Facebook Announces Purchase of Trader Joe’s

Posted on June 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COSTA MESA, California –

Not to be outdone by Amazon, who recently purchase Whole Foods, Facebook announced today their purchase of Trader Joe’s, the “hippie lite” version of Whole Foods.

“Amazon may have Whole Foods, but we’ll see you at Joe’s,” said Facebook founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg. “Facebook has officially announced their purchase of the entire chain of Trader Joe’s Food Stores.”

Zuckerberg said he has been a “huge fan” of the store for years, and was happy when the company agreed to sell, reportedly for $800 million.

“I have been shopping there for years, any time I need groceries, it’s my go-to location,” said Zuckerberg. “I want everyone to know that we will not change a thing about the stores, with the exception of the color scheme. The awful greens they use on everything will, naturally, be replaced with Facebook blue. We will also be phasing out the delis, we will no longer be carrying wine or any other alcohol, and we will switch to using a single supplier nationwide, as opposed to using local foods. This will save us tons, and we will pass that on to you!”

The changeover of the stores will begin to take place in October.

Snapchat Is Secretly Storing Every Picture That’s Taken – And Then Selling Them On The Black Market!

Posted on June 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VENICE, California –

A hacker who goes by the name of Mr. Kitty has reportedly stumbled across code in the Snapchat app that proves that the company is storing every single picture that is taken on the app, but what he says they are doing with it is BEYOND terrifying.

“Snapchat is secretly storing every single picture taken. Whether it is a funny picture of your dog, a picture of your dinner, a comedic video, or nude pictures you’re sending to your boyfriend, Snapchat is saving them all,” said Mr. Kitty. “After I discovered this, I accessed their servers, which are some of the largest I have ever seen. It was there I discovered that they take the pictures, and send them to individuals and companies all over the world, for a profit.”

Mr. Kitty believes that the images are worth millions of dollars, because they can lead directly to marketing opportunities to help companies sell to individuals. The other side, of course, is black market pornography.

“There is an entire world of underground porn that is made up of pictures and videos from Snapchat,” said Mr. Kitty. “If you have ever taken a picture of yourself naked with the app, chances are good that you’re being sold in the underground.”

Snapchat said that they had “no idea” what Mr. Kitty was talking about, and that the app clearly does not store any pictures.

“We have been asked this billions of times and no, we keep nothing,” said a Snapchat spokesman. “It would defeat the purpose if we did. Obviously the app was created, originally, with the intent to send nudes, but now we’re a publicly traded company. We can’t afford to screw that up just by selling pictures of your chicken dinner to the black market.”

Philip Morris Introduces New ‘Healthy Cigarettes’ That Will DESTROY Cancer Cells

Posted on June 26, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Great news for longterm smokers who are suffering from black lung, emphysima, cancer, and a host of other diseases contracted from years of inhaling cigarette smoke and toxins – Philip Morris International, one of the largest manufacturers of cigarettes in the world, has announced that they have created a new, healthy cigarette – one that can actually fight disease.

“This new cigarette is a combined effort of over 30 years worth of research,” said Mario Philips, President of Philip Morris. “We know that people who smoke, absolutely love it, despite the hazards like cancer and death. So we have spent decades researching new options that can keep them enjoying something they love, and also keep them alive to do it even longer.”

Philips says that the company’s new cigarette contains a “host of ingredients” that are all “top secret,” and can not divulge what might be in them, but says that most are known cancer-fighting agents, as well as other natural ingredients, and a new high-dose of what they’re calling a Cancer-Killer.

“We developed this new drug, this new cancer killer, over the last handful of years, and it works. We’ve tested it on thousands of people, and they were all cured of their cancer,” said Philips. “It’s really revolutionary. The important thing, though, as that these smokes taste just as good, just as rich, as our regular cigarettes.

The new cigarettes will be hitting store shelves in October.

Maine Launches Heroin Vending Machines To Make Sure Addicts Have Clean Needles, Good Drugs

Posted on April 30, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

Maine, one of the states with the highest amount of overdoses on heroin and other opioid drugs, has recently launched a new program to help addicts make sure that they’re getting clean, sterile equipment before shooting up.

