksmith’s shop in the old days,” explained Elmer. “My dad’s always into new adventures, so we volunteered him.”

Whatley was outfitted with goggles, gloves, and a long leather apron to cover his Wile E. Coyote sweatshirt. The blacksmith explained that he was going to help him forge a piece of metal used in part of a hand pump for a water well.

“I started to hammer out the little flat piece of metal on the anvil, and I guess I hit it wrong, or something. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor, and I couldn’t feel anything from my left knee down. My wife was screaming and the kids were crying. I guess I was in shock.”

Whatley’s leg was broken when the anvil slipped from its block and tumbled onto his leg. A bolt used to secure the anvil, apparently weakened by years of metal fatigue, had snapped.

Whatley and family ended up in a nearby emergency room to have Derek’s broken leg attended to.

“Some of the doctors were laughing – the older ones anyway. I forgot that I was wearing my Road Runner cap and my Wile E. Coyote sweatshirt. I’m a the biggest fan of all those cartoons, and when I explained what happened and what fell on my leg, one of them looks at me and tries hard to keep from laughing, but he said he just couldn’t help it.”

The family will return to Williamsburg to fill out some incident reports and insurance forms related to the accident.

“The twins said I’m going to be an urban legend now,” said Whatley. The family is temporarily housed at a nearby motel.

“This isn’t the kind of vacation we thought it would be,” said wife Susan, “but it could have been worse. At the end of the day, it is what it is,” she said. “We’re trying to look on the bright side. At least he didn’t get blown up by TNT or fall off a cliff, you know?”

Warner Bros. Interactive To Release Mortal Kombat Vs. MLB Video Game

Posted on September 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BURBANK, California –

The action fighting series Mortal Kombat has grown to become one of the biggest video game series ever since it was released to arcades for the first time 22 years ago, but the newest installment in the series, which was announced last week, is probably the craziest idea yet – Mortal Kombat Vs. The Major League is set to debut at the beginning of next year.

The official word came from the headquarters of Warner Bros. Interactive, the publishing company that took over for Midway Games in the production of the Mortal Kombat series back in 2009. In an email sent to video game magazines and online publications, Ed Boon, original co-creator of the Mortal Kombat series, announced that his subdivision, NetherRealm Studios, had secured licensing from Major League Baseball for a roster of around 20 different players from several different teams to be included in the gameplay.

“We are extremely excited to announce that we are in the beginning stages of production for our new game Mortal Kombat Vs. The Major League,” Said Boon. “We at NetherRealm are extremely excited, as this is something we had been working towards with the League for several years, and as the licenses and agreements fell into place, everything started happening immediately. We are tentatively scheduling release for early spring 2015.”

Mortal Kombat has a long history of being extremely violent, causing controversy upon its initial release with its inclusion of graphic blood, realistic depictions of violence, and the creation of the ‘fatalities’ that fans have come to love over time. When asked via email about whether this game was going to be a more ‘toned down’ version, as some of the later Mortal Kombat games have been, Boon stated that there would be no holding back with this new game.

“We had to tone down some of the elements of violence for some of our later games and partnerships, such as Mortal Kombat Vs. The DC Universe. That was part of our agreement with DC, which wanted to be able to market the game towards children. The MLB has not imparted any restrictions on us in the use of their players or teams, so we’re aiming to make this one of the most brutal Mortal Kombat games to date.”

So far, there has been no official word on which teams or players might make it into the game, but as word got out to players, several have stepped up to offer their likenesses.

“It would be a dream come true to be in a Mortal Kombat video game,” Said Dustin Pedroia, second baseman for the Boston Red Sox. “I grew up on Mortal Kombat, like most boys my age. It would be an honor to face off against Scorpion. He can shoot his spear at me, and I can throw balls at his face. It would be hilarious.”

Warner Bros. Interactive will be watching the sales of this game closely, as Boon pointed out, because the numbers will directly correlate to whether or not they seek out licensing deals with other major sports clubs.

