Say Goodbye To Privacy: NSA To Share Personal Data With Employers Upon Request

Posted on August 18, 2014 by mike the inkman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The National Security Agency, which has been under intense scrutiny since Edward Snowden spilled the beans about the level of personal information they collect, has announced a new information sharing program they hope will ingratiate them with businesses across America. NSA public relations liaison Michael Phillips explained the program in a press release.

“The focus of this program is for the NSA to express our gratitude to the businesses whose tax dollars support our operation. While our primary focus remains the gathering of intelligence for national security purposes, we collect a lot of information that is of no use to us, but would be of great use to employers. For instance, we can provide detailed records of your employees’ or prospective employees’ internet browsing habits, phone records, and in some cases, much more. Background checks and references only go so far. If you really need to know who you’re hiring, you can find out, and the NSA can help. All you need to take advantage of the program is a government-issued business tax ID number.”

While some companies are more than happy to take advantage of the program, others are afraid of the message it will send to their employees. Frank Vargas, owner of a large automotive paint distributor in Austin, Texas, expressed some of his concerns.

“Everybody wants to know about the people they associate with on a daily basis, but this seems a little extreme. Do we really want people to have that kind of access to our personal lives? Our thoughts? What scares me is, some people are going to love this, take full advantage of it. Is it really fair to deny people employment based on an off-color joke sent in a text? There are things people do and say in their private lives that have no bearing on on their job performance. Hell, I’m sure I’ve said something that might bar me from employment, but that’s my business. Maybe it’s time for us to re-evaluate who we have running our country.”

Other business owners are jumping on the surveillance bandwagon and not looking back. Steve Clemons, of Clemons and Son machining, thinks the program is great.

“I’m a Christian, and I run my business based on Christian values. I expect my employees to operate on the same moral level as I do. Since I joined the program, I have replaced seven employees. There was adultery, racism, and all manner of of immorality eating at the moral fabric of my company like a cancer. Thanks to the NSA, I was able to nip it in the bud, and hire some wholesome family men to replace the jerks I let go.”

“The whole process was really easy, too,” said Christopher Lewis, a restaurant owner from Chicago. “I filled out a couple forms with the information I already had on the employees I wanted to check up on, sent it in along with a check, and they sent me packets of information. The whole thing took about 2 weeks. They sent me emails, Facebook private messages, even text messages. They had it all. It really helped in deciding who to keep, and who to replace. It also helps when looking to hire someone new.”

Regardless of individual public position on surveillance, the era of privacy seems to be in its twilight years, and the NSA is helping to usher in a new age – at least for those who can afford to pay for secrecy.

Netflix Files For Bankruptcy, Claims They Can’t Compete With Piracy ‘Industry’

Posted on August 18, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS GATOS, California –

The company that almost single-handily took down Blockbuster and every Mom & Pop video store in the country is now on its way out the door as well. Netflix has announced that they have filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy, and will be shutting down most of their services by the end of the year. Having already mostly abandoned their original model of DVDs-By-Mail, the company says the amount of illegal downloads from peer-to-peer file sharing sites has put the final nail in the coffin for the once-powerhouse movie provider.

“When we started, this system was gold, but now people can get their content anywhere,” said Carl Kazaa, CEO of Netflix. “With the leak of The Expendables 3 a few weeks ago cutting massively into the profits of the film’s box office take, we realized that customers don’t care about 99% of the films we have streaming at all. They want new films, movies that aren’t even released to theatres yet. They can’t wait anymore. They just can’t wait. A subscriber will drop us the second they discover they can get a movie free from the bowels of the internet. Especially if it’s a film we don’t have available.”

The Expendables 3, the PG-13 action film starring Sylvester Stallone and Jason Statham, had a near-DVD quality copy of the movie leak to the internet almost a full month before the film hit theatres. The film has performed poorly at the box office in comparison to its previous films, and many studio insiders blame the leak, and illegal downloads and streams, for the poor ticket sales.

