President Trump Admits Reason He Banned Transgenders From Serving Is Because He Has Begun Transitioning To a Woman

Posted on July 31, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Donald Trump has admitted that the real reason he banned transgenders in the military is because he has begun his transition into a woman, and said he was “scared” he might have to serve in the military.

“I already dodged the draft, made my way through life without ever having to serve in the military, so there was no way I was going to ever have to deal with possibly engaging in real combat,” said President Trump. “It worked out that I was planning on becoming a woman, as I’ve known for some time that I was not comfortable as a man. I mean, I’m not a faggy peter-puffer or anything. I still love grabbing women by the pussy. I just like to tuck it back and throw on a nice dress.”

When he was informed that he is well past the age of being drafted in the likely case that he leads the country into war, Trump was noticeably embarrassed.

“Nobody tells me anything about how this stuff actually works,” said our Commander-in-Chief. “Either way, I cannot wait for everyone to meet the new Donald. I think I’m going to go with the name Donna.”

President Trump ‘Pre-Pardons’ Himself For All Crimes He Plans To Commit While in Office

Posted on July 26, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a major move by a sitting president, Donald Trump has “pre-pardoned” himself before he commits any crimes while in office.

“There is a good chance, if I continue on the track I’m going, that there are going to be a lot of different crimes happening, and a few of them will be pretty serious,” said Trump in a statement to the press. “So I’ve taken measures to protect myself and my cabinet from prosecution should the crimes happen.”

A sitting president has, for the most part, the legal ability to pardon nearly any criminal they wish, but it is used very sparingly. This is the first time a president has ever pardoned themselves. The ACLU has a team of lawyers confirming the legality of Trump’s pardon.

“We really don’t think this is legal at all,” said ACLU president Carl Grover. “We are looking into it. It’s such a stupid thing, no one has ever done it before, we’re not even sure how well it can hold up. But knowing Trump, he’s probably changed or removed enough other laws to somehow make this legal. He’s clearly the king of the loophole.”

President Trump Was Caught Making DISTURBING Comments About Senator John McCain’s Illness

Posted on July 20, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump was caught in an off-mic moment after a speech yesterday being asked about Senator McCain, and how he was doing.

“I don’t know, I haven’t heard how he was doing,” said Trump. “All I know is that his brain tumor has been taken care of. You know, if I had a tumor, it would have been much larger. It would have been way harder to get rid of. I would have the best tumor you’ve ever seen. You know, some people get tumors and they get sick, but not me. I’d have a tumor that just made me stronger. It would be the biggest, and it would be the best.”

Sessions scheduled for this week in the Senate were postponed while Senator McCain recovered from his surgery. His doctors say that he is doing “extremely well.”

Senator McCain reportedly did not have any response to President Trump’s comments, but his wife was quoted as saying she “isn’t at all surprised” that the President would make such “stupid goddamn comments.”

Hillary Clinton Undergoes Sex Change Operation So She Has a ‘Better Chance’ At Winning 2020 Election

Posted on June 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Hillary Clinton has reportedly began taking hormone injections in preparation for a sex change operation she will have this fall. The change is being performed because Hillary believes that her chances are “exponentially better” of winning the 2020 election if she is a man.

“The reason I lost the election to Donald Trump is because I am not a man,” said Hillary to a rally of nearly 11 people in South Dakota. “If I had a penis, I would have stood a chance. Being a woman has done nothing for me in my career, and it’s time there is a big change made. A big, thick, veiny change.”

Hillary’s doctor, Dr. Marvin Richards, said that he has tried to talk Clinton out of the operation, but with no results.

“She really wants to go through with this. She’s a grown woman with a lot of money, so I won’t stop her,” said Dr. Richards. “She honestly believes that if she becomes a man – even though she’ll still be her when it comes to policies and government and opinions – will help her to become president. If she thinks so, more power to her. Frankly, I think she should just cut her losses now and retire to the beach, but hey – what do I know? I’m just a voter.”

Hillary has already begun the conversion via hormones and other drugs, and the surgery will take place in the fall. She plans to “fully expose” her/his new look come January.

BREAKING: President Trump Secretly Bought Hundreds of Satire and Fake News Websites, Paid Owners MILLIONS To Help Him Get Elected

Posted on June 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In some shocking news released this morning, it has been revealed that President Trump secretly bought out over 300 different fake news websites, including The News Examiner, National Report, and The Onion in hopes of controlling writers and owners, and paying them to write stories that could “get him elected.”

“Major ‘real’ news sources are good and all, but sometimes you need a little help from the other sector,” said Paul Horner, a hoax purveyor and massive internet satirist who owns dozens of fake news websites. “I write fake news, and I write it because there are things in life that piss me off. I use my stories to make people look stupid, because most people are stupid. But when someone came to me with a big fat check, and said ‘help us get this Cheeto into office,’ I couldn’t possibly say no.”

Horner says that he was paid several hundred thousand in exchange for his fake news websites publishing content that was either “pro-Trump,” or “anti-Trump haters.” Other sites reportedly also received large, fat checks.