“Oh, definitely – we would love to make this into a series if it does well. NHL, NFL…really, the sky is the limit for what we can do with these characters,” Said Boon. “This is going to be the most fun game of the MK Universe so far. I can’t wait for everyone to play it. If there was ever a reason that we got into making Mortal Kombat games, it was so that we could combine the characters with other brands and keep the series going forever. No one will ever get sick of Mortal Kombat, that’s for sure.”

The game is being announced for release on the XBox One and PS4 consoles.

Disputed Study Claims Laundry Starch Promotes Healthy Teeth and Bones

Posted on September 24, 2014 by DvanL

NIAGARA FALLS, New York –

“Smile and say ‘CHEESE!’” How many times have photographers used the familiar phrase to coax smiles out of family members, co-workers, and friends? You’d have to be a crazy person to try and guess. Well, hold on to your wits, because now the cheese stands alone. A new phrase may take its place: Smile and say ‘STARCH!’

A highly disputed study sponsored by the National Laundry Council (NRC) suggests that common laundry starch, when used as part of a balanced diet, improves bone density and promotes healthy teeth.

NRC researcher Phyllis Argo and University of Phoenix osteopath, Dr. Felix Haney announced study results.

“It started because I’m lactose intolerant and worried about osteoporosis. I realized that if starch could make my clothes and linens stiffer and harder, why not my bones?” said Argo. “If you look at pictures of my mother and grandmother – all the older females in my family – they’ve all got ‘Dowager’s Hump.”

“Dowager’s Hump” is the informal name for kyphosis, a condition in which upper vertebrae compression causes a hump at the upper back. Osteoporosis, or “porous bones” is the leading cause.

Dr. Haney provided details of his starch study. “I experimented with a variety of substances mostly based on appearance and density to calcium and enamel, and my research pointed toward common laundry starch as the most digestible alternative.”

“I can’t tolerate dairy, and I didn’t like the side effects of those bone pills I saw on TV. The commercial with the actress who broke her leg on stage frightened me. I didn’t want to hobble around with a hunchback. I was initially scared to just eat the starch, so I just bathed in it. That seemed to help, just like it helps the linens. But it wasn’t enough.”

When questioned on the validity not only for this study, but also for another of the doctor’s ‘chalk and vinegar’ regimens, he excused himself to ‘go find [the research reports].’ Moments later, his receptionist explained that the doctor was ‘swamped’ with house calls, and had left the premises.

Dr. Mehmet Oz, himself under fire for promoting fad diet pills, addressed starch therapy during a recent studio taping of his medical entertainment show, Dr. Oz.

“There’s no medicinal value to ingesting laundry starch,” he said. “Usually people have cravings for nutrients that the body needs. My advice is to get yourself checked out by your doctor and follow recommended treatment. Laundry starch is for laundry, isn’t that right ladies?” He asked his audience, receiving a standing ovation.

“Well, I’m going to keep with the regimen,” said Argo. I think I feel better since I started, and I trust my doctor,” she added. “My posture’s improved, I think.”

Subsequent calls to Dr. Haney’s office were not returned, but a voice recording on his office answering machine reminded callers to always discuss new treatments with your physician prior to beginning any regimen, especially ones where you’re going to be literally ingesting poison, such as with the laundry starch addition to your diet.

Owen Wilson To Co-Star Alongside Vince Vaughn in ‘True Detective’ Season Two

Posted on September 23, 2014 by carriesnotscary

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

HBO revealed to the press today that funnyman Owen Wilson has signed on to co-star alongside Vince Vaughn in the second season of its popular and critically acclaimed dramatic series, True Detective. The two actors previously worked together in 2005 in the “hilarious” romantic comedy Wedding Crashers, and again in the 2013 film The Internship.

