Ex-President Obama Arrested After Routine Traffic Stop Turns Up Trunk Full of Cocaine

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HONOLULU, Hawaii – 

Former President Barack Obama was reportedly arrested in Hawaii late last evening after a routine traffic stop turned into chaos, as Obama was heard swearing, yelling, and seen attempting to hit a police officer. When his car was searched, police found nearly 20 pounds of pure cocaine in the trunk of his car.

“Originally, I stopped Obama only because he was driving with a light out,” said Officer Mike Daniels. “I didn’t know it was him until I approached the window. I planned on letting him go, but he came on very strong, and was swearing at me. When I asked him if he was okay, he got out of the car and proceeded to take a swing at me. Unfortunately, I had to use my taser on him, and he went down like Hillary in the general election.”

Obama claims that the car he was driving was a rental, and that he had “no idea” how the cocaine could have gotten into the trunk. Police released the former President on bail. He is scheduled to appear in a Honolulu courtroom on March 9th.

Trump Signs Order To Include Extra $1k In Tax Refunds For ‘Deserving Americans’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump signed his latest order on Wednesday morning, which will allow for an extra $1000 to be sent out with the tax refunds of ‘deserving Americans.’ According to Trump, the money will not be coming from within the tax system, and will instead come out of his own pocket.

Trump says that he plans to spend approximately $15 million to hand out extra cash to police, fireman, doctors and nurses, and veterans, among others.

“There are a lot of people who do a lot of good for others, and these people are the most deserving Americans I know,” said Trump. “And because they do so much good, I think they deserve a little good in return. This year, I will send out over 15000 checks for an extra $1000 each to those people who are deserving of a little extra help, and a little more appreciation.”

Trump says that the 15000 people will be chosen at random, from a database curated by the National Census Bureau, which has information on the employment of over 6 million Americans.

After Several States Legalize Marijuana During Elections, Walmart Announces Plans To Sell Pot Seeds, Seedlings

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Although many people consider Walmart to be the epitome of an “evil corporation,” no one can say that they’re not completely in touch with what people want. The company announced today that in several states, including Colorado, Maine, and Washington D.C., the company would begin selling marijuana seeds and seedling plants to consumers who are over 21.

“Most of these states have the same or similar laws when it comes to owning marijuana plants,” said company spokesperson Rebecca Brent. “As an adult over 21, you can have several plants, and you can grow even more. We already sell alcohol, and our employees are trained to ask for ID for anyone under 40 for controlled substances. Heck, we even card for R-rated movies like some company out of the dark ages. So selling marijuana will not add any sort of hinderance on our employees, and will be a great way to tap into a new market of potential customers.”

Surprisingly, there are very few protests about the company dipping into the weed trade, even from government officials.

“If Walmart is adhering to the laws, gaining proper licensure, then there’s no reason I can see for any fuss to be made,” said Charlie Connors, a representative for the Governor’s office in Maine. “We are allowing small businesses to sell, and we are allowing adults to purchase. I do not see why there is any issue with Walmart, the largest retailer in the world, from selling either.”

Brent says that if the seed and seedling sales go well, it’s possible that Walmart will branch into smaller locations that will only sell marijuana and paraphernalia.

“We were thinking of calling those smaller stores Wal-Greens, but as it turns out, that’s pretty much taken,” said Brent. “We are really excited about moving forward with such a great product launch, though.”

Brent says that they will add new aisles into Walmart locations that will be selling. The marijuana products will be located, naturally, next to the potato chip and soda aisle.

Oil In Dakota Access Pipeline Found To Be Carrying Smallpox Disease

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NORTH DAKOTA – 

Despite Obama trying to shut down work on the Dakota Access Pipeline as a last resort before Donald Trump was sworn in, there is still massive unrest in the area, with protests lighting up daily. Unfortunately, it seems that there may be a complete shutdown of the project after all, because researchers have recently discovered that the oil running through the pipeline is “chock full” of the smallpox virus.

