WASHINGTON, D.C. –
It’s all about the Obamas, Baby. The United States Mint, the organization responsible for printing and pressing all of the nation’s currency, has announced today that President Barack Obama is going to be the new face of the U.S. $50, which currently features president Grant.
“Most people cannot even name the person on the $50, and we have been looking to change it for some time,” said U.S. Mint chairman Michael Rafael. “President Obama has been instrumental in making some of the best changes that this country has ever gone through, and together with congress, we have decided to immortalize the president by having his face appear on new bills.”
The new United States fifties will begin being pressed later this year, after the mint develops the metal presses needed to print the bills. Although they will start being printed later in 2016, Rafael says that they will not see public circulation until 2017.
“We do not want to release the bills while the president is still active in his seat in the White House,” said Rafael. “We will start releasing the bills as soon as Bernie Sanders is sworn in as our next elected official.”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
The Ku Klux Klan, everyone’s least favorite sheet-wearing terrorists, have been battling the state supreme court on whether or not their organization is allowed to Adopt A Highway. Normally, groups that adopt roads are charities or non-profit groups, and none of them have ever asked about renaming roads, either.
“It’s not really so much of an issue that the Klan wants to Adopt-A-Highway, so much as they want to change the name of it as well,” said AAH Project Manager Joel Goldstein. “The Klan wants to not only clean up the highway, but the want to call it ‘Dead N*gger St.’ To me, that’s just crossing a line.”
“When you adopt a kid, you can re-name it whatever you want, and then you go on keeping that kid clean and fed and looking nice,” said Klan member Richard Dawson of Huntsville, Alabama. “If we are gonna adopt a road, and keep it looking nice, and keep it clean, then we want to rename it. And what better way to keep niggers off that street than to call it ‘Dead N*gger Street?'”
According the Supreme Court, the group has every right to Adopt A Highway if the AAH Commission signs off on it, but that they are contesting the group’s request to rename the road with use of a racial slur.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
As more and more people begin filing their taxes online, the IRS has reportedly gotten swamped by early-filers, causing system crashes and a work overload for employees at the bureau. According to IRS spokesman Joe Goldsmith, the issues and crashes are still being sorted, with over 20 million Americans being forced to wait for their refund checks.
“In the old days, people mailed in their returns, and they slowly trickled in, giving our employees and computer systems enough time to sort through and properly handle every W2 and return,” said Goldsmith. “With the advent of being able to file over the phone, and now online, people are getting us their tax information by the first and second week of the year, causing or systems to crash and employees to be working over 100 hours a week to get everything sorted. It’s a real and total cluster-eff.”
According to Goldsmith, the IRS has become so overwhelmed with return information already, that refunds owed will be months delayed.
“We like to be able, normally, to get people their refunds due within a few weeks, or sooner, thanks to direct deposit,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, this year it appears we will end up having to manually sort through all returns manually, which will take us several months. Refunds can expect to be received starting in July or August of this year.”
Goldsmith said that he understands the frustrations that this will cause, but they want to make sure that everyone is receiving the correct refunds or paying in the proper amounts.
“I really wanted to go out and get a new big screen TV and a new snowmobile with my refund,” said Goldsmith. “I work here, and even I will be waiting several more months. That snowmobile will probably end up being a four-wheeler or a new motorcycle by the time I end up seeing the money.”
BEIJING, China –
China says that they are willing to give up the sovereignty it has held Tibet since 1951 – as long as the price is right.Hippies and hipsters across the United States are already trying to raise awareness and encourage people to chip in to “Free Tibet.”
“China’s actually really hurting. The US owes 1.3 trillion dollars it never intends to pay back,” said self-proclaimed ‘granola’ Cindy Morris. “The biggest thing is the bad reputation they have developed. ‘Made in China’ means crap. Plus, the pollution over there is really bad. Their government needs more money to process all the dead bodies.”
Since the 1950s, millions has been donated to the Free Tibet cause, but it is unclear where this money is being kept or how much there is. The Dahli Lama has yet to release a statement on the matter, and the Tibetan Government in Exile has not been clear whether they will be able to afford China’s price. It is likely that they do not feel they are rightfully owned by China and will refuse to pay for their freedom.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
If you were upset that your job only gives you the standard Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas off each year, you’re in luck. White House press secretary Joel Winter released word this morning that several other holidays that are celebrated each year will officially become national holidays, giving more people time off from their regular nine-to-five.
“We are officially recognizing several new holidays as government, or ‘National’ holidays, starting in 2016 and 2017,” said Winter in the statement. “Starting this year, April Fools Day, Grandparents Day, and Talk Like a Pirate Day will all officially be recognized in the United States as national holidays. These days will give employers more opportunities to give their employees a day off, and give workers extra days to relax and enjoy time with families.”
According to Winter, 2017 will see even more inclusions, including Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day.
“Valentine’s Day is one that we had hoped to see become a national holiday in 2016, but it was just coming up too fast,” said Winter. “It is a major holiday, though – for both couples and single people. Yes, even singles love Valentine’s Day, because it gives them an excuse to drink more. It was with that in mind that the holiday made the list; no one likes to be drunk at work.”
