NASCAR Driver Kurt Busch’s Ex-Girlfriend Admits He Was Right, Says ‘I Am A Trained Assassin’

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DOVER, Delaware –

In a deposition last week, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch stated that he believed his ex-girlfriend, Patricia Driscoll, was a trained assassin.

“Everybody on the outside can tell me I’m crazy, but I lived on the inside and saw it firsthand,” said Busch, who stated that he believed Driscoll traveled the world as a hired killer, and that he once caught her in their home, covered in blood.

Initially denying the claims, Driscoll stated that Busch was just taking plot elements from a movie script that she had been writing, and that he had read. This morning, though, Driscoll shockingly admitted that the screenplay she had been writing was autobiographical, and that she was, indeed, a trained assassin.

“It’s true that I have travelled the world, and I am a trained assassin,” began Driscoll in a surprising statement. “I am currently writing a screenplay based on my life as a member of The Foot, a secret clan of ninja assassins that have been fighting our enemies for decades.”

Driscoll claims that she first joined The Foot clan almost 15 years ago, and quickly became one of their most deadly warriors.

“They sent me all over the world, hunting people who they said we our enemies. I have killed many people in the name of The Foot, although our greatest enemies – Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, and Donatello – have evaded me for years. Sadly, Kurt has blown my cover as a covert, deadly assassin, so I must go into hiding before I am captured or killed.”

Busch, who was later asked about Driscoll’s announcement, said that he wasn’t surprised.

“I knew that she was deadly. I’m telling you, guys, she killed Bin Landen! She killed Hussein! She probably killed JFK! I don’t know. All I know is, I’m glad this is all out in the open, now. See – I’m not crazy! I’m not! She’s a killer!”

Busch is reportedly being taken into hiding by NASCAR officials, out of fear of retaliation from The Foot Clan.

Former ‘Legends Of The Hidden Temple’ Contestants Come Forward, Allege They Were Molested By Host

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ORLANDO, Florida –

Several former participants on the 90s Nickelodeon TV show Legends of the Hidden Temple have come forward this week, alleging that while they were contestants, they were molested by the show’s host.

The former contestants, who are being identified by only by their first names, John, Marc, and Ray, were all 11 and 12 years old when they competed on the show in the early 90s. The series, which ran from 1993 to 1995, was a staple for kids from that era, pitting teams such as the Silver Snakes against the Purple Parrots in history and mythology-related quizzes and activities.

All three of the victims, now in their early 30s, say they were molested while they were contestants on the show’s second season.

“Nickelodeon knew it was going on, but they did nothing,” said John. “I’m sure there were others. We all were on different episodes, and none of us believe it was limited to just our experiences.”

“We tried reaching out to executives at Viacom, the parent company of Nickelodeon, but they shrugged us off,” said Marc. “They definitely don’t want the controversy. Well to hell with that. I’ve stayed quiet long enough. We all have, and we’re hoping that coming forward now, we can get the real truth out.”

“It’s all true,” said Ray. “I was on the Silver Monkeys, and we won the game, but I lost when I was running through the temple. After the show, when everyone had cleared out, Olmec called me over to him. He’s a giant talking stone head, you know? He had this massive mouth, and he was telling me ‘It’s okay, it’s okay. Not everyone wins.’ Then he told me to take off my shirt so he could ‘look at me.’ I didn’t know what else to do.”

“A similar thing happened to me,” said Marc. “Olmec…he was really persuasive. He told me to just take my penis out, and rest it on his big stone lips. There was no one around, and he frightened me. I did it, but I didn’t like it.”

The three men say they are filing suit against Nickelodeon for allowing them to be abused while ‘under the care’ of the program. Representatives for Nickelodeon say that Olmec was ‘long ago destroyed’ when Nickelodeon Studios was torn down, and the company should ‘no longer be held responsible’ for the sexual perversions of their show’s prop.

Insane Clown Posse Member ‘Violent J’ Hospitalized, Reportedly In Coma

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

According to reports, rapper and actor Joseph Bruce, better known by his stage name Violent J, 42, was rushed to a Detroit-area hospital Friday morning after falling into a coma.

The musician, who is one half of the Juggalo-duo Insane Clown Posse, was apparently enjoying a quiet breakfast at home with his wife, when he fell from his chair and collapsed to the floor.

“It was horrible, I screamed and practically knocked the table over trying to get to him,” said J’s wife, Michelle “Sugar Slam” Rapp. “He went down like 34 or 35 tons of bricks. He smeared grease paint all over the floor when he went down, and spilled his Faygo all over the place. Thank God the kids weren’t around to see it. What a mess.”

Doctors say the rapper, who is morbidly obese, is in a diabetic coma, and they are monitoring him after injecting the rapper with several doses of insulin.

