You Won’t Believe The Scam That These People Fell For

Posted on May 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

Across the nation people have reported receiving scam calls that falsely suggest they are in trouble with the IRS. In a recent twist to the old scam, that most people would find ludicrous, cons are asking consumers to pay off their debt in iTunes gift cards.

Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine is warning consumers to beware of callers who claim to represent the IRS and ask for payment via iTunes gift cards, after 10 Ohioans recently reported losing between $1,000 and $11,500 to the ploy.

The victims were told to purchase iTunes gift cards, often worth $500 each, to resolve the supposed tax problem. After buying the cards, the victims were instructed to read the numbers on the back of the cards over the phone, and assured that this was a more secure method of payment because they were not giving out their credit card or checking information over the phone. Scammers then drained the cards’ funds, making it nearly impossible for the victims to recover the money.

“Obviously the IRS is not going to call you unexpectedly and demand that you pay off tax debt using an iTunes card,” Attorney General DeWine said. “This is not how the IRS operates. But some people are just dumb. We’re encouraging people with sense to talk to friends, family, and neighbors about this.”

American Psychiatric Association Qualifies Trump Endorsement As Mental Illness

Posted on February 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Psychiatric Association has announced today that after much deliberation, the group has decided to qualify the endorsement of Donald Trump for President as a legitimate medical and mental illness.

“We have interviewed many people who, as bewildering as it is, support Donald Trump for president,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Hastings University Research Facility. “After talking to these people, we see no visible signs of anyone physically forcing them to support or vote for Donald Trump, leading us to conclude that it is, indeed, a mental defect.”

The APA claims that although none of the candidates for president qualify as “amazing,” Trump scrapes so far along the bottom of the barrel that their only choice was to rule support as a mental handicap.

“Frankly, I don’t see what the problem is. He’s not PC, and he says what I’m thinking, and that’s the kind of man that I want to vote for,” said Johnny Rogers, of Houston, Texas. “You can’t keep America great when you’ve got a black Muslim in the White House. Trump will fix this nation.”

“That’s the kind of garbage that almost every one of the Trump supporters we talked to would say,” said Dr. Brown. “You can see yourself, from that statement, and surely from many others you’ve probably seen on social media and in the news, that it’s obvious anyone who thinks Donald Trump is a viable candidate should be classified as having a mental deficiency.”

‘Gaping Mouth,’ ‘Mouth Breather’ Look Actually A Sign of Genius

Posted on January 7, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ROCKFORD, Illinois –

Although a person who lets their mouth hang open may appear stupid or inbred, new studies suggest it may actually be a sign of superior intellect and genius.

Researcher Steven Hildebrandt claims many who let their mouths gape open show more brain activity on MRIs. “They’re using such a large percentage of their brain on intellectual pursuits that their jaws and jowls involuntarily relax.” Hildebrandt says he has found that not all mouth breathers are geniuses, and encourages people not to judge intellect based on mouth breathing alone.

Mareta Romano, the mother of a ten year old who suffers from resting-retard face says, “I couldn’t stand how she let her mouth hang open all the time. I said ‘Dora, sweetie, you look like a goddamn fool.’ After hearing about this study, I still do not feel a young lady should let her mouth hang wide open like that, but I have made her father stop beating her for it.”

Hildebrandt claims that they plan on continuing the study, examining more mouth breathers, with full findings expected to be published later in the year.

Donald Trump Makes Decision To Leave Republican Party, Run Under Nazi Party

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has reportedly made a switch of parties, but it’s something that most of his supporters say they didn’t see coming: the billionaire mogul has left the Republican party in favor of the New Nazi Party.

“Heil Hitler,” said Trump, greeting a slew of guests and supporters at a rally on Saturday evening with a one-handed salute. “After careful consideration, I have decided that a better party for me would be the Nazi party, and plan to remove myself from the running on the Republican ticket in favor of this new, slightly less inclusive party.”

Trump says that the Republicans seem to have “lost their way” over time, and too many Mexicans, illegals, and even African Americans are ruining the GOP.

“When I was a boy, a Mexican was sight to be afraid of, and a black guy on the street meant trouble,” said Trump. “The republicans, they seem to have forgotten what it means to be a part of the GOP – strict regulation and hating anyone not rich, white, and racist. The New Nazi Party is more my style – less trusting of new ways, and far less trusting of illegals. It’s the way things should be.”

Trump’s supporters say that they really don’t care what party he runs under, because he “speaks his mind,” so idiots that appreciate his candor plan to continue their support.

School In Arizona To Automatically Pass All Students To Avoid ‘Hurting Anyone’s Feelings’

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JEROME, Arizona –

A school board in Jerome, Arizona has voted to pass all students through each grade, regardless of the student’s grades or abilities, each year up to, and including, graduation senior year. The school says that it is in an effort to “decrease student drop-out rates” and “increase morale amongst the kids.”

According to the Jerome Gazette, the drop-out rate for students in their school district is a whopping 63%.

“Most kids here, they make it to about 7th or 8th grade, then they drop out. It’s really frustrating. We have good teachers but bad students, basically,” said school board president Larry Moore. “They start leaving when they realize they’ll never graduate anyway, so they’d rather start working at their fast food job then, rather than waiting and feeling sorry for themselves.”

School superintendent Florence Simms says that they decided to just start passing students regardless of their level of comprehension of a subject, and regardless of grades, so that more kids might be tempted to stay in school.

“It doesn’t matter that they know we’re passing them even if they’re completely stupid,” said Simms. “What matters is they’re staying, coming to school for the 8 hours each day, and eventually, something might sink in. I’d rather that they have a little bit more education, even if it’s just learning their times tables or how to write in cursive, before heading off to the world of work than having almost no education. Plus, we sometimes had kids who did apply themselves, and graduated for real. One with honors, even. So how does that make the rest of the kids feel? Horrible. We don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

Students seems mostly pleased with the new rule on automatic passing, saying that they are happy they will end up with an actual diploma.

“I was pretty much ready to drop out,” said 14-year-old Michael Davidson. “My dad dropped out. Grandpa dropped out. Mom dropped out when she got pregnant with my sister. Oh, yeah – my sister dropped out, too. Guess I’ll be the first one in my family to get a high school degree. Shit, maybe I can go to college now, too!”

Simms says that the program is one that she hopes other schools with high drop-out rates will consider, modeling their programs after what Jerome has done.

“It’s a real winner,” said Simms. “This year, we’ll have 14 graduates! That’s 12 more than last year. By 2035, we anticipate having a graduating class of over 200. Mostly because all these idiots who we’re passing through will be boning like mad and having more idiot kids. The cycle is strong, here in Jerome.”