Hasbro To Produce Jesus, Muhammad Action Figure Line

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

Let the battle for the heavenly kingdom begin! In a surprisingly anti-politically correct move, Hasbro has announced that they are going to begin selling Jesus and Muhammad action figures. The company says Jesus will have come in a play-set with 12 disciples, while Muhammad will come with his 9 wives.

“We’re pretty excited and nervous at the same time,” said Hasbro CEO Charles Cummings. “We’re excited for the new product line, and because kids all over the world will be battling for heavenly victory. Jesus and Muhammad will both come with Kung-Fu grip, and there will also be plenty of accessories including, tanks, fighter planes…plus AR15’s for the disciples and AK47’s for Muhammad’s wives.”

“We’re a bit nervous about the product line, because we know it’s going offend people. We have really beefed up security at our Pawtucket headquarters. We know that having only Jesus and Muhammad represented is discriminatory. If the product line does well, we do plan on expanding the line to include Buddha and whatever the hell it is that atheists worship.”

“It’s a rip off. Total junk – they’re just revamping GI Joe and Cobra Commander dolls,” said Carmine Classi, vintage toy collector. “I will get them, of course, when they go on sale. I’ll buy online, though, for sure. I wouldn’t feel safe going into a store that has the balls to put them on the shelves. No one is selling them yet, and that just makes me want them more.”

“So far, we can’t find anyone to sell them,” said Hasbro Marketing Executive Phil Phillips. “We really didn’t foresee this problem. Funny thing though – as it turns out, the Muslims are cool about it. Pictures of Muhammad are not cool, but action figures, I guess that’s alright. This time, it’s the religious right making all the noise to have the toys pulled. It must be the Jesus doll’s superpower of being able to turn water into grenades that’s getting them mad.”

Make-A-Wish Foundation Grants 9-Year-Old’s Wish To Direct Porno Film

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

AKRON, Ohio –

The parents of a 9-year-old boy have filed a lawsuit against the ‘Make A Wish’ Foundation, claiming that the charity let their son direct a pornographic film.

“My son Joey’s wish was not to direct a porno film,” said Lisa Stevens. ”He’s only 9, for God’s sake. He doesn’t even know what a porno is. Michael Bay is his idol, and he wanted to help direct a Michael Bay film. He wanted to direct Transformers 5, not Transgenders 5. They’re telling me it was a mix up, but there’s no way they’re that stupid. This is an outrage!”

“The Make-A-Wish Foundation grants wishes, it’s what we do. We do our best to get the wish as close as possible, but some are harder than others. The truth is, Michael Bay is a busy man, and Transformers 5 isn’t even being made yet. The kid wanted to be a director, so we got him on a set to direct for a day,” says Make-A-Wish spokesperson Will Watson. “I want to make it clear that Joey did not see anything inappropriate. We had him direct the pizza delivery scene. You know, the one where the customer ‘didn’t have enough money to pay?’ It’s in every adult movie. Joey didn’t see anything bad, and he seemed happy to be directing. We really don’t know what the big deal is.”

“I wish my Mom wasn’t so mad,” said Joey. ”I had so much fun directing! I mean, it kinda stunk there were no robots, but everyone was really nice on the set. I learned a lot about directing, plus I learned how to get a pizza for free! The best part is, they said the one scene I filmed will be in thousands of movies. Forget Michael Bay, I want to be the next Max Hardcore!”

Former Vice President Al Gore Arrested For Indecent Exposure

Posted on January 17, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

MIAMI, Florida –

Al Gore, the 66-year-old former Vice President of the United States, who served during the Clinton administration from 1993-2001, was arrested last night outside an upscale Miami, Florida nightclub for indecent exposure according to Miami-Dade Police Department spokesperson Eduardo Cruz.

In the statement released this morning by Cruz, he stated that Gore had been dancing inside the nightclub, and reportedly began taking off all of his clothes when the Will Smith song ‘Gettin Jiggy With It’ came on.

“Witnesses said that when the song came on, Mr. Gore just went wild and kept yelling, ‘I’m so hot! I’m on fire!’, at which point security guards at the popular downtown nightclub, called Heat Wave, escorted Mr. Gore to the parking lot, and made him put his pants back on.” Cruz said.

According to Rico Valazquez, a cab driver who was parked outside the club, Mr. Gore was apparently not ready to go home. “He took his pants back off, and threw them at my windshield. He was saying crazy stuff like ‘I told ya’ll, I told ya it was gonna get hot! hot! hot! up in here! AG is in the house, bringin’ the heat wave, ya heard me?’ Next thing I knew, he was completely naked. It was just crazy,” Valazquez said. “Needless to say, I was laughing my ass off.”

