Could Denying Russians From Olympic Games Start Another War?

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RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil – 

Analysts fear tensions with the Russians could lead to another war if the Russians are banned from participating in the Olympic games. The Russian sports minister says “up to 67 athletes” have applied to track and field’s world governing body to be exempted from the ban on the Russian team at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics

The IAAF is unlikely to approve most of the 67 athletes, since it has previously indicated the exemption is aimed at a small minority of athletes based abroad.

When a global governing body for sports barred Russia’s track and field team from the 2016 Summer Olympics on Friday over a wide-ranging doping scandal, it was greeted in Russia, as is with a deep sense of victimhood.

President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia called the decision “unjust, of course.”

Mr. Putin said, “Russia is strengthening antidoping controls and athletes should bear personal responsibility for using performance-enhancing drugs.” Punishing the whole team, he said, “doesn’t fit any norms of civilized behavior.”

Outside Russia, sporting officials viewed the unanimous decision as a long overdue restoration of some fairness in competitions. After all, in some sporting events Russian athletes had been trouncing competitors for years before it turned out they were using performance-enhancing drugs.

Government Plans To End ‘War On Drugs’ By 2018

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

People of all stripes are asking a question, “Should all drugs be legalized?” For many people, the answer is yes, traditional, younger liberals are not the only ones who agree.

“There are many academic and anecdotal reasons to support the belief that all drugs should be legalized and the money spent for incarcerating those convicted of possession or even low-level dealing should be spent on rehabilitation and jobs training instead,” says Republican Senator Roy Blunt. “We are working on a bill that will end the war on drugs, so we can focus on more important things like the war on terror. If there are less drug offenders in our overcrowded prisons, there will be more room to incarcerate suspected terrorists.”

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This attitude is representative of most Americans, as attitudes about drugs have changed drastically over the last 15 years. According to a Pew report, in 2001, 47% of all Americans supported the notion that states might eliminate mandatory sentences for drug users. At the time, the news was full of drive-by shootings and turf wars all over the nation and the citizenry as a whole was tired of violence. By 2014, 67% of Americans believed that mandatory sentencing was wrong for lower level possession and dealing of drugs. People believed it was more important to focus on treating drug users, and this included people caught with cocaine and heroin.

CIA Picking Up Terrorist Chatter, Warns Of Valentine’s Day Attacks On American Soil

CIA Picking Up Terrorist Chatter, Warns Of Valentine's Day Attacks On American Soil

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

CIA Director John Brennan warned today of that the CIA and Homeland Security have been picking up increasing terrorist chatter over the past several months. Director Brennan spoke of possible suicide bomber attacks in all 50 states, with all signs pointing towards attacks happening on Valentine’s Day.

“We are seeing a lot of internet terrorist activity, all pointing at major suicide bombing attacks on February 14th,” said Brennan. “All major cities should be on high alert, and on the lookout for suicide bombers.  We are not sure why Valentine’s Day is being talked about specifically, as it has no significance in the Muslim world. The best we can figure out is that they know restaurants, movie theatres, and porno shops will be crowded, making them high value targets for the bombers. Wait, are there still porno shops around?”

Muslim gas station attendant, Mofak Aswad, said “It’s not easy being in America on Valentine’s day. There’s a lot pressure to have a date, or be with someone you love. It’s not easy for me, and I love America, I can only imagine how a lonely terrorist feels. Muhammad promises 72 virgins for those who kill in his name – oh, how I envy the suicide bombers, man those guys are going to get lucky!” 

“If I wasn’t in jail, I would blow myself up, just so I wouldn’t be alone on Valentine’s day,” said Gitmo detainee Haid D’Salaami. “I’m hoping Obama lets me go in time, because I can’t bare the thought of another lonely Valentine’s Day. I would gladly blow up myself and all you Godless infidels  just to get my hands on those virgins the Prophet promises. Praise Allah!”

Russia Drops Nuclear Bomb On Ukraine, Warns U.S. May Be Next

Russia Drops Nuclear Bomb On Ukraine, Warns U.S. May Be Next

 

DONETSK, Ukraine – 

Government officials in the Ukraine are confirming reports this morning that the Russian military has dropped a nuclear bomb just outside the city of Donetsk. The explosion, which was caught on film by several people located only 15 or 20 short miles from the blast site, has reportedly leveled an entire city.

