OJ Simpson’s Parole Was Just PULLED After Prison Guards Find This DISTURBING Item In His Cell

juice

LOVELOCK, Nevada – 

O.J. Simpson was granted parole this morning in a unanimous vote at Lovelock Prison in Nevada, but in an emergency session, Simpson’s parole was just pulled after police reportedly found a hit list in his cell.

The notebook, which was hidden under a loose piece of tile in Simpson’s cell, was reportedly titled “People I’d kill if I ever get out of Prison,” and listed people like Judge Glass, who sentenced Simpson to 33 years in prison for his role in the armed robbery that got him arrested.

Other names on the list included Joe Biden, Robin Williams, and Carl Sagan.

“Some of the names were slightly outdated, and had been scratched out, like Robin Williams,” said prison warden Gus Varney. “Still, we cannot take any chances that this list, which was very well detailed with how the crimes would be committed, is just fiction or fantasy.”

Simpson says that the “hit list” was nothing more than stories, much like his book that was published detailing the murder of Nicole Simpson, titled If I Did It. 

“I wrote that book, and it was just a joke. Like, you know, if I killed Nicole, you know, how it might have happened, but it was still just a story,” said Simpson. “This is the same thing. Man, when you’ve been in prison for nearly a decade, you have to do something to keep your mind occupied. Me, I write murder stories. Why would I ever want to kill Robin Williams for real? The man is a treasure.”

Simpson was depressed to find out that Robin Williams had already died after committing suicide a few years ago. Simpson’s next parole hearing will be in 2022.

President Trump Was Caught Making DISTURBING Comments About Senator John McCain’s Illness

mccain

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump was caught in an off-mic moment after a speech yesterday being asked about Senator McCain, and how he was doing.

“I don’t know, I haven’t heard how he was doing,” said Trump. “All I know is that his brain tumor has been taken care of. You know, if I had a tumor, it would have been much larger. It would have been way harder to get rid of. I would have the best tumor you’ve ever seen. You know, some people get tumors and they get sick, but not me. I’d have a tumor that just made me stronger. It would be the biggest, and it would be the best.”

Sessions scheduled for this week in the Senate were postponed while Senator McCain recovered from his surgery. His doctors say that he is doing “extremely well.”

Senator McCain reportedly did not have any response to President Trump’s comments, but his wife was quoted as saying she “isn’t at all surprised” that the President would make such “stupid goddamn comments.”

 

 

Hillary Clinton Undergoes Sex Change Operation So She Has a ‘Better Chance’ At Winning 2020 Election

hillary

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton has reportedly began taking hormone injections in preparation for a sex change operation she will have this fall. The change is being performed because Hillary believes that her chances are “exponentially better” of winning the 2020 election if she is a man.

“The reason I lost the election to Donald Trump is because I am not a man,” said Hillary to a rally of nearly 11 people in South Dakota. “If I had a penis, I would have stood a chance. Being a woman has done nothing for me in my career, and it’s time there is a big change made. A big, thick, veiny change.”

Hillary’s doctor, Dr. Marvin Richards, said that he has tried to talk Clinton out of the operation, but with no results.

“She really wants to go through with this. She’s a grown woman with a lot of money, so I won’t stop her,” said Dr. Richards. “She honestly believes that if she becomes a man – even though she’ll still be her when it comes to policies and government and opinions – will help her to become president. If she thinks so, more power to her. Frankly, I think she should just cut her losses now and retire to the beach, but hey – what do I know? I’m just a voter.”

Hillary has already begun the conversion via hormones and other drugs, and the surgery will take place in the fall. She plans to “fully expose” her/his new look come January.

 

BREAKING: President Trump Secretly Bought Hundreds of Satire and Fake News Websites, Paid Owners MILLIONS To Help Him Get Elected

fake news

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In some shocking news released this morning, it has been revealed that President Trump secretly bought out over 300 different fake news websites, including The News Examiner, National Report, and The Onion in hopes of controlling writers and owners, and paying them to write stories that could “get him elected.”