Miami-Dade police showed up on the scene and arrested Gore within minutes. “While they were putting him in the back of the police car, he kept yelling, ‘I’m so hot, the heat is killin me! I’m, so hot, I’m on fiya’ just like that!’ I thought it was pretty hilarious to see somebody like that having such a good time,” Valazquez said with a chuckle. “Guess he was right about the global warming after all. It was certainly keeping him heated up.”

Scientist Says Hawaii Has Moved Closer To Continental US; Expects State To Hit Within 30 Years

Posted on January 17, 2015 by JP

HONOLULU, Hawaii –

Have you ever wanted to take a trip to Hawaii but hate flying? Well, in about 30 years, you’ll be able to easily drive there, according to geographical research scientist Matt Gantt. In a study that Gantt has been leading for the last 10 years, the geological scientist says that they have found that the entire main island of Hawaii has slowly, but surely, moved closer to the coast of California.

The study began after geologists set to work mapping out the islands, and while doing so, noticed that the numbers didn’t add up to an older map, and that the main section of Hawaii had seemingly moved closer to the mainland continental United States. 5 years later, they checked again, and again the found the islands to have drifted closer. In 2015, the study indicated a total movement of nearly 100 miles.

“At the rate it is going, it looks as though Hawaii will become part of the continental states within the next 30 years,” said Gantt. “We are currently researching ways to stop this, but so far my team and I coming up empty. Our main hope is to find a way to do so before it hits the coast, which could potentially cause major disasters and coastal flooding.”

Gantt says that if they are unable to stop Hawaii from drifting, it could also cause a huge climate change for not only the islands, but also for anyone on the west coast. Fear of wild life extinction and severe weather, among other things, is a top priority for Gantt and his team as they work to change what they say is, at this point, an inevitability.

“We have considered many options, but so far nothing has worked on paper, and with movement on such a massive scale, we need to plan thoroughly before acting. At this point, it would seem our best option may be to just get giant anchors and hang them off the edges of the islands. It might be our only way to stop, or slow, the movement.”

Former ‘Legends Of The Hidden Temple’ Contestants Come Forward, Allege They Were Molested By Host

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ORLANDO, Florida –

Several former participants on the 90s Nickelodeon TV show Legends of the Hidden Temple have come forward this week, alleging that while they were contestants, they were molested by the show’s host.

The former contestants, who are being identified by only by their first names, John, Marc, and Ray, were all 11 and 12 years old when they competed on the show in the early 90s. The series, which ran from 1993 to 1995, was a staple for kids from that era, pitting teams such as the Silver Snakes against the Purple Parrots in history and mythology-related quizzes and activities.

All three of the victims, now in their early 30s, say they were molested while they were contestants on the show’s second season.

“Nickelodeon knew it was going on, but they did nothing,” said John. “I’m sure there were others. We all were on different episodes, and none of us believe it was limited to just our experiences.”

“We tried reaching out to executives at Viacom, the parent company of Nickelodeon, but they shrugged us off,” said Marc. “They definitely don’t want the controversy. Well to hell with that. I’ve stayed quiet long enough. We all have, and we’re hoping that coming forward now, we can get the real truth out.”

“It’s all true,” said Ray. “I was on the Silver Monkeys, and we won the game, but I lost when I was running through the temple. After the show, when everyone had cleared out, Olmec called me over to him. He’s a giant talking stone head, you know? He had this massive mouth, and he was telling me ‘It’s okay, it’s okay. Not everyone wins.’ Then he told me to take off my shirt so he could ‘look at me.’ I didn’t know what else to do.”

“A similar thing happened to me,” said Marc. “Olmec…he was really persuasive. He told me to just take my penis out, and rest it on his big stone lips. There was no one around, and he frightened me. I did it, but I didn’t like it.”

The three men say they are filing suit against Nickelodeon for allowing them to be abused while ‘under the care’ of the program. Representatives for Nickelodeon say that Olmec was ‘long ago destroyed’ when Nickelodeon Studios was torn down, and the company should ‘no longer be held responsible’ for the sexual perversions of their show’s prop.

Insane Clown Posse Member ‘Violent J’ Hospitalized, Reportedly In Coma

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

According to reports, rapper and actor Joseph Bruce, better known by his stage name Violent J, 42, was rushed to a Detroit-area hospital Friday morning after falling into a coma.

The musician, who is one half of the Juggalo-duo Insane Clown Posse, was apparently enjoying a quiet breakfast at home with his wife, when he fell from his chair and collapsed to the floor.

“It was horrible, I screamed and practically knocked the table over trying to get to him,” said J’s wife, Michelle “Sugar Slam” Rapp. “He went down like 34 or 35 tons of bricks. He smeared grease paint all over the floor when he went down, and spilled his Faygo all over the place. Thank God the kids weren’t around to see it. What a mess.”

Doctors say the rapper, who is morbidly obese, is in a diabetic coma, and they are monitoring him after injecting the rapper with several doses of insulin.