“We were charging such a low amount of money for our service, but spending hundreds of millions of dollars to get these old movies. I love films like Commando, The Stupids, and The Shaggy Dog, but people weren’t watching them,” said Netflix CFO Paul Bay. “We spent $40 million dollars to get the rights to stream all the Indiana Jones films, but people aren’t even watching those movies – and they’re classics! We should have just been a TV-streaming service. That’s where we make our money.”

Netflix had a small influx in subscribers after shows like House of Cards and Orange is the New Black caught people’s attention. The lower-budget, in-house productions made money for Netflix, because they weren’t having to buy the rights at a marked-up price from other companies.

“Sadly, even House of Cards is one of the most illegally downloaded shows on the internet right now,” said Kazaa. “If you search for ‘House of Cards+Torrent’ on Google, you get almost 3 million results. It’s sad that people would rather steal our content than just pay the $9.99 a month, but apparently that’s how it goes.”

The company plans to re-sell the streaming rights they have purchased to their films, with most contracts running out sometime in 2016, to other companies that offer similar services, including Hulu and Amazon.

“We are extremely excited to snag all of Netflix’s mediocre film and awesome TV content at a discounted rate,” said Tom Rent, marketing director at Amazon. “Piracy and illegal downloads haven’t hit us too hard, but again, we’re not a one-trick pony. We have all this media streaming, but we’re also the biggest online retailer on the planet, so we’re not hard-up for subscribers or anything.”

“With websites like ThePirateBay ‘releasing’ movies days, weeks, and occasionally months before they are available anywhere else, we just couldn’t keep competing,” said Kazaa. “It’s a sad truth. People want their content yesterday, and they can’t keep waiting for it. The binge-watching that we’ve created with shows has put people into a frenzy of ‘need it now,’ and they’ve proven that what they need isn’t necessarily something they want to pay for.”

Waitress Arrested After Throwing Plate, Hitting Toddler In The Face

Posted on August 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

An unnamed 20-month-old was rushed to the hospital after taking a flying dinner plate to the face at a Rhode Island Applebee’s restaurant. According to witnesses, while busing a table, server Caitlin Jones, 22, was having a loud, heated argument with another server, she flung out her hand, throwing a plate down the aisle of customers. The dirty dish struck a young toddler, who was sitting in a booster seat at the end of a table, in the side of the face.

“It was horrible. I saw the plate come flying out of her hand like a Frisbee. It hit that poor baby, and there was this awful pause before she starting wailing,” said Shaniqua Jones, a patron who was seated in the next booth. “Poor little child, blood was running down her face and getting into her macaroni and cheese. The waitress looked horrified. She started crying and apologizing right away. I don’t think she meant to hit that baby, but it was her fault completely. The force she threw that plate with was like an Olympic discus champion. It was insane.”

Police were called, and Jones was arrested for criminal negligence and assault. She was released on $4,000 bail later that day. Jones insists it was ‘an accident,’ and that she didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

“It just slipped out of my hand, honest,” said Jones. “I didn’t chuck the plate at the baby. I was just mad at Denise because she has been talking s— about me behind my back at work, and we were arguing, and I just got so upset I whipped the plate, not even thinking.”

This isn’t the first time toddlers have been endangered at Applebee’s. In 2011, a mislabeled container caused a mix-up that led to a toddler being served alcohol instead of apple juice.

“Except for delicious family dining, no incidents have occurred at any Applebee’s establishment since the unfortunate booze/bottle mishap. At that time, we took additional measures to ensure the safety of our guests. Sadly, this type of horrible accident, regarding the baby being struck with a plate, is not something we could foresee,” said Johnathan Applebee, founder of Applebee’s restaurants. “We have started production on a training video, though, to educate our servers about the risks of negligent plate-throwing, and the dangers it can present. Unless guests want us to switch to paper plates, I think that’s the best can we do right now.”