“Strained relations with Russia, as separatists try to regain control of our government and join our country with the former Soviets, has caused issues for a long time,” said Ukrainian government spokesman Vasyl Borys. “At this time, we have no further comment on the matter except to confirm that a bomb was dropped near Donetsk, and that Russian military agents have claimed responsibility.”

A Russian military doctrine states that the country is only entitled to use nuclear weapons as a last resort, and normally only in retaliation for an attack, or impending attack, against the country.

“Frankly, our doctrine is straight der’mo. In English, just shit. Utter shit,” said Russian military general Vladmir Bulgakov. “I am not waiting for anyone to attack me. I will do what I want, when I want, and attack any country, at any time. Ukraine, China, Serbia, Germany…they are all just places that should be vyrovennyy, leveled. Indeed, United States is next target for Russian military. U.S. military, they are sukas. Bitches. I will make sure we crush them all.”

President Obama, who is on vacation in Jamaica with his family, could not be reached for immediate comment on the Russian threat. General Joe Goldsmith, of the United States Army, said that Russian forces were of “no real concern” to the United States at this time.

“Speaking on behalf of the United States Military, I’d just like to say that Russia, or any country that threatens us for that matter, can go straight to hell,” said General Goldsmith. “We have the strongest military in the world, and we don’t take any shit. They can drop all the nukes they want on the Ukraine. Hell, I didn’t even know the Ukraine was a real place until I heard the news. But trust me – no one is going to drop bombs on the United States.”

 

Canadian Prime Minister Threatens Attack On U.S.

MONTREAL, Quebec, Canada – Canadian Prime Minister Threatens Attack On U.S.

With the United States facing random threats from countries all over the world, it appears we may have overlooked our close neighbor. Officials in Canada’s war room have announced they will attack the United States if they continue to be ignored.

Reports indicate that Canada has attempted to speak with the United States, specifically with President Obama, about many different issues that they are facing. Healthcare, the war overseas, and illegal immigration are just a few. With so much on America’s lap, it appears that they have ignored they request and Canada is not happy.

“For the entire life of this country, we have been there for the United States. Whether it be as a safe haven for their draft-dodging citizens, or as folly for their comedy on South Park. A man can only be pushed to far before he begins to get angry,” said Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “We as a nation are getting a lot of backlash from the choices of the American government, and all we asked for was a sit down to discuss how we could end this. Now, we aren’t some noisy neighbors, but enough is enough! We’ve got dozens of people signing up with our military for a potential attack. We would be ready. Never count out Canada, eh!”

President Obama has yet to make an announcement about the issue, but U.S. government officials find it “adorable” that Canada thinks they could possibly stand a chance in attacking.

“Canada is our friend, and they will cool down in no time,” said former President Bill Clinton. “In no way, shape, or form do I think they are being serious about this – they just want to be heard. Canada has always been like the child who can’t get his way, and makes idle threats about ‘taking the ball and going home,’ as it were. I understand some backlash they may be getting from our troubles, but come on now. The only country more laid-back than Canada is Sweden.”

Prime Minister Harper has announced that he will give it 10 weeks before he attacks if he isn’t provided a sit-down with President Obama. “If I get all the way to the ninth week with no response, I will be forced to countdown with warnings. Nine…Nine and a half….Nine and three-quarters. The United States does not want to make us angry,” said Harper.

 

 

Urban Outfitters Stores Begins Carrying T-Shirts Branded With ISIS Terrorist Group Logo

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – Urban Outfitters Stores Begins Carrying T-Shirts Branded With ISIS Terrorist Group Logo222

Urban Outfitters, know for its hipster, bohemian, and bizarre merchandise has created controversy once again, this time partnering with ISIS to sell military style shirts with the ISIS logo. The shirts are in stores now and sales have been surprisingly  positive.

