Bernie Sanders Says He Will Completely Forgive Student Loans If Elected

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may soon be off the hook for their education costs. Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders says that if elected, he will sign a new federal bill releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt because of the high interest rates and outrageous balances caused by college loans.

“Any student, past or present, who has taken loans from the federal government within the last 10 years to pay for higher education, would no longer be required to pay back those loans,” said Bernie Sanders. “This forgiveness would also be extended to any student currently enrolled in college, who may need financial assistance for the next several years as they finish their degrees.”

The idea of student loan forgiveness has been in the news for several years now, as students are forced year-after-year to leave school due to crippling costs of a higher education in the US. With most students not able to afford any facet of college without loans, the government has given out nearly $1 trillion dollars to those seeking a form of higher education. Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government.

“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation,” said Sanders. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and to give them some hope that they can and will receive their degrees, and they can work towards a future for themselves and their families, and not just a future of paying back debt.”

Even while the government has decided to forgive loans from the public sector, private held companies such as Sallie Mae, the leading lender for higher education, still has sky-high interest rates and non-budging repayment schedules. With close to $1 billion in net income every year,  Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.

“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in not pursuing every possible avenue to squeeze every penny we can out of our borrowers,” said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Education is important to us, but paying back your loans are what we care about. We aren’t loan sharks, we aren’t going to break your kneecaps if you don’t pay, as much as we would like to…[But] you can bet we love making all that sweet, sweet high-interest rate cash.”

Donald Trump Declines Debate With Sanders, Suggests Fistfight Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump on Friday said he would not debate Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders because it would be “inappropriate” to square off against the candidate who currently trails Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primary fight. Trump initially agreed to do the interview, and then changed his mind numerous times in the span of a few days.

Sanders calls Trump a liar. Trump responded by saying, “Oh, Crazy Ol’ Bernie, don’t listen to him and his so called logic.” Trump went on to say, “I did not decide to debate with Bernie because as a business man I don’t agree to a deal where I don’t come out ahead. My supporters don’t care about things like debates. What speaks to my supporters is good old fashioned blood, and I’d knock that old Jew into next week.”

Political analyst Eugune Scott told CNN, “I didn’t think he’d [Trump] fare very well in a fight with Sanders. Plus, do we really need anymore proof what a barbaric ignoramus Trump is?”

Clinton Campaign Says They Have Trump/Melania Sex Tape And They’ll Release It If He Doesn’t Drop Out

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager has release an email to the press, stating that they have a secret recording of Donald Trump and wife, Melania Trump, having sex – and they plan to release it “accidentally” if he doesn’t drop out of the race.

“If you think that some of the things that Trump has said and done in the past should be embarrassing, there is nothing that touches this,” read the email. “We have secured the tape through legal, legitimate channels, and we are prepared to release it to the public if Trump does not drop from the race.”

According to Trump, it is impossible that Hillary is in possession of a tape of him having sex.

“I have not had sex with my wife, or any woman, in nearly 20 years,” said Trump. “I may have implied that I had a large penis earlier in the race, and that’s true, but it’s also flaccid as hell, and doesn’t get much use. You’d think it would be obvious that a woman as attractive as Melania would be in this for the money, and the power, and not for what is hanging down there.”

The Clinton campaign says that they are not swayed by Trump’s comments, and are fully standing behind their statement that they will release the video if Trump does not back down.

Donald Trump Admits He Was Only Running For President To Get Hillary Elected

WASHINGTON, D.C – 

The rumors were true after all. Donald Trump has just admitted that he was a Hillary Clinton plant the whole time.

Many have suspected as much, and liberal trolls on the internet have been saying it for months, but now Donald Trump himself has admitted that he is running as a Republican to ensure Hillary Clinton will win in November. Trump revealed via Twitter that he made a deal with Hillary in 2014; this all unfolding mere days after Trump’s lock on securing the Republican nomination

After Donald Trump made this announcement, campaign manager Gerald Rogers released a press release documenting the entire charade.

“Electing Hillary Clinton, the most disliked Democrat politician in decades, would have been impossible unless she were running against a Republican that was even worse. Although, it couldn’t just be any Republican, it would have to be the absolute worst Republican in the country,” said Rogers. “It would have to be a Republican that was so bad even other Republicans would denounce them. It would have to be someone that would split the party and ensure Hillary could win the White House with only 40% of the vote.”

Trump has said now that he has gained the GOP nomination, though, he will continue to run, because “being president” is something that he says he can “really kick ass” at.

Anti-Circumcision Activist Forcibly Circumcised

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A man who was in our nation’s capital protesting the circumcision of infants was reportedly attacked and forcibly circumcised himself, by an assailant that is being referred to as “very angry.”

“He came out of nowhere, out of the shadows, and he pulled me into an alley,” said the protestor, John Jacobs. “He whispered into my ear that ‘dicks should look good, asshole,’ and then he pulled my penis out and cut off the tip.”

Unfortunately for Jacobs, he was actually already circumcised, and the entire head of his penis was cut off.

“The guy was very angry that we were trying to make people stop cutting their babies, and I have no idea why,” said Jacobs. “I think that sometimes people are very passionate about things, and they don’t know how to handle it. Unfortunately, I may have lost my penis, but I feel no ill will. I just want this poor man found so he can get the help he needs.”

Oil Spill Tax Imposed By Government To Increase Gas Prices By Over 1000%

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Congress will be voting on new oil tax to help fund clean up costs, after the recent spill into the Gulf of Mexico.

