Pope Francis To Throw Out First Pitch At Philadelphia Phillies Game

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

Pope Francis concludes his first trip to the United States on Sunday by visiting the town that he says has the “least hope” for its citizens getting into Heaven, Philadelphia. After a parade and speech before Congress in Washington, D.C., and a quick stop in New York City, The Pontiff will reportedly toss out the first pitch at a Phillies game against the Washington Nationals, before heading back to The Vatican on Sunday evening.

“Oh yes, his Holiness is a massive baseball fan,” said Vatican spokesperson Gregory Bishop. “He considers it the ‘holy game’ and he watches as many games as he can from his home.”

According to Bishop, Pope Francis has been “extremely excited” for his chance to throw the first pitch at the Phillies game.

“To be honest, the Pope is more of a Red Sox fan, but he wasn’t making it to Boston on this trip,” said Bishop. “Still, Pope Francis is very excited to throw the first pitch at the game on Sunday afternoon. Most people don’t know this, but the Pope used to be a hell of a pitcher back in his day in Argentina. Yes, before he was Pope Francis, good ol’ Jorge Mario Bergoglio was a force to be reckoned with on the mound.”

The game is scheduled for Sunday afternoon at 4pm. The Pontiff takes the mound at 3:55pm, where he will give a short speech before the game.

Man Who Breaks ‘Pay It Forward’ Chain At Starbucks Immediately Killed In Auto Wreck

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOLEDO, Ohio –

Jacob Brunner, 36, of Toledo, was killed in an automobile accident immediately after pulling out of a Starbucks location in his hometown. Although tragic, the news would not normally go viral nationally, except that in this case, Brunner was the person who broke the “pay it forward” chain at the drive-thru window.

“We had 117 cars come through, and every single one of them ‘paid it forward’ by purchasing the coffee for the car behind them,” said Starbucks manager Kris Froth. “The first car of the day came through, paid for their coffee, and then paid for the person behind them as well, just as a kind gesture. When we informed that second car what happened, they offered to pay for the car behind them, and so on, all day. It went on for 8 hours like that, actually. Then Mr. Brunner came along.”

Froth says that when his employee, Jane Moyer, 19, told him that the person in front of him had paid for his coffee, and asked if he wanted to “pay it forward” by purchasing coffee for the next car, Brunner laughed.

“‘Fuck no, that’s retarded’ is what Mr. Brunner said when I told him about paying it forward,” said Moyer. “He said it was dumb, and it wasn’t paying forward anything, it was just paying a ‘little more or a little less’ for your own coffee, based upon the order of the person behind you, and that’s not how paying it forward worked. He took his free coffee and drove off. Then we heard the crash.”

According to police reports, Brunner pulled out of the Starbucks, located on North Rd., and when trying to cross into the turning lane, was struck by a semi-truck. He was killed instantly and reported deceased by a coroner at the scene.

“I guess it just goes to show you that you can never, ever break the chain,” said Froth. “Also, our Starbucks location has a sale on Grande coffees this week. Only $1.99, no coupon needed.”

Johnson & Johnson Plans To Raise Price of Tylenol To $500 Per Pill

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Mississippi –

After hedge-fund magnate Martin Shkreli announced that he would be raising the prices of Daraprim, a drug used to fight AIDS, from $13.50 to $750 per pill, several other companies decided to follow suit by drastically raising prices, including Johnson & Johnson, the trademark owners for the drug Tylenol.

“Frankly, a lot more people get headaches than have AIDS in this country,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesman Larry Myers. “If [Shkreli] is going to raise his prices on such a niche drug, and people will still have to buy it, then Tylenol is in an even better position to raise prices, as many, many more people use Tylenol on a regular basis than would ever use Daraprim.”

Myers says that the average cost of an individual Tylenol pill previously was about 17 cents, or about $8.99 for a bottle of 50 Tylenol pills. Tylenol PM, which is their number-one selling version of Tylenol, sold for about 27 cents previously, or about $13.99 for a bottle of 50.

“Tylenol PM, which many people in North America rely on to sleep easily at night, and wake up pain-free, will also be dramatically increased as well,” said Myers. “We expect to fetch around $800 per pill for the PM version of our flagship drug.”

Myers says that the price increase will not happen overnight, but that consumers should expect to see prices rising slowly over the next several months.

“If Shkreli can do it with Daraprim, then we can do it, too,” said Myers. “I sincerely hope that other drug companies realize that they should not be giving away their product so cheaply, and follow suit by bending customers over, and painfully raping them hard, right in their wallets. If only that monetary rape was a pain they needed Tylenol to get rid of, too.”

New Hampshire Becomes First State To Legalize Tattooing of Infants Following Russian Viral Trend

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

After several viral videos and images hit the web of Russian babies being tattooed, state legislators in New Hampshire have agreed that the trend is a positive one, and have agreed to allow parents to begin having their babies inked in the Granite State.

