California Passes Law to Completely Ban Cigarette Sales

Posted on January 31, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

Lawmakers in California have passed a new law through the House that will completely abolish the sale of cigarettes throughout the state, according to reports. The new regulation, which will cost the state billions in tax revenue, will supposedly save upwards of 2 million lives per year.

“We have known forever that smoking is stupid shit, so why are we still selling cigarettes? Why is this still a thing?” said Representative John Lyman – D, California. “There is absolutely no reason to smoke. None. It doesn’t have a single actual benefit. It’s not like smoking weed, which, let’s face it, is awesome. Banning the sale will save lives, and help children not pick up the habit.”

The law will not go into effect until January of 2020, but Lyman says he hopes that many stores stop selling before then.

“I doubt they will, but it really is something we’re hoping the public helps us with,” said Lyman. “I mean shit, this isn’t Alabama. We’re a lot more sophisticated here.”

Muslims Send Letter of Thanks To Trump For Banning Them From Entering U.S.

Posted on January 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SYRIA –

A group of Muslims has sent a nice letter and package to the office of Donald Trump at the White House, after he banned their entire country from entering the United States.

The group says that they are “overjoyed” that they will not be allowed to enter the country, as they say Donald Trump has turned the place into a “full blown shit show.”

“There was a time where all I ever wanted was to visit the United States. I saved for years to be able to visit, and then Donald Trump took over,” said Farook Mashud. “He has taken the country and basically turned it around, bent it over, and fucked it like a goat in heat. There is no reason to visit anymore, and now I am happy to be banned.”

Many Muslims around the globe shared Mashud’s sentiment, saying that they will just “wait four years” before they try to come again.

“Even if the ban is lifted, I see no reason to go to the United States anymore,” said Khalmid Bariel. “I really wanted to visit with Obama was running things, but with that white devil turning the country into a giant pile of feces, I do not want to take a chance of being beaten or murdered while visiting. I will stay in Syria.”

National Anthem To Be Outlawed At Sporting Events, Public Gatherings

Posted on November 27, 2016 by skullman

As Reported By ABCNews.com.co:

Early this morning, President Obama made what could very well prove to be the most controversial move of his presidency with the signing of Executive Order 14302, which makes it illegal to perform the national anthem at sporting events nationwide. Under the new order, it is now illegal to perform or recite the national anthem in any public venue. Because the anthem is primarily performed before sporting events, this is where the new order will have its biggest impact. Individuals who violate this order can face fines of up to…

READ FULL STORY HERE

Facebook Announces Ban On All Religious Posts, Images

Posted on September 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SANTA BARBARA, California –

Mark Zuckerberg announced this morning during a public forum that Facebook, the world’s number-one most trafficked website, would be soon putting a block on all religious-themed material, including posts, videos, images, and more.

“We are working diligently to keep Facebook a trigger-free zone,” said Zuckerberg. “We’re starting with religion, because as everyone knows, that is the cause of all the world’s problems. After we square that away, we will start removing posts about other triggers, such as feminism, rape, workplace issues, college, bad music, bad TV, bad movies, and so on.”

Zuckerberg says that his plan is to make a website that is so stale and boring, that its users are forced to enjoy it, in what he calls “twisted logic.”

“You see, when a user comes to the site now, they are usually angry. They come to make posts about their bad day, the horrible TV show episode from last night, the new movie trailer they can’t stand,” said Zuckerberg. “We will be taking all of that away. It will be the world’s safe space.”

Herbal Supplements To Be Banned From Markets By 2017

Posted on July 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A daily supplement or two has become routine for many Americans, but a report is highlighting how these substances can sometimes be harmful. A bill before congress is pushing for anything not falling under the regulation of the Food and Drug Administration to be banned.

The movement to ban herbal supplements is based an extensive report by Consumer Reports, showing how producers of dietary supplements face little regulation from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and why that can be dangerous for those taking supplements. Supplements can have side effects, and retailers and pharmacists may not understand how supplements can interact with a person’s medication, the report said. Additionally, since supplements are regulated as food, the ingredients do not have to be proved safe and effective in the same manner prescription drugs are by the FDA.

Dr. Donna Seger, the director of the Tennessee Poison Center, said that many people do not think about supplements’ potential consequences on their health. “An estimated 23,000 people every year end up in emergency rooms after taking supplements, and there’s no real proof they do any good whatsoever.”

Others say this is just another instance of “big pharma” buying off politicians. Herbalist Tray Reed says,“It’s not supplements that do they harm, it’s these drug companies. They pump you full of a drug that costs hundreds of dollars when some unpatented supplements would do the trick for a fraction of the price. Then you have to take another drug to fix the side effects of the first drug. It’s a scam.”

Could Denying Russians From Olympic Games Start Another War?

Posted on June 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil –

Analysts fear tensions with the Russians could lead to another war if the Russians are banned from participating in the Olympic games. The Russian sports minister says “up to 67 athletes” have applied to track and field’s world governing body to be exempted from the ban on the Russian team at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics

The IAAF is unlikely to approve most of the 67 athletes, since it has previously indicated the exemption is aimed at a small minority of athletes based abroad.

When a global governing body for sports barred Russia’s track and field team from the 2016 Summer Olympics on Friday over a wide-ranging doping scandal, it was greeted in Russia, as is with a deep sense of victimhood.

President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia called the decision “unjust, of course.”

Mr. Putin said, “Russia is strengthening antidoping controls and athletes should bear personal responsibility for using performance-enhancing drugs.” Punishing the whole team, he said, “doesn’t fit any norms of civilized behavior.”

Outside Russia, sporting officials viewed the unanimous decision as a long overdue restoration of some fairness in competitions. After all, in some sporting events Russian athletes had been trouncing competitors for years before it turned out they were using performance-enhancing drugs.

