Morbidly Obese Woman Let Her Children Die Of Starvation: ‘There Was Only Enough Food For Me’

BIGSBY, New Jersey – 

A New Jersey woman has been arrested after all 3 of her young children were found dead in her home. The cause of death has been listed as malnutrition. The woman starved all of her kids because she said she could “only afford enough food” for herself.

“Look, ya’ll know I’m on the welfare. I ain’t got enough money coming in to feed my ass, plus all them damn kids. This ain’t no restaurant. I gotsta eat, and they just young kids. They didn’t need much anyway,” said Tawanda Grapes, 30. “This whole thing got me all fucked up, because I ain’t been able to eat in a couple hours now with all these cops asking questions and stuff.”

According to police, Grapes was only feeding her children “whatever was left” after her meals, which normally was not much more than a few drops of ketchup on the hamburger wrapper or the melted ice from a soda cup.

Police are saying it is it the worst case of child abuse that they have ever seen. The children, who were aged 2, 3, and 6, had not eaten in as many as 11 days, says the medical examiner.

Grapes will be charged with voluntary manslaughter. If convicted, she will face the death penalty.

12-Year-Old Girl Who Didn’t Get Pony For Christmas Murders Parents While Wearing Horse Mask

horse

CARLTON, California – 

A 12-year-old girl who asked her parents to get her a pony for Christmas has been arrested for murder, after it was discovered that she stabbed and cut up her parents for not getting her what she asked for.

“I wanted a goddamn pony, and they got me a horse,” said the girl, whose name is not being revealed due to her age. “I didn’t want a fucking horse, I wanted a pony. There’s a difference, and if they’re too stupid to know it, then they’re too stupid to live.”

According to police, the young girl herself called 911 to admit to her crime, and said that they could find her parents in the “goddamn stable” next to the “diced up body of that shitty horse.”

Police Chief Carl Lewis said it was the most gruesome scene that he’d ever witnessed.

“There were horse parts and body parts all over. We really had no idea which piece was human and which was not, it was insane. That fact that this was all done by a little girl, that’s what makes it even scarier,” said Lewis. “We also found a rubber horse mask, which she apparently wore during the crime.”

Currently, the girl is being housed in an undisclosed prison by police, with plans for her to be arraigned on January 3rd. If convicted, she will be the youngest person ever put on death row.

Russia Is Probably Hacking Your Computer Right Now – What You Can Do To Stop Them!

hacker

UNITED STATES – 

After it was confirmed that Russia easily hacked computers in the United States to rig the 2016 elections, the FBI is warning that it’s “very likely” that Russian hackers and spies are probably in your computer right now, looking at your files.

“There are many things that you can do to protect yourself from Russian hackers,” said FBI director J. Hoover Edgar. “For one, you want to make sure you put a piece of tape of your computer’s camera. That’s just something simple that every idiot knows to do by now. Another thing you can do is to get offline completely when not using the computer. Just unplug and turn off your machine, and you should probably unplug your router, too, just to be safe.”

Edgar also recommends writing most of your documents in Aramaic, the dead language spoken by Jesus Christ and his disciples.

“It’s very hard for Russians to read Aramaic, because most people don’t know it. If you learn it now, you will have a much better chance of your files not being read by Russian hackers,” said Edgar.

According to the FBI, the one thing that can almost certainly defeat a hacker, though, is to make sure you change your passwords 10 to 15 times a day, for all of your website logins, especially banks and social media accounts.

“If you leave your password as the same thing for more than a couple of minutes, you’re basically giving full access to your life,” said Edgar. “Change your passwords multiple times a day. It really keeps the ol’ Ruskies on their toes.”

Melania Trump Talks About Cause She Plans To Take On During Donald’s Presidency

melania

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Move over Michelle Obama with your useless childhood obesity campaign – Melania Trump, future first lady, has announced her “mighty cause” that she plans to take on during Donald’s time as president.

“I know that we have plenty of fat kids in the world, and that’s pretty bad,” said Melania. “But, another problem that is faced that is also pretty bad is the homeless people. They are so sad and they are so bad to look at, and I want to help.”

Melania says that her campaign will be to give designer bags to needy homeless people throughout the country.

“It is very important that people look nice, and the best way to look nice is to start with a nice bag,” said Melania, smiling. “I have many, many friends in designer industries, and they can all make pretty bags to give to these homeless. Maybe, with a nice bag, these people will find the strength to get a home, something that I’m sure most of them would like to have.”

 

Confirmed: 2017 Is The Year Jesus Returns To Earth

jesus

WASHINGTON, D.C.  – 

After centuries of speculation, Empire News can confirm that 2017 will be the year that Jesus finally returns to Earth.

Many of his followers have been waiting a lifetime for this event, and it seems it will be happening on January 1st.

“After a long 2016 filled with some of the most horrible things to ever happen, including Trump getting elected and the death of so many icons like David Bowie and Prince, Jesus Christ has decided that 2017 will be the year he returns to put right the things that have gone wrong,” said Jesus’ spokesman Joseph Moore.

Moore says that Jesus has been preparing his comeback tour for quite some time, but could not find a reason that people really and truly needed him to come back.

“Now that the world is turning upside down, he sees the time is right for his return,” said Moore. “Watch for a sign on January 1st. He says that the Times Square event will be one to remember, for sure.”

