New Study Proves Everyone Is At Least Slightly Gay

Posted on June 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PIEDMONT, North Dakota –

A new scientific study performed by a private medical team at Massasoit General Hospital in Piedmont, North Dakota has proven that 100% of people have at least a little bit of gay in them.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re male, female, or a eunuch,” Said Professor Neil Louis, head of HumanZone, INC., the privately-held medical research company that performed the study. “Through many years of testing, research, development, and a tiny bit of trial-and-error, we have discovered the actual strain in human DNA that causes homosexuality. [And] these tests conclude that everyone, no matter who they are, has at least a small amount of that strain in them.”

It has long been known, although argued vehemently by bigots and religious zealots, that homosexuality is a trait that is developed while a person is still in the fetal state, being born homosexual or heterosexual. With this knowledge, Professor Louis and his team were able to discover exactly at what stage of the pregnancy a person “becomes” homosexual. Once they discovered this timeframe, they used that knowledge to find the actual DNA gene itself. They were then startled to discover that in every sample they had, whether it was from people who identified as straight or as homosexual, they could find at least some part of that same strain.

“It’s all extremely complicated,” said Louis. “I don’t expect that a layperson would understand it. When our research is published in the Boston Medical Journal of Research next month, anyone will be able to peruse our findings.”

What this means for people as whole, according to Louis, really amounts to nothing at all.

“This is not going to change any person’s day-to-day life. Knowing that you have a little gay in you, so what? What does that matter? Is there something wrong being gay? I mean, do people still think that in this day and age? What’s the matter with them? Who cares?”

In his findings, the professor and his team discovered that there were different “levels” of homosexuality, as they referred to them. Just as the stereotypes you can imagine of homosexuals, portrayed in TV and movies as anything from extremely flamboyant with female qualitites to men still repressing their sexuality, the study actually showed that the more a man claims to despise homosexuals, the more of the homosexual strain they would find in him.

“Men who we tested who considered themselves to be homophobic, or even overtly hostile towards homosexuals, were found to have the MOST amounts of homosexual DNA strains in them. I guess it does prove true the old adage that the more someone hates gay people, the more they really are repressing their own desires for some hot man-on-man action.”

Curiously, the study was not performed on any women.

“Oh, we didn’t bother studying women. Everyone already knows that all it takes to get a woman to have gay tendencies is a couple vodka and Red Bull martinis.”

Obama Apologizes For Bergdahl Negotiations; Offers To Trade Him Back To Taliban

Posted on June 6, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Just 5 days ago, the Obama administration orchestrated the release of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl from a Taliban-controlled prison in Afghanistan in exchange for 5 Guantanamo Bay detainees. Since his release was announced, the online debates as to whether or not Bergdahl was a deserter, abandoning his post in Yahya Kheyl in an Eastern province of Afghanistan, has divided the country during a time that would normally be a celebration for a POW returning home.

Because of the nature of the capture, the negotiation with terrorist leaders to bring Bergdahl home, and the unclear matter of his deserter status, President Obama made a formal apology to the nation today for acting without proper consent, and breaking laws that required Congress to be notified of any prisoner exchanges.

“I was unaware that Bergdahl was an… [alleged] deserter. I was doing my best to bring home a man who had suffered five years in a Taliban prison.” Said President Obama. “I have disgraced myself and my country for dealing with terrorists, for bending laws that I myself signed, and for trading the lives of 5 men in Guantanamo for the life of one man, who may or may not even deserve to have been saved.”

Obama went on to say that he believed that Bergdahl had suffered while he was in Afghanistan, but that didn’t excuse him of running out on his duties, and that the US is extremely embarrassed that they wasted such a good trade on a man who has disgraced his country in this way.

“If this was a proud man, a young man who stood for something great, then this trade would have been worth releasing 100 people from Guantanamo in exchange. I had actually considered letting 10 people go, but the Taliban, they started with 5 and I decided there was no reason to counter that number. Now that I have learned what I have about Bergdahl, I would have no problems trading him back. I’ll even take just 3 people back in exchange.” Said Obama.