“Mr. Violent J is a hefty fellow, for sure,” said Dr. George Hatchetman. “His diet, which his wife says mostly consists of donuts, bagels, and Faygo Root Beer floats, is not in any way healthy for a man of his size, with his health problems. It’s a wonder that Mr. J hasn’t had issues before, especially during his wrestling career. It’s amazing he hadn’t suffered a heart attack.”

“Man, that motherfucker could get stabbed in the balls, ass, and face, and still come out on top,” said co-founder and other half of the Insane Clown Posse, Shaggy 2 Dope. “That dude, he’s my Big Baby Sweets. He’s my Goddamn homie, and I know God’s looking out for us from that big motherfucking penthouse in the sky. J is gonna be okay. I’d bet my best neden on that shit.”

Detroit Hospital doctors say that they are currently listing J’s condition as critical, but do not believe that his condition is life threatening. Juggalos from across the country have been gathering outside of the hospital, singing ICP songs, drinking Faygo RedPop, and smoking copious amounts of weed. The police, as well as local FBI agents, say they are keeping a close watch on the growing group, in preparation of any gang-like activities.

Ben & Jerry’s Releases New Ice Cream Names, Flavors For 2015

Posted on January 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WATERBURY, Vermont –

It was just a few months ago that ice cream company Ben & Jerry’s, based in Vermont, had come under a media firestorm for their flavor called ‘Hazed & Confused,’ a hazelnut ice cream with a name referencing the popular 90s film Dazed and Confused.

Although the company clearly meant no harm in the naming, several people pointed out that the name could be seen as promoting ‘hazing’ in schools, and asked for its renaming or removal from stores.

Ben & Jerry’s, which is owned by Unilever, said that instead of changing the name of that ice cream to something else, they would keep it as ‘Hazed and Confused,’ and not give in to detractors. Just this week, they announced more new flavors headed to market very soon.

“We have a history of coming up with fun, creative, and delicious ice creams,” said Stuart Gould, a longtime employee of the company who helps create new flavors. “Sometimes they’re controversial, like ‘Shweddy Balls,’ the Saturday Night Live ice cream. That time, we did change the name. But others, like ‘Americone Dream’ or ‘Phish Food’, those are classics that everyone loves.”

Gould says that because of the controversy surrounding several of their flavors over the years, they have decided to create new flavors, and that they hoped that anyone who was turned off by their ice cream before over naming issues would be sure to buy a pint or two.

“We’re calling the flavor ‘Go Fudge Yourself,’ and it’s so tasty! It’s chocolate ice cream with chocolate walnut brownie and fudge pieces, with a caramel and fudge swirl. We hope that it really gets the point across about how much we don’t give a fudge about negative opinion.”

The company says that ‘Go Fudge Yourself’ will be available starting in February. Other flavors in the line will include ‘Eat Deez Nuts,’ a vanilla flavored ice cream with peanuts and almonds, and another simply titled ‘Non-offensive Pun You’ll No Doubt Bitch About,’ which is a pistachio ice cream with vanilla bean swirl and chocolate-covered coffee beans.

‘Frozen’ Superfan Finds Sexual Subliminal Message Hidden in Disney Film

Posted on January 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A self-professed ‘super-fan’ of the Disney film Frozen said that he has found what he believes to be a graphic sexual innuendo hidden in the film in a form of subliminal messaging.

“It was on my 148th viewing of the film when I first noticed that there was something just not quite right in one of the scenes,” said Marcus Snow. “I’ve been watching the movie at least once a day since it came out to own, sometimes even more than once. I love that movie, and there’s no way I could ever ‘Let It Go.'”

Snow says that while watching the movie, he paused it briefly to use the bathroom, and when he came back, he was very surprised at what he saw on his screen.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Snow. “I’ve watched the movie so many times, but I just happened to pause at just the right second. I sat down, and was about to hit play, and my jaw just dropped. I know that Disney is notorious for putting little dirty things into their movies, but this was just beyond what I could have ever imagined being snuck into a children’s movie.”

As Snow mentioned, Disney has been known in the past to sneak adult, or sexual, innuendos into some of their cartoons over the years. Aside from the obvious jokes that go above some younger children’s heads, there have also been instances of real nudity, such as the few frames of a topless woman in the background of the 1977 film The Rescuers, or hidden words, such as SEX spelled out in grass during the film The Lion King.

“This clearly tops the little things they hid or were supposedly found in their older movies,” said Snow. “I’ve been in love with Disney movies since I was three, and I was about 9-years-old when I first noticed that huge, veiny penis on the cover of The Little Mermaid VHS box. I think that this is even dirtier and just almost too extreme. It’s scandalous in my opinion, because this movie is more popular with young kids than Mermaid was, so this has more opportunity to be seen. I just know that it’s mind-boggling that they would resort to such crude, tasteless humor, even if it is only an inside joke among the animators.”