 

You Won’t BELIEVE What These ‘Hatchimals’ Toys Are Saying To Kids!

hatchimals

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A mother in Boston who bought each of her 7 children the year’s hottest toy, a Hatchimal, says the creatures had been mostly speaking gibberish when first opened on Christmas morning, but over the last week, have started saying some “truly disturbing things.”

“These Hatchimals are basically just like those old Ferby toys, remember those?” said Carla Jones, 28. “I had one of those when I was a kid. They spoke in random gibberish. Well, these Hatchimals, they did too mostly. But then the other day, I noticed that my youngest son, Tyler, who is 4, started saying some horrible things. I asked him where he learned those words, and he pointed to his Hatchimal.”

Jones was asked if the words could be repeated for print, and she said “she didn’t think they should be said,” but wanted to make sure that other parents knew what these “dangerous toys” were teaching their children.

“If it was only something as simple as it saying ‘fuck’ or something, then I’d be okay with that. They hear that kind of talk on Sesame Street these days, for crying out loud,” said Jones. “No, it was much more sinister. I’m honestly having a hard time saying the words, but truly, everyone should know. These Hatchimals, they taught my son to say ‘Donald Trump will make a great president.’ OH MY GOD I can’t believe I said it. It’s so sick.”

Empire News reached out the company behind Hatchimals, but received no response.

‘The Simpsons’ Creator Says Next Season Will Be Last

simpsons

LOS ANGELES, California –

Matt Groenig, creator of The Simpsons, says that next year will finally be the last season for the cartoon – the longest running show in prime time.

“Frankly, we’re all pretty bored with it. The show has been on for, what, about 30 or 40 seasons, and it’s just stale. I mean yeah, it’s funny for the audience, but this cast, these guys and gals, man, they’re bored. I don’t blame them,” said Groenig.

FOX, the channel that airs the show in the U.S., said that they are “more than ready” to fill the Sunday night timeslot with something else, and are eyeing Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane to work on a new show.

“Seth has come up with some great ideas, and we’re really excited to see where they go,” said FOX CEO Marvin Hamlin. “He actually just pitched us a new show yesterday that we’re ordering a pilot for. It’s called The Stimpsons, and it is an animated show about a dysfunctional family. There’s the alcoholic dad, the big-haired mom, a few precocious kids. Frankly, we have never seen anything like it before, and we’re thinking it’s going to be great.”

 

Carrie Fisher’s Ghost Reportedly Spotted On Hollywood Boulevard

fisher

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Star Wars fans have been hanging around Hollywood Boulevard for the last two days, after a man says he saw Carrie Fisher’s ghost hanging around downtown.

“It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Mario Lewis, who is on vacation from Idaho. “There was this gorgeous woman, and she was dressed as Princess Leia from the Star Wars movies. I walked over to her and my eyes just bugged out. It was Princess Leia! It was the ghost of Carrie Fisher, and it made my life seeing that.”

Although so far no one else has seen Ms. Fisher’s ghost appear in Hollywood – or anywhere else – a rabid fanbase of Star Wars nerds have been wandering all over Hollywood, hoping to catch a glimpse.

A homeless woman, Marlene Simmons, who has lived in Hollywood her whole life, says that the tourist is just an idiot.

“There’s no damn ghost here. Never was of any other celebrity, sure as shit wouldn’t be of Carrie Fisher, neither,” said Simmons. “That damn fool just got confused because there are always people out here on the Boulevard, dressed up as characters from movies and what not. Dumbass saw a woman dressed like Princess whoever, got himself all riled up. Now get yo’ ass out my face. You’re standing in my bathroom.”

Pandas Will Go Extinct Within The Next Few Months, Study Finds

panda

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Researchers at the Washington, D.C. House of Agriculture and Animal Affairs say that they expect Pandas will become extinct within the next few months, probably by June of 2017.

“We actually had no idea that pandas were really that rare, because we see pictures of them online all the time,” said HAAA chairman Joel Bornstein. “We thought they were doing pretty good out in the wild, but apparently not. There’s only a couple left.”

The HAAA says they are trying “really hard” to get a couple of pandas to “do their thing” and make some more panda babies, but they’re having a really hard time.

“We got two of the 17 pandas left in the world, and we have been doing everything to get them to have sexy time, but it’s just not working,” said Bornstein. “We’ve tried calming music, chocolates, wine…we even let them watch porn. Nothing has worked.”

The HAAA says that they hope that they can save the population of pandas before it’s too late, but they don’t hold out much hope.

Clinton Campaign Staffer Says Hillary Tried To ‘Sell Her Soul’ To Win, Turns Out She Doesn’t Have Soul

satan

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A former Clinton campaign staffer has come forward, claiming that Hillary Clinton literally tried to make a deal with the devil during the campaign, but it failed miserably.

“She had me on the phone for hours so that I could get in touch with Mr. Satan,” said the staffer. “I was able to reach him, finally, after many calls and call-backs. You’d be amazed how hard it is to get in touch with the Devil. Anyway, we arranged a meeting between The Dark One and Hillary.”

The anonymous staffer claims, though, that once the meeting was set and Satan showed up with the contract, the terms could not be met.

“Naturally, Satan wanted Hillary’s soul in exchange for the presidency, but as it turns out, Clinton doesn’t have a soul to begin with,” said the staffer. “Needless to say, Beelzebub was not very happy about making such a long trip for nothing, and vowed that she would never win. Turns out he was right.”

Satan could not be reached for comment about the deal.

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