ISIS Supporter In Houston Beaten Unconscious By Army Veteran

HOUSTON, Texas – ISIS Supporter In Houston Beaten Unconscious By Army Veteran

The Militants of the Islamic State in Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS) have lately become the most fanatical radical organization in the world. Cult-like recruiting tactics have gone global, with reports of American citizens lending support, and even traveling overseas to pledge their allegiance to the anti-American group.

Yesterday in Houston at Dodson Lake Park, one such supporter who had decided to speak out in favor of the terrorist organization and against America was beaten unconscious by a US Army veteran.

The anti-American speaker, whose name has been withheld until a security check can be fully completed, insisted he was exercising his Constitutional freedom of speech rights when he began approaching strangers at the popular water park/playground and quoting from the pro-ISIS leaflets he was handing out.

Vietnam and Gulf War war veteran Jim McDaniels, 61, was spending the day with his wife and twin granddaughters when he noticed a man who he described as ‘a little jumpy’ walking up to everyone handing out leaflets.  “He walked over to us, kind of pushed the thing in our face and said ‘spread the word,’ so I took it,” explained McDaniels. “Then he started to walk away.  The paper had all these symbols on it, pictures of ISIS guards and a map of the United States with a big red X on it next to a frowny face.  ‘Is this shit for real?’ I asked him. I never swear, mind you. But it was so hateful it got under my skin. That’s why I decided to tell this guy to get lost,” said McDaniels.

The vet walked over to the unidentified speaker and asked him to stop handing out the anti-American material.  “I was telling him for his own good – you don’t pick a place like Houston to start talking against the government – you’re gonna get your butt kicked. I just wanted him to get the hell away.”

The protester didn’t take kindly to the advice offered to him by McDaniels. “He got in my face,” said McDaniels, “and started saying it’s his right to say whatever he wants, the US has oppressed people all over the world, blah blah blah and all this other junk.  I fought for his right to speak in not one but two wars, and told him so. Once he found out I was a veteran, he started calling me a traitor, and that’s when I lost it.  I clocked the guy – one punch and boom down he went.  My family stepped in and pulled me away.”

Now the protester is suing McDaniels. “It doesn’t surprise me a bit,” said the veteran. “I knocked the guy out cold.  It’s funny, though, because if he’s so anti-America, he certainly isn’t showing it by doing the most American thing there is and taking me to court.”

As for the lawsuit, McDaniels isn’t worried.  “Believe it or not, I’m not mad at the guy.  I’m sure he’s harmless, but severely misguided, obviously. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’ve got a lawyer, we’ll figure something out, but I don’t think he’ll be coming around the park again any time soon.”

President Obama To Offer Asylum, Health Care Options To ISIS Members

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Will Offer Asylum, Health Care Options To ISIS Members

A White House official confirmed this morning that President Barack Obama will be delivering a speech on Friday evening explaining his plan to offer asylum and free health care to ISIS members, with hopes of dismantling the organization by getting members to leave their fellow fighters and home country to seek refuge in the United States.

President Obama, who sources say already expects some backlash on his decision to ‘kill ISIS with kindness,’ says that he feels that he knows what is best for the US, and will be pushing the bill through in the next couple of weeks while Congress takes its recurring 7 week recess.

“I have done many great things as President of this country,” said Obama via written brief statement to the press, “But ISIS members, terrorists in general, they need to know they are not stuck in their evil ways. We as a country have plenty of room to accept all people, and I am opening our borders and our metaphoric arms to them by offering asylum, jobs, and healthcare. Killing them with kindness, breaking down the walls, is what we need to do to beat these villains. I want everyone to love this country as much as I do.”

“I do not agree with the President’s plan. It is moronic. He is inviting some of the cruelest, hate filled people into our country, and then offering them free health care,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry. “If there was ever a way to make your numbers go down in the popularity polls, this would be it.”

President Obama says will go more into detail on Friday about what exactly he plans to offer the former ISIS members that decide to leave their home country and come to the U.S. According to reports, the President expects to start receiving the first refugees by the end of the month.

The Secret To How ISIS Is Gaining Support And Funds From Around The Globe

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Secret To How ISIS Is Gaining Support And Funds From Around The Globe

Lead investigators from the Department of Defense have finally straightened out how exactly terrorist group ISIS is getting most of their money.

“It’s amazing to me, that this day and age, this idea didn’t occur to us before scraping the bottom of the barrel,” said DOD Defense Secretary Robert Gates. “As it turns out, this militant group are using self-made crowd funding websites to create and distribute their propaganda, and raise funds to continue their reign of terror. They seek support via the internet from regions they know will listen and back their ideals, and then provide links to their internet pages to those areas. They have secretly amassed billions of dollars for weapons, research and development – and lately most has been  related to destroying the ‘American Pigs’, who they say should ‘never have gotten involved in their business.'”

With the Pentagon learning of the ISIS crowd funding sources, the Department of Defense has been in a panic.  “They are doing crazy things on these sites,” Says Gates. “Just like Kickstarter and most other crowd funding sites, ISIS is offering perks for donations of different levels. The perks start small; ISIS t-shirts and ‘I SUPPORT ISIS’ bumper stickers, but the bigger the donation, the more horrific the perk, including specified bombings and attacks if you donate $250,000 or more. Their end goal is to get enough money to purchase rockets capable of oceanic flight. We are currently looking into which country they may purchase from once they reach their goal.”