“We want to make sure that these druggies are OD’ing clean, without also increasing the risk of AIDS or other diseases common among IV drug users,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “Originally, the vending machines were designed to offer only the needles, but in further discussion, we decided the best bet was to offer the entire package – a needle, heroin, a giant rubber tube – everything a good little addict will need.”

The purpose of these vending machines, LePage says, is to make sure that people who need their fix can get it safely and securely, and that the state can better regulate the drug trade.

“We already legalized marijuana, and by next year it will go live in retail stores, and we’ll make fortune,” said LePage. “I am against marijuana, but I’m definitely not against money. This heroin trade is a booming business in our state, so it’s time we got involved.”

The machines will be placed in “high-ghetto” areas around Maine, including the state capitol, Augusta, as well as bigger cities like Bangor and Portland. They also plan to expand to smaller cities and towns over the next two years, as LePage commented that the heroin trade is big there, too.”

“There’s not a hell of a lot to do in a town like Waterville, for example, except to shoot up, so we’ll eventually focus on making sure those towns are also taken care of.”

LePage estimates that the machines will bring in hundreds of thousands of dollars in revenue in the 2018 fiscal year.

Twitter To Raise Character Limit To 150 So President Trump Has More Words Available To Complain

Posted on April 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Twitter announced today that they would be upping their character limit to 150 from 140, with specific regard to President Trump’s Twitter account, saying that he deserves “a few more words” to be able to bitch properly.

“Trump’s spelling is bad enough, so we don’t want to hinder his abilities any further by making him type in short-hand or in some sort of ‘code,'” said Twitter CEO Mark Brewer. “So we have decided to extend our character limit to 150, which will hopefully give Trump all the room he needs to praise FOX News, complain about CNN, or sexually harass a woman or make a pass at his daughter…really, the field is wide open now.”

Many are calling for a total shutdown of Trump’s account by Twitter, but the company says that his feed is one of the most followed on the site, and “always good for a laugh.”

Flint, Michigan Begins Having Tap Water Imported From Mexico

Posted on April 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FLINT, Michigan –

Residents of Flint, Michigan have begun having been having their water imported from other states for quite some time, as the situation of their own water has been disasterous. But now, some residents have begun looking even further away, and are having their water imported from across the border in Tijuana.

“Our water is so bad, that Mexican tap water looks like crystal-clear spring water in comparison,” said Flint resident Mario Jones. “I can get about 50 gallons of Mexican tap water for about $5, which is a lot cheaper than here. Sure, it still gives me the shits, but that’s par for the course now. At least it doesn’t look like sewage.”

Mexico has been grateful for the business, with several companies across the border saying that they thought they would NEVER have use for tap water.

“Our water, it was muy disgustingo,” said Pedro Martinez. “But when I heard about the hydro crisis in Flint, I thought it was a good idea to start up a new company, and get them the water that they need. So I fill up about 200 gallon bottles a week, and I drive them into Arizona, where it can be shipped much cheaper. It’s a great deal for me. My family has lots of extra pesos now.”

United’s Settlement With Dr. David Dao Was Reportedly Only $800 And Free Flight

Posted on April 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHICAGO, Illinois –

United Airlines, who stupidly took responsibility for the treatment of unruly jerk passenger Dr. David Dao, has reportedly reached a settlement with Dao, but the outcome is not what most people expected.

According to an anonymous source close to the negotiations, Dr. Dao received only the originally offered $800, and a free flight to anywhere in the continental United States.

“David knew that he was at fault here,” said the source. “Yes, the airline has a stupid policy, but he knew he still mouthed off to cops, and didn’t simply leave the plane like the other passengers that were asked to do so. He caused a scene, and was a total prick in the situation. He knew all that, so when United offered the $800 they had originally promised when bumping him, he jumped at the opportunity before they took it away completely.”

The full details of the settlement are under wraps, but the source says that he is “100% positive” of the details, but Dr. Dao was forced to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement.

