17 Children Are DEAD After a Fight Breaks Out in Middle School Over Fidget Spinners

Posted on May 24, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LYNN, Massachusetts –

Seventeen pre-teens, aged 11-15, are dead after a massive fight broke out at a Lynn, Massachusetts middle school over the latest craze, fidget spinners.

According to police, several children began arguing about whose fidget spinner was “the best,” and several others began pestering the first group for being “super gay,” and having fidget spinners in the first place.

“Before you knew it, we had 60 or 70 kids just attacking each other,” said Darlene McDonald, a 7th grade teacher at Lynn Middle School. “Fidget spinners were being thrown everywhere – I saw one kid take his fidget spinner between his fingers like a pair of brass knuckles, and beat another student in the face repeatedly until one of his eyes simply popped out of his head. It was gruesome, and the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen. But if they think I’m getting involved in this shit at $14 bucks an hour, they can get real.”

Police were called to break up the melee, but by the time they arrived, 13 students had died, and another 24 were injured. Another 4 died later on due to sustained injuries.

“We had tried to ban fidget spinners in the school, but the parents, they lobbied to bring them back,” said Principal Grace Marlins. “So we let them play, knowing full well the dangers. I cannot believe that something like this happened over a $1 piece of plastic. Sad thing is, the parents still won’t let us ban them – they just want everything monitored better. It’s crazy.”

Fidget spinners are quickly become a problem in many classrooms throughout the country, with teachers calling them a “distraction” and a “time waster.”

“This just proves how dangerous they really are, though,” said McDonald. “We went through a lot of phases in my days as a teacher – slap bracelets, pogs, and then cell phones, of course. But this is the first time I’ve ever seen kids beat each other to death over a fad. This world has gone truly crazy.”

Former Hell’s Angel Reveals Secret Homosexual Meaning Behind Why Bikers Wave When They Pass Each Other

Posted on May 22, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

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PHOENIX, Arizona –

A former Hell’s Angel motorcycle gang member recently gave an interview about his time in the club, and revealed a little more than the interviewer probably anticipated when he was questioned about the “wave” that bikers give each other when passing.

“That’s a gay thing, totally,” said the biker, who was interviewed for Viceland on the Vice TV channel. “It started probably 40 or 50 years ago, back when most bikers got into the clubs to hide their homosexuality. Waving when you passed another guy on a motorcycle was a sign that you were available, and ready for a meet-up later at any number of local motels. If the person waved back, then you knew the meeting was on.”

He did go on to say that the waving had “lost a lot of its original meeting,” but that you will still find old bikers who like to get out of their leathers and romp around on the bed with other guys.

“It’s actually more common than you think, but really, it’s also quite accepted now,” said the biker. “We’re all-inclusive. We used to be hardcore about only letting in certain people, but we have plenty of openly gay members now. I’m cool with it, for sure. But the waving, yeah – if you’re doing that still, you should know that an old-school biker might show up at your hotel door in the middle of the night and expect a quick mouth service.”

Death Row Inmate Requests Human Cadaver As Final Meal Before Execution

Posted on April 30, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

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BALTIMORE, Maryland –

A death row inmate, 39-year-old Bryan Bryant, who was found guilty of murdering 18 people in the early 2000s, reportedly requested to have a “human cadaver” as his last meal. Maryland law dictates that an inmate can ask for anything they would like to eat, and it will be served. The law does not get specific enough to say that the item must be a “normal” food item, or create provisions that would not allow certain things to be requested.

“Mr. Bryant requested to eat an entire human as his final meal before execution, and the Maryland Board of Prisons was able to prepare his request for him,” said warden Joel Higgins. “It was an odd request, for sure, and we had several protestors who said it was not a ‘good use’ for a body that was donated to science, but in the end, Mr. Bryant’s rights and wishes were not impeded.”