”We are proud to be partnered with ISIS. I support ISIS’ decision to earn money for their cause legally, although we can’t raise them more money than their illegal oil sales, illegal collection of taxes, or even their kidnapping campaigns have, starting a clothing line is a good start towards redemption, in my book,” said Richard Hayes, founder of Urban Outfitters. “I would like to add that we don’t necessarily support all of ISIS’ endeavors, but we do support them in reaching their goals and following their dreams.

Hayes said that just because the militant, terrorist group has a dark past, and a dark present, doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t look forward to a bright future.

“Here at Urban Outfitters, we have always prided ourselves to bring the public a compelling and distinct way to prove they are a little cooler and a little different from everybody else,” said Hayes. “With my help, I hope to see the ISIS brand on everything from refrigerator magnets to jeans, because if it’s cool and edgy, it belongs in Urban Outfitters.”

 “I don’t see the big deal, it’s a cool shirt and that logo is off the hook,” said 15-year-old Urban Outfitters shopper, Jason Swarr. ”The logo has guns on it and stuff, and that’s badass. I don’t really know what ISIS is, but if Outfitters sells it, it’s gotta be cool, and I don’t want to be the only kid not supporting ISIS. The key to fitting in is to liking what everybody else likes, that’s why I shop at Urban Outfitters and that’s why I pledge my support to ISIS and their cool logo.”

 

ISIS Supporter In Houston Beaten Unconscious By Army Veteran

HOUSTON, Texas – ISIS Supporter In Houston Beaten Unconscious By Army Veteran

The Militants of the Islamic State in Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS) have lately become the most fanatical radical organization in the world. Cult-like recruiting tactics have gone global, with reports of American citizens lending support, and even traveling overseas to pledge their allegiance to the anti-American group.

Yesterday in Houston at Dodson Lake Park, one such supporter who had decided to speak out in favor of the terrorist organization and against America was beaten unconscious by a US Army veteran.

The anti-American speaker, whose name has been withheld until a security check can be fully completed, insisted he was exercising his Constitutional freedom of speech rights when he began approaching strangers at the popular water park/playground and quoting from the pro-ISIS leaflets he was handing out.

Vietnam and Gulf War war veteran Jim McDaniels, 61, was spending the day with his wife and twin granddaughters when he noticed a man who he described as ‘a little jumpy’ walking up to everyone handing out leaflets.  “He walked over to us, kind of pushed the thing in our face and said ‘spread the word,’ so I took it,” explained McDaniels. “Then he started to walk away.  The paper had all these symbols on it, pictures of ISIS guards and a map of the United States with a big red X on it next to a frowny face.  ‘Is this shit for real?’ I asked him. I never swear, mind you. But it was so hateful it got under my skin. That’s why I decided to tell this guy to get lost,” said McDaniels.

The vet walked over to the unidentified speaker and asked him to stop handing out the anti-American material.  “I was telling him for his own good – you don’t pick a place like Houston to start talking against the government – you’re gonna get your butt kicked. I just wanted him to get the hell away.”

The protester didn’t take kindly to the advice offered to him by McDaniels. “He got in my face,” said McDaniels, “and started saying it’s his right to say whatever he wants, the US has oppressed people all over the world, blah blah blah and all this other junk.  I fought for his right to speak in not one but two wars, and told him so. Once he found out I was a veteran, he started calling me a traitor, and that’s when I lost it.  I clocked the guy – one punch and boom down he went.  My family stepped in and pulled me away.”

Now the protester is suing McDaniels. “It doesn’t surprise me a bit,” said the veteran. “I knocked the guy out cold.  It’s funny, though, because if he’s so anti-America, he certainly isn’t showing it by doing the most American thing there is and taking me to court.”

As for the lawsuit, McDaniels isn’t worried.  “Believe it or not, I’m not mad at the guy.  I’m sure he’s harmless, but severely misguided, obviously. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’ve got a lawyer, we’ll figure something out, but I don’t think he’ll be coming around the park again any time soon.”

The Secret To How ISIS Is Gaining Support And Funds From Around The Globe

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Secret To How ISIS Is Gaining Support And Funds From Around The Globe

Lead investigators from the Department of Defense have finally straightened out how exactly terrorist group ISIS is getting most of their money.