Bergdahl will return his hometown of Hailey, Idaho within the next few weeks, although not to the fanfare that was originally scheduled. Plans for a parade in his honor, as well as entire hometown celebration, were abandoned after news of his deserter status began to spread across the internet. Originally planned for July 28th, the town’s official word is that they don’t have the resources to contain the amount of people expected. It is quite possible, though, that the backlash from the internet, as well as threats, hatred, and menace aimed at the town for planning a celebration had something to do with their cancellation.

“The City of Hailey believes in due process, and we are very happy to let the process unfold,” said the city’s mayor. “In the meantime, our celebration will focus on [Bowe’s] release and the relief of his family and those who live here.”

Sprint Looks To Buy T-Mobile; Plans To Completely Dissolve Company

Posted on June 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OVERLAND PARK, Kansas –

Negotiations have begun for Sprint, the third largest wireless company in the US, to purchase T-Mobile, the fourth largest wireless company, from their parent Deutsche Telekom. The merger is reported to be worth approximately $32 billion, with part being paid in cash and part in stock, a typical option for deals of this size.

Assuming that the FCC approves the deal, Sprint has stated that their plans for T-Mobile would be to phase it out completely, while converting their customers into the Sprint family. The T-Mobile network, which runs on the much faster GSM technology would remain intact, with Sprint converting their handsets to take advantage of the higher speeds necessary for such a large subscriber base and congested network. Combined, Sprint and T-Mobile would have nearly 100 million customers.

“We feel very strongly that there is absolutely no need for T-Mobile to continue on as a company once our purchase is cleared.” Said Dan Hesse, chairman of Sprint Corp. US. “They’ve done some great things for the wireless world in the last year or two, but it’s nothing that we can’t continue without them. If this merger happens, it will definitely be the end for T-Mobile.”

The news that T-Mobile could possibly be closing their doors hit hard for many employees in the company, especially low-ranking retail and call center workers, who just went through a similarly stressful situation a few years ago when AT&T was looking to purchase T-Mobile. That merger was denied by FCC regulators, citing laws against creating a monopoly within the industry.

“It’s extremely disheartening, the idea of them shutting us down.” Said Christopher Pike, a call center employee. “I was here when AT&T came strutting through, and tried to pick us up. It was horrible, stressful. No one knew what was going to happen. This is almost worse, because they’ve already told us that we’re going to be out of a job if this buyout is approved.”

Jon Legere, CEO of T-Mobile, doesn’t seem too worried about keeping a job within the company if the buy-out happens. Legere, who has only been with T-Mobile for the last couple of years, has become an outspoken president, known for his profanity-laced speeches calling out AT&T and Verizon for their “shady” practices and their old-school mentality.

“I always talked about AT&T, Verizon – I rarely ever talked any [expletive] about Sprint, because I knew this was going to happen eventually. It’s no surprise to me. You can’t be #4 in the game forever without #3 knocking on your door. Well, the door is open now, and it’s about time I take off this magenta shirt and start thinking about how I’m going to look in yellow.”

With T-Mobile inevitably on the route to the end, many customers who recently switched from Sprint were delighted that they would be able to go back.

“I switched over to T-Mobile when my contract with Sprint ran out. Needed to try something new, ya know?” Said Alex Winter, a long time Sprint subscriber. “They don’t have contracts, sure, but they suckered me into buying a phone for $750, and with monthly payments, it’s going to take 2 damn years to pay off, so it’s basically the same thing. I can’t leave them without paying an arm and a leg to get rid of this phone, and their service is terrible. I can’t wait to get back with Sprint.”

As of this writing, there were no definite terms completed for the possible buyout, with representatives for Sprint and T-Mobile refusing to comment.

Twitter Launching New Paid Service With 200 Character Limit

Posted on June 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

Twitter [NYSE: TWTR] may have finally put an end to the jokes about getting all your thoughts down in 140 characters or less, as this morning they announced their new paid service, dubbed Twit-Pro, which allows users an additional 60 characters per ‘tweet,’ bringing the total to 200.