The parents of the toddler say they do not blame, nor have any plans to sue the restaurant chain itself, but are possibly seeking damages from Jones for hospital bills for their baby. Regardless of pending civil action, they say they do plan to make sure that Jones is held responsible for her actions.

“That girl, she needs some serious help. Who throws a plate, honestly?” said the mother of the young child, who wishes to remain anonymous pending the possible civil action against Jones. “She’s very, very lucky that my daughter is going to be okay. She’s also very, very lucky I didn’t knock her out right there in the restaurant.”

“I am horribly sorry for what happened, and it isn’t the restaurant’s fault at all,” said Jones. “I know it was me. I maybe, sorta was drinking a lot the night before, and I was just in a bad mood. Frankly, life as a waitress is a living hell, you know? Trying to pretend to be happy all day when you’re serving microwaved steak that tastes a little too much like ass sweat? Ugh, it’s a real chore being me, you don’t even know.”

Applebee’s restaurants deny all culpability for the incident, and immediately fired Jones. The chain still hopes to “See You Tomorrow.”

Michael Jackson Hologram Selected To Perform During Super Bowl XLIX Halftime Show

Posted on August 17, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

GLENDALE, Arizona –

After multiple conflicting reports suggesting that either Katy Perry or Carrie Underwood would be selected as the Super Bowl XLIX halftime performer, it came as quite a shock this morning as it was announced that the halftime performer is not a living person, but a hologram. The Arizona Super Bowl Host Committee decided to spice things up a bit and use the modern technology of today by selecting a holographic image of none other than the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. The hologram of Jackson will be the star of the show, which will take place on February 1st at University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona, home of the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals.

Holography is a modern-day technique that allows three-dimensional images to be projected by way of laser, interference, diffraction, light intensity, and virtual illumination. The final product is an image that seems to magically turn a picture into a living thing, in this case, Michael Jackson. Last May a hologram of Jackson was used at the 2014 Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, Nevada. The hologram and choreography took producers nearly a year of planning and technical work. The Super Bowl Host Committee conjured up the idea, and made it a priority to successfully follow through with, along with the assisting Billboard Music Award production team they plan (and guarantee) to do just that.

According to Arizona Super Bowl Host Committee chairman David Rousseau it was a cutting edge advancement in technology and entertainment that he believes needs to be embraced, offering NFL fans a halftime experience they would likely never forget.

“It was brought up in a meeting, seemingly as a joke by one of our staffers. In fact, it was such a ridiculous notion, that I ended up firing him for even mentioning it. Later that night, though, I went back and watched the Michael Jackson performance from the Billboard Music Awards, and I was amazed. It sent cold chills up my spine,” he said. “I even thought of calling up [the staffer] who suggested it and apologizing for laughing at his idea, but there really wasn’t time. The next morning we began to discuss it as if it were now a realistic idea to have a deceased legend perform. We got in touch with the team who designed the hologram for Billboard, and they were glad to do help.”

Several internet rumors have been spread over the last couple of weeks saying Katy Perry would grace the Super Bowl halftime stage this year, then rumors claiming it would actually be Carrie Underwood, who already has ties with the NFL from performing the Sunday Night Football intro and theme music, which is also broadcast by NBC.

“All nonsense, the rumors. We get that every year,” said Rousseau. “I even heard one about a mega-concert with people like Eminem and Roger Daltry and Marilyn Manson. I have no idea where these stories originate, but they’re always good for a laugh.”

Rousseau told the Associated Press that this would be the biggest halftime show production in history, and that it will put his committee on the map as one of the most successful planning committees in special event history.

“When this thing is over, the first question people will ask is when the Super Bowl is coming back to Arizona. I’m going to pull a Joe Namath and guarantee that right now, so mark it down,” said Rousseau. “There will be various acts which I cannot reveal at this time, to perform with Holo-Jackson, whom in their own right could handle the job themselves, putting the whole thing over the top with a massive bang, and then a grand-finale that I believe will be known in the future as the most exciting moment in live television history. What we have in store for the great football fans of America will have them gloating with American pride for weeks. Of course it will be a good game, but like most Super Bowls the game will be secondary to the halftime show and the commercials. You thought Janet’s t— were a big deal? Just wait!”

