EPA, President Obama Seek To Outlaw Gasoline, Diesel Engines In Automobiles

WASHINGTON, D.C. – EPA, President Obama Seek To Outlaw Gasoline, Diesel Engines In Automobiles

For over a century, Americans have been getting from place to place by relying on crude oil and fossil fuels. You might say that it is a part of our culture; gas guzzling hot rods and slicked back hair have given way to gas guzzling Hummers and slicked back hair.  But now, a new emergency legislation, penned by a group of up-and-comers at the EPA, will make gasoline engines a thing of the past.

EPA Special Studies Chairman, Akiko Kim, explained the need for the new law in a largely ignored Congressional Hearing back in October of this year.

“You have all these midlife crisis Corvettes, and these Over-Testosteroned off-road trucks out there, just belching carbon into the air. These people are Mongoloids. They are killing their own children and they don’t even care,” said Kim. “There is no accountability. I wish we could put them all in FEMA camps. Sadly, we can’t, so the next best thing should be done, and that is to take away their toys in an attempt to destroy the life they lead.”

The law would see all cars that do not pass emissions tests (including classics, which have been exempt up to this point) impounded if they are operated on public property. This new ruling would start in July 2015, the start of the government’s fiscal calendar. The auto industry would also be banned from releasing any further gasoline models.

Kim thinks it is a good start. ”These rich guys just cruising around in their classic gas guzzlers are gonna get a wake up call. And these automakers who have been killing us for years will find themselves out of business if they do not adapt. Electric and alternative-fuel vehicles are the way of the future, and they should rapidly become the way of the present, too.”

“I don’t care ’bout them fuckin’ tree huggers,” said long-time diesel enthusiast Joe Lee Roberts. “I’ll roll coal on the EPA lawn, and if they don’t like it, we can schedule a second amendment meeting.”

President Obama, who is known to be an avid supporter of all things environmentally friendly, is expected to sign the bill into law after the Christmas holiday break.

Water To Be Banned In Washington Public Schools After Board Finds It ‘Unhealthy’

SEATTLE, Washington – Water To Be Banned In Washington Public Schools After Board Finds It 'Unhealthy'

A new food regulation passed by the Washington State School Board is set to start after the holiday vacation.

Beginning in January, all water and ‘water-related products’ will be banned from public schools. The decision was made as a safety measure with board leaders claiming water is too unhealthy to have in any school.

“With childhood obesity, food allergies, and other concerns with what our schools feed children, you would have to think water would be the last thing that would be banned,” said school board member Joan Myles. “But we don’t have the money to test the local water system, and fear an unclean water source can lead to health issues that could make our children sick or shut down the school.”

“We have decided to cut out the middle man and save a few dollars, while making sure the risk of water won’t plague the future of our schools,” said school board president Richard Head. “Programs in schools are getting cut left and right, and now this is just another thing that will become a past memory when thinking about your schools, like music education or pizza day.”

Parents have argued that students should be able to drink water brought from home while in class, as many local residents have private wells on their property, but school board has said that will be a no-go either, as they are claiming it as a possible ‘choking hazard.’

“Lunches that will be provided at the school will also have to be made without water,” said Head. “The portions will also be cut down so children can properly swallow their food without choking. Don’t think of this is a negative change, just think of it as something that could save your child’s life. They won’t need water, because we have Coca-Cola machines that are being installed in the cafeteria and in several hallways throughout the school.”


New Hampshire Town Bans Halloween, Makes Trick-or-Treating Illegal

LIVERMORE, New Hampshire – New Hampshire Town Makes Trick-or-Treating Illegal

Livermore, a small town in Grafton County, New Hampshire, has become national news today after town residents  have voted to not only ban Halloween activities from their schools, but also to make the act of trick-or-treating illegal. The beloved activity for many children, held annually on October 31st, was officially made a misdemeanor within town limits on Wednesday.

Town mayor Bob Appel explained the decision to the press early Wednesday morning, saying that banning candy and Halloween from within the schools was ‘not enough’ to keep their children safe from ‘mental harm.’

“Halloween is a dangerous holiday, filled with Satan, Pagan rituals, and dirty, filthy mischievous acts,” said Appel. “For many years, children of this town were allowed to participate in Halloween parties at school, but with those parties the ghosts, goblins, demons, and other evil spirits that all go against the Bible. The younger kids were frightened, and the older kids wanted to know all about Halloween, and its sinister, anti-Christian beginnings.”

The town voted to ban Halloween parties from schools and other public establishments in 2005. This year, though, will mark the first time that trick-or-treating will be completely abolished within town limits.

“Anyone caught trick-or-treating, or any homes that try to give out candy, will be ticketed with solicitation charges, a misdemeanor,” said Appel. “For entertainment, children should sit at home and study the Bible, or work on school projects. Halloween is an unholy night that I, personally, am glad to have had a hand in stopping in our little town.”

“I hated that on Halloween, I almost felt obligated to give out candy, lest I be tricked with rolls of T.P in my trees,” said Margaret Hamilton, a resident in Livermore. “This year I can finally relax in peace, with no little hooligans to bother me. I’d rather just keep my children home than have them out there with others who could be expressing themselves dangerously through costume and satan worship.”

“Personally, I think it’s bulls—,” said Cassandra Peterson, mother of 3 boys in Livermore public schools. “I love Halloween, and so do my boys. We all loved dressing up, watching scary movies, and going out for candy. Hell, we’re not even Christian. I guess we’ll head over a town or two and trick-or-treat there. They can’t ban it everywhere.”

