EPA, President Obama Seek To Outlaw Gasoline, Diesel Engines In Automobiles

Posted on December 23, 2014 by mike the inkman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For over a century, Americans have been getting from place to place by relying on crude oil and fossil fuels. You might say that it is a part of our culture; gas guzzling hot rods and slicked back hair have given way to gas guzzling Hummers and slicked back hair. But now, a new emergency legislation, penned by a group of up-and-comers at the EPA, will make gasoline engines a thing of the past.

EPA Special Studies Chairman, Akiko Kim, explained the need for the new law in a largely ignored Congressional Hearing back in October of this year.

“You have all these midlife crisis Corvettes, and these Over-Testosteroned off-road trucks out there, just belching carbon into the air. These people are Mongoloids. They are killing their own children and they don’t even care,” said Kim. “There is no accountability. I wish we could put them all in FEMA camps. Sadly, we can’t, so the next best thing should be done, and that is to take away their toys in an attempt to destroy the life they lead.”

The law would see all cars that do not pass emissions tests (including classics, which have been exempt up to this point) impounded if they are operated on public property. This new ruling would start in July 2015, the start of the government’s fiscal calendar. The auto industry would also be banned from releasing any further gasoline models.

Kim thinks it is a good start. ”These rich guys just cruising around in their classic gas guzzlers are gonna get a wake up call. And these automakers who have been killing us for years will find themselves out of business if they do not adapt. Electric and alternative-fuel vehicles are the way of the future, and they should rapidly become the way of the present, too.”

“I don’t care ’bout them fuckin’ tree huggers,” said long-time diesel enthusiast Joe Lee Roberts. “I’ll roll coal on the EPA lawn, and if they don’t like it, we can schedule a second amendment meeting.”

President Obama, who is known to be an avid supporter of all things environmentally friendly, is expected to sign the bill into law after the Christmas holiday break.

Jeep To Market ‘Inner-City Wrangler’ Model Designed To Protect Against Civil Disturbances

Posted on December 9, 2014 by Abe Abrams

DETROIT, Michigan –

Chrysler announced today a new special edition Jeep model they are developing. The vehicle, which will be based on the Jeep Rubicon, is said to be specially designed to protect the occupants from riots and civil disturbances, as well as police and military actions.

The new Jeep, known as the ‘Inner-City Wrangler,’ begins its production run in January, and is already a hit with buyers, who have been putting down deposits in cities like Chicago, St. Louis, New York, Ferguson, and Los Angeles.

“We are very excited about the ‘Inner-City Wrangler’,” said CEO of Chrysler’s Jeep Division, Mitch Manley. “The ‘Inner-City Wrangler’, or the Inner-City Strangler, as we call like to joke, will come in both two- and four-door configurations, and is designed to keep you safe while driving through this country’s many lawless inner-cities. Protester in your way? Not a problem; large front bumpers will gently nudge those pesky protesters out of the way, but if they don’t move, over 15 inches of ground clearance will enable you to drive over them.”

“Bullet proof glass will keep you safe, while fire resistant paint will protect you from torches and molotov cocktails,” continued lead Jeep designer Harvey Myles. “Special run-flat tires will get you to work no matter what, while high-tech air filters will keep tear gas and smoke out of the cabin. Plus, dark, tinted windows will keep your race hidden from protesters. All of these great features will come standard on every model, keeping you safe from the jobless protesters looking for reasons to loot and riot.”

“I put my order in for one,” said Carmine Classi, a New York City retail employee. “I can’t afford to be late to work, and I’m tired of these protesters blocking the streets and bridges. I’ve been written up twice because of these people who stand right in the middle of intersections, holding their signs and being a general nuisance. When I get my new Jeep, I’ll just drive over the bastards!”

DeLorean Motor Company To Produce Replica ‘Back To The Future’ Time Machines For Public Sale

Posted on November 9, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOUSTON, Texas –

The DeLorean DMC-12 is one of the most recognizable cars in the world. Although the model itself had an original run of less than 10,000 and only was made for one year, the car’s starring role in the Back to the Future franchise made the car a sought-after piece of movie history amongst collectors.

The original DeLorean Motor Company closed its doors in the early 80s, but the name, DMC, and the company that rose in its place to support owners of the original model, has announced that they have partnered with Universal Pictures, the film studio responsible for Back to the Future, to create a replica line of cars from the film. The new DeLorean Time Machine DMC-12 will be made available staring in 2015, the 30th anniversary of the original Back to the Future film.