After acquiring all of this information, the DOD has now launched a task force whose sole purpose is finding these crowd funding sites and taking them down permanently.  “While it doesn’t erase the problem, it definitely puts a damper on their plans,” Says Gates. “We’re actually reaching out to members of Anonymous to help us, which is something I never thought I’d have to say out loud. At this point in time, though, better to help fight a foreign enemy with, essentially, a domestic enemy, than to not fight at all. I just hope we can eradicate the problem before they discover what kinds of support they could gain by creating a Facebook group.”

Osama bin Laden Found Alive In Pennsylvania Amish Community

LANCASTER COUNTY, Pennsylvania – Osama bin Laden Found Alive In Pennsylvanian Amish Community

Spokesperson Mikal Anaba of the National Security Agency has confirmed that Osama bin Laden was not killed by Seal Team Six as originally thought, as has been found living in an Amish community located in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

“We have been following leads for the past several months based on the belief  that Osama bin Laden was alive and well, and living in the United States. After several tips about a man toting around a ‘machine’ in an Amish community in Pennsylvania, a thorough investigation revealed that this was indeed bin Laden, and the machine in question was a dialysis machine,” Anaba told the Associated Press early this morning.

From 2001 to 2011, bin Laden was the prime target of the United States’ war on terror. The Federal Bureau of Investigation put a $25 million bounty on bin Laden as ‘America’s Most Wanted’ killer. On May 2, 2011, it had been believed that bin Laden was shot and killed inside his private residence in Abbottabad, Pakistan by members of the United States Naval Special Warfare Development Group in a covert operation ordered by United States President Barack Obama.

Spokesperson Anaba did not reveal where bin Laden was being held currently, but insisted that ‘swift action’ would be taken, and the mastermind terrorist would be dealt with immediately.

“He will be handled in a timely manner, as soon as it is declared that he can not or will not provide any useful information on the current state of terrorism,” Anaba stated.

Many Americans had been feeling that bin Laden may be alive after the so-called raid and shooting had taken place in 2011, and no photographic or video proof has surfaced to prove that he was, indeed, deceased. When asked whether there would be evidence to prove to the American people that this was indeed Osama bin Laden, Anaba told the press, “I promise to you that we have Osama bin Laden in custody, this is strictly an operation of the United States government and it will be handled within our own walls.”

“Can we provide proof? Of course we can,” continued Anaba. “We can always provide proof when we need to. Will we provide proof? It is not our job to decide. That will be up to President Obama and his administration. Until then, I can only confirm that Osama bin Laden is in the custody of the United States government and that he will be handled and dealt with a very swift manner of action.”

Speculation of bin Laden’s acquaintance to the terror group known as ISIS has been considered since it was discovered he was living in the United States, however Anaba denied to comment on the matter.

“I cannot confirm nor deny that we may or may not believe ISIS is connected with Osama bin Laden. This issue will not be addressed in a public manner at this time,” Anaba added. “To be quite honest, you’re all lucky we’re even telling you that we found him in the first place. This whole thing could have been really hush-hush, and you’d all just assume he’d been dead since 2011. Next time you think your government is hiding secrets from you, remember this situation and know that – okay, yeah, we keep things from you all the time. Never mind.”

HASBRO Threatens ISIS With Lawsuit, Claims Copyright Infringement

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island – HASBRO Threatens ISIS With Lawsuit, Claims Copyright Infringement3

In a press release from international toy company Hasbro, company executives say that are ‘strongly considering’ a lawsuit against militant terrorist group ISIS, who the company says have ‘stolen the look and nature’ of G.I. Joe characters COBRA.

“For decades, G.I. Joe have been the ‘Real American Heroes,’ and they have fought against their nemesis COBRA, a group of violent terrorists who often wear hooded masks while performing their heinous tasks,” said George Prime, legal spokesman for HASBRO. “With the recent media coverage of the soulless terrorist group ISIS in Iraq and Syria, we were able to get a rather good look at their wardrobe, and we couldn’t believe that they’d resign to using COBRA costumes.”

HASBRO has owned the creative rights to G.I. Joe since 1964, and the toy line has seen many iterations, including action figures, a Saturday morning cartoon, and more recently, a series of feature films.

“Throughout all of it, though, we have owned the rights to names and likenesses, and that includes dark, hooded masks, at least when they are being used in a terrorist or menacing nature,” said Prime.

The company has sent an ultimatum to ISIS leaders to change their look, or they will bring legal action.

ISIS, short for the militant group named Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, have been waging an offensive that have seen large chunks of Northern Iraq fall out of government hands. ISIS is an al Qaeda splinter group that wants to establish an Islamic state that would stretch from Iraq into northern Syria.

“In the G.I. Joe world, COBRA is run by an evil, shadowy figure aptly named Cobra Commander. In the real world, ISIS is also run by a shadowy operative, and although it is not 100% known if he partakes in the same dark headwear often, one can only assume that he’s taking cues directly from our action figure line. We at HASBRO can only hope that they are, because in the end that means those monstrous sons of bitches will be quickly dispatched by real military heroes.”

HASBRO says that they have sent multiple messages to try to meet with ISIS leaders, but to no avail.

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