According to Higgins, they procured a recently deceased 47-year-old female, who died of a heroin overdose. Her name was not released to protect her family from embarrassment. Bryant was executed on Friday via lethal injection.

Babysitter Takes Acid, Eats 3-Month-Old Baby After Cooking Her In The Oven

Posted on April 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DE SOTO, Missouri –

Two Missouri parents were horrified to discover their babysitter had taken acid while watching their child, after they found the remains of their three-month-old child cooked in the oven.

Police Officer Dwayne Jacobs was the first on the scene, and found a “very confused” and “incoherent” babysitter lying half-conscious in the family’s living room.

Anna Doreen, the 17-year-old babysitter, claims she had bought some acid and “only took a few tabs” before she became “overly confused” and “extremely hungry.”

“I just took a few tabs because I was bored and the baby was sleeping,” she later told Officer Jacobs. “I remember that I started getting really hungry, ate some chicken wings, and passed out.”

The 3-month-old child was found in the oven, covered in barbecue sauce, and was pronounced dead at the scene.

“It appears she tried to cook him in the oven, but did not time it long enough to completely cook him. She was probably disoriented and lost consciousness moments later,” explained Sheriff deputy James Anderson of the Jefferson County Police Department. “Teeth marks were found on the baby’s arms and legs. Ms. Doreen has been taken into custody and is facing second-degree murder charges, as well as drug-related charges.”

Man Forcibly Inserts Handgun Into Anus Because He Thinks It Is The ‘Safest Place’ To Keep It

Posted on April 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

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DELUTH, Mississippi –

Dale Kyle, 40, was recently hospitalized after he says he put his 1887 Colt Peacemaker into his anus, thinking it was the “safest place” for it to be.

According to doctors, Kyle put the gun in his own ass because his house has been robbed over a dozen times in a matter of 5 years, and in several of those instances, his entire gun collection was taken.

“Basically, the only place a gun is safe is when you’re carrying it,” said Kyle. “But I sleep naked, and I don’t want anyone sneaking up on me while I’m in my birthday suit. So I figured the best thing would be to just slip it on up. I thought if I had it handy, I could push it out at a moment’s notice, just in case.”

As Kyle found, though, the rectum is not designed for entry, and things can easily become lodged.

His doctor, Kristopher McKenna, says that this is not the first gun he has seen wedged into a middle-aged man’s derrière.

“Men in their 40s to 50s, they like to stick things in their ass,” said Dr. McKenna. “I don’t know why, I never went through that phase myself. I think it’s a southern thing, and I was raised in New York. Either way, this isn’t the first time I’ve pulled something out of some dude’s ass, and it no doubt won’t be the last.”

Police Discover Meth Lab In Back Room of Alabama Walmart

Posted on March 30, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DECATUR, Alabama –

Police were recently tipped off to a reported meth lab that was being run by Walmart employees in what they are calling one of the biggest busts in decades.

Police Chief Robert Garner said that an anonymous tip was left on their drug hotline, expressing concern about a horrible burning smell that was coming from the back of the Decatur WalMart facility. When an officer was sent to investigate, the store was instantly shut down as he discovered a meth lab that took up the entire back room.

“The thing was massive, and contained enough materials to make hundreds, if not thousands, of pounds of crystal meth,” said Chief Garner. “Apparently, every employee in the store was a part of it, from working with and gathering materials, to cooking, to selling it outside of the store. It was a full, massive operation.”

No one from Walmart’s corporate office was available for comment, but an unofficial spokesperson did say that they were “disappointed” that they weren’t able to use their company discount to get meth before the place was shut down.

Morgue Employee Cremated By Mistake While Taking a Nap During His Break

Posted on March 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEAUMONT, Texas –

48-year old Henri Paul Johnson was killed last week after he was accidentally cremated during a long shift at the Coroner’s Office Morgue.

According to police, Johnson took a nap on a stretcher after working over 16 hours, and was mistaken for another man who was killed in a car accident, and scheduled to be cremated.

