FDA Recalls Imported Honey Made From High Fructose Corn Syrup and Epoxy

Posted on August 14, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Food and Drug Administration issued an immediate recall for a large shipment of honey imported from Mainland China that claims to contain ‘100% pure, delicious and natural honey,’ but is actually a mixture of high fructose corn syrup, petroleum-based solvents, resin, and artificial coloring and flavorings.

Marketed under the brand Tasty Swarm Honey, the product is said to cause immediate stomach distress and discomfort, with several people who’ve sampled the product saying they instantly felt sick. At least one person was hospitalized with food poisoning after consuming the honey.

Adding sweeteners to honey is an FDA-approved manufacturing process. Any honey product that is not labeled ‘100% Pure’ is allowed to contain additives, sweeteners, and extenders. Due to questions concerning possible adverse health effects, high fructose corn syrup, or HFCS, has come under increased scrutiny and examination over the years. Derived from converted cornstarch and cheaper to produce than refined sugar, it has dominated the worldwide sweetener market in recent years.

“With this particular product, it’s not a question of the quantity or quality of the artificial ingredients that were added,” said FDA Quality Control Officer Barbara Temple, “because the entire composition is artificial. There’s absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. Consuming this product could result in severe illness. In fact, there’s no way anyone could have possibly eaten this without having gotten violently ill. You’d be better off literally eating granulated sugar straight out of the bag by the spoon full.”

A routine FDA inquiry examining purity and quality standards of imported food items prompted an investigation and detailed analysis into the manufacturer’s products and practices.

“Recently,” said Temple, “we were informed that the Tasty Swarm company also manufactures epoxy, bathroom grout, industrial lubricants, glue, nail polish remover, and fabric softener, so our inspections were significantly stepped up after that discovery. We actually used their honey to repair a broken ceramic tile in our company bathroom, and it’s holding on strong. I wouldn’t advise eating it, or adding it to your morning tea.”

“Curiously, the company also manufactures cheese and canned soup,” continued Temple. “When we tested those products for contaminants, they were found to be top-notch – and completely delicious. It’s just this honey that they’re really getting wrong. It’s a sticky mess for Tasty Swarm, that’s for sure.”

“I ate most of the jar before I really started feeling sick,” said Joe Goldsmith, who was hospitalized with symptoms of food poisoning after eating Tasty Swarm. “I like to take honey and just pour it into a glass and sort of slurp it down with a straw. I got the honey at a local closeout discount store, but it was still in date, so I figured it would be okay. Actually, now that I think about it, the date said it didn’t expire until sometime in 2035.”

Retail store chains recalling the product from shelves include Albertson’s, Big M, Food City, and Publix. Tasty Swarm could not be reached for further comment, but a statement from a company representative said they would be “really surprised” if there were any problems with the honey, and that even Winnie The Pooh himself would be ecstatic to get stuck in a jar of their product.

Chain Reaction Heimlich Maneuver Saves Woman, Chokes Another

Posted on August 8, 2014 by DvanL

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Don’t call Carl McInerney a hero. The unassuming groundskeeper from Roslindale, MA is just a regular guy, to hear him tell it. But early last week his low-profile status instantly changed, when lifelong friends Jessica Hayes and Barbara “Bobbie” Clarke found themselves in trouble at an outdoor café.

“Bobbie and I were eating way too fast,” explained Hayes. Clarke had just returned from a week’s vacation in Bali. “I was telling her how I almost missed my plane home because I always run late. It’s like a running gag between us so we were laughing about it.”

Laughter turned to panic when Hayes showed signs of distress. “All of a sudden I look up,” recalled Clarke, “and Jess wasn’t laughing anymore. She was grabbing her throat and banging her hand on the table.”

That’s when McInerney unexpectedly joined them for lunch. “It was my first day at work at the Arboretum so I was kind of in a hurry to get over there,” Boston’s Arnold Arboretum is a much-loved public park, nature research facility and national landmark. “I saw one lady, she was screaming over there and the other lady was hunched all over the table choking.”

McInerney explained what happened next. “I ran over to the lady who was choking and did the Heimlich on her. So then the food comes flying out of her mouth toward the other lady who was right across from her, and the other lady’s got her mouth hanging wide open ‘cause she was in shock, I guess, from being a witness to the whole thing. So then the food comes flying out of the first lady’s mouth and goes right straight into her friend’s mouth, and gets stuck in her throat! So then this second lady starts choking and now she can’t breathe. I thought I was having a wicked nightmare or something.”

Instinct kicked in again, as McInerney quickly raced to the other side of the table and re-performed the lifesaving maneuver, this time on Clarke.

“I couldn’t believe it!” said Hayes, after regaining her breath. “It was a cherry tomato that got us both, which was kind of gross, but now we joke about it.”

“Yeah,” echoed Clarke. “We always say we share everything but this time it went too far!”