“Major ‘real’ news sources are good and all, but sometimes you need a little help from the other sector,” said Paul Horner, a hoax purveyor and massive internet satirist who owns dozens of fake news websites. “I write fake news, and I write it because there are things in life that piss me off. I use my stories to make people look stupid, because most people are stupid. But when someone came to me with a big fat check, and said ‘help us get this Cheeto into office,’ I couldn’t possibly say no.”

Horner says that he was paid several hundred thousand in exchange for his fake news websites publishing content that was either “pro-Trump,” or “anti-Trump haters.” Other sites reportedly also received large, fat checks.

“In retrospect, I kind of hate myself for helping him get elected,” said Bob The Empire News Potato, Editor-in-Chief of Empire News. “I mean yeah, the money is great. I bought a huge mansion and a couple cars. I’ve got 2 kids in college, so it was nice to just pay all that off. Then my wife and I took a tour around Europe a couple times. We went to Mexico on a 2 month cruise. All of that has been amazing. But I’d give it all back if I had known just how lousy he was really going to be for this country.”

When reached for comment, President Trump said that “any stories of using fake news to get elected are fake news.”

 

Ted Cruz Arrested In Massive Sex Ring Scandal – He’s Secretly Been PIMPING!

pimp

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Ted Cruz was arrested Thursday morning at his home in Washington after what police are calling a “massive” investigation that has spanned nearly a year.

According to reports, the FBI and local law enforcement have been investigating a huge sex ring in the D.C. area, and on Thursday they arrest nearly 200 people involved in the operation, from bookkeepers to prostitutes to their pimps.

One of the names of the arrested stands out more than others, as it appears Ted Cruz was arrested along with the rest of the lowlifes, allegedly for pimping girls for the last several years.

“Oh man, Daddy Cruz, Big Daddy Cruz he likes us to call ’em, ohh, he’s a good daddy to me and my girls,” said bottom bitch Diamond Glitter. “I been working for Mr. Daddy Cruz for about 10 monfs, and he just always been da best. He don’t hit me, nothing like that. I ax him for something, he usually give it. No other pimp treat me dis good before.”

According to Diamond, Cruz was bringing in an estimated $45,000 a month in his cut from the massive number of women he pimped, with a lot of politicians being clients.

“I aint’ allowed to talk about who my mouf been on, but it’s pretty damn near much all them politician guys in the White House,” said Diamond. “They pay a lot, tip big. Business been good as hell to me. This really damn sucks we all going to jail.”

Cruz was arrested and released on $100,000 bail. Neither he nor his lawyers could be reached for comment.

Facebook Announces Purchase of Trader Joe’s

joes

COSTA MESA, California – 

Not to be outdone by Amazon, who recently purchase Whole Foods, Facebook announced today their purchase of Trader Joe’s, the “hippie lite” version of Whole Foods.

“Amazon may have Whole Foods, but we’ll see you at Joe’s,” said Facebook founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg. “Facebook has officially announced their purchase of the entire chain of Trader Joe’s Food Stores.”

Zuckerberg said he has been a “huge fan” of the store for years, and was happy when the company agreed to sell, reportedly for $800 million.

“I have been shopping there for years, any time I need groceries, it’s my go-to location,” said Zuckerberg. “I want everyone to know that we will not change a thing about the stores, with the exception of the color scheme. The awful greens they use on everything will, naturally, be replaced with Facebook blue. We will also be phasing out the delis, we will no longer be carrying wine or any other alcohol, and we will switch to using a single supplier nationwide, as opposed to using local foods. This will save us tons, and we will pass that on to you!”

The changeover of the stores will begin to take place in October.

Snapchat Is Secretly Storing Every Picture That’s Taken – And Then Selling Them On The Black Market!

snapchat

VENICE, California –

A hacker who goes by the name of Mr. Kitty has reportedly stumbled across code in the Snapchat app that proves that the company is storing every single picture that is taken on the app, but what he says they are doing with it is BEYOND terrifying.

“Snapchat is secretly storing every single picture taken. Whether it is a funny picture of your dog, a picture of your dinner, a comedic video, or nude pictures you’re sending to your boyfriend, Snapchat is saving them all,” said Mr. Kitty. “After I discovered this, I accessed their servers, which are some of the largest I have ever seen. It was there I discovered that they take the pictures, and send them to individuals and companies all over the world, for a profit.”

