PALM BEACH, Florida –
President Trump has spent most of his winter vacation golfing with friends and family at Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, but on his latest outing, the President was caught with his pants up…when perhaps they should have been down.
According to photographers at the golf game, President Trump was on the 13th hole and right after teeing off, he let out “a massive, wet, drippy fart sound.”
“It was simultaneously hilarious and disgusting,” said Chris Robbins, the photographer who captured the immediate aftermath. “I wasn’t getting any really good shots throughout the day, but then I heard Trump rip one, really hard and really wet. I look over, and he has literally shit himself. It was made even more hilarious because, like most dipshit golfers, he was wearing stupid clothes – white pants!”
Robbins was able to get a great shot of the President being scurried away by a member of his staff and his caddy, with brown streaks running down the back of his pants.
“I honestly think this picture might win me a Pulitzer,” said Robbins. “It’s far and away the best thing I’ve ever taken. So many of the other guys bought me beers in the Mar-A-Lago club lounge after this photo was published, I could barely stand up. Hell, I almost shit myself.”
The President had no comment on the incident, and maintained that “it never happened.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Now that President Trump has successfully won the War on Christmas, he is setting his sights on another age-old advisory: The War on New Year’s Eve.
“It’s despicable that there are so many people wishing each other a ‘Happy New Year,’ when they have no idea if I believe that next year is going to be better than this one,” said President Trump. “Liberals like to push their agenda, they want you to have a happy 2018. Well that’s not right, that’s not going to work for everyone. 2017 was a big year. The biggest year. I’m not saying 2018 can’t be a big year, but we can’t just go out assuming it’s going to be great, it’s going to be happy.”
Trump said that he has begun wishing people a “decent New Year” or an “Okay New Year,” and on at least one occasion, a “shitty New year.”
“I have no reason to wish that specific person a Happy New Year, and I don’t particularly want them to have a Happy 2018,” said Trump, not mentioning the person by name. “Frankly, though, this entire happy nonsense has got to stop. I’m officially declaring it dead, and killing this war on New Year’s.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
New Englanders, get ready. Although the snow and extremely cold temperatures have come quick this year, things are about to take a turn.
According to NOAA, a series of extreme winter storms are brewing off the coast, with all of them expected to hit most of New England by the middle of next week. The storms, dubbed “nor’easters” because of the direction they travel, will bring over ten feet of wet, packed snow between Tuesday and Thursday.
“I don’t want to go on record and say this is unprecedented, but it’s pretty close,” said NOAA weather researcher Mark Henry. “To get that much snow in such a small window of time is going to be hell for many people. Plus, because of the type of snow, we can expect massive and long-lasting power outages. It will be heavy and wet and packed, and downed trees and power lines will be almost a guarantee. This is absolutely the worst storm I’ve ever seen brewing in over 35 years as a weather researcher.”
Maine, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts are already calling for a state of emergency, and plow crews from nearby states and Canada are already being prepared to help with the storm.
“This is going to be the Big One,” said Henry. “Everyone get that bread and milk from the store – you’re going to need it.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In an unplanned and quietly announced session at the White House on Friday, President Trump signed a bill reversing the gay marriage laws, and revoking the right for homosexuals to get married. The bill was signed only a short 20 minutes after Trump’s tax plan was made official.
“As a Christian, and as someone who wants America to be great again – as great as possible – I cannot, in good conscience, allow for gays to get married in this country,” said President Trump. “They will have to settle for just being boyfriends or girlfriends. That’s really all they need, anyway.”
The decision to reverse the law, which of course was created under Obama, comes as no surprise to Trump supporters, even the gay ones.
“I voted for him so, I mean, I guess that’s what I’m going to get, you know?” Said Marcus Crumb, a gay man in New York City. “I don’t know why I even marked his name off on the sheet. I could have chosen Jill Stein, you know? But she just has like, no style at all, and Trump wears just the most fabulous suits. I’ll take looking at Trump over getting married any day. No one says I can’t still like pumping a guy in the ass, right? I don’t need a piece of paper just ’cause I’m in love.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
We’ve all heard before how over-washing or over sanitizing your hands can be bad, because it can cause bacteria and germs to mutate, and become harder to kill. Well, it turns out that wasn’t just another old wive’s tale.
Researchers at Harvard Medical College in Boston have discovered a new strain of “super bacteria” that has already claimed the lives of over 600 people, all because those people had a weakened immune system from over-washing and over sanitizing their hands.
“We tested 480 of the 600 people assumed to have died from this ‘super microbial bacteria,'” said research head Dr. Charles Marvin. “All of the tested subjects proved positive for this new strain. With this much strong evidence, we can conclude that over 600 people have died from this new bug. At this time, we don’t believe there would be a way to vaccinate from, or cure this disease.”
Dr. Marvin is recommending that people stop washing their hands with soap or sanitizing when in public buildings and restrooms.
