Teen Arrested For Threatening To Kill Parents After They Confiscate His Marijuana

BRIDGETON, Delaware –

An 18 year old high school senior, Jack Cloutier, was arrested at his school, Madison Sr. High, after his parents filed criminal charges against him. He has been accused of telling his parents he would kill them, after they found and confiscated marijuana from his room and refused to return in.

“First he started dressing in all black. Then his grades started falling. His face began breaking out, and before we knew it he was lashing out at me and his father,” said Mary Cloutier, Jack’s mother. “Of course we knew he must be on drugs, because nothing else could turn out sweet baby boy into such a monster.”

Jack was being held on charges of attempted assault and criminal threatening. His parents say that they refused to return his marijuana because they had smoked it all themselves.

Organ-Stealing Group Of Thieves Moving Up and Down East Coast

MIAMI, Florida – 

A gang of blackmarket organs dealers have been roaming up and down the East coast, attacking and later killing people for their organs, which can be harvest in an illegal trade for thousands, and even hundreds of thousands, of dollars.

“They’re hard to track because they aren’t local and they aren’t predictable. They target teens and mature adults, but young organs fetch the highest price,” said police chief Oliver Nunez of Miami PD. “Thing is, we have no idea who they are, but we have taken in over 65 dead bodies so far, all of which have been completely drained of blood and had their organs removed.”

Miami police say that they are working with police departments as far north as Boston and even Portland, Maine. They say that the number of actual deaths so far could be as high as 300. They are advising people to not go outside wearing skimpy clothing that could make them an easier time for being cut open.

Sunscreen Is Causing People To Contract Cancer At Alarming Rates

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Lawyers are rushing to buy ad space to alert people of the opportunity to sue sunscreen manufacturers. According to recent research released by the FDA sunblock is causing cancer. Experts, like Dr. Oz say they warned consumers years ago. “You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t,” says Dr. Oz. “It’s either skin cancer or prostate and ovarian cancer. You can’t win.”

A legitimate doctor, Arthur Perry, M.D. explains how sunscreens cause cancer, “Chemical sunscreens don’t sit on the surface of the skin – they soak into it and quickly find their way into the bloodstream. That would be just fine if they were uniformly safe – but they’re not. There are 17 individual sunscreen ingredients that are FDA approved: 15 of these are clear chemicals that absorb UV light and two are made of minerals that reflect UV light. Of these 15, nine are known endocrine disruptors.

“The hormones most commonly disturbed are estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and thyroid. Endocrine disruptors, like some ingredients in chemical sunscreens, can cause abnormal development of fetuses and growing children. They cause early puberty and premature breast development in girls, and small and undescended testicles in boys. They cause low sperm counts and infertility. Endocrine disruptors that act like estrogen can contribute to the development of breast and ovarian cancers in women, and other endocrine disruptors may increase the chance of prostate cancer in men.”

Attorney, Dave Mallard does not think there is enough evidence to win against sunscreen manufacturers. “It all balances out. Yes, it may cause one kind of cancer, but it prevents another. Quid pro quo.”

Fake Maple Syrup Found To Cause Cancer

maple

BRIGHTON, Iowa – 

A new study performed on over 200 people found that fake maple syrup, the sugary-substance that can be purchased in grocery stores around the country, is causing cancer.

The study, which followed 100 people who ate real maple syrup every day on their pancakes, and another 100 who ate fake syrup such as Aunt Jemima. The 100 who ate the real syrup all contracted diabetes, but not a single one was found to have contracted cancer after 2 years of study. Of those who ate the fake syrup, 97 were found to have cancerous cells.

“It’s extremely amazing that this fake, sugary, blackened bottles of disgusting, fake syrup could be causing cancer, but based on our research, that’s exactly what is happening,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “Now, we’re not saying that fake, sugary syrup is the cause of all cancers, because that would be getting ahead of ourselves, but what we’re saying is that is not out of the realm of possibilities.”

 

George Clooney Comes Out; Wife Amal Clooney Visibly Upset At Premiere

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Amal Clooney looked upset when her husband, George Clooney, came out to the Money Monster premier.

“Georgie looked nice, but as usual he was out-shined by his wife. She was positively glowing. Of course the dress did not flatter her baby bump at all,” said an onlooker at the premiere. “And she looked like she wanted to puke. I can’t believe Georgie dragged her out.”

George Clooney is reportedly ready for a family, being so old that it’s officially become a “now or never” situation.

Julia Roberts disagrees, saying she would not let George babysit her kids for any length of time. “He’s just a big baby himself,” says Roberts. “Luckily the Clooney family has more than enough money to hire a full time nanny. It’s such a delight to raise children with all the reward and none of the work.”

