BANGOR, Maine –
A couple has been arrested after it was reported to CPS that they were using their infant son as a “canvas” to practice their tattooing.
Kyle Bruce, 28, and his girlfriend, Felicia Rogers, 22, were taken into police custody after a neighbor in their apartment building heard “hours of a baby crying, and tattoo machines running.”
“Mr. Bruce and Ms. Rogers were arrested after we discovered that they had purchased tattoo equipment from the internet, and were practicing on their baby, 7-month-old Caleb,” said Police Chief Rick Simmons.
In Maine, purchasing and using tattoo equipment without a license is a criminal offense, and the couple added to their crimes with felony assault and endangerment of a minor.
“Their apartment was disgusting, and the child is lucky that he did not get an infection,” said Chief Simmons. “I have confirmed with doctors that Caleb is going to be okay. Sadly, he is just going to be stuck with really bad tattoos as if he were perpetually stuck in the 90s – birds, tribal tattoos, and a tear drop.”
REGINALD, Maryland –
A 12-year-old boy has been arrested and taken into policy custody for allegedly killing his parents with an axe on Thursday evening.
Caleb Dryer was reportedly upset with his parents after they turned off the home internet when Caleb brought home his final report card with several failing grades.
“Those assholes know I can’t live without Facebook, and it wasn’t fair. If I can’t live without getting online, then they don’t get to live at all,” Caleb reportedly said to police.
So far, officers have not released much information on the murders, except to say that they were “gruesome and shocking.”
Attorney John Frugal, who is representing the state in the case against Caleb, says that his remorseless attitude will very likely land him a life sentence.
BRIDGETON, Delaware –
An 18 year old high school senior, Jack Cloutier, was arrested at his school, Madison Sr. High, after his parents filed criminal charges against him. He has been accused of telling his parents he would kill them, after they found and confiscated marijuana from his room and refused to return in.
“First he started dressing in all black. Then his grades started falling. His face began breaking out, and before we knew it he was lashing out at me and his father,” said Mary Cloutier, Jack’s mother. “Of course we knew he must be on drugs, because nothing else could turn out sweet baby boy into such a monster.”
Jack was being held on charges of attempted assault and criminal threatening. His parents say that they refused to return his marijuana because they had smoked it all themselves.
CARSON, Nevada –
A 16-year-old teen has reportedly filed a lawsuit against his parents because he claims that their “faulty genetics” caused him to be born with red hair, and school bullies have been picking on him for years, calling him “soulless” and a “ginger.”
“If my parents hadn’t been weak, pathetic nerds, maybe they could have created someone who didn’t have pasty skin, freckles, and flaming red hair,” said Kyle Jones, who filed the lawsuit after partnering with a lawyer from the ACLU. “Both of my parents were losers in high school, they both have red hair, and they were both bullied for it, too. They should have known that I would also get bullied, and they should have not been allowed to have children.”
Jones says that he would rather have not been born than having to deal with the bullying that he’s endured for most of his life.
“Kids are mean, and because I’m a redhead, they’re more mean than they would be if I was a loser who had dark hair,” said Jones. “Hell, even the goth kids and the emo queers don’t get picked on as much as I do. They deserve to pay for creating me.”
Jones and his lawyers say they are seeking $4.4 million in damages for “emotional and mental abuse.”
GARDNER, Indiana –
Caleb Fartz, 38, has filed a lawsuit against his parents, Mary and Richard Fartz, both 70, after he says they “neglected to get his permission” for circumcision, a procedure that Caleb had done when he was only 4 days old.
“My parents did not ask me if I wanted to have a part of my penis lopped off, and if they had asked, I certainly wouldn’t have given them permission,” said Caleb Fartz. “The doctor must have taken too much off, too, because – not that I like to make this public, really – but I’m not very big down there. If I wasn’t circumcised, I’d be a lot bigger. At least by a couple millimeters.”
“We have no idea where this is coming from,” said Richard Fartz. “We gave him plenty of love as a child. He grew up in a pretty well-to-do home. I’m circumcised. Everyone in my family is. It’s not a big deal. Hell, he just isn’t a big kid. Never was. Nothing to be ashamed about. If he thinks he’s going to get anything out of me, then he can just kiss my smegma.”
According to his lawyers, the younger Fartz, which is pronounced like Fart-Zee, is seeking $650,000 in punitive damages, and another $3.5 million for “emotional distress.”
DELUTH, Mississippi –
A 14-year-old girl is pressing charges against her grandfather after she says he gave her “cheek pinches and kisses” while he visited on her birthday last week.
“Every year, my granddad comes to my house once a year, on my birthday. He always gives me kisses on the forehead and cheek pinches, and I told him ahead of time that this year I would have friends over, and I did not want to be kissed,” said Jessica Jones, 14. “He laughed, and he must have thought I was joking when I told him, because he did it anyway. I was mortified. I had to run out of my own party.”
Jessica’s parents said that they continued with the party despite her absence, and none of her friends even seemed to notice the kissing or the cheek pinching, but Jessica still insists that her grandfather be arrested and charged with sexual assault.