“Mr. Violent J is a hefty fellow, for sure,” said Dr. George Hatchetman. “His diet, which his wife says mostly consists of donuts, bagels, and Faygo Root Beer floats, is not in any way healthy for a man of his size, with his health problems. It’s a wonder that Mr. J hasn’t had issues before, especially during his wrestling career. It’s amazing he hadn’t suffered a heart attack.”

“Man, that motherfucker could get stabbed in the balls, ass, and face, and still come out on top,” said co-founder and other half of the Insane Clown Posse, Shaggy 2 Dope. “That dude, he’s my Big Baby Sweets. He’s my Goddamn homie, and I know God’s looking out for us from that big motherfucking penthouse in the sky. J is gonna be okay. I’d bet my best neden on that shit.”

Detroit Hospital doctors say that they are currently listing J’s condition as critical, but do not believe that his condition is life threatening. Juggalos from across the country have been gathering outside of the hospital, singing ICP songs, drinking Faygo RedPop, and smoking copious amounts of weed. The police, as well as local FBI agents, say they are keeping a close watch on the growing group, in preparation of any gang-like activities.

Conan O’Brien Fired By TBS After Reportedly Tweeting Joke About Muhammad

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Late night talk show host Conan O’Brien has reportedly been released from his show, Conan, by TBS executives for tweeting a joke about the prophet Muhammad. The tweet was only posted for a matter of minutes, before a slew of complaints forced Twitter to remove the offending joke.

”I would like to personally apologize to the Muslim people for whatever Conan has said,” said TBS executive Bart Brennan. “I did not personally see the joke, but I want to make it clear TBS had nothing to do with it. I hope our swift firing of Conan, even before knowing any facts, proves that TBS cares about minorities and religious dogma. In closing, we at TBS are really, really sorry. As I said, we never even saw the joke, but I want to make it clear that we never really liked him anyway.”

Several famous friends of Conan’s were reached out to for their thoughts on his firing, but most celebrities reached by Empire News said that they were either ‘too busy’ to comment, or that they ‘didn’t care enough to have an opinion.’

“I want to let the Muslim people know that Conan O’Brien is no longer my client, and that we parted ways the minute I heard about the tweet,” said Sol Simmons, Conan’s former agent. “I want to apologize to the Muslim people, and I want to stress, I never saw the joke. The truth is, my partners and I never liked him anyway.”

Most late night television viewers say that won’t miss Conan’s show, as there were too many others to choose from as it was, with most people preferring Fallon, anyway.

“He has always been a disappointment,” said Conan’s mother Mary. “He was always a little pain, and I told him, ‘Conan, comedy is definitely not for you.’ I just want to apologize to the Muslim people and I want to make it clear that I have severed all ties with my son. I never saw the joke myself; I don’t even know what Tweeter is. Truth is, though, we never liked him anyway.”

O’Brien says that he’s not really too worried about finding more work.

“Someone out there probably likes me,” said the comedian. “As it is, I really don’t see the big deal. I wrote the joke myself, so it obviously wasn’t even funny.”

TBS has stated that they are considering replacing O’Brien with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and re-working the name to Late Night With Conan The Barbarian.

Doctors Say Michael Jackson’s Amazing Singing Voice Was Result Of Years of Steroid Injections

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Bonnie Anderson

GARY, Indiana –

For music critics, Michael Jackson’s impressive vocal range during his adult career has long been a point of contention – specifically how little it had changed since he left The Jackson 5 at the age of eleven. But the mystery may now be solved.

This morning, the King of Pop’s autopsy results quickly went viral after hackers accessed the UCLA Medical Center database, revealing that as a child, Jackson was regularly injected with glucocorticoids for minor asthma. According to a close friend of the Jackson family, his father Joe administered the drug himself, in excessive doses to preserve his son’s singing ability, with an unfortunate side effect – chemical castration.

After turning 18, Jackson halted treatments. But the damage was done. The drug apparently caused a failure to go through puberty and a lack of testosterone production.

“These findings do explain how Jackson’s voice failed to develop, as well as the absence of body hair,” said Jackson’s former physician and cardiologist Conrad Murray. “That man was devoid of hair from head to toe. It was actually really creepy.”

According to self-proclaimed Psychology expert, Anne Landers, “Paired with his Vitiligo, one can see how the pain of what was done to him led to severe body dysmorphic disorder. Just look at the obvious addiction to plastic surgery.” Jackson is known to have had at least 30 cosmetic surgeries, starting at the age of 13. “The hormonal changes are also known to cause gender identity problems, which explains his efforts to surgically feminize his face, as well as his androgynous appearance, effeminate disposition, and nurturing feelings toward children.”

Long-time friend Reverend Jessie Jackson responded to Landers’ assessment, saying that he completely agreed. “I knew he didn’t hurt those children! Maternal instinct is what it was. That beautiful man wanted to be their mama! People are disgusting to make up those lies about him hurting kids. I would have let him by my mama if I had only know how much pain he was in.”

Seeming to imply that Jackson was indeed chemically castrated, former nurse and ex-wife Debbie Rowe commented, saying “How stupid are people? Why do you think we always covered the kids’ faces? Those brats are whiter than a Klu Klux Klan convention. We even had to dye their hair brown.”

The Jackson family declined to comment.

Disney’s ‘Cars 3‘ To Feature Company’s First Gender Confused Character; Mini-Cooper To Be Voiced By Justin Bieber

Posted on January 14, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Religious groups and parents are planning a worldwide protest after word came out about Disney’s Cars 3. The movie, which is slated to come out at the end of the year, will feature Disney’s first gender confused character. The car, named Chrys, will be voiced by Justin Bieber.

“We’re very excited to be moving forward like this. Disney is changing with the times, and we want to make movies that everyone can relate to,” said Disney executive Will Ryan. “It’s not all about prince and princesses anymore, and it hasn’t been for a while. A gender confused character is something we know that a lot of kids can relate to. We feel that getting Justin to voice the Mini-Cooper is just perfect. What two things better represent gender confusion than the Biebs and a Mini-Cooper?!”

“We’ve still got Larry The Cable Guy in this film voicing his character, Mater, and he becomes a sort of mentor to Chrys, who is a boy car, but with a very strong feminine side,” said lead animator Joey Goldsmith. “Chrys is a car that would rather sing and dance than race. With the help of his friends, like Mater and Lightning McQueen, Chrys learns it’s more important to be true to yourself then please your parents and other cars.”

“I had no idea my character was supposed to be gender confused, they just told me to be myself,” said Bieber. “I mean, all the lines felt perfectly natural, maybe even a little liberating. I mean, I’m a man, just ask anyone. I work really hard getting that image across. Sometimes though, I wish I could be more like Chrys the Mini-Cooper and just be myself.”

“Well I’m certainly not letting my kids see it.” said Janice Gold, a mother of 5 small children in rural Kentucky. ”Kids need to learn to be what God made them. There’s no picking and choosing your sex, and the whole idea makes me sick. Our family, and all the families in our church, are certainly going to be protesting this film, and every other Disney movie, too.”

This Mini, created by YassidDesigns, shows what Biebers character could look like in the new film.

Convicted Pedophile Wins Millions In State Lottery

Posted on January 14, 2015 by DvanL

BATAVIA, Illinois –

Department store employee Edgar Phipps led a quiet life and followed the same routine for years. All that changed last week, though, when he won a state lottery drawing that netted him almost $5 million.

When lottery officials verified Phipps’ identity, though, they say that a disturbing fact came up on his record. According to the Illinois State Lottery Commission, Phipps was a listed on the Illinois state sex offender registry.

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that,” said Phipps. “Whoops.”

Phipps says he forgot about the multiple incidents of aggravated sexual contact with minors, technically classifying him as a pedophile. “Oh, yeah those,” said Phipps. “Well, that was me getting screwed by the system. They all said they were legal age, but they lied, so the state blamed me and then I had to go to jail for a few years or whatever, then they made me register when I got out. Thank God I don’t have any neighbors nearby or any schools around. I didn’t have to go door-to-door like those freaks do, introducing themselves to neighbors saying ‘Hi, I’m Ed and I’m on a sex pervert list,’ or anything embarrassing like that.”

Phipps claims he received treatment and counseling for a number of years after “the sex things,” and is fully cured. He received the check from the state lottery commission after it was learned that he had received counseling and did not re-offend.

“So anyway,” recalled Phipps, “I get home with the giant check and that’s when the trouble started. I had tons of emails and phone calls from people I didn’t know who must have Googled my name and found out about the sex things. Talk about invasion of privacy!”

According to Phipps, the emails were just the beginning. Phipps claims several of his windows were shattered, and his roof was damaged. “I guess the branch coming down on the roof wasn’t related to the sex thing, but the rocks through the window were a different story. But then again, we did have a really bad hail storm that day, and there was that F4 tornado…now that I think back on it.”

Empire News asked Phipps the number one question asked of every lottery winner: What do you plan on doing with the money?

“Well,” he answered, “last Christmas I had to cut some friends off my gift list, so I’m going to do a belated Christmas for everyone I missed, dressed up as Santa, of course!” On his list: a tricycle, a Little Suzy Easy Cookie Cake Oven, some stuffed animals, and several popular action figures which he plans on giving his friends.

“I’m the luckiest guy alive,” said Phipps. “I feel like I’m on top of the world!”

Phipps says he plans on quitting his department store job and will devote more time to his favorite hobby, taxidermy.