“There has been talk all over the internet of a real-life hoverboard, and sadly that turned out to not be true,” said DMC spokesman Milton Baines. “When we realized what a massive call there was for Future merchandise, we realized that we could do something really great here at the new DeLorean Motor Company. Initial plans started at the beginning of last year, and we’ve worked closely with the original build team for the movies to get the car exactly as it appears in the films.”

DMC says that the Time Machine version of the DMC-12 that will be available is based on the model shown in Back to the Future II and III.

“It’s going to have the Mr. Fusion on the back, it has to,” said Baines. “I think that movie fanatics, car collectors, and anyone who is a massive fan of Back to the Future is going to want to get this car. We only wish that we could really make it travel through time!”

The DeLorean Time Machine DMC-12 is set to begin sale in June of 2015, and they are being custom-built at an order cost of a relatively modest $25,000 each – the same price that the vehicle cost when new in 1981. The production will mark the first time that a film studio will be a part of a release of vehicles for public purchase.

Helen Keller Driving School Opens In Tuscumbia, Alabama

Posted on September 3, 2014 by DvanL

TUSCUMBIA, Alabama –

John Cadbury has his famous chocolates, William Colgate’s toothpaste is a household name, and now, Helen Keller has a driving school named after her.

The first blind and deaf woman to earn a bachelor’s degree in the United States was author, humanitarian and educator Helen Keller. Born in 1880, Keller overcame the effects of “brain fever” at the age of 2, which left her without sight or hearing. What would have held others back only fueled Keller to overcome these “disabilities” and inspire millions throughout the world.

“Tuscumbia is her birthplace, and we’re proud of her,” says Margaret Cullen, co-owner of what was known as Cullen’s Learn-2-Drive up until last month. “She’s always been my hero,” said Cullen, “and I wanted to pay her tribute.”

Cullen’s “tribute” has made headlines at the expense of the 58-year-old driving instructor’s school, and the town of Tuscumbia.

“I never meant for this thing to be taken the way it’s been taken,” said Cullen. “All of these prank calls and such have started, and I don’t appreciate them, not one single bit! Helen Keller met Eleanor Roosevelt. There’s nothing funny about that!”

Prank calls have only escalated as word of the school’s renaming has spread.

“I had a man call up and impersonate a guide dog over the phone. He asked me if he could come in and help his owner learn how to drive. He disguised his voice and made a lot of “ruff-ruff woof-woof” words and I heard lots of giggling in the background. Distasteful and disrespectful, I say. I hung up but they just called back again, this time pretending to be ‘Toonces,’ that cat that could drive a car on that comedy show I used to watch. I don’t even know if there is such a thing as that. Who has the time to train a cat?”

Local CW affiliate WHDF-TV assigned reporter Carl Lucerne to cover the story as a local feature. “I had no idea this little local story was going to blow wide open,” admitted Lucerne. “When I mentioned to Mrs. Cullen that the story did have an ironic kind of humor about it, she told me that people had become ‘too mean’ these days. I asked her what her husband thought about the sudden notoriety brought to the town and to the driving school, and she said that the two weren’t speaking at the present time.”

“My husband and I are not discussing it right now,” said Cullen. “He thought the calls and attention we were getting were funny, and said ‘I told you so’ when I first came up with the idea of renaming the school. He said ‘don’t mess with the name,’ but I saw things differently, and just wouldn’t listen.”

“On the serious side, many blind people are asking us if we can teach them how to drive, but we aren’t equipped for that. I suppose it can be done, but we don’t have that kind of technology to do it,” said Cullen. “I read in the paper last month that some designer eyeglass company in China named their eyeglasses after Helen Keller. Fancy designer frames that I can’t afford, but I didn’t see that as a joke. I thought it was a nice tribute. It was like saying she could see beyond all her limits. That’s all I wanted to do, but now this thing has turned all wrong. It’s a shame,” she added.

Cullen plans to turn a deaf ear to the ridicule her company is facing. “This town and our school are not laughingstocks,” she said. “I’m just going to pretend I don’t see or hear these mean things. After all, I have a business to run,” she said.

Cullen has no plans to rename the school or revert back to the original “Cullen’s Learn-2-Drive,” a town institution since 1971.

“The signs and cards have been printed,” she said. “What’s done is done!”