FDA Lifts Ban on Cat, Dog Meat; Agency Will Allow Use In Restaurants, Home Cooking

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Food and Drug Administration in Washington, D.C. has reportedly lifted an age-old ban on cat and dog meat that kept restaurants from using the ingredient in their dishes. The move comes after a petition signed by over 2 million people on change.org that pleaded with the agency to reduce its hold over delicious pet meats.

“I am so excited to hear that the FDA has lifted the ban on cat meats, as it is a delicacy, and it is delicious,” said 4th-generation Chinese restaurant owner Chow “Joseph” Han. “Those of us who have been eating and serving cat secretly for many years are breathing a massive sigh of relief in no longer having to hide our ingredients.”

According to Han, this also means that the meat that they will use will come from cleaner, safer animals.

“Because the FDA was not allowing us the use of certain meats, namely those of cats and dogs, we would have to catch strays to make sure that people didn’t know where the food came from,” said Han. “Oftentimes, those strays were mangey or dirty, and may have had rabies. Now, with the lifted ban, we can control the food, and the meat will come from clean, regulated animals.”

Cat and dog meats, which are commonly consumed in other countries, had been banned in the United States since 1904.

New Jersey Elementary School Has Halloween Parties Despite Criticism

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONGFELLOW, New Jersey –

The Longfellow Elementary School in New Jersey is taking some serious criticism from parents and religious groups, after they sent letters home with students indicating that they would have Halloween parties on Friday whether “parents liked it or not.”

“We have a vast array of students here, and not all of them come from families whose religious or conservative views make them boring, brainless, and complete sticks-in-the-mud,” read the letter written by school administrators. “We’ve had Muslims, Christians, and every other religion asking us to NOT have Halloween parties, and we think that is rubbish. Kids will be kids, and we want them to have some fun during the school day. If you don’t like it, keep your kid home.”

The administration is taking some heat for the move, with many parents saying that they don’t want their kid involved in the “Devil worship” that happens on Halloween.

“Most parents are pretty damn stupid, and that’s what this comes down to,” said school principal John Freemont. “Halloween is about fun for kids. It’s not about the Devil. It’s not about witchcraft. For the kids, it’s about some candy and bobbing for apples. These parents who don’t want their kids to celebrate the holiday don’t have to send their kids to school. Of course if they don’t, they will have to come make up that day at the end of the year.”

Freemont says that any parent who has concerns about the holiday are welcome to call his office, where he says he has an answering machine already rigged up.

“It just tells them to kiss my school’s metaphoric ass,” said Freemont. “No one is taking away the fun from my students. Not even their parents.”

France Bans Skinny Dog Models in All TV, Print Ads

Posted on July 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PARIS, France –

Following a ban on fashion models who are considered “too skinny”, France has continued to lead the way in body acceptance by announcing a ban on skinny dog food models. It is yet another attempt to convince dogs that skinny is not always better, and alert them of the dangers of being too thin. The SPCA have commended the French parliament, and asserted their belief that measures such as these will help to curb the spate of dog anorexia.

“Far too often we have dogs sent to us malnourished,” said chairman of the French SPCA, Victor Houliston. “And so many more come to us with diseases related to food deprivation. It’s time to stop this from happening, and banning skinny models is a great start.”

But dog modelling agencies, who face fines of up to $75 000 or 6 months jail time if they do not comply, have hit back, saying that this will further alienate skinny dogs, rather than helping them.

“At the moment, people are biased against fat dogs, but soon it will be the skinny ones who are without homes,” said Albert Camus, founder of The Dog Agency. “You’ll walk through those corridors at the homes for neglected dogs, and see puppies with barely anything more than skin and bones, and no one will want to take them. It’s totally counterproductive and bound to fail.”

Houliston responded that Camus’s rationale is manipulative, and that it “just doesn’t work that way.”

“Camus is admitting that there is a problem – that this is just not the way to solve it. But that works against him, because his agency is taking advantage of that problem. That is all we are trying to change. Anorexia is spreading like wildfire, and we are already seeing skinny dogs being kicked out of their homes. Our policy is not what is causing that.”

At press time, the French parliament had approved an amendment to the law, which will ensure that all skinny dogs out of employment will be compensated and supported until they can find new work.

Missouri Congress Proposes Bill Prohibiting Sale Of Video Recording Devices To African-Americans

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri –

With the riots and outrage sparked by videos of unarmed black men being abused by police on camera, the Missouri congress has proposed a bill prohibiting the sale of all video recording devices, including cell phones with camera, to all blacks with a Missouri address.

The proposed bill, which is being called The Blindfold Act, would not only prohibit all black citizens in the state from buying camera phones or other video recording devices, but would also require all blacks already in possession of the items to hand them over to their local police department. Compensation for the device would be provided, up to $150. Those who fail to follow the instructions of the Missouri government would then be charged with a felony if found in possession of a recording device.

Senior Senator of Missouri, Democrat Claire McCaskill, has issued a statement to press, explaining the bill in detail and all but guaranteeing that the proposed law would more than likely be passed when congress votes on the proposal in January.

“One thing democrats and Republicans both can agree on in this state is that the black community all across Missouri commits a much higher percentage of crime than any other race, putting them on the biggest stage, in front of the most irresponsible citizens, who always seem to meddle in the business of the police.” said McCaskill.

Even Democratic Representatives Lacy Clay Jr., and Emmanuel Cleaver II, who are the only African-American members of the Missouri congress, are in full support of the proposed bill.

“Until the black community learns how to keep from being caught by police, we don’t deserve to possess the ability to video tape police who are just trying to do their jobs,” Clay Jr. said. “We have too many of our people living off the government, collecting checks, yet they still complain on how we conduct our business. They need to quit meddling, for real.”