“In retrospect, I kind of hate myself for helping him get elected,” said Bob The Empire News Potato, Editor-in-Chief of Empire News. “I mean yeah, the money is great. I bought a huge mansion and a couple cars. I’ve got 2 kids in college, so it was nice to just pay all that off. Then my wife and I took a tour around Europe a couple times. We went to Mexico on a 2 month cruise. All of that has been amazing. But I’d give it all back if I had known just how lousy he was really going to be for this country.”

When reached for comment, President Trump said that “any stories of using fake news to get elected are fake news.”

Trump Reportedly Changed Every Toilet In The White House Because He Didn’t Want To Use The Same Ones As Obama

Posted on June 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

An anonymous staffer from within the White House has confirmed that President Trump has had every toilet in the building replaced since moving in, in an effort to not have to “shit in the same pot” as former president Obama.

“He not only replaced them all, he replaced all the porcelain with gold toilets,” said the staffer. “It’s kind of ridiculous. But it wasn’t about showing off his affluence, it was all because he didn’t want to sit anywhere that Obama sat. He thinks he might ‘catch something,’ because Obama is black, and by his logic, probably has AIDs or other diseases.”

President Trump had no comment on the toilet change-over, except to say that he thought that they looked “much nicer” the new way.

Trump Awards Most Prestigious Education Award, The President’s Academic Medal, To Son Barron

Posted on June 27, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an act of unprecedented nepotism, President Trump gave his son Barron the most prestigious award available to a child enrolled in public school, The President’s Academic Medal.

The award, which is given out once yearly to a student nominated by a teacher and a principal in a public grade or middle school, also comes with a tax-funded $75,000 scholarship to college.

“It is with great pleasure that I award the President’s Academic Medal to my son, Barron Trump, who is without a doubt the most deserving student to have ever received this award. I am pleased that he was nominated by his teacher, also known as his mother Melania, and his principal – myself, Donald Trump. It shows that he is extremely smart, almost as smart as his dad. He’s definitely the smartest of my children, at least my children under 20 years old. He’s also a very handsome, beautiful young man, just like his dad was at that age. I’m so glad to have the privilege of giving him this award.”

Barron accepted the award by looking bored and tired, and playing with his fidget spinner. He was not asked to speak publicly.

White House Doctor Says That ‘Stress of the Job’ Is Killing President Trump

Posted on June 27, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump wasn’t exactly a young man when he took the office of the President in January, but now, White House doctors are saying that the extreme stress of the job is putting an extreme strain on Trump, and he might not have much time left at this rate.

“His heart is working overtime, and his stress levels are through the roof,” said Dr. Mario George, Trump’s personal physician. “His blood pressure is over twice the levels it was before he took office. At this rate, and with his age and lavish lifestyle, he is a perfect candidate for a stroke within the next year.”

For his credit, President Trump called reports of his failing health “fake news,” and said he’s feeling better than ever.

“Yes, I said that this job was a lot harder than my old one, and that I miss my old life,” said Trump. “Yes, I look more tired and I’ve already put on some weight. Yes, my body is falling apart and I can no longer keep an erection without pills, but that doesn’t mean I am ready to go. I will be your president for at least another 7 years, I promise you that!”

BREAKING: Trump Tweets About ‘Getting Away With Everything’, Brags He’ll Never Get Impeached

Posted on June 23, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump reportedly made an “accidental” tweet that many are assuming was meant to be a text message in the early hours Friday morning, and everyone – Democrats and Republicans alike – are going insane about it.

The tweet seemed to be meant to be a private message or a text, although it’s unclear who the President was talking to.

It’s so weird how I’m getting away with everything. Dems have NOTHING on me even with all the shit I say and do. They’ll never impeach. haha

The post has since been removed, and there has been no public comment from Trump or the White House.

“Frankly, I’m not surprised. I mean, we all know he’s a piece of shit scumbag – he’s been proving that for years,” said John Morley (D-Georgia). “Now we’re just getting actual proof from the man himself. Even Republican friends of mine think it might be time to start figuring out how to get him out.”

Anonymous CIA Operative Reveals TRUE Meaning of Trump’s ‘Covfefe’ Tweet – And It’s HUGE!

Posted on May 31, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

An anonymous, undercover CIA operative has come forward with leaked information about Trump’s late-night “covfefe” tweet, stating that is has a much darker meaning than anyone thought.

“It has been speculated that it was merely a typing or Swype error, and that Trump meant to type ‘coverage’ in his tweet, but this is nothing so simple,” said the source. “covfefe is the top-secret code that only the President can use to gain access to Area 51. It is only supposed to be spoken by the President to the agent in charge of the site, and was not meant for mass human knowledge. Frankly, this information could be extremely damaging to our enemies.”

The source went on to say that the same code has been used for each president, and that there are “no measures in place” to contact Area 51 and let them know that the codeword needs to be changed.

“Basically, this code will gain anyone and everyone top secret clearance into Area 51,” said the source. “And yes, we have aliens. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what is being held in those bunkers. If anyone know what ‘covfefe’ actually meant, they could conceivably bring down the entire US government. You definitely should not publish this information.”