“Unless you’ve straight pooped on your hands, then don’t worry about washing, it’s really not that big of a deal,” said Dr. Marvin. “And even then, consider maybe just wiping off the poop with a towel if that does happen, for some reason.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
After lavish Christmas decorations and beautiful, “snow” covered trees were unveiled in the White House, many reporters and photographers were taken aback, and caught up in a Christmas spirit that many say was missing from the White House over the last several years.
But one reporter, who happens to be Jewish, wasn’t as impressed. Silas Jones, 30, of the New York Beat Entertainment magazine was reporting on the White House Christmas unveiling, and asked President Trump if they planned to add a menorah to the White House decorations in a couple of weeks when Chanukah starts.
“Fuck the Jews, no way am I putting up a menorah,” said Trump. “Everyone knows that the Jews are a dirty, disgusting people. And plus, they killed Jesus, and I can’t even stomach the idea of putting Jewey things next to these beautiful Christmas trees that my wife spent hours working to get up. No, there won’t be any Jew stuff here in the White House.”
Although this is the kind of comment that would normally bring outrage from the Left and from civil liberties groups such as the ACLU, Trump’s comments like this come so often that no one was even that offended.
“Totally expected,” said Jones. “I honestly only asked to get a rise, and he gave exactly what I wanted. He’s such an assclown.”
DELUTH, Mississippi –
Best Buy Inc., the nation’s largest electronics retailer that hasn’t yet succumbed to Amazon, posted record high deaths during their annual Black Friday sales this morning. CEO Mark Chambers noted that in all of the company’s 1200 stores, there was at least one death, with several stores having multiple people die during the event.
“The Austin, Texas store, which came in last place in 2016 with only 1 death, skyrocketed to first place this year,” said Chambers. “Store 2118 right in downtown Austin had a staggering 23 deaths this year, and we couldn’t be more proud. They had 13 people trampled, 6 were shot, 3 had heart attacks, and 1 was stabbed in the neck for the last blu-ray copy of Wonder Woman. It is truly an amazing feat.”
Walmart also posted high numbers of deaths and injuries this year, although they were down from 2016, where the company saw 1,884 deaths, including 28 employees.
“Employee death is something we have yet to achieve, but we think we’ll get there,” said Chambers. “Walmart really knows how to get things done. We’re learning a lot from them.”
JACKSONVILLE, Florida –
Captain Abraham Sands of the Jacksonville, Florida Police Department released a statement cautioning people about a new, dangerous event that has been happening throughout the state.
“I have been asked by state and local authorities to write this email in order to get the word out to car drivers of a very dangerous prank that is occurring in numerous states,” said Sands. “Some person or persons have been affixing hypodermic needles to the underside of gas pump handles. These needles appear to be infected with HIV positive blood. In the Jacksonville area alone there have been 17 cases of people being stuck by these needles over the past five months. We have verified reports of at least 12 others in various states around the country.”
It is believed that these may be copycat incidents, as this crime has happened in the past, and was a popular “prank” in the early 1990s. At this point no one has been arrested, and police say catching the perpetrator or perpetrators has become a top priority.
“Shockingly, of the 17 people who where stuck, eight have tested HIV positive and because of the nature of the disease, the others could test positive in a couple years, according to physicians,” said Sands. “If you do find a needle affixed to one, immediately contact your local police department so they can collect the evidence. It is IMPERATIVE that you check the handle of the pump before you grab it. It could save your life.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump has reportedly been rushed to the emergency room after becoming extremely ill and vomiting after eating a piece of Halloween candy. White House officials and police are remaining tight-lipped, but an anonymous staffer has confirmed that authorities believe the candy was poisoned.
“Trump decided that he wanted to dress up and trick-or-treat through the White House, and so every person on staff was required to stand in a doorway with a bowl of candy, and wait for President Trump to come and collect some,” said the staffer. “We do not know from which person or room the tainted candy may have come, but police are investigating.”
At this time, there is no further word on the President’s condition. This is the first known case of a poisoning perpetrated on Halloween of a President.
BOISE, Idaho –
Marissa and Alex Murphy of Idaho say they have been Donald Trump supporters “since the beginning,” and are adamant that he will help to Make America Great Again. They are such strong fans that they named their newborn son in his honor: Donald Trump Murphy. But the naming has apparently caused them a great deal of issues, as President Trump has reportedly filed a lawsuit against the couple.
“Donald Trump is suing us for breach of copyright and trademark,” said Marissa, 30. “We named our son Donald because we love President Trump. This was supposed to be something beautiful, but we are so distressed. It would cost us a lot to have his name changed at this point, but President Trump is suing us anyway, saying that no one else can be named Donald Trump. He apparently has a copyright on his own name.”
President Trump could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman from the White House did admit there was a lawsuit pending. The amount is undisclosed, but the Murphys say it is for $3 million.