“Just add Livermore to the top of the list of safe, Halloween-free towns,” said Appel. “You’ll never find poison candy or a razor blade in an apple here like you do in those other towns, that’s for sure.”

Congress Proposes Ban On Out-of-Country Destination Weddings

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress Proposes Ban On Out-of-Country Destination Weddings

Amid controversy and facing the lowest approval rating in history, members of the U.S. Congress begrudgingly cut short their summer recess and returned to Washington one week early, in order to pass a number of emergency measures.

“The growing conflict in the Middle East, and our own economic crisis closer to home mean that we all have to make sacrifices,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing paler than usual.  “My golf vacation was cut short, so I spent less time in the sun,” he said.  “That was my sacrifice.  The President still has not managed to pull us out of the deepest recession we’ve ever faced, no matter how many bills he sends down to us that we refuse to act upon.”

One proposed economy-saving measure causing a great deal of uproar is H.R. 7643, The Defense of Domestic Marriage Destination Act, introduced the day after Labor Day.  The bill prohibits destination weddings that take place outside the borders of the United States and its territories in an effort to keep revenue from enriching other countries.

“We’re losing billions of dollars each year because self-centered newlyweds, mostly liberals, refuse to keep American money inside America,” said Rep. Steve King, Republican from Iowa’s 4th District.  Airplanes, hotels, food – all of this capital is being outsourced to foreign countries, and these are just ‘tip-of-the-iceberg’ issues,” he added.  “That’s why I came back early from my vacation trip to Spain.”

In 2013, the U.S. wedding industry generated $51 billion in revenue, according to the financial journal Revenue Tracker.

According to Brides Magazine, wedding photographers, lawn chair manufacturers, spray tan technicians, gown designers, shoe dyers, and ring bearer/flower girl trainers are just some of the 800,000 professionals employed by the domestic wedding industry each year.

Brides’ executive editor Connie Nast says, “This is not the right way to go about fixing the economy.  If I were a bride today, forced with the prospect of keeping my marriage domestic,” says Nast, “I would be absolutely livid with rage.  The government has no right to put restrictions on where and when married couples should have the most stressful and happiest day of their lives.  I was married in London, and it was magnificent.”

New York City bride-to-be Tara Faulkner had this to say, while at her final fitting at Brooklyn’s famous Kleinfeld Bridal.  “Nobody, not nobody, and that includes the President, or even the executive director of Congress or whatever she calls herself – Pelosi, Mary Pelosi I think is her name – well, she’s not going to tell me what to do.  I’m a U.S. citizen of America and if I choose to take my money out of my country, then that’s nobody’s damn business but my own!”

“It’s going to be a rough ride,” said Boehner, as he conferred with aides on plans and strategies for the upcoming last session of the 113th Congress.

Boehner will be meeting with members of Washington’s powerful bridal lobby later in the week.  “Yup,” the Speaker sighed, “vacation’s over.”

Las Vegas Bans EDM, Dubstep Music From Being Played In Public

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Empire-News-Las-Vegas-Bans-House-EDM-Dubstep-Music

Las Vegas mayor Betsy Fretwell announced today that the city, which has a long history with music and nightlife, has decided to ban all electronic dance music, dubstep, house, and any other “annoying sounds” from being played in public. The ban would not just be for people playing it loudly in their cars while driving or in their homes, but it also bans all artists from playing that kind of “music” in any club or casino within the city limits.

“We may be known as Sin City to people around the world,” said Fretwell. “But what we are not is tolerant of bad performances. This city has a history of outstanding music. The strip has been home to everyone from Frank Sinatra and Elton John, to Garth Brooks and Britney Spears. We love all types of music. That said, though, this so-called ‘dubstep’ and ‘EDM’ – these are not musical genres. They are noise, and they are obnoxious. The people of Las Vegas don’t want talentless hacks filling our casinos and nightclubs.”

Fretwell said that the ban would have to be strictly enforced by all private casinos, or they would face fines.

“We are pretty positive that the casinos and clubs of Las Vegas will abide by this new ban. Even if they don’t, it will be so strictly monitored by the people who live in this city, a club would be stupid to book a show. They’ll know that the city will tear them apart like a fat man eating at an all-you-can eat buffet.”

“To be honest, this won’t hurt our business at all.” Said Mark Tidwin, president of the Sands Casino on the strip in Las Vegas. “We very rarely would book crap like that, so it isn’t going to bother us that we can have that Skrilly guy here, or whatever his name is.”

Las Vegas is the first city in the country to outright ban dubstep music, although many other cities have ordinances that only allow it to be played in areas where there are no homes or businesses. Decatur, Alalbama, for example, has a regulation that dubstep “can only be played between the hours of 3pm and 5pm, and must be only played in an area where it cannot be heard by anyone within a 30 mile radius.”

Opponents of the ban were hard to find, as most self-respecting people that were asked would not admit to listening to that type of music. Even one teenager in Las Vegas, who was wearing a t-shirt for Deadmau5, a house music producer, denied listening to that type of music when questioned about the ban.

“I just like the design on this shirt. I got it on clearance at Hot Topic.” Said the teen. “Does anyone actually like that garbage if they’re not on drugs? I mean hell, it’s just a dude pressing buttons on his computer.”

Fretwell says she is glad that the ban was passed with no push-back from the city council.

“It’s a great day. I can go outside, and I can hear the drunks and the slot machines, the old folks and the high-rollers. Thank God, though, I don’t have to hear any wub-wub.”


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