Mr. Kitty believes that the images are worth millions of dollars, because they can lead directly to marketing opportunities to help companies sell to individuals. The other side, of course, is black market pornography.

“There is an entire world of underground porn that is made up of pictures and videos from Snapchat,” said Mr. Kitty. “If you have ever taken a picture of yourself naked with the app, chances are good that you’re being sold in the underground.”

Snapchat said that they had “no idea” what Mr. Kitty was talking about, and that the app clearly does not store any pictures.

“We have been asked this billions of times and no, we keep nothing,” said a Snapchat spokesman. “It would defeat the purpose if we did. Obviously the app was created, originally, with the intent to send nudes, but now we’re a publicly traded company. We can’t afford to screw that up just by selling pictures of your chicken dinner to the black market.”

Trump Reportedly Changed Every Toilet In The White House Because He Didn’t Want To Use The Same Ones As Obama

gold

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

An anonymous staffer from within the White House has confirmed that President Trump has had every toilet in the building replaced since moving in, in an effort to not have to “shit in the same pot” as former president Obama.

“He not only replaced them all, he replaced all the porcelain with gold toilets,” said the staffer. “It’s kind of ridiculous. But it wasn’t about showing off his affluence, it was all because he didn’t want to sit anywhere that Obama sat. He thinks he might ‘catch something,’ because Obama is black, and by his logic, probably has AIDs or other diseases.”

President Trump had no comment on the toilet change-over, except to say that he thought that they looked “much nicer” the new way.

 

Police Officer Who Killed Philando Castile Shot By Even Whiter Cop During Routine Traffic Stop

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HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

Jeronimo Yanez, the police officer who was found not guilty of murder in the shooting death of an African-American motorist, Philando Castille, was shot this morning in a eerily similar manner.

According to police in Huntsville, Alabama, Yanez was passing through the town on his way to visit family in New England, when he was stopped by local officer for speeding, and driving with excessively tinted windows.

“He stopped, and I asked him to roll down his window,” said officer Barry Smith, a decorated veteran on the force with nearly 25 years and a spotless record. “He did, and immediately started to tell me he was a cop, he was a cop, and that I should let him go.”

According to Smith, Yanez then proceeded to reach for “his badge,” which was laying on the seat next to him. The seat also contained a gun.

“I told him to keep his hands where I could see them, and not reach for the gun, but he kept reaching,” said Smith. “He laughed, and reached again, and said ‘Oh this old thing,’ and went for it…so I drew my weapon and fired.”

Smith fired his weapon into the car 4 times, hitting Yanez in the arm twice, the chest once, and the leg once. Although he was severely injured, the spots in which he was hit were not causing life threatening injuries.

“Smith is the best officer we have and, frankly, he didn’t know who he was dealing with,” said Chief Mario Richards. “Mr. Yanez is rather dark skinned for these parts, and it really made Officer Smith afraid. I cannot blame him for shooting Yanez at all. He will not be reprimanded for doing his job to the best of his abilities.”

Yanez is recovering in an Alabama hospital.

Trump Awards Most Prestigious Education Award, The President’s Academic Medal, To Son Barron

barron

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an act of unprecedented nepotism, President Trump gave his son Barron the most prestigious award available to a child enrolled in public school, The President’s Academic Medal.

The award, which is given out once yearly to a student nominated by a teacher and a principal in a public grade or middle school, also comes with a tax-funded $75,000 scholarship to college.

“It is with great pleasure that I award the President’s Academic Medal to my son, Barron Trump, who is without a doubt the most deserving student to have ever received this award. I am pleased that he was nominated by his teacher, also known as his mother Melania, and his principal – myself, Donald Trump. It shows that he is extremely smart, almost as smart as his dad. He’s definitely the smartest of my children, at least my children under 20 years old. He’s also a very handsome, beautiful young man, just like his dad was at that age. I’m so glad to have the privilege of giving him this award.”

Barron accepted the award by looking bored and tired, and playing with his fidget spinner. He was not asked to speak publicly.

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