Disney refused to comment on any possible adult innuendos made in Frozen, and continues to deny allegations about discreet references in previous films.

"I couldn't believe what I saw when I paused this scene," said Mark Snow, 'Frozen' super-fan. — “I couldn’t believe what I saw when I paused this scene,” said Marcus Snow, ‘Frozen’ super-fan. “It’s crazy, and disturbing.” [CLICK TO ENLARGE]

Congress Pushes For Ban On Alcohol Consumption On New Year’s Eve

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

If you were looking to hit your favorite local hotspot for a drink or two on New Year’s Eve, it’s very possible that you might have to change your plans.

In an effort to curb drunk driving accidents and deaths, which are higher on New Year’s Even and early New Year’s Day than at any other point in the year, the United States Congress is seeking to pass a law that would outlaw the public consumption of alcohol on those two days of the year.

“No one is saying that you can’t have private parties, and that you can’t drink at home and have a celebration,” said Congressman George Flint (R-GA), who is spearheading the bill. “There is nothing wrong with a glass of champagne and a toast to the new year. There is, however, something wrong with the thousands upon thousands of violent car crashes and the hundreds of preventable deaths that happen every year on New Year’s Eve as a result of excessive alcohol consumption.”

Flint says that he is finding support among other members of congress, who also see the dangers in allowing heavy alcohol consumption leading into the new year.

“We are fighting hard to save lives,” said Flint. “It is for the protection of the people – it is for your own good – that we enact a law like this to prevent the senseless loss of life.”

According to inside reports, the law has a very good chance of passing, although there is concern that people may still drive drunk when leaving their homes, or leaving a friend’s home, after a party.

“If we can even stop one person from being killed who would have been driving home while annihilated drunk from their local bar, then this law will have succeeded,” said Flint. “We know what is best for everyone, and we will do what we can to protect the people from themselves.”

“If I didn’t fear some sort of cruel, government retaliation, I’d tell them to go straight to hell with this bullshit law,” said bar owner Joe Goldsmith, of Phoenix, Arizona. “Maybe I’ll just close the bar for the night, and have it be for a ‘private party’ or something. If people want to drink, I’ll damn sure find a way to make it happen.”

Two Arrested In Thwarted Attack On Movie Theatre Playing ‘The Interview’

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DULUTH, Minnesota –

Authorities in Duluth, Minnesota have arrested two men in connection with an attempted attack on a movie theatre playing controversial Seth Rogen film The Interview on Christmas day.

The men, whose names have not been released publicly, are thought by police to possibly be terrorists from North Korea, who had plans on detonating explosives during the showing of the film at a small art house movie theatre. According to reports, quick action from a theatre employee ‘saved the day.’

“A theatre usher, whose job it was to tear the tickets of patrons going in to see the films, thwarted what could have been a real disaster,” said Duluth police chief Joe Goldsmith. “His dedication to his job, and to performing his duties, has saved lives today.”

“It wasn’t really that big of a deal,” said Adam Scott, theatre usher. “These two guys came in to see The Interview, and they were carrying bags from the grocery store across the street. We don’t allow outside food into the theatre, so I told them they’d have to go leave it in their car, just like I’ve told hundreds of other people in the 2 years I’ve worked here.”

According to Chief Goldsmith, the two men were actually carrying homemade explosives in the bags, with plans to destroy the theatre during the show.

“The two men became very agitated when I told them that they couldn’t bring the bags into the theatre, because as I tried explaining, we don’t allow food that isn’t bought at our concession stand into the auditoriums. They didn’t seem to understand what I was saying at all, and I didn’t understand them, either,” explained Scott. “They ended up storming out of the building. It’s actually not that uncommon to have people get mad when you tell them ‘no outside food or drink.'”

Goldsmith says the two men were arrested shortly afterwards, when a police officer noticed the explosives in the backseat of their car during a routine traffic stop. “They ran a red light leaving the movie theatre plaza,” said Goldsmith. “It was all over for them very quickly, despite their intentions.”

“I kind of feel bad for them,” said Scott. “Obviously, these guys were total morons. I can’t believe North Korea is even considered a threat at all if these are the kinds of ‘genius’ minds they’ve got over there. They were the only two people who’d bought tickets to the film all day. I think most people who want to see it will watch from home. Hell, I can see it for free at my work, and I still just illegally downloaded it. It’s almost kind of ironic to try to blow up a movie that’s going to be such a huge bomb on its own.”

The Interview is now showing at select theatres throughout the U.S. The film is also available for purchase On-Demand via YouTube, Google Play, XBox One, or for free through your favorite movie pirating website.

Boxer Muhammad Ali, 72, Loses A Fight With Pneumonia

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PARADISE VALLEY, Arizona –

World-famous champion boxer Muhammad Ali has reportedly been dealt a knockout blow by a case of Pneumonia. The former heavyweight, 72, was taken to an undisclosed hospital after private doctors in his home where unable to properly treat him for the fluid in his lungs.