“We are very excited to be debuting our new paid service, Twit-Pro, to the world.” Said Jack Dorsey, Chairman. “This new Twitter experience should help those micro-bloggers out there who want to say what they’re thinking and feeling, but need more than 140 characters to do it. We think it’s a huge leap forward for the Twittersphere.”

Twit-Pro, which Dorsey said will be fully integrated into existing Twitter apps for all platforms, as well as the Twitter website by the beginning of next month, will allow users the ability to pay a nominal monthly fee in exchange for the extra 60 characters when tweeting. Dorsey did not say how much they would be charging, but he did say they had worked out deals with all major U.S. cell phone carriers to allow users to bill directly to their provider.

Aside from just allowing for extra characters, Twit-Pro is also going to be offering the option of recording and posting videos into the user’s Twitter feed, with recording time up to 45 seconds.

“We wanted to take the best experiences you find on all social media, the most popular apps and websites, and combine them. We will now be allowing users to use more characters and record short video tweets, much like Vine, and embed them directly to all your followers. The days of linking and using other services to post into your Twitter feed are coming to an end. We want everything to be handled right by our own service.”

Other features announced with Twit-Pro are a song and media identifier, so you can instantly tweet the song or TV show you are watching just by letting your phone “listen” to the sounds around you, as well as a check-in feature that will let users mark down places they’ve visited with links to reviews for restaurants, movies, night clubs, or even national parks and resorts.

Twit-Pro is slated to become a live feature in the next Twitter update, scheduled for July 1st on Android, July 7th on the iPhone, and July 13th for Windows OS.

Charles Manson Granted Parole

Posted on June 4, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

Corcoran, California –

One of the most famous killers in the American prison system will soon be walking free. On Tuesday Charles Manson, who is now 79 years old, was granted parole by the California Board of Parole and authorized by California Governor Jerry Brown.

According to California Board of Parole Hearings Commissioner John Peck, prison overcrowding forced the prison board to re-evaluate prisoners that are elderly or those with serious illnesses. In February a panel of federal judges ordered California Gov. Jerry Brown (D) two more years to reduce chronic prison overcrowding that has cost the state billions of dollars.

The ruling, issued by three judges overseeing the state’s efforts to ease the overcrowding, gives California until February 2016 to achieve their goals. But, the judges said, the state has to make elderly inmates and those with serious illnesses eligible for parole immediately.

Manson, who was denied parole in April of 2012 and wasn’t scheduled for another parole hearing until 2027, was re-evaluated due to his age and health and the Parole Board recommended his parole.

“He is 79 years old and in poor health,” said Commissioner Peck. “We know it’s not going to be a popular decision but, considering our other options, he’s the least threat.”

Protesters have already planned to picket the lawn outside of the prison in Corcoran, but what is more surprising is the number of supporters that have come out to express joy over the news.

“It’s a great [expletive] day in America!” said Joe Goldsmith, who camped out in front of the prison Wednesday morning, decked out in Manson gear and sporting tattoos covering his face. “Manson is my idol”

While parole was granted, the actual release date has not yet been set.

College Student Excused From Classes After Dog Eats Grandmother

Posted on June 3, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

OXFORD, OH–

A student at Miami Ohio University is receiving a lot of attention after a letter he wrote to his professor went viral.

According to the letter, the student, Joseph Goldsmith, claimed that his dog, “ate my grandmother” the night before his final exam.

The letter was thought to be a joke but it turned out that his grandmother actually was attacked and seriously injured by his dog, a pitt bull named Gator.

The seemingly absurd letter was posted online and soon went viral after photos of the grandmother covered in stitches were posted.

Emailed the distraught student to his professor:

Prof. Neudhardt,

I wont be able to make the exam today because my dog ate my grandmother, who was receiving radiation treatments and might have irradiated my dog, Gator, who is currently being hospitalized at the vet.

Can I come in on Thursday to take the exam, once my dog is released from the hospital?

Prof. Neudhardt is expected to excuse the student from the exam on Monday, pending proof of the diseased grandmother’s condition.