“Parents have been modifying their babies for years, from circumcision to ear piercing, no one has ever said that we, as a culture, have ever had an issue with changing our baby’s appearance for our own benefit,” said New Hampshire state representative Mary Lambert. “I pierced my daughter’s ears when she was only 4 months old. Had tattooing her been legal then, I would have done that as well.”

Lambert says that although the state has agreed to allow parents to have their babies tattooed, it still must be done in a licensed, professional shop.

“There is already an epidemic of tattoo ‘scratchers’ who buy these cheap, Chinese tattoo machines on the internet, and obtain disguting, non-FDA approved ink and tattoo others from their home,” said Lambert. “This included, previously, people who were under 18 getting nasty, homemade tattoos on a regular basis. We feel this law will help to curb that behavior, as it allows anyone of any age to get tattoos as long as a parent signs a consent form.”

Several other states have reported that they are keeping a “close eye” on any issues encountered by New Hampshire as the state becomes the first in the nation to allow tattooing of anyone, of any age.

McDonald’s To Pay Child Support For Employees Instead Of Providing Raises

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

McDonald’s has been taking fire from underpaid employees for years, with workers demanding a raise to at least $15 per hour, the lowest wage they claim they are “worth.” McDonald’s, which has very few corporate-owned locations and mostly is run by franchisees, have constantly fought back, claiming rightfully that none of their employees are worth or deserve $15 for the menial, easy jobs that they perform.

In an announcement released by the company this morning, though, McDonald’s has agreed to help its massive workforce by paying a large percentage of each employee’s child support payments.

“It came to our attention that a lot of employees needed a wage increase solely to pay for their over abundance of children,” said McDonald’s CEO Ronald McDonald. “As opposed to increasing the hourly wage, which we fear would send more of our employees straight to the liquor store or to their dealer, we have decided instead to allocate funds directly to the state governments, which they, in turn, can divide amongst the families of our employees for their mandated child support payments.”

McDonald’s says that they plan on putting the new payouts into effect on January 1st. In the extremely likely case that both parents work at McDonald’s locations, the money that would go to the parent that has custody will instead be “held” by the company for the child until they have reached the age of 18.

“At that point in time, they can choose to accept the money for either a college education, or for other useful items, such as a car,” said McDonald. “They will never, ever be handed cash or a check, because as stated, we are highly aware that they would more than likely go to use it on drugs or alcohol, just as their minimum wage parents would.”

Teen Burns Down House To Avoid Doing Dishes

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

A 13-year-old teen was arrested for arson Wednesday evening after reportedly burning down the family house to avoid doing the dishes, says the Bangor Monthly News. According to police reports, Joshua Blackwell was arrested after the family’s cape-style home was left in a rubble from a horrific fire.

“I asked Josh to do the dishes before his father and I left for the movies,” said Marsha Blackwell, 44. “Normally that’s not a chore I’d ask him to do, but Greg [Blackwell, Joshua’s father] and I were in a rush. The new Maze Runner movie is out, and we wanted to make the 7:15 show.”

“I never have to do the fucking dishes,” said Joshua during the police interrogation. “That’s a woman’s job. My job is to normally just take out the trash, and I even hate doing that. When my bitch mother said I needed to do the dishes, I got pissed. They didn’t even ask if I wanted to go to the movies, they just left me to scrub all those fucking pots. They deserved this.”

Police say that Joshua Blackwell faces up to 2 years in a juvenile facility if convicted of first-degree arson. A court appointed lawyer for Joshua says that he believes that the boy will be allowed to go free, though, based on the rarely-used tactic of temporary insanity.

“Yes, I think I can get Joshua off from this crime, simply because he was asked to do the dishes, and he strongly believes that’s a woman’s job,” said lawyer Marcus Patton, Esq. “You see, because he has such strongly held convictions, his mother asking him to do such a emasculating job triggered something in him that caused this violent outburst, and he burned down their home.”

“I don’t care how any of this turns out,” said Marsha Blackwell. “All I know is that when Joshua gets home from prison, he’s grounded for a week…and definitely no TV for him!”

Zuckerberg: ‘Dislike’ Button Will Not Be Enabled On Posts By Companies That Buy Ads On Facebook

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CUPERTINO, California –

Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, announced recently that the company would finally release a ‘dislike’ button on the giant social media platform, which they hoped would allow for a sort of “empathy” option for people to choose on statuses that might not quite be appropriate to ‘like.’

One of the biggest concerns from major companies, who spend millions of dollars advertising on Facebook, was that too many people might just randomly click ‘dislike’ on their posts, hurting their reputation. Zuckerberg announced today that, for those companies who spend “substantial money” on ads, they would no longer have to worry.