The 2015 Pro Bowl will also be played in Glendale one week before the Super Bowl on January 25th as an experiment by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell after being suggested the idea by Arizona Cardinals President Michael Bidwell. It is the first time since 1980 the Pro Bowl will not be played in Hawaii.

Man Loses Head of Penis In Fishing Accident [Disturbing Image Warning]

Posted on August 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

KOKADJO, Maine –

A Massachusetts man may have some reservations about the Maine state slogan ‘Vacationland.’ Thomas Ruhle of Taunton, Massachusetts, had to prematurely end his week-long trip to a lake in Maine after getting caught in a bloody mess – a freak fishing accident caused Ruhle to rip off the head of his penis.

According to Ruhle, he and his girlfriend, Miranda Tate, were fishing when her line became entangled in weeds and branches, and after whining and tugging, she was unsuccessful in freeing it.

“She threw her pole down in a huff, demanding to leave, and in an attempt to salvage the evening, I went in after the hook. I now wish I had thought to reel in my own line,” said Ruhle. “After stripping down to my boxer shorts, I waded over to where the line was tangled. I didn’t notice that my line had drifted closer, and my hook was resting on the crotch of my shorts.”

Getting frustrated with the tangle, Ruhle pulled on the wrong line and felt the hook stab into the head of his penis.

“I honestly thought something bit me, like a snapping turtle or something, and I sorta yanked the line out of reflex, and it dragged the barbs deeper in,” said Ruhle. “[It] wasn’t until I reached down that I knew what happened.” After screaming and pleading with his girlfriend, who thought he was overreacting, she reluctantly entered the water to bring him his knife, and he was able to cut himself free.

Kokadjo is a small village past Moosehead Lake in northern Maine, centered around a general store that was closed for the evening. Without cell service the couple was unable to call for help. Carl Rogers, a gas station attendant in Greenville, Maine, was shocked when the couple sped into his parking lot.

“Apparently, in a panic, this guy’s girlfriend sped towards town, and by the time they reached my station, the dude had gone into shock,” said Rogers. “I saw their new Prius when they pulled in, and man, I never seen so much blood in my life. It had soaked right into the passenger seat. We called 911, and they air-lifted him to Bangor right outta the parking lot here.”

Doctor Mark Gerard, a surgeon at Bangor Medical Center, said he had never seen anything so violent happen to a man who was fishing.

“His efforts to free himself did more harm than good, and he will require plastic surgery to regain full functionality of his penis. How much we can do to restore a normal shape will really depend on what type of insurance he has,” said Dr. Gerard. “In the mean time, we’ve warned him not to think of anything sexual that might ‘excite’ him in any way.”

Jerry Miller, a member of the Greenville, Maine fire and rescue team who responded said, “I cringe thinking of it. It was mangled and swollen like something had chewed it. First time with a fishin’ pole, I recon.”

“I’ve fished before. I’m from Taunton, not the Bronx,” said Ruhle. “With Miranda squawking, I just can’t think straight sometimes, ya’ know. She’d been bitchin’ since we left home.”

Tate, who Ruhle says is now his ex-girlfriend, explains it all a little differently. “We had such a hard time tying the hook on in the first place, and he was too stubborn to cut the damn line. Wouldn’t listen at all. If he had been paying attention to me, we wouldn’t have gone to the middle of nowhere on vacation. F— Maine. ‘The Way Life Should Be‘ my achin’ ass.”

Actress Betty White, 92, Diagnosed With Hookworms

Posted on August 15, 2014 by DvanL

BURBANK, California –

Comedic legend Betty White, currently starring in the TVLand sitcom Hot in Cleveland, received a diagnosis of hookworm infection after complaining of discomfort during a recent taping of the show.