Almost 90,000 gallons of crude oil gushed from a Shell oil facility into the Gulf of Mexico off the Louisiana coast on Thursday, leaving a 13- by 2-mile sheen of oil on the waves. Countless oil-choked fish and Cuban refugees are washing up on the shore.

Louisiana Senator Bill Cassidy is sponsoring the bill, saying oil spills are bound to happen and everyone must chip in.

“It’s just the nature of doing business. The Gulf will be ruined within the next few years unless the clean-ups are subsidized. We can not expect pipelines and drilling equipment to be failproof. Leaks are bound to happen.”

Saturn Will Be At Closest Point To Earth In Over 4,000 Years On May 31st

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WORLDWIDE – 

NASA has confirmed that on May 31st, Saturn will be closer to Earth than it has been in over 4,000 years, with a spectacle that will be “unlike any other” astronomical sight people have seen.

“Saturn does not often come this close to Earth, and this will be a sight no one currently living has ever seen,” said NASA spokesman George Pooler. “We are extremely excited to be able to better study this planet, but also that people will be able to get a glimpse of an amazing, ringed planet, which is not something normally able to happen.”

Pooler says that NASA hopes to be able to see the opposite side of Saturn as it rotates by, something that they have never been able to photograph previously.

“In 1980, Saturn came very close, but not as close as it will come this time,” said Pooler. “We have some images of Saturn from the last rotation, but this will be an amazing sight that will blow the last time out of the water. We are expecting that on May 31st, we will be able to see Saturn here in the United States at approximately 4:45PM EST. Get your cameras ready, as this experience is once-in-a-lifetime.”

New Hampshire Courts Rule That Rape Is Legal In All Cirucmstances

law firm

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Although a recent internet circulation about Oklahoma law allowing for someone to be orally raped if they are intoxicated has already been proved to be inaccurate, New Hampshire lawmakers may be giving the internet something new to make waves over. The courts in that state have determined that all rape, whether it is a man on a woman or a woman on a man, and no matter what bodily orifice is penetrated, is considered legal in all circumstances.

“We live in a state where the motto is ‘Live Free or Die,'” said state senator Richard Lambert. “We have no seatbelt laws. We have no sales tax. We have no helmet laws. We have the most lax laws on theft or vandalism in the country. It was a no-brainer that we should also have no laws pertaining to rape or sexual assault.”

According to Lambert, lawmakers were recently put on blast for allowing a 17-year-old teen to go free after he was arrested for allegedly raping a 16-year-old female classmate.

“That teen says that the girl wanted to have sex, and neither of them was even drunk or otherwise intoxicated at the time, so we had to believe him,” said Lambert. “We let him go, because more often than not, when a girl loses her virginity she is upset afterwards, and looking to hurt the guy, especially when the couple breaks up, which is what had happened in that situation.”

Instead of creating stricter laws that would help to keep possible sex offenders from going free, the state decided that they would remove the laws from their court system all together, making all rape, regardless of circumstance, legal and “okay.”

“I, personally, am glad that we are making the matter go away entirely by removing the laws,” said Lambert. “Our state spends more time than anything on cases about rape or assault or statutory rape than anything else, and it was costing us millions. Instead, let these kids go out and get wasted and have sex. There shouldn’t be people going to jail over regret.”

Nike Admits To Making Some Shoes From Skin of Elephants

nike

GROVER, Kansas –

After a boycott hashtag surfaced last month over Nike making their sneakers using the skin of elephants, the company stayed very mum on the subject, and made no public comment on the viral images and memes. Today, though, the massive shoe empire came forward, and admitted that they had been using the hide of many animals, including elephants, to make their shoes.

“We are extremely sorry that we did not make this known to our customers when they purchased our shoes, but we are, to be honest, embarrassed about it,” said a statement. “We began making Nike shoes in a different time, and it wasn’t as looked down upon to make our shoes from the skin of animals, even endangered ones. Once things took off, though, there was no stopping.”

Nike says that they have used elephant, lion, cat, snake, and even giraffe skin in their shoes over the years, and that they had never been able to find a suitable faux substitute that would also be able to hold up in the same way their shoes could.

“Animal hides are rough, rugged, and tough, and they keep our shoes lasting, while also allowing us to charge a premium for the shoes,” said the company in the same statement. “We are currently developing new materials that we can make the shoes out of, while still maintaining the same quality our customers have come to know.”

600,000 People Show Up In Support of Donald Trump In Los Angeles

trump

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Donald Trump has scored the biggest and best turnout of any candidate in the history of the presidency, when over 600,000 people showed up in support of the Republican during a recent stop in Los Angeles, California.

Trump, who has long been leading the republican ticket and is more than likely going to receive his party’s nomination towards the general election, visited the state last week, at a rally that was only expected to have a turnout of around 18,000 people.

“Somewhere along the line, Trump supporters started coming together. We had people driving in from 3 or 4 states away, packing cars, and coming together. They just wanted to be here,” said Trump campaign manager Kyle Carson. “It brought tears to me eyes that so many people were here to listen to what Donald Trump had to say.”

The candidate says that he is not surprised, although is extremely overjoyed, that as many people showed as they did.

“My message is being heard loud and clear by the American people, and that message is that we want to make America great again,” said Trump. “They are slowly coming around, because they, too, want to be great. They miss the times when it was, and we are working to get it back.”

The previous record for a crowd of people gathering to hear a candidate was for President Obama in 2008, when he had 80,000 people show up for a speech in Chicago, Illinois.

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