WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The CDC is warning of a deadly new disease, dubbed on the streets as Super AIDs, which is killing people at an extreme rate. So far, there have been more than 2800 deaths through the United States, and thus far, doctors and researchers are stumped on a possible cure.
How the disease is contracted is yet unknown, but it causes extreme loss of motor functions, as well as skin blistering and swelling. People have also been noted to lose their teeth and show severe gum rot. Hair and fingernails have also been seen to begin to fall out.
“This disease is the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in my entire 47 years as a doctor,” said Dr. Kyle Chandler, a medical researcher at the Center For Disease Control in Washington, D.C. “We have no idea how to treat this illness, and we don’t know what’s causing it. The people come from all walks of life, and there doesn’t seem to be any connection between their living situations or lifestyles. We’re working diligently, but we’re at a loss.”
The CDC warns that if you begin to exhibit any of the signs of the disease, to see a medical professional immediately.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A white college professor at Boston College, Mark Ryder, 38, underwent over 200 hours of expensive cosmetic surgery to look “as black as possible,” with hopes that he could prove to his Ethics in Law class that there was no such thing as a racial bias by police, and that the media like to hype up issues with African Americans by police.
According to reports, though, Ryder was shot and later arrested by police after he tried to leave his doctor’s office and walk to his own car across the street.
“My client was simply walking to his car, which happened to be a brand new Tesla, and was stopped by police,” said Ryder’s lawyer, Carlton Fisher. “They assumed he was stealing it, and despite when being asked to show his hands and complying, officers shot Mr. Ryder twice. He was struck in the arm and the ribs.”
Police reports show that Ryder was “not cooperative” with police requests, and was shot after an officer believed he was reaching for a weapon. Naturally, the officer’s body camera was switched off.
Ryder has since been released from prison, and is planning a lawsuit against the Boston PD. He has also retired from teaching Ethics in Law, stating that “English is a much easier, more straight-forward class.”
PALM BEACH, Florida –
President Trump has spent most of his winter vacation golfing with friends and family at Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, but on his latest outing, the President was caught with his pants up…when perhaps they should have been down.
According to photographers at the golf game, President Trump was on the 13th hole and right after teeing off, he let out “a massive, wet, drippy fart sound.”
“It was simultaneously hilarious and disgusting,” said Chris Robbins, the photographer who captured the immediate aftermath. “I wasn’t getting any really good shots throughout the day, but then I heard Trump rip one, really hard and really wet. I look over, and he has literally shit himself. It was made even more hilarious because, like most dipshit golfers, he was wearing stupid clothes – white pants!”
Robbins was able to get a great shot of the President being scurried away by a member of his staff and his caddy, with brown streaks running down the back of his pants.
“I honestly think this picture might win me a Pulitzer,” said Robbins. “It’s far and away the best thing I’ve ever taken. So many of the other guys bought me beers in the Mar-A-Lago club lounge after this photo was published, I could barely stand up. Hell, I almost shit myself.”
The President had no comment on the incident, and maintained that “it never happened.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In a shocking, unprecedented move, President Trump has made an announcement from the White House early this morning that had rattled the entire nation.
“It’s time that I quit tweeting,” said President Trump to a room of Associated Press reporters. “Throughout 2017, it has been a source of continued embarrassment for me, as I try and say and do what any one of you would on your own accounts – I just wanted to speak my mind. Unfortunately, the Fake News outlets like CNN have used my tweets time and time again to twist my words and try and make me look bad. Well no more.”
Trump stated that his official account would continue to run, but that it would announce only breaking political and world news, and it would be completely run by staff members.
“I’m giving them the passwords, advising them to change them all, and I will no longer have access to my Twitter accounts,” said Trump. “It’s my 2018 new year’s resolution, and I will stick by it.”
In the meantime, Trump has taken to other social media websites and set up accounts, including on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Grindr.
“I had no idea what that last one was, but it seemed like it could be a good time,” said Trump.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A man has filed for divorce only hours into his own wedding night after panicking after discovering that his new wife was not exactly what “she” claimed to be.
Ken Spencer, 26, filed for a divorce with Tiana Smith, 28, only four hours into their wedding night, after discovering his partner had a penis.
The newlyweds, who are both devout Catholics, and had waited until marriage to partake in any sexual relationship, were about to consummate their vows, when Spencer discovered things were not “as they should be.”
“It’s short, stumpy and crooked. It leans on the right at a 45-degree angle, then curves back to the left. It’s definitely the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” he explained. “I thought that Tiana was a woman. She…he…whatever. There was no mention that he was a man.”
Divorce attorney Kevin Goldstein claims that his client was lied to about the sex of his partner, who had never told him that he was born a man, and still had a penis.
Spencer is also suing his former partner for $30,000, which is what he estimated was spent in wedding costs, plus a canceled $5,000 honeymoon trip to Hawaii.
“Tiana had sent me pics of her boobs and even a couple down-the-pants shots, and I still have them on my phone,” said Spencer. “She was definitely trying to deceive me. It was either someone else’s vagina, or she tucked it back. Either way, I’m sick just thinking about it. I’ll show them to the judge, and he’ll agree with me.”In many states, the fraudulent conduct of one spouse may provide grounds for divorce. The definition of fraud in the context of divorce law equates to one spouse “grossly misrepresenting issues so important that the other spouse would not have married him had she known the truth.”
