VATICAN CITY –
Pope Francis made a surprise announcement during his weekly Sunday Mass in Vatican City, stunning the world when he said that the church has decided that their priests would be allowed to wed, something that has never been allowed in the history of the Catholic Church.
“In an effort to stop our wonderful men of the cloth from molesting any more children, we have decided to allow them to marry and fornicate with women,” said Francis. “This will hopefully put an end, once and for all, to the bad behavior of some of our flock.”
Despite the announcement taking place earlier this morning, there has been no word on whether any priests have elected to look for a wife, or if they’re content with their current arrangement of molesting children for years, having the church pay hush money, and being moved to a new location after all the news is buried.
CARSON, Georgia –
A Georgia man has filed suit against tech giant Apple, saying that after purchasing the latest iPhone, he tried to “eat the device,” and suffered severe damage to his mouth, teeth, and gums.
“My client thought that because the item was an ‘Apple,’ device, that it would be edible as apples generally are,” said Dewey Cheatum, Esq., the attorney representing the unnamed man who engaged in the lawsuit. “We believe we have a very strong case, as Apple does not now, nor have they ever said that their items could not be eaten.”
Apple’s public response to the lawsuit was to have Tim Cook shit directly onto the portfolio, before mailing it back to the office of Cheatum with a note that said “go fuck yourself.”
MIAMI, Florida –
A Florida man was taken to a Miami hospital after reportedly getting a large, D-cell battery stuck in his anus. The man claimed that he thought that the battery might give him the “energy boost” he would need to get through the rest of his day at work.
Doctors were able to extract the battery without seriously invasive surgery, but warned that putting things into your anus can “cause serious, irreparable harm.”
“This man, Joe Kennedy, who asked not to be publicly named, is very lucky,” said Dr. Frank Grates, the surgeon who extracted the battery. “He certainly could have done a lot worse. Thankfully, in this case, he went larger, and it was easy to grab. Had he gone with an AAA battery or something, and we might still be digging around in his colon.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A Boston man, Arnold Richardson, said he didn’t know what to do when his dentist told him that he was going to need a new set of custom dentures to replace the ones he’s had the last 10 years.
“I was really put out, I can’t afford that kind of thing on my salary,” said Richardson, 46, a carpenter in the South End of Boston. “I really felt lost.”
Richardson said that he scoped out the internet for the best deals, and was surprised to find a set of dentures on the shopping website/app called Wish, which sells items at highly discounted rates, occassionally knock-offs, but almost always shipped from China.
“I was hesitant, honestly, because you hear about toys and other items coming from China and they’ve been painted with old, lead-ridden paint or something like that, but really, it was all I could afford.”
After waiting 6-8 weeks for his dentures, Richardson said he was “very surprised” to find that they fit perfectly, and even more surprised that when he put them in his mouth, he automatically began speaking Chinese.
“这篇文章和我们所有的文章一样, 都是假的,” said Richardson. “如果你明白了, 那就太好了。与你认识的每个人分享!永远记住不要在网上上当废话”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Richard Atkins, 64, has been in a coma for the last 26 years, the result of a hit-and-run car accident that left him hospitalized. Although doctors had told Atkins’ wife, Miranda, that they believed if he ever woke up that Richard would be a complete “vegetable,” Miranda decided not to pull the plug.
“I’m so glad I listened to my gut, I knew he’d wake up eventually,” said Miranda. “I am concerned about his choice to be put back under though.”
Doctors were flabbergasted that Atkins woke up last Tuesday morning, cracking jokes and asking for lunch.
“He is a marvel of the medical world, that’s for sure,” said Dr. Francis Joseph. “I’ve been treating Atkins as his doctor for the last 20 years of his 26 years in a comatose state, and I never expected this. He woke up, was fine, and didn’t seemed at all bothered he’d been in a coma for nearly 3 decades. In fact, he asked to be put back under for another year so he’d be eligible for his social security and retirement benefits.”
Doctors say that they initially declined to give in to Atkins’ request, but eventually were persuaded.
“I told them that I had memories of being sexually abused while in my coma by hospital staff,” said Atkins before they put him back under. “Don’t tell anyone that it was total crap, I don’t remember a thing. I just don’t want to work again. Work sucks.”