Cadbury Accused of ‘Crapping All Over’ Easter

Posted on April 16, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONDON, England –

Easter marks the beginning of spring where chickens lay eggs and millions consume Cadbury eggs. The company-sponsored eater egg hunt is one of the biggest int he world, and many religious groups gathered to protest the celebration they claim has “gone all to Hell.”

Over 300,000 children attended this year’s hunt, held in over 250 locations across the UK. Instead of calling it the “Easter Egg Trail” like in years past, the event was called “Great British Egg Hunt.”

The Church of England released a statement saying the Cadbury is “Taking a flaming steamer on Easter, on Jesus, and British decency.” Many plan to “defend God and Easter” by complaining to anyone who will listen, but still allowing their children to take part in the festivities.

Some claim homosexual leadership at Cadbury is to blame. “All those flamers in charge of the celebration want to take out all the Lord and leave all the flamboyancy. It is a disgrace. The next generations going to be a bunch of Elton Johns, you mark my words,” said Parker Wood, a chimneysweep and concerned citizen on the street.

Cadbury spokesperson Maxwell Wancheur says they never meant to offend anyone. “The Cadbury Bunny only cares about chocolate the innocence of childhood, and well…cash.” Many feel that those who are offended by the name change are over-reacting, as bunnies and eggs are remnants of pagan traditions, and have nothing to do with Jesus anyway.

Wiccan mother of three, Clara Potter, says she will bring her kids to the festival every year no matter what they call it. “It comes down to one thing: free candy.”

CNN Loses FCC License After Trump Declares Them ‘Fake News’

Posted on March 6, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Donald Trump has rung the death toll for the Cable News Network. According to recently filed documents, the once mega-giant news channel will be losing their FCC licenses, forcing them to stop broadcast on April 1. The blow comes after Trump declared the company ‘fake news,’ and blacklisted them from attending White House press conferences.

“CNN is the worst network on television today, and nothing they say about me is true,” said President Trump. “The only network worth watching is Fox News. They are true. They say true things, and they say the best things. CNN is the worst, and everything they say is fake news.”

After Trump declared the channel to be fake news, their ratings plummeted to the lowest in cable television history, with only around 100 to 150 people even tuning into the channel on a daily basis.

“We are saddened that Trump has chosen our network to the be the scapegoat for his War on Truth,” said CNN head Carl Nelson. “Because of his lies about our network, we have lost our licenses, and lost our ability to broadcast. Effective April 1st, we will no longer be on the air.”

Nelson says they are trying to convince the FCC that they should be allowed to continue broadcasting, but the FCC says that they are “not interested” in listening to any fake news, either.

“President Trump has informed us that CNN should not be listened to, so we’re not going to,” said FCC chairman Joel Winters. “We’re a government agency. We do what we’re told. I’m not losing my job over this shit.”

Girls Scouts Approved To Begin Selling Marijuana Cookies In Multiple States

Posted on February 27, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

The Girls Scouts of America have officially been given the ‘green light’ to begin selling marijuana edible cookies in states where the drug has been legalized. Starting in April of 2017, Girl Scout troupes in Maine, Colorado, Massachusetts, and Washington D.C., among others, will be able to sell edibles.

“Our cookies have long been a favorite of stoners nationwide,” said Girl Scouts of America president Jane Marshall. “With the legalization of recreational marijuana in several states, we decided it was time to really open ourselves up to the marijuana community. That is why we created two new products to be sold in legalized states.”

Marshall says that they will be creating Samosas and Thin Mints, their top-selling cookies, that are infused with the marijuana plant.

“These cookies will be made available only to adults, aged 21 or older, and they will only be available for purchase through the parents of a Girl Scout troupe. The children themselves will not be able to sell or consume these cookies,” said Marshall. “We are very happy with how these cookies have come out, and we think they will be a huge boost to the fundraising these girls do every year.”

Yearly sales of Girl Scout Cookies total approximately $700 million. This year, the plan is to surpass the $1 billion mark.