“I had some stomach pains and was running a fever,” said White, during a break from rehearsal. The actress portrays Elke Ostrovsky, owner of a house shared by 40-something best friends Melanie (Valerie Bertinelli), Joy (Jane Leeves) and Victoria (Wendie Malick). “I’m usually healthy as a hog,” White added.

The diagnosis caught White by surprise. “I turned to my doctor and said ‘You’ve got to be pulling my leg. Are you sure you’re not a vet?’ My dogs get hookworm. Now this is just what I need — how much do you want to bet my co-stars start referring to me as ‘that old bitch?’” joked the tart-tongued White.

“You can’t get hookworm from petting your dog,” said Dr. Morris Fine of Harvard Medical School in Cambridge, MA. “Miss White probably came in contact with soil or grass that contained hookworm larvae or eggs,” he added. “That shows she cleans up after her pets. I’m not surprised, I know she’s an animal lover.”

White’s television career began in the 1950s after success as a radio singer and actress. One of television’s first female producers, White’s first show, Life With Elizabeth, aired from 1952-1955. Frequent guest appearances on variety and game shows established White’s decades-long popularity. Her role as man-chaser and ‘Happy Homemaker’ Sue Ann Nivens on The Mary Tyler Moore Show earned the actress two Emmy nominations and one win. In the 80’s and early 90s, she played lovable dullard Rose Nylund on the hit TV series The Golden Girls, which garnered her several more Emmy nominations and wins.

Not surprisingly, White was back at work after one day’s rest.

“She’s healthier than all of us put together,” said co-star Wendie Malick. “She’s a work-horse of a woman. I really admire her.”

Treatment for hookworm disease generally involves a round of medication lasting one to three days. Iron supplements are often prescribed, as anemia sometimes occurs as a result of the condition.

“I’m just glad that it wasn’t something worse,” remarked White. “Can you imagine if it had been fleas, instead?!”

Police Accidentally Fire Laughing Gas at Ferguson, MO Protesters

Posted on August 15, 2014 by DvanL

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Amidst rising tensions and violence stemming from the police shooting and subsequent death of unarmed African American teenager Michael Brown comes an unintended moment of unplanned and ill-timed levity.

Members of the Ferguson police department used incorrectly labeled canisters of nitrous oxide, more commonly known as ‘laughing gas’ against a crowd of demonstrators assembled for a peaceful protest.

At an evening press conference during the melee, Chief of police Thomas Jackson remarked, “In our haste to assess and control the situation and to clear the immediate and surrounding vicinity, several of our officers utilized the wrong supply of materials.”

Stifling a bout of laughter, Jackson continued, “They grabbed the … they grabbed the wrong cans!” After several minutes, Jackson regained his composure and continued. “Now is the time for law, order, and peace to return to our community. We ask for everyone’s cooperation.” Jackson hurriedly exited the press conference to assume command of the police operation, covering his mouth as he left.

Nitrous oxide is a sedative agent and its use is standard practice during dentistry procedures. Often, feelings of calm and light-headedness result from exposure to the gas, with some individuals expressing giddiness and euphoria.

The August 9^th shooting of an allegedly unarmed Michael Brown, 18, by police officer Darren Wilson under still-conflicting circumstances, has ignited a nationwide firestorm and initiated coast-to-coast discussions on issues involving race relations, militarization of local police departments, and questions of reasonable force when subduing and dispersing public gatherings.

Huffington Post reporter Gayle Jacobsen, an early online presence since the outbreak of the conflict struggled through her coverage of events:

This is the most … tragic and surreal … event that I have never … that I have ever been here to … excuse me a minute, my … my eyes are watering … This is the most water… I mean this is … the most excessive use of … the use of farce … no, I mean force … Oh, Jeez … let me start again … this is the most [unintelligible] … tonight’s level of gas is the worst one thing and … all the bystanders who were standing in the … by the … the gathering of the … gathering for the … the … [unintelligible]

Other eyewitnesses have reported seeing several officers dancing atop heavily armored vehicles and indiscriminately firing weapons into the air.