EDGEWORTH, Florida –
A Florida man has died after he attempted to eat over $10,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies, which is approximately 1500 boxes.
John Richards, 43, died after his 87th box, when he suffered both a massive stroke and a major heart attack simultaneously.
“I have no idea what made that fat shit think he could finish off all those boxes, or why he even tried,” said Marlene Richards, 40. “I’ve been married to John for 20 years, and on his ass about his weight pretty much this whole time. When he heard that the Boy Scouts were going to allow girls in, he told me he thought that the cookies would ‘go extinct,’ and he wanted to get all he could. Dumb bastard.”
Police say they had to hire a team of movers to get Richards’ body out of the home, as he “weighed close to that of a grand piano.”
“The thing that really pisses me off is that he cashed out his life insurance policy to buy the cookies,” said Marlene Richards. “What in the hell am I going to do now? Eat the rest of these cookies for the rest of my life? God, I hate that fat lard.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
According to the US Department of Births and Deaths, February 27th, 2019 was the first time in the recorded history of Man that no one was born, and no one died. The phenomenon has everyone puzzled.
“I have no idea how it happened, I didn’t even know it could happen,” said US DBD Chairman Richard Vallee. “Normally, there are nearly 200,000 deaths and about 220,000 births every day throughout the world. We monitor these numbers out of our offices in the United States, but record the entire world. This has never happened before, and is likely to never happen again.”
Vallee says that they are currently looking into any sort of “otherworldly” phenomenon or atmospheric reason that no one was born or died yesterday, but so far, they’ve been drawing a blank.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In what most are calling a “backroom deal,” President Trump has struck an arrangement with Amazon, Netflix, Disney, Wayfair, and other major companies in the United States, where they will not have to pay any taxes at all, regardless of income.
The purpose of the deal, according to insiders, is to ensure the “continuation and expansion of commerce and entertainment in the United States.”
“If Netflix makes $100 million dollars in profit, just as an example, should they be forced to pay 85% of that in taxes?” said President Trump in a completely unprepared statement. “Of course not, they need money to continue growing their company, and growing their output of amazing shows. That’s what is important when ti comes to the growth of this country. That’s how we’re going to continue to Make America Great Again.”
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –
A 9th grade class made up of 28 students in Huntsville, Alabama, have reportedly killed themselves in a “mass suicide pact,” after reportedly watching a new viral video online.
“Momo,” which is a stupid internet hoax that has been blown way out of proportion by the media, has now lost its hoax status after all the students were found dead in their school’s basement.
The children, most of whom were 14 or 15, reportedly each bought sleeping pills and bleach, and drank the toxic mixture. Police say the crime scene is “the worst in the history of police work.”
Melanie Reeve, 16, said one of her best friends was one of the teens who killed themselves, but she says she has “no idea” why should would do it.
“Everyone knows the Momo thing is fucking fake, that’s old news and no one actually cares about it except the news and old parents,” said Reeve. “I have no idea why [name redacted] did this. I told her that Momo wasn’t real, and she was just like ‘I know,’ but then did it anyway.”
Police are cautioning parents not to let their kids go “anywhere near the internet” until the Momo craze blows over.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
In a press release from Planned Parenthood, the non-profit company announced today that they would be ceasing to perform any abortions at any of their clinics throughout the country. The reason, they say, is not because of increased pressure from religious groups or right-wing nutjobs, but because they just really are sick of it being their “sole focus” in the media.
“We do so many amazing things for women, and for families in genera,” said Planned Parenthood CEO Marge Brock. “All anyone ever talks about is ‘gee, do you know how many abortions the perform,’ and that sort of thing. Frankly, it’s taking away all the resources of our other services, and we don’t have time to bother.”
Brock says that they will continue to council women on where they can get safe, medically performed abortions should they ask, but they won’t do anything in their facilities.
“We think this change will be great, and allow us to let people know about all the good we do,” said Brock. “Maybe now all these assholes will stop standing outside our offices with badly written signs and hatred, and they can go back to the internet where trolls belong.”