“If you are a huge business that works with us, we certainly don’t want to let you down with our new ‘dislike’ option,” said Zuckerberg. “So, we have come up with a solution. Any company who spends more than $1 million with us each calendar year will not have the dislike option on their sponsored posts, thus making sure that the only option is to ‘like’ the posts or ads.”

Zuckerberg continued, saying that any company who spent more than $5 million on ads and sponsored posts each year would automatically get a like each time someone scrolled by.

“If you are a major company, and you spend major money with us, we want to keep you happy,” said Zuckerberg. “When a user scrolls by your ad or post, it will automatically register as a ‘like’ from that user, just because they saw it. We are also working on ways to make negative-based comments disappear when left on posts by large companies. A happy big business is a spend-happy big business. We need this, because no one wants to end up like MySpace or Google+.”

CEO Zuckerberg says that keeping big business happy is the only way to see a long-term survival by the social media giant.

Pope During First U.S. Visit: ‘Even God Doesn’t Love Kim Davis’

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Pope Francis arrived in the United States earlier this week, in his first ever visit to the country. The pontiff has a very full schedule during his trip, including speaking before congress and meeting with President Obama, but his initial act upon arriving on US soil was shocking to everyone, as he has apparently agreed to meet with recent headline-grabber Kim Davis.

Davis, who was arrested for defying a court order that stated as a Kentucky county clerk she must provide marriage licenses to gay couples, has been stealing headlines from more important news items for the last 2 months. When Davis heard that the Pope was coming to the US, she begged the Vatican to allow her to have a one-on-one meeting with the Pontiff. Upon hearing her request, the Pope reportedly scoffed at the idea, initially laughing it off completely.

“Ms. Davis is not the kind of person I would like to speak with normally,” said the Pope when asked about his meeting with the bigoted Kentucky clerk. “The only reason I am interested in speaking with her is to tell her that’s she’s being considered for excommunication, and that even God doesn’t love her.”

Pope Francis, although stoutly against gay marriage, says that all people on Earth are loved by God, with the exception of Kim Davis, and that bigotry and hatred and idiocy are no excuse for not doing your job.

TLC, MTV Partner On New Reality Show ‘I Didn’t Know I Was 16 And Pregnant’

Posted on September 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

With high ratings for both TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant and MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, the parent companies of the two networks, Discovery and Viacom, respectively, have announced a partnership to develop a new series, I Didn’t Know I Was 16 and Pregnant. The show will chronicle teens who don’t realize that they’re pregnant until they are being rushed to the emergency room.

“Much like I Didn’t Know…, this new show will focus on mothers -to-be who are, for some reason, unaware that they are pregnant,” said showrunner Kathleen Kennedy. “The difference is, instead of just being 40-year-old women who think they have a 9 month long case of gas, the show will focus on ignorant teens who are too stupid to use protection and too scared to talk to their parents.”

Both shows have garnered high ratings for their respective networks, and the joint partnership reveals a common goal amongst television networks – ratings and money.

“All we want is for people to be entertained,” said Kennedy. “If watching these poor sad sacks have their lives ruined unexpectedly will do that, then hell, we’re all about making sure that we get it all on film.”

In the first season, Kennedy says that viewers can expect to hear stories from 5 young women, all of whom are 15 or 16-years-old, and at least one story from a girl who denies ever having had sex, even screaming it while she’s pushing out a baby.

“That’s a hell of an episode!” said Kennedy. “Divinity is definitely not in that baby’s future, though. There’s a twist you won’t see coming at all, but I’ll hint that it sets up another new show we’re working on, 16 and Incestually Pregnant.

Former ‘Daily Show’ Host Jon Stewart Announces Presidential Run

Posted on September 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

With Jon Stewart completing his Daily Show hosting duties earlier this summer, many people were asking what the comedian, 52, would do next in his career. Although in recent interviews, Stewart said that he wasn’t sure what his next move would be, apparently he had a secret he was keeping all along.

“I’m officially tossing my hat into the ring for a seat in the Oval Office in 2016,” said Stewart during a recent press conference. “I’ve been mocking politicians for almost 2 decades on my show, and now it’s time to show them that I don’t just follow their mistakes, I’m ready to right them as well.”

Most political analysts say that Stewart doesn’t hold a chance of getting a party’s nomination, but many voters seem to disagree.

“There is no one on this planet I would rather vote for than Jon Stewart,” said Twitter user DailyShowLuvr.

“Stewart is a God. Not the God, because he’s a Jew and all, but a God, for sure, and I’d vote for him,” said Facebook user George Glass. “It’s about time we elected a non-Christian into the presidency, actually. Yeah, I’ll definitely vote for him.”

Stewart says that the has no idea what platform he’s going to campaign on, but that he’s well aware of where he stands on each and every issue.

“It’s the exact opposite of whatever Trump is about,” said Stewart.