President Obama interrupted his vacation on Martha’s Vineyard to hold an impromptu press conference to comment on the situation and ask for calm, while Missouri Governor Jay Nixon appealed to religious leaders for peace.

Man Dies After Overdosing on Flintstone Vitamins

Posted on August 14, 2014 by JP

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas –

Aaron Silver, 28, a Little Rock, Arkansas local died last month after collapsing while out on a run with his dog. Silver’s family were just beginning to get on with their lives when they were astounded by the news released late Thursday afternoon by the local coroner, when his autopsy report showed that Silver had overdosed on Flintstone Chewable Vitamins.

According to the report, Silver, who was in excellent health, had unfortunately ingested more than 4 times the recommended dosage of the vitamins, and that the high amount taken had actually caused cardiac arrest.

“It sounds crazy, but the reason that Mr. Silver died was because he was trying to be too healthy,” said Richard Moore, the coroner who performed the autopsy. “It just goes to show you that you really need to follow the instructions for any medicine, no matter how non-dangerous you deem it to be.”

“Aaron was the kinda guy who would do something like that,” said his mother, Maureen Silver. “If he had a headache, he’d take twice as many Advil to make sure it went away twice as fast. It was just his nature. No doubt he thought he’d get four times as healthy if he took four times as many vitamins.”

“It is a strange occurrence, but when someone ingests too many vitamins in their body, on top of eating healthy and exercising, your body begins to overload on certain nutrients and they have nowhere to go. When this happens, sometimes it triggers strange things within the body. In the case of Mr. Silver, his heart couldn’t take the strain of so many Fred, Wilma, and Barney chewables,” said Moore.

Bayer Pharmaceuticals, the company that produces Flintstone Vitamins, have yet to make a comment on the death, but a representative for the company said they advise all consumers to closely follow the instructions on the bottle.

NASCAR: Tony Stewart To Announce Retirement From Auto Racing After Accident That Kills Competing Driver

Posted on August 14, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

NASCAR Insiders Rusty Wallace and Darrell Waltrip have informed the Associated Press that three-time Sprint Cup Champion Tony Stewart will hold a press conference in the coming days, and is expected to announce his retirement from all auto racing activities, as well as announcing the sale of his half of his ownership of Stewart-Haas Racing. The announcement comes after Stewart tragically struck and killed fellow sprint car driver Kevin Ward, Jr.

“This was a tragic accident, one he just can’t get over. I talked with Tony yesterday and he made it clear, he is done with racing. I tried to suggest to him to take time off and think it over for a few months, he told me he has made up his mind and will announce soon. I hope he changes his mind, but it sure sounded like he meant it,” said former NASCAR champion and Hall of Fame member Rusty Wallace.

According to Waltrip, he talked to Stewart for hours the night after the accident and again two days ago, and he says Stewart has been grieving more and more after the initiative shock.

“The man hasn’t slept for days, this has rocked his world harder than anything he has ever had to deal with. He told me he could never effectively get back in a race car and drive. He can barely bring himself to drive his Ford Taurus to the supermarket and back without cringing. I expect an announcement in the next few days, he is just working on what he is going to say to the fans and most importantly the father of the victim, Kevin Ward, Sr.,” Waltrip told NASCAR reporter Nicole Briscoe via telephone interview last night.

Ward, 20, had climbed out of his Sprint car during a dirt race in Canadaigua, N.Y., and he walked toward Stewart’s car during a caution, and while gesturing to him was struck and killed by the car Stewart was driving. Ward was pronounced dead on his way to the hospital.

Several race fans who have watched the horrific video believe that Stewart’s aggressive racing nature caused the death of Ward, including Ward’s father.