“It’s amazing to me, that this day and age, this idea didn’t occur to us before scraping the bottom of the barrel,” said DOD Defense Secretary Robert Gates. “As it turns out, this militant group are using self-made crowd funding websites to create and distribute their propaganda, and raise funds to continue their reign of terror. They seek support via the internet from regions they know will listen and back their ideals, and then provide links to their internet pages to those areas. They have secretly amassed billions of dollars for weapons, research and development – and lately most has been  related to destroying the ‘American Pigs’, who they say should ‘never have gotten involved in their business.'”

With the Pentagon learning of the ISIS crowd funding sources, the Department of Defense has been in a panic.  “They are doing crazy things on these sites,” Says Gates. “Just like Kickstarter and most other crowd funding sites, ISIS is offering perks for donations of different levels. The perks start small; ISIS t-shirts and ‘I SUPPORT ISIS’ bumper stickers, but the bigger the donation, the more horrific the perk, including specified bombings and attacks if you donate $250,000 or more. Their end goal is to get enough money to purchase rockets capable of oceanic flight. We are currently looking into which country they may purchase from once they reach their goal.”

After acquiring all of this information, the DOD has now launched a task force whose sole purpose is finding these crowd funding sites and taking them down permanently.  “While it doesn’t erase the problem, it definitely puts a damper on their plans,” Says Gates. “We’re actually reaching out to members of Anonymous to help us, which is something I never thought I’d have to say out loud. At this point in time, though, better to help fight a foreign enemy with, essentially, a domestic enemy, than to not fight at all. I just hope we can eradicate the problem before they discover what kinds of support they could gain by creating a Facebook group.”

North Korea Plans Missile Attack On U.S. Over Seth Rogen Comedy

HOLLYWOOD, California – Empire-News-North-Korea-Aims-Missiles-At-US-Over-Seth-Rogen-Comedy

Funnyman and film writer Seth Rogen has teamed up again with actor James Franco to make a comedy film that is pretty topical in the present day.  The movie, “The Interview,” pits Franco and Rogen as journalists who have one mission: to assassinate Kim Jung Un. Unfortunately, Kim Jong-un is not taking the situation lightly.

“This movie is obviously satire.” Rogen states, laughing hysterically.  “But Kim, he wants to literally attack the country if we release it. He wants us dead. The fact that this crazy dude believes that we want to kill him is absolutely hilarious, and just proves how off his rocker this dude is.”

Franco was less surprised by Jong-un’s reaction.

“Yo, this dude runs a country where every man has to have the same haircut as he does.” Said Franco. “He runs a country where there is a housing unit that has over five hundred houses in it, fully powered and livable, and it sits completely empty, just so that from the sky and the nearby roads the city looks nice, not like a third world [expletive]-hole.  Who better to be rid of on this planet but this guy?  I mean, I’m just an actor, author, director, producer, artist, and model – I am not qualified to do it for real. But in a movie, who better to assassinate a world leader than me and Seth?”

North Korean leaders have seen the trailer for this film, and are not impressed.  Representatives for Kim Jong-un are reportedly so angered, they have called the movie “an act of war.”  According to government officials, US drones have picked up images of North Korea readying missiles, in anticipation of the studio not permanently shelving the film.

“These weapons of mass destruction could devastate California, you know, if they can reach it this time.”  Says secretary of defense Chuck Hagel.  “In all seriousness, yes – we’re talking war here.  but I can assure all fans of Rogen and Franco’s films that the US government has no plans of forcing Columbia or Sony Pictures to not release this film.  It looks quite hilarious actually. We’ll deal with the repercussions later, like we always do.”

Rogen, who was too high to really understand the threat, said he isn’t concerned about real retaliation.

“I mean honestly, how serious is Kim, anyway? Those South Park guys, they made Team America which mocked the hell out of North Korea, and the world didn’t end then, did it?” Rogen said. “At most, they’re just going to ban the movie in North Korea, and who cares? We don’t exactly make bank there anyway.”

The US Defense department has said that there is no reason to worry, and more than likely North Korea is just engaging in a metaphorical “dick-wagging” contest.

“Their missiles are garbage anyway.” Said Hagel. “If they want to start a war over a movie, we’ll wipe them off the map. They might have some pretty big guns, but our guns are bigger. USA! USA!”

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