Winter says the final step in the holiday recognition changes would be to include birthdays, which they are hoping to have officially on the books by 2020.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Garbage is America’s biggest export, and soon taxpayers will be expected to foot the bill. New measures will include a garbage bag tax, as well as additional taxes on products that exceed a certain amount of packaging, which will be passed along to consumers who buy the products.
Economist Allon Ardon says this will damage the economy. “I’m very concerned about the economic impacts we will see as a result of this new tax. The American economy is based upon being able to throw things away with no second thoughts. People may actually start donating unwanted goods to charity or re-using trash. This could be disastrous.”
Hoarders will benefit from this bill, receiving a tax credit of up to $3,000, with documentation that they are collecting trash.
Ardon says, “They trash isn’t the problem. Exporting it is. We need to get create with managing our garbage.”
Hoarder Bill Willis says that he is now “extremely grateful” for all the junk he’s collected over the years.
“My tax guy says that next year I’ll get a big fat check thanks to all the shit I’ve had socked away all these years,” said Willis. “It’s really something else. I only wish my bitch ex-wife were still around to see me gloat. She told me that my stuff was worthless, we’ll screw you, Debbie!”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Following in the footsteps of the Bloods, The Cripps, and Juggalos, the animal rights group PETA has officially been added to the gang watch list at the FBI. According to a Bureau spokesperson, the PETA agency has been on their radar for years as a potential hate group, but it was only recently that it was decided they should be added officially.
“If we are going to consider a group like the Juggalos a gang, then we have to have PETA members be a part of this as well,” said FBI spokesperson Denise Johnson. “PETA are more violent, more dangerous, and full of more lies and deceit than nearly any other gang we deal with. Whereas the Bloods may be violent in the open, PETA are a group of seriously deranged individuals who will stop at nothing to fight for their cause, breaking whatever laws and spouting whatever lies they need to in order to gain supporters.”
The FBI claims that over the years, PETA has been responsible for violent and hateful acts, including riots, protests, physical assaults, and at least 2 deaths.
“The group, known to the public, mostly, as a group campaigning for animal rights, have long been know to have resorted to hypocritical, and often evil, methods of operation,” said Johnson. “From here on out, they will be watched very closely.”
The FBI says that PETA members will no longer be able to congregate in groups over 3, and that they must refrain from using their cause as a way of approaching civilians on the street.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
There’s still a year left in Obama’s presidency, and it seems he’s shaking things up before he goes. In a startling and disturbing decision, President Obama has announced that he will officially pardon the Catholic priests that have been accused of child molestation while in their positions in the Church.
“Although many of the accused have been excommunicated and removed from their positions, they still live with the guilt of their alleged crimes,” said President Obama. “Of the men jailed for the crimes, I am offering a full pardon, and immediate release. These men have suffered enough at the hands of God, and do not need to be imprisoned for their acts. Acts which they cannot control.”
Although there have been many abuse cases in the church over the years, only a small number of priests or other church members have ever been arrested and convicted in the courts. Most were not able to be prosecuted for charges brought against them, as too much time had passed since the alleged crimes. Several, though, were able to be sent to prison.
“Currently, there are 28 priests throughout the country who are in jail for crimes against children, and they will be pardoned and released by November 1st,” said Obama. “This is my way of showing forgiveness and love, which the Catholic church is so well known for.”
LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –
Marc Fine, a county clerk in Louisville, Kentucky, has reportedly been adamantly refusing to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, as he says it goes against his personal religious beliefs.
“I will not give any of them straights a marriage license,” said Fine in an interview with the local paper. “I think that what they do is disgusting. A penis going inside of a vagina? Natural? Please. It’s nasty, and it’s an abomination in the eyes of my personal Lord.”
Fine has been repeatedly told by his superiors that he needs to offer marriage licenses to all couples, straight or gay, but so far, Fine has refused.
“Thing of it is, no one has really complained. They just go on to another office, get their little license, and it’s all good,” said Fine. “That poor, ugly, trailer trash looking clerk woman who was arrested and put in jail should take a lesson from me. See, she wasn’t put in jail for her beliefs, she was put in jail for denying a court order, because she’s a dumbass. I haven’t gotten a court order, and until I do, I’ll keep doing my thing. If that order ever comes, well, I’ll just resign. My Lord and my principles come first.”
When asked what specific religion Fine was that allowed homosexual marriage but not straight marriage, he declined to comment.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In a country where people are more divided than ever, the US government has decided that the standard “stars and bars” American flag has become something of a misnomer when it comes to describing how the nation stands.
“At one time, the flag stood for patriotism, unity, and the greatest nation on Earth,” said US Senator Mike Jollie. “As of late, with a country divided so fiercely on nearly every possible issue, with a country fighting amongst itself over things as trivial as religion, gay marriage, and even – for some reason – civil rights and unrest, well, it’s time that we have a flag more representative of where we stand today.”
Suggestions made by the Senate include a solid black flag with a gun in the middle, a solid red flag with a black hand and a white hand flipping each other off, a rainbow colored flag with a silhouette of two penises, and just a solid white flag with no imagery.
“The last idea, the solid white flag, seems to be the one most people are leaning towards at this point,” said Jollie. “A solid white flag or cloth has always been a sign of surrender, and at this point, we really should just be giving up. This country has become the laughingstock of the world, so why not?”
Artists and designers from across the country are urged to submit their flag ideas through the website of the white house, www.whitehouse.gov.