While the second season was rumored to feature Elisabeth Moss as a lead, the premium cable network opted to take advantage of their situation. “We already got Vince, so we figured, ‘why not try a Wedding Crashers reunion?’” An HBO spokesperson said. “It would’ve been foolish not to. I mean, nobody wants to see Vince Vaughn and Elisabeth Moss on-screen together. There wouldn’t be any laughs; she’s so serious. When you throw in Owen Wilson, nobody will want to miss that. Plus, they’ll improvise so much that the writers won’t have to write much dialogue. You wouldn’t make a Nicolas Cage movie without asking John Travolta to be in it, would you? You just can’t deny great chemistry. That’s what wins viewers. That’s what wins awards. Season two of True Detective is gonna be more hilarious than The Big Bang Theory.”

“I’m absolutely thrilled to work with Owen again, he’s my buddy,” Vaughn said. “I really was looking forward to working with a great dramatic actress like Elisabeth Moss, she’s so brilliant on Mad Men. I wanted to delve into dramatic acting, that’s kind of why I agreed to do this show, but now it won’t even feel like work at all. Just hanging out and riffing with Owen. And I get paid to do it!”

When asked how he feels about working with Vaughn again, Owen said, “It always feels good to be around people. Plus, it’s always fun to text Vince while we’re in the same room. Like, when he’s right next to me I’ll text him something hilarious like ‘Hey man, where’s craft service? I need a sandwich and to talk about my feelings.’”

Elisabeth Moss provided no comment, but the HBO spokesperson provided more unsolicited comments. “Why have a chick when we can have two dudes who will do anything to hook up with chicks and pretend to be detectives? ”

Liam Neeson Says Next Movie Is Just ‘Two Hours of Being a Badass’ While Talking on Phone

Posted on September 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

At one point in time, Irish actor Liam Neeson was best known for starring roles in dramas such as Schindler’s List or romantic comedies such as Love Actually, but after his turn as an ex-CIA assassin in the film 2008 Taken and its sequel Taken 2 in 2012, Neeson became known more for his badass phone call skills, especially when it comes to threatening kidnappers. In the film A Walk Among The Tombstones, which was released in the US this past weekend, Neeson again plays an ex-badge, this time a former NYPD detective, who once again makes his presence known to a set of kidnappers via several intense phone conversations.

Because Neeson says he is not afraid of being typecast as “that phone guy,” he has reportedly accepted a role in a new film that begins shooting next month in Southern California, simply titled Lots of Phone Calls. Neeson will play a character who does nothing but speak in threatening, yet soothing, tones to an antagonist over the phone.

“I really got to stretch my legs as an actor, getting into some gritty action back when I did Taken,” says Neeson. “Taken 2 was also a ton of fun, and people really love to see me get wild and kick some ass. More often, though, when I meet fans on the street, they always just want me to call their friends on their cell phones and say ‘I will find you, and I will kill you.’ It’s really a kick in the pants, you know?”

Neeson says this next film will just be made up of shots of him in a dimly lit room, wearing a tight, long-sleeved shirt and an old jacket, cussing-out and threatening a group of bad guys.

“They don’t know for sure if the film’s villains will be foreign, or maybe they’ll be American. We don’t even know for sure if I’ll be playing an American or not. All we know, is that the film is going to be intense, and filled with a lot of action – if you consider harsh, tense voices to be action. It’s going to be two hours of being a badass over the phone.”

The movie is currently in pre-production, and is reportedly being directed by Antoine Fuqua.

Tinder Cancels Accounts For People It Considers ‘Too Attractive’

Posted on September 22, 2014 by carriesnotscary

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tinder, the popular ‘hot or not’ dating app, has made the controversial decision to block users it considers too attractive due to a substantial overflow of users. According to founder Gary Tinder, it was a tough decision, but the right one that will save the business in the long run.

“We just couldn’t keep up with the overwhelming number of users. There’s millions of lonely people joining every second . . . especially between the hours of 12am and 4am. While I want to include everyone who is horny, sad, or just trying to do it with a stranger who is less than two minutes away, there have to be limits,” said Tinder. “Our technology cannot handle every person in heat, and it would be really rude to deny the people who are probably not good looking enough to be charming in person.”