“I want to show all the grown-ups out there that they can’t just touch us whenever they want, just because we’re kids, or just because we’re family,” said Jessica. “My granddad is old. It doesn’t matter that he gave me $100 in a birthday card, he still shouldn’t have touched me like that.”
Jessica says that her parents refuse to pay for a lawyer, so Jessica is using her babysitting money and hoping to find a cheap attorney.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Hilary and Bill Clinton allegedly paid daughter Chelsea, 35, to start a family. Chelsea is expecting her second child. Charlotte, now 16 months old, was born in September of 2014, about a year after Chelsea received a two million dollar incentive to start a family.
Not only did Hilary and Bill want grandbabies, they thought it would look good for the campaign. “The Clinton campaign wanted Hilary to appear to be a hard politician, which they have seen in her career as senator and secretary of state, while also retaining a warm, motherly aspect. Obviously Hilary Clinton’s womb has long ago dried up, and Chelsea is far too old to be cute. Voters like babies. Two is the optimal number. This definitely helped her win the Iowa caucuses,” says campaign analyst Greg Edelman.
Chelsea’s husband, Marc Mezvinsky says even though this ended the freedom the couple once enjoyed, he is happy they decided to take the money and conceive. “I am very lucky to have my kids and such generous inlaws. Sure, we don’t have the same freedom as before, but we’re set for life. And whatever helps Hilary win is good for our family and good for the nation. Clinton for president. All hail Clinton.”
DAMON, South Dakota –
Nora Ladd at first did not know what she was looking at when she found dabs, or “shatter,” in her 17 year old’s room. She at first thought the amber-colored drug was crack, due to the “crack-pipe” type rig and torch found with it. Dabs is a concentrated form of marijuana with up to 90% THC.
Nora immediately went to the internet to find out just what her teenage son, Scott, was up to. Nora says she would have preferred that it had been crack since she read dabs were extremely dangerous. “I read you could blow up from smoking dabs because it’s made with butane. I flushed it down the toilet, fearing for my life because it could have combusted any second. Then I called Bert and we agreed something had to be done.”
Nora insisted Bert, her husband, convert his “man-cave” in the basement, because it was was the safest place for their son to be. She had him quickly transformed the space into a “Rehab” while their son was staying a friend’s for the weekend.
Authorities say that although Scott has been kept in the basement since before Christmas vacation started, the parents will be permitted to keep him there until his 18th birthday in May. Social workers have determined keeping him in the basement is the appropriate thing to do, given the severity of his addiction to marijuana. Natalie Parker of DHHS says, “The basement a clean, adequate facility. It has a private bathroom, mom’s home cooking- really all children should be so lucky.”
Some are calling these measures extreme and say “shatter” is neither explosive or harmful, but local users are either too high, or afraid of coming-out as smokers, to campaign for Scott’s freedom.
SASAFRASS, Mississippi –
A 19-year-old boy was arrested on Monday morning after calling 911 to report that he had murdered his parents.
“I hacked up my parents with a machete,” said the caller via the emergency number. “They pissed me off. They’ll never piss me off again.”
Police say that the teen, whose identity has not yet been released, was peacefully arrested in his home.
“When we arrive on the scene, the parents were everywhere,” said police chief Joel Clarke. “Pieces of mom here, chunks of dad there. It was a ghastly nightmare. The teen was busy taking pictures of himself holding the machete and posing menacingly. He was arrested with no incident.”
“They wouldn’t let me have any fucking cheesecake for dessert,” said the teen, who weighs over 300 pounds. “They were trying to help me ‘lose weight,’ yet they’re stuffing their fat faces with food right in front of me. They deserved it. They’ll be losing weight in hell, now.”
The teen faces first degree murder charges. In the state of Mississippi, he will likely receive the death penalty if convicted.
TOPEKA, Kansas –
A 16-year-old girl was found dead in her home late Friday evening, apparently suffering from a heart attack while masturbating. Her parents, who would only give their first names, Joe and Carol, say they found their daughter, who they wish to not name, after they returned from their anniversary dinner.
“[Name redacted] knew she wasn’t supposed to use her mother’s big, black double-ender, and we’d never thought she’d sneak into our room and take it,” said Joe. “We didn’t really want to bring it up to her, because it’s embarrassing. I’d give anything to go back in time now, and tell her not to use such a big one. She wasn’t ready for that yet.”
“I’ve had so many more years of getting torn up, that really, I needed one that big to even feel it,” said Carol, who claims the dildo was around 9 inches or so in circumference. “[Name Redacted] was just a young girl. She shouldn’t have been taking one so big. It was too much, and her heart couldn’t take it.”
Joe and Carol say that they want their story to be a lesson to all parents, and that talking to your children about the dangers of excessively large sexual toys should be mentioned in the initial “birds and the bees” talk.
“Please, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk to your kids,” said Joe. “They need to know that sometimes, a penis – real or fake – is just too damn big.”