“We had several employees of Dakota Oil and Drilling who became very ill after several gallons of oil leaked during a routine drilling expedition,” said Dr. Mario Santone of St. Marie’s Medical Center. “Through several tests, we determined that the workers did, indeed, have smallpox. When we were provided with a sample of the oil from the drilling site, we were alarmed to find that there were over 46 million parts per ounce of smallpox. The number is staggering, and it makes the oil very ‘toxic’ to humans.”

President Trump, who re-started work on the pipeline immediately after taking office, was told about the dangers of continuing to allow people to work or even protest in the area, with a possible smallpox outbreak imminent if a leak occurred. Trump says he’ll “think about it,” and may just quarantine the people who are already in the area from returning home.

Twitter CEO Says They Are Cancelling Trump’s Account ‘For The Good of the Country’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced this morning that the company would be officially cancelling Donald Trump’s account by the end of the week.  Although a full termination of an account of a celebrity is rare, Dorsey says that he feels it is his ‘patriotic duty’ to get Trump off of Twitter.

“This is not a statement of my political party, nor is it a bash against the current Presidency in any way,” said Dorsey. “Basically, this move is being made to help the entire country. Donald Trump spends far too much time tweeting, and not nearly enough time focusing on issues that actually matter in this country.”

Trump went on a Twitter tirade a few days ago, bashing networks CNN and MSNBC as “fake news,” and finishing off by saying that “Fox and Friends was okay.”

“Those tweets are the kind of thing I’m talking about,” commented Dorsey. “The country is more divided now than it has ever been, and Trump is at the epicenter of it all. But instead of bringing things together, he’s just stoking the fire. That is why we have decided to ban him from Twitter all together.”

Dorsey says that they will be backing up Trump’s tweets since the creation of his account, and then removing the entire profile. Any Donald Trump accounts that open after will also be deleted.

Trump Reportedly Spends $65 Million of Taxpayer Money To Buy Melania a Valentine’s Day Present

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump may consider himself one of the wealthiest people in the world, even if he can’t prove it by revealing his tax returns, but his very deep pockets didn’t come into play at all when he went shopping for the perfect Valentine’s Day present for his wife Melania.

According to reports, Trump spent a whopping $65 million dollars on Melania’s V-Day gift – a wardrobe made entirely of rare animal furs and skins such as lions, tigers, and bears – and every cent of it came from the paychecks of tax payers.

“It’s an outrage that he would spend that kind of money period, let alone on a Valentine’s Day gift,” said Mario Jones, a steelworker in Iowa who is a registered Democrat. “I mean, I got my wife some roses and a box of candy like a normal person. Where the hell does he get off spending that kind of money…MY money…on his wife when all I can spend is $12 at a supermarket?”

“Frankly, I don’t care much one way or the other what he does with my money. We are building walls, buying clothes, whatever. It’s all perfect if Trump is the one doing it,” said supporter Carl Grove. “I voted Trump for all the decisions he’ll make to help this country, good or bad, he’s doing the right thing.”

 

Rapist Files Lawsuit Against His Victim, Claims Emotional Damage Because She ‘Wasn’t Into Him’

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A man who is being accused of raping a 29-year-old woman has filed a civil lawsuit in the Miami-Dade court system, claiming the the girl was “not into it,” and thereby caused his extreme emotional harm and psychological damage.

According to public records, Mark Hemmingway, 33, has filed a lawsuit against Marissa Clarke, 29, both of Miami, after she failed to “really get into him” while he was forcibly having sex with her. The suit alleges that even though Clarke was severely intoxicated, she had been giving Hemmingway “the eyes” all night at a party, and then later passed out.

“She had been giving me those ‘fuck me’ eyes all night at a party, and then I found her later on in the bedroom,” alleges Hemmingway. “She had her shoes on still, and everyone knows that means you’re fair game, so I went at her. I knew she wanted it, because she was giving the signals earlier. Turns out, though, she’s just a dumb bitch who wasn’t into me at all. I’m not sure if anyone realizes how fragile the male ego is, but the answer is…very.”