“Ali is a hell of a fighter. One day he was floating around like a butterfly, and the next, it was stinging when he’d breathe,” said Ali’s doctor Charles DeMar. “We tried the normal care of a severe flu and pneumonia, rest and antibiotics, but we just couldn’t take care of him well enough in his home. He’s a tough old bastard, though. Hell, instead of being driven in an ambulance, he actually walked the 8 miles to the hospital.”

Doctors say that Ali’s case of pneumonia was caught very early, and that he should be fine in just a couple of days.

“Pneumonia was kicking his ass, at first, and in all honesty, he did lose that first fight when he ended up in the hospital,” said a family friend. “It KO’d him for sure. But Ali, he can go plenty more rounds, even at his age. He’s going to get back in that ring against his poor health, and he’ll knock that pneumonia right the hell out…of his lungs, that is! Doctors say he should be on his way home in no time. He’s an inspiration to everyone, everywhere.”

Ali, who has suffered from Parkinson’s syndrome since his diagnosis in 1984, retired from boxing in 1979, and had his last official fight in December of 1981.

Super Bowl 49 Gets Major Venue Change Due To Failure Of Congressional Lawmakers

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The setting for the 2015 Super Bowl was supposed to be Arizona, at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, but today it was announced that the ‘big game’ would be getting a drastic change in venue. According to league spokesman Dale Gerard, the next Super Bowl is being moved to Belfast, Ireland.

“Unfortunately, because of terrorist threats around the globe, we have made the drastic decision to move the Super Bowl out of Arizona and, indeed, outside the United States entirely,” said Gerard. “The TRIA has got us in a pinch, and we needed to act fast, just in case.”

The TRIA, or the Terrorism Risk Insurance Act, was signed into law in 2002 in the aftermath of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Basically, it established a partnership between the US government and the insurance industry that made terrorism insurance widely available to U.S. businesses, including organizers of major sporting events such as the NFL. Without federal support, most insurers would be unwilling to offer coverage. The current TRIA deal is set to expire on Dec. 31, 2014, and Congress is nearing the deadline too quickly for Super Bowl organizers to take any chances.

“We have partnered, instead, with a private company that assures us that they will underwrite the NFL completely in case of terrorist attack during the Super Bowl. That company’s only caveat was that we have it in their country, and that is Ireland.”

This will be the first time in 50 years of the event that the Super Bowl will not be held inside the United States. Unfortunately for people who had already spent big money on tickets to the game, event organizers say that those tickets will not be valid in Belfast.

“We regretfully have to re-sell new tickets at the new venue,” said Gerard. “Anyone who purchased tickets to the Super Bowl, expecting it to be in Arizona, will have to re-purchase tickets for the event in Ireland. We are sure that anyone who could afford the outrageous price for Super Bowl tickets in the first place will also have no problem buying another set, as well as airfare and hotel stays in Ireland. We hope to see everyone there, and thank you for supporting the NFL!”

Cowboys RB DeMarco Murray Has Hand Amputated During Surgery To Repair Broken Finger

Posted on December 19, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Just a few short days ago on December 17th, DeMarco Murray entered a Dallas hospital to have a routine surgery on his ring finger, which was broken during a winning game against the Philadelphia Eagles in week 15. What should have been an easy fix that had Murray back on the field, possibly within days, has become a the player’s worst nightmare, and has left him incapable of ever playing again.

According to reports from Sports News Nightly, Murray’s surgeons accidentally mixed up his charts with that of another patient at the hospital, and when Murray was brought into the operating room, doctors amputated his entire right hand.

“This is extremely, extremely tragic,” said the Dean of Medicine for Dallas Memorial Hospital, Mark Houston. “DeMarco Murray was admitted to our hospital for a routine surgery that would set and fix his broken finger. Unfortunately, during admittance, his medical charts were mixed with those of another gentleman, who was also admitted at that time, and was having his hand amputated. We are truly, truly sorry for the mix-up. That is all I can say at this point, pending possible legal issues.”

Dallas spokesman Greg Turf said that Murray and the team were completely heartbroken.

“You know, it’s all just part of life’s plan, I guess,” said Murray, with a smile. “How can you really be mad? So I’ll never play again. So I’ll never go long for a pass again. What can you do, you know? Sure, I could take the hospital for everything they’re worth, but it’s only money, right? It’s all just another step towards the inevitable, anyway.” Doctors say that Murray is on extreme amounts of morphine, and that the drug often times creates a feeling of euphoria.

In a bizarre twist, the patient who was scheduled to have the amputation had his finger worked on by surgeons, and a blood clot that had been causing extreme pain in his hand – and, in fact, was the reason for the original need for the amputation – was cured completely.