Red Cross Announces It Has ‘Too Much Blood,’ Asking For Volunteers To Take Some Back

Posted on February 17, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The Red Cross, the company known for constantly being “in need” of blood, has announced for the first time ever that they actually have a surplus of red cells and plasma, and are looking for volunteers who may want to have a little extra blood added to their systems.

“For the first time in the history of our organization, we have too much blood,” said Red Cross spokesman Mary Lambert. “I’ve never seen anything like it. All those ‘in need’ campaigns worked, and people came out in droves. Couple that with less people needing transfusions, and we have too much blood. So much blood, in fact, that we’re giving it away!”

Lambert says that the Red Cross will be setting up stations in hospitals, American Legions, malls, and other areas that would normally be for blood donation, but will now be for giving back.

“If you’ve ever given blood before, you are welcome to come take some back for free,” said Lambert. “If it is your first time dealing with the Red Cross, then we ask for a small donation of $15, and we will supply you with up to one pint of fresh, warm plasma.”

‘Farmer’s Almanac’ Predicts Hottest Summer Ever; Temperature To Reach 140 Degrees

Posted on February 17, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, Indiana –

The Old Farmer’s Almanac, which has been predicting weather patterns better than your local meteorologist for decades, states that summer of 2016 will be the hottest on record, with scorching heat and humidity that will make many parts of the United States and Canada reach temperatures that were previously unheard of, with some areas consistently reaching 140 degrees Fahrenheit.

“It’s that damn global warming that’s to blame for this mess,” said old farmer Macdonald. “I’ve had my farm here with my chickens, goats, cows, and all them for what seems like forever. Looks like this year I will have to figure out a new plan. With the way that heat will be coming, all my animals will surely cook out in the fields. Guess I’ll have me some meats, though.”

Each summer, hundreds of people, usually elderly and small children, die from heat stroke or sun-related illnesses. This year, medical professionals are predicting that number will likely be somewhere in the mid-10,000 range.

“We treated 198 people for sunstroke last year in our hospital, and that was just a normal year,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Miami-Dade Medical Center. “This year, with the way the outreach forecast is looking, we are expecting to treat upwards of 1,000 at our center alone. Frankly, we know for sure that lot won’t make it.”

It may only be February, but doctors and weathermen are all suggesting that you buy new air conditioners now, before they are too hard to come by.

American Psychiatric Association Qualifies Trump Endorsement As Mental Illness

Posted on February 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Psychiatric Association has announced today that after much deliberation, the group has decided to qualify the endorsement of Donald Trump for President as a legitimate medical and mental illness.

“We have interviewed many people who, as bewildering as it is, support Donald Trump for president,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Hastings University Research Facility. “After talking to these people, we see no visible signs of anyone physically forcing them to support or vote for Donald Trump, leading us to conclude that it is, indeed, a mental defect.”

The APA claims that although none of the candidates for president qualify as “amazing,” Trump scrapes so far along the bottom of the barrel that their only choice was to rule support as a mental handicap.

“Frankly, I don’t see what the problem is. He’s not PC, and he says what I’m thinking, and that’s the kind of man that I want to vote for,” said Johnny Rogers, of Houston, Texas. “You can’t keep America great when you’ve got a black Muslim in the White House. Trump will fix this nation.”

“That’s the kind of garbage that almost every one of the Trump supporters we talked to would say,” said Dr. Brown. “You can see yourself, from that statement, and surely from many others you’ve probably seen on social media and in the news, that it’s obvious anyone who thinks Donald Trump is a viable candidate should be classified as having a mental deficiency.”

World’s Fattest Man Completes Triathlon In Record-Breaking Time

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The world’s fattest man, George Richards, recently finished first in a triathlon event in Los Angeles, California. Richards, who often does not leave his house