Jena Davis, who was not the co-worker who cremated Johnson, says they heard him scream for a moment, but didn’t know where the sound was coming from.

“At first, we didn’t understand where the sound was coming from. When we realized what was happening, it was too late. We shut down the heating system, but he was already dead.”

Davis says that Johnson was exposed to temperatures of well over 1500 degrees Fahrenheit, and there was nothing that could have been done. A new employee, who had forgotten to check the toe tag on the body before proceeding, was blamed for the accident, but no charges have yet been filed.

Woman In Uganda Confirmed To Be Over 200-Years Old

Posted on March 16, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

UGANDA –

A woman living in a village in Uganda has been confirmed to be over 200-years-old by genealogists, researchers, and archivists who have looked into the woman’s lineage.

The woman, who does not remember her own name, is officially the oldest person to have ever lived. She was born in the same village in Uganda she currently lives, and says she has “never left.”

“I have lived long, I am tired. I have never gone away, this is what I know,” she said. “I am happy to be here. I am not happy to be so old. Wish I was dead. All my family, they are dead. I have had 18 children, 47 grandchildren, and 163 great-grandchildren, and they are all gone now. I’m sad. Kill me, please.”

Researchers say that they have “no idea” how it’s possible that she has lived so long, but have confirmed through genetic testing that she is, indeed, 204-years-old, having been born in 1806.

Parents Arrested After It Was Found They Had Been Tattooing Their Infant

Posted on February 26, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

A couple has been arrested after it was reported to CPS that they were using their infant son as a “canvas” to practice their tattooing.

Kyle Bruce, 28, and his girlfriend, Felicia Rogers, 22, were taken into police custody after a neighbor in their apartment building heard “hours of a baby crying, and tattoo machines running.”

“Mr. Bruce and Ms. Rogers were arrested after we discovered that they had purchased tattoo equipment from the internet, and were practicing on their baby, 7-month-old Caleb,” said Police Chief Rick Simmons.

In Maine, purchasing and using tattoo equipment without a license is a criminal offense, and the couple added to their crimes with felony assault and endangerment of a minor.

“Their apartment was disgusting, and the child is lucky that he did not get an infection,” said Chief Simmons. “I have confirmed with doctors that Caleb is going to be okay. Sadly, he is just going to be stuck with really bad tattoos as if he were perpetually stuck in the 90s – birds, tribal tattoos, and a tear drop.”

‘Cash Me Outside’ Girl Revealed To Actually Be 45-Year-Old Man

Posted on February 24, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Danielle Bregoli, better known as the “cash me outside” or “catch me outside” girl who was made famous by her atrocious behavior and fake street-girl accent on the Dr. Phil Show, has been revealed to be an actor, 45-year-old Danny Meyers.

Meyers is a YouTube sensation, who said that he started the character of Danielle on his channel, and it didn’t really catch on.

“When I took her to national TV, that’s when this entire thing really started to pay off,” said Meyers. “I really didn’t think it was going to blow up like it did, but it ended up being hilarious.”

Meyers is known for his extensive pranks and characters from his YouTube series, Pranks and Characters, and he says the character of the “cash me outside” girl just came naturally.

“I used to watch me sister and her friends get ready for a night on the town, and they ended up just spending the whole time putting on too much makeup and talking shit about boys and trying to act tough,” said Meyers. “I come from Stamford, Connecticut. There is nobody hard in Connecticut.”

Meyers appeared on the Dr. Phil Show twice as Danielle, and even went through an entire 3-week course at a camp to deter wayward youth.

“Being on that ranch was tough, I’m not going to lie. There were several times I wanted to give up, tell them it was all a joke, and move on,” said Meyers. “But I stuck it out. I figured I owed Dr. Phil that much for making me famous.”

There was no comment made from Meyers about who played Danielle’s mother on the Dr. Phil Show, or if he plans to retire the character now that he has outed himself.