Some extremely attractive people figured out something was wrong with the popular app before they officially revealed their secret. Alexis Wartz of Silver Lake noticed the trend early, when she was refused a download on her iPhone. “My friends were just like, ‘OMG you should do Tinder, I met this guy who asks me if I’m up at 3am every single weekend!’ So I tried, and it said the download didn’t work. I was at a Starbucks and the WiFi was so working and I kept trying and it never worked, but it worked for all my friends. It feels kinda good now that I know I’m too sexy to be on it. It’s a compliment and I’ll never stop bragging about it to my friends, who now have proof that I’m the prettiest one in the group.”

Liam Rash of New York City recalled his rejection from across the country. “I had the app for a while, but then one day it just disappeared. I tried to re-download it, and it wouldn’t work. I’m sitting there depressed, thinking ‘I’m one minute away from the hottest, most desperate chicks in all of Murray Hill, and I don’t even have to get out of bed…and I can have my hand down my pants if I want to.’ It sucks that I’m too hot for this thing, because I’m so socially awkward that I can only approach women through an iPhone without having a mental breakdown about how much I miss my mom, who lives upstate.”

“If the user demand continues to grow, we’ll probably just make a Tinder for ‘ugly’ to ‘average’ people, and a separate one for ‘above average’ to ‘hot’ people. But for now it’s our number one priority to make the app available to everyone we can as quickly as possible. We are just asking that everyone, from ugly duckling to beauty queen, just give us some time to get the kinks worked out.”

Exotic Dancer Sues Miley Cyrus Over Stolen Routines

Posted on September 21, 2014 by katiek

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

Anastasia Rhapsody, an adult entertainer at The Kitty Kave Gentlemen’s Club, announced in a press conference today that she has filed a lawsuit against Miley Cyrus for stealing parts of her act.

The lawsuit charges Cyrus with ‘wrongful appropriation’ of creative material conceived by the stripper and used in her popular act. Rhapsody is seeking $8 million in damages, which her lawyers consider a fair amount of the profit Ms. Cyrus has made by using the allegedly stolen material.

An emotional Rhapsody, surrounded by her lawyers and representatives of the Exotic Dancer’s Union, told reporters that she has suspected for some time that Cyrus had been spying on her and stealing her material.

“That foam finger thing she did on the VMAs? That was mine. I did an almost identical act at the 49ers pre-Super Bowl party a couple of years ago, except I was twerking on one of the players and not Robin Thicke. But I let that slide, thinking it might be a coincidence, even though she even used the tongue too,” Rhapsody said, sticking out her extremely long tongue to demonstrate. “I mean, after all, foam fingers are pretty common, aren’t they?”

“I started getting real darn suspicious when she came out with that ‘Wrecking Ball’ video, though. One of my most popular acts starts with me swinging onto the stage on a big disco ball,” Rhapsody told reporters. “Not everybody swings around on a big ball, now do they?”

By then, the stripper said, she had seen Cyrus in the club several times with young homeless men who the singer was treating to a night out. “I thought she was real nice for doing that, you know?” she said. “But I confronted her the next time she came in about that video. She told me there was no way anyone could mistake her video as being anything like my act because she was wearing boots and riding a wrecking ball, while I was wearing platform shoes and riding a disco ball. Besides, she was licking a hammer and I wasn’t. “

“She was real sweet about it. And like she said, I didn’t lick no hammer in my act, so I couldn’t prove anything.”

The tearful stripper went on to say that she finally felt confident in filing the lawsuit after Cyrus appeared at a New York Fashion Week after- party a few days ago wearing pasties. “They were identical to the ones I wore the last time Miley was in the club, and my lawyers said that was enough to convince a judge. I think she might have stolen some stuff from a few of the other girls at the club too, but we just can’t prove it.”

“I thought she was a good person. I mean, she bought those poor homeless guys drinks and lap dances. She even pole danced on stage with us girls,” Anastasia said. “I guess I was wrong.”

Cyrus has not yet commented on the accusations.