Cure For Cancer Discovered; ‘Amazingly Simple’ Says Researcher

Posted on June 3, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

Orono, Maine — Medical researchers at the University of Maine have discovered the long-sought cure for cancer. According to lead researcher Dr. Emma Kingston, the cure was so amazingly simple, they don’t understand how someone didn’t find it before now.
Said Kingston, “I was practically in shock. The medical community has been conducting research for literally decades trying to find the cure for cancer. And for the actual cure to be so simple. Stunning, really. And to be clear, we’re not just talking about one type of cancer here. We’re talking about all types of cancer for all people.”
Dr. Elmer Hudson, a colleague of Dr. Kingston’s, expressed some reservations at making such sweeping claims. “We need to be careful here. While yes the cure is 100% effective for most people and all types of cancer, there are still isolated instances with some types of people who have some types of cancer that the level of immediate complete remission is only 94.6%. That other 5.4% of cancer patients did not experience complete immediate remission. They all exhibited flu-like symptoms for up to 2 weeks before they were completely cured.”
Kingston went on to explain that everything needed for the cure is available at any local drugstore. In fact, according to Kingston, you can probably get most of the items at a reasonably stocked convenience store. Even Dr. Hudson admitted that a person can go to a drugstore, spend perhaps twenty dollars, go home and be completely cured in about thirty minutes.
The complete findings will be released in the next issue of The Journal Of Medical Things In Maine which is issued every two years by the University. Since the previous version came out just last month, it will be almost the full two years before the next issue.
Dr. Kingston, practically giddy, said “When our findings are made public it will change the world. And only 23 months to wait.”

Women of Duck Dynasty To Appear In Nude Calendar

Posted on June 2, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

CHICAGO — Mrs. Phil Robertson AKA Miss Kay has just announced that Willie’s wife Korie and Jase’s wife Missy have agreed to appear in a 2015 Calendar to be named The Women of Duck Dynasty.

Kay said that Jeptha’s wife Jessica, who is a model, will also be gracing the pages of the calendar.

Miss Kay spoke with Pia Confetti, a reporter with Celebrity Globe Magazine and said that the women are all very excited.

She pointed out that the photos will not be totally nude but they will be about as close to being nude as a flea’s belly button is to its mouth.

Korie Robertson said that she was told that the photo shoot will be shot by the world’s number one photographer Picasso Mandolin.

Missy at first expressed concern that she felt that she would be too bashful to shed her clothes. She confessed to her husband Jase that she did not think she could go through with it.

He then told her what she would be getting paid and she yelled out, “Hot diggity dog, now where the hell is that picture-takin’ man at?”

Jessica was on board from the very beginning. He husband Jeptha told Miss Confetti that Jess has a fantastically sexy-looking body and she is not the least bit shy about showcasing it.

SIDENOTE: Miss Kay Robertson said that a portion of the proceeds from the sale of the calendar will be donated to The Bayou State Mosquito Spraying Agency.

Joe Rogan To Fight In The UFC

Posted on June 2, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LAS VEGAS, Nevada–

One of the favorites in the UFC community is stepping away from the microphone and heading into the octagon. According to sources within the UFC, Joe Rogan will be taking center stage in an upcoming UFC bout.

According to Rogan, the fight was scheduled due to a challenge by an un-named fighter.

“Basically, this fighter called me a bitch and said I wouldn’t step in to the ring,” said Rogan in an interview on Saturday afternoon. “So I convinced Dana [White] to let me fight and now I’m going to show this guy who the bitch is.”

Since the beginning of the UFC Rogan has been there in support, and even traveling with the organization before the company blew up. He cashed in a few favors with Dana White and now the fight is set to take center stage.

“There is a reason we have Joe on our team here in UFC, he isn’t just a personality, he is a great fighter with knowledge about the sport,” said White.

“I feel bad for the dude that called him out, because I promise Joe will knock the living shit out of him. He’s going to wish he challenged Joe in his other show Fear Factor rather than going into the octagon with him. I know I myself would rather eat a bull testicle then take a kick to the face from Rogan.”

Dana White has yet to make an official comment for the fight but it is expected that he will within the next week. A date for the event should be set sometime after.