McInerney didn’t stay around long enough to receive the thanks he deserved. “I made it to work just on time and told my new boss what happened. They made me employee of the month the first day I was there! It was crazy, and I said, ‘Is this for real?’”

McInerney, Hayes, and Clarke plan to have lunch together soon, “But this time,” joked Hayes, “we’re going to make it a liquid lunch!”

McDonald’s Reveals Ingredients In Big Mac ‘Secret Sauce’; You Won’t Believe What’s In It

Posted on August 4, 2014 by JP

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

McDonald’s Corporation has always been a company of speculations and urban legends – everything from styrofoam being used in their shakes to kangaroo meat in their burgers. No matter what the rumor was, though, McDonald’s usually didn’t make a statement about it at all, choosing to remain quiet and ignore detractors. This morning, though, the company chose to make an announcement that would put an end to some speculation over a popular item on their menu.

Since the release of the iconic Big Mac, one of McDonald’s most popular menu items, people have been asking the same question for years: What is in that special sauce? Even the once-popular jingle for the burger, “Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun,” mentions it – but kept the tangy, sweet sauce ingredients a mystery. Even movies like Nickelodeon’s Good Burger parodied the “secret sauce” concept. It’s been talked about for years, but never publicly commented on by anyone from the restaurant.

Finally, after years of wondering, curiosity, and frustration, CEO Donald Thompson has put the debates to rest.

“It’s just Thousand Island dressing, salt, sugar, and generic Miracle Whip,” said Thompson. “Were you expecting it to be something super-special-secret? Sorry to disappoint. It’s good though, right? People have been saying for years that it was just dressing, but we thought it was something ‘special,’ and we wanted to keep it that way.”

An anonymous source from inside McDonald’s has said that Thompson finally announced the ingredients to the sauce because the company is planning on brining out a new, major food item that they say could very well replace the Big Mac as its flagship menu item.

“The new item, it’s not really a burger. Well, I don’t want to say too much,” said the source. “But think about this – would they really tell everyone what the ‘secret sauce’ was made of if there wasn’t something bigger and better coming down the pipeline? You’ll just have to wait and see.”

L.A. Hipsters Start Pop-Up Food Tent, Serve Old Food From Trash

Posted on July 11, 2014 by AlabamaWhitman

SILVER LAKE, California –

All across the nation, it has become more and more evident that a “hipster culture” has reached epic proportions. Young people who want to proclaim their individuality and separate themselves from mainstream society choose to conform to the ever-so-popular hipster way of life; a culture that holds firm beliefs on many things, including and especially food and drink.

Dining on all-natural, organic gourmet, the majority of hipsters consider themselves “foodies,” and many follow strict vegetarian, if not vegan, diets. While eating organic can be a path to healthier living, it is often drastically more expensive due to the absence of chemicals, hormones, pesticides, preservatives, and the costs of maintaining a higher standard of living conditions for livestock.

A young man recently set out to tackle the food issue plaguing both him, his girlfriend, and their small circle of other hipster friends.

“It’s real tough, ya know? A pair of Birks [Birkenstock sandals] can run you anywhere from $70-$120. And eating organic is the only way, man. It’s just the right way to live, ya know? But it’s like, really, really expensive, right?” says Tate Lane, founder of “Not Too (res)Old Organic,” a new pop-up food tent in Los Angeles’ Silver Lake neighborhood. Lane is a professional finger painter and estimates that before his food tent took Silver Lake by storm, he was making roughly $50 a week between selling his art and picking up odd jobs. “I just wasn’t making enough money. But money isn’t important to me. I want to make that clear.”

Legally, once something is thrown away and taken to the curb or sidewalk to be picked up, it is no longer considered private property, and there is no expectation to privacy or ownership of any item that was discarded. While many cities have enacted stricter laws and heavier fines to deter dumpster diving, Los Angeles has yet to do so.

“I was walking past an organic gourmet market one night with my girl, and we watched them throw out bags upon bags of food. She dared me to eat something from [the trash] and I never turn down a dare. I opened up a bag, and to my surprise, there was plenty of food that was, in my opinion, totally good. Some of it was unopened! I couldn’t justify all of this gourmet, organic food going to waste! I filled up my backpack and had a feast when I got home. That’s when I came up with my food tent idea.”

Lane and his girlfriend/partner Miranda Zimmerman (who he met at a Starbucks where Zimmerman worked as a barista) stay within legal bounds by searching through discarded bags at high-end, organic markets in their city the night before, and giving away their findings at their food tent; accepting donations only to avoid complicated rules and regulations attached to food sales.

Business is going well for the hip pair that’s paired at the hip. “I’m with my girl all day, everyday, ya know? We have the most popular food tent, and we always sell out. It’s the tits.” says Lane.

“We offer an innovative, affordable way of accessing the healthiest, high-end foods in addition to eliminating unnecessary waste. I guess we’re living the dream.” Comments Miranda, appearing to be the brains behind this operation.