CONCORD, New Hampshire
On Saturday evening at approximately 6 p.m., a mysterious light took over the skies in major US cities across the East Coast. People in New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and even parts of New York reported seeing a blue or green object streaking through the sky. Social media went crazy as well as news stations as people tried to figure out what was happening.
NASA reported on Twitter that the sighting was a result of a U.S. Navy test: “Light seen in OC sky was confirmed through John Wayne Airport tower to be a Naval test fire off the coast. No further details.”
On Sunday, police in several Eastern states had received nearly 845 missing persons reports of people who have just “disappeared.” 95% of the missing people reported by Sunday evening were women between the ages of 18 – 23. Police are saying they cannot confirm that the incident on Saturday evening has any connection to the missing persons reported.
“What happened on Saturday evening in California has nothing to do with the amount of people that have gone missing since then,” said Detective Ron Alvarez of the New Hampshire Missing Persons Bureau. “It was a missile that everyone saw on Saturday and that is that. It has been confirmed by the Federal Aviation Administration as a missile, and people need to leave it just as that. In the meantime, we are doing everything we can to find the people that are missing.”
Conspiracy theorists are not convinced by the government’s explanation of the enigmatic light after photos surfaced of strange, unknown creatures found dead in fields Western Maine. These theorists say that as quickly as these photos appear on Facebook, they are taken down.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Now that President Trump has successfully won the War on Christmas, he is setting his sights on another age-old advisory: The War on New Year’s Eve.
“It’s despicable that there are so many people wishing each other a ‘Happy New Year,’ when they have no idea if I believe that next year is going to be better than this one,” said President Trump. “Liberals like to push their agenda, they want you to have a happy 2018. Well that’s not right, that’s not going to work for everyone. 2017 was a big year. The biggest year. I’m not saying 2018 can’t be a big year, but we can’t just go out assuming it’s going to be great, it’s going to be happy.”
Trump said that he has begun wishing people a “decent New Year” or an “Okay New Year,” and on at least one occasion, a “shitty New year.”
“I have no reason to wish that specific person a Happy New Year, and I don’t particularly want them to have a Happy 2018,” said Trump, not mentioning the person by name. “Frankly, though, this entire happy nonsense has got to stop. I’m officially declaring it dead, and killing this war on New Year’s.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
New Englanders, get ready. Although the snow and extremely cold temperatures have come quick this year, things are about to take a turn.
According to NOAA, a series of extreme winter storms are brewing off the coast, with all of them expected to hit most of New England by the middle of next week. The storms, dubbed “nor’easters” because of the direction they travel, will bring over ten feet of wet, packed snow between Tuesday and Thursday.
“I don’t want to go on record and say this is unprecedented, but it’s pretty close,” said NOAA weather researcher Mark Henry. “To get that much snow in such a small window of time is going to be hell for many people. Plus, because of the type of snow, we can expect massive and long-lasting power outages. It will be heavy and wet and packed, and downed trees and power lines will be almost a guarantee. This is absolutely the worst storm I’ve ever seen brewing in over 35 years as a weather researcher.”
Maine, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts are already calling for a state of emergency, and plow crews from nearby states and Canada are already being prepared to help with the storm.
“This is going to be the Big One,” said Henry. “Everyone get that bread and milk from the store – you’re going to need it.”
DECATUR, Alabama –
A Decatur man, 47-year-old Mark Perry, has found a legal loophole in Alabama law that will allow him to marry a 19-month-old baby. Perry, a lawyer for more than 20 years, said he discovered the loophole by accident almost a decade ago, but never thought that he, himself, would need it.
“It wasn’t until I met Charlene that I knew, we had to be together,” said Perry. “She’s absolutely the one for me, and there’s no one I’d rather spend the rest of my life with.”
The law in Alabama stipulates that a man must be of legal, consenting age to agree to marry, but the poor wording means that a woman could enter into marriage at any age. Because Charlene cannot sign her own name, though, her father will have to give consent and sign for her. Thankfully for Perry, Charlene is the daughter of his law partner, Craig Lewis. Lewis says that he is absolutely “overjoyed” at the thought of his long-time friend marrying his daughter.
“Frankly, I wish that they would have found each other sooner,” said Lewis. “I’ve never seen Charlene so happy before in all of her life. Most of the time, she cries and whines, but not when she’s with Mark. He’s the only one who can calm her down. It’s really amazing, their love is so pure and true.”
The couple are planning a spring wedding.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In an unplanned and quietly announced session at the White House on Friday, President Trump signed a bill reversing the gay marriage laws, and revoking the right for homosexuals to get married. The bill was signed only a short 20 minutes after Trump’s tax plan was made official.
“As a Christian, and as someone who wants America to be great again – as great as possible – I cannot, in good conscience, allow for gays to get married in this country,” said President Trump. “They will have to settle for just being boyfriends or girlfriends. That’s really all they need, anyway.”
The decision to reverse the law, which of course was created under Obama, comes as no surprise to Trump supporters, even the gay ones.
“I voted for him so, I mean, I guess that’s what I’m going to get, you know?” Said Marcus Crumb, a gay man in New York City. “I don’t know why I even marked his name off on the sheet. I could have chosen Jill Stein, you know? But she just has like, no style at all, and Trump wears just the most fabulous suits. I’ll take looking at Trump over getting married any day. No one says I can’t still like pumping a guy in the ass, right? I don’t need a piece of paper just ’cause I’m in love.”