Mom Says Her Baby Is Reincarnation Of Jesus After Seeing Image Of Savior In Dirty Diaper

SANTA VALARTE, Mexico – 

Mary Flores claims Christ is born again, and it is her baby. She claims she has seen the sign of the Lord in her son’s dirty diaper. She immediately Snapchatted the cross of poo she found in her son’s diaper, where all her contacts proclaimed it a miracle. She has preserved the diaper in a display case, welcoming those who want to see the miracle.

Flores says, “I expect many will make a pilgrimage. Bring me gifts – I mean for my son. They will bring gifts to the baby Jesus.”

According to Flores, her first name is no coincidence. “God whispered the name Mary in my mother’s ear for a reason. He had a plan for me.”

The diaper has not yet been evaluated by anyone from the Vatican, but Flores hopes to have the Pope bless the poop.

A Pair Of Marilyn Monroe’s Panties Set To Be Auctioned

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Jack Schlossberg, John F Kennedy’s grandson, is auctioning off a family heirloom: Marilyn Monroe’s Panties.

Monroe’s unmentionables are rumored to have been used to wipe up JFK’s semen. They were kept in a drawer until his death, when they were transferred to his brother, Ted Kennedy. After his timely death in 2009 the panties were bequeathed to Schlossberg.

“I honestly don’t have a use for them,” says Schlossberg. “Plus, every girl I sleep with begs me to try them on. ‘If you really liked me, you’d let me try on her panties!’ Hun, if I let every girl I liked try those on, they’d be tattered by now,” says the “heartthrob” of the Kennedy family. “Best thing to do is to just get rid of them. To be honest, they’re filthy anyway.”

The panties are expected to earn over $1 million at auction.

Kim Jong-Un Says Most Important Thing To Discuss With Trump Is ‘Mean Internet Memes’

PYONGANG, North Korea –

Leader of North Korea says he accepts Trump’s request to talk to him, and would like to discuss suing the internet over offensive memes. Trump’s reputation of suing when his feelings are hurt proceeds him. Trump has sued the artist who depicted him with a micropenis, satire website The Onion for liable, and the New York Times for twisting his words.

Kim Jong-Un says he is disgusted by the amount of unflattering memes and artwork he sees on a Google image search. “Supreme leader should not be portrayed in undignified way. I understand Trump has same problem and would like to discuss suing the internet.”

Trump sympathizes with Jong-Un. Trump says, “I’m a little jealous of the guy. No one’s making an offensive meme in his country. He’s got respect. But the little gooks got to understand here in the United States of America, land of the free, once the internet’s got an image of you, it’s gone.”

Oil Spill Tax Imposed By Government To Increase Gas Prices By Over 1000%

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Congress will be voting on new oil tax to help fund clean up costs, after the recent spill into the Gulf of Mexico.

Almost 90,000 gallons of crude oil gushed from a Shell oil facility into the Gulf of Mexico off the Louisiana coast on Thursday, leaving a 13- by 2-mile sheen of oil on the waves. Countless oil-choked fish and Cuban refugees are washing up on the shore.

Louisiana Senator Bill Cassidy is sponsoring the bill, saying oil spills are bound to happen and everyone must chip in.

“It’s just the nature of doing business. The Gulf will be ruined within the next few years unless the clean-ups are subsidized. We can not expect pipelines and drilling equipment to be failproof. Leaks are bound to happen.”

‘Suppernanny’ Slips Up, Allegedly Hits Child

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Nanny Jill Pryeo allegedly lost her temper and spanked “a particularly vile” 8-year-old, Janna Cornell, and refuses to apologize.

In the episode, which originally aired April 2011, Janna swears, hits or spits snot at anyone who tries to tell her what to do. She is so aggressive she was kicked out of her elementary school, and now has to be home schooled by her mother. The Cornell family has not come forward in the five years since the incident, but former executive producer, Nick Powell, has said the could not live with this secret any longer.

Nick says Supernanny told the child to go to the naughty mat, she refused and spit in the nanny’s face. Pryeo smacked Janna in the face, and told her not to do this sort of thing, an incident that allegedly happened off camera.

“Lot’s of work goes on behind the scenes. Pryeo makes it look easy, but it’s really not. Some of these kids with oppositional defiant disorder require some special treatment in the production of the show. We couldn’t make miracles happen. No one woman can clean up years of poor parenting choices over the course of a few days. Sometimes we might turn the cameras off and give the kids incentives to go along with the program. Gift cards. Name brand clothes. Twizzlers. This little brat wanted none of it.”

Another nanny from the show, Nanny Jo Frost, has said Nick Powell is just telling another one of his lies to get attention. “I, too, would refuse to apologize. I never spanked a single child in all 14 seasons of my show in the UK or the US. I highly doubt any other nanny did either.”

ABC representatives are refusing to comment on the alleged incident. Janna Cornell could not be reached for comment, but according to court dockets, is still a problem child. She is now serving a sentence in juvenile hall after kicking a neighbor’s cat when her cell phone broke.

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