Hemmingway is suing Clarke for a whopping $1 million dollars, claiming irreparable emotional damage. Acccording to his lawyer, Hemmingway has a “good chance” at winning his case, even if it does mean that he is admitting to the sexual assault.

BREAKING: Trump Signs Executive Order Making Murder Legal…With Just One Catch

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump signed his latest executive order this morning, making murder legal in all 50 states, but there’s one catch – it’s only legal if the murderer is a white, male and the person they kill is a minority.

“This new order is designed to clean out the riff-raff in this country, and as well all know, our biggest problem are the browns, the reds, the yellows, and the blacks…especially the blacks – they’re the ones causing most of the problems in this country,” said Trump. “My new order is designed to keep the streets safer, one murder at a time.”

Trump went on to say that any white male is able to kill any minority at any time, for any reason, and it would be considered “universal defense,” which is what Trump says self-defense of the country should be referred to as.

“Universal defense is what we do, as Americans. We universally defend ourselves, our families, and our freedoms,” said Trump. “Now, I want to take that a step further, and universally defend ourselves from the nasty, the deplorables, basically, that lie within.”

The ACLU immediately filed an injunction in the NYC Federal Courts with hopes of overturning Trump’s order.

Atlanta Falcons Say Brady, Patriots Cheated Their Way To Super Bowl Victory

HOUSTON, Texas – 

A representative for the Atlanta Falcons says that the team has made an official complaint with the NFL, stating that the New England Patriots cheated during the second half of the Super Bowl, causing the Falcons to lose.

In official documents signed by Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank and endorsed by head coach Dan Quinn, the team alleges that the New England Patriots cheated by having, “huge, over-inflated balls.”

“During the first half of the game, the Patriots clearly were using their normal balls. Hell, they might have been using slightly under-inflated balls, honestly,” said coach Dan Quinn. “I don’t know exactly what happened after the 3rd quarter, but when they came back out on the field, that team was definitely playing with an entirely new set of balls – and their balls were huge, and way larger than before.”

The NFL is not taking the accusation lightly, as the Patriots have known to play with their balls on previous occasions, with team quarterback and GOAT Tom Brady even being suspended for several games for knowingly playing with deflated balls.

“We are looking at the Patriots balls very closely, as we cannot and will not take any accusation lightly of the Patriots playing with either small or large balls,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “I have personally taken up the task of looking at Tom Brady’s balls, and will report my findings at a later conference.

In the mean time, football fans across New England are overjoyed at their team bringing home their 5th Super Bowl win.

“It’s a great time to be alive,” said Patriots Super Fan Mark Chilsom. “I don’t care a lick about balls, to be honest. That was the greatest game I’ve ever seen played, with a record-setting comeback. If it was because Tom Brady and the team came out to play with huge balls in the 4th, well the so be it.”

Donald Trump Stunned To Learn His Hands Really Are Tiny

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump was stunned recently when he reportedly went to shake hands with a new White House intern, and realized that his hands were, in fact, very small.

“I always thought my hands were yuge,” said Trump. “Everything I have is yuge. Yuge houses. Yuge cars. Yuge wang. I was in a state of pure shock when I realized that my hands were completely enveloped in this man’s massive mitts.”

According to the intern, he didn’t notice any real, disparaging size.

“He seemed to have pretty normal hands, possibly a bit smaller than normal. Nothing that couldn’t hold onto a double Whopper with cheese with any issue, you know?” said the intern.

Trump reportedly spent the remainder of the day locked in the oval office, alone.

“I can’t be sure, but I’m pretty certain that I heard a lot of weeping coming from in there,” said an unnamed secret service agent. “I haven’t heard that much moaning coming from the oval office since Bill was in charge.”

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