“Tony Stewart was the best damn driver by far on the track that night. Why he had to go up as high as he did and hog my son, there’s no reason for it,” Ward Sr. told the Syracuse Post-Standard. “Apparently, he was the only driver on the track who didn’t see [my son.] The one person that knows what happened that night could possibly be facing 10 years in prison. Is he going to say what he’s done?”

Speaking to the Associated Press, Corey Rayburn Yung, a law professor, said that under New York State law, Stewart could very possibly be charged with manslaughter, even if there was no intent to strike Ward.

“The question over whether someone was reckless is a factual one, and one a prosecutor might let a jury decide,” Yung said. “So far, from what I’ve read, Stewart has cooperated with police. That does not mean that once this is all said and done, that they won’t find him at fault one way or the other.”

On whether Stewart will retire from racing, all signs point to yes given the sources. “There will for sure be a press conference in which Tony speaks for himself, I think he sees no other way around this,” said Waltrip. “It will indeed be a sad day for NASCAR.”

Stewart-Haas Racing has not commented on the rumor, and a representative for the team could neither confirm nor deny Stewart’s intentions.

Congress Approves Sugar Tax Bill; Cost Of Sugary Drinks And Foods Expected To Triple By 2016

Posted on August 13, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A bill that would tax granulated sugar and all sugary foods is expected to be signed by President Barack Obama next week, after The House gave final congressional approval on Wednesday to a bill that would tax sugar on a per-gram basis.

“Sugar abuse is linked to several health problems such as obesity, diabetes, and other various diseases. This tax on sugar would go straight into funding all medical research – not just those common ailments – but all medical research,” House speaker John Boehner said.

The sugar tax bill is expected to triple the cost of foods high in unnatural amounts of fructose such as carbonated beverages, candies, frozen novelties, and over 700 other foods and drinks.

“The proposed bill is a good thing. We expect it to cut back on the unnecessary consumption of all junk foods, therefore, gradually making Americans who abuse these foods and drinks healthier,” said Tom Harkin, the democratic senator from Iowa, who also serves as the chairman of the U.S. Senate Committee on Health Education, Labor & Pensions. “For those who are willing to pay the extra price, they will be helping the cause by funding research for a vast array of medical endeavors.”

While many agree this could be a good thing, it seems most Americans seem to be opposed to the tax. In a poll taken by Empire News, 1,500 citizens throughout the United States were asked the question, “Do you agree or disagree with the proposed “Sugar Tax” bill?” An overwhelming 67% said they disagree with the bill, 23% said they approved, while the remaining 10 % declared they were undecided on or unfamiliar with the matter.

In an interview with North Carolina Congresswoman Virginia Foxx, she said the stats that were compiled proved that the American people are unable to make reasonable decisions on their own that would benefit their overall health.

“It is incredibly alarming how American people have complete disregard for their health,” said Foxx. “Look, I love cherry pie, candy bars, and fruity mixed drinks as much as the next person, but I also know that abusing these things is really bad for me. So many things we do are horrible for our bodies. Take drinking, for example. Americans need to try drinking their booze straight more often. I have found that straight bourbon on ice is actually very refreshing, cut out the sugary, fruity crutches when you can. Drink it straight,” she said.

Mary Jane Jenkins of Noblesville, Indiana disagrees with the bill, saying it’s ‘the worst decision’ that the government has made in ages.

“Look, I’m a f—-ing American voter and taxpayer. I should be able to use my food stamp card on anything I want, but with this stupid ‘sugar tax’ there is no way I will be able to buy my kids a box of Snickers bars. They say the price will almost triple. That’s absurd. It was bad enough when New York was in the news over their soda tax a few years ago, but this is crossing a major line. What’s next? Are they gonna tax their damn video games, too? This is our lives. Let us live and die at our own damn pace, fulfilling our own damn desires,” said an infuriated Jenkins.

President Obama, as a vocal supporter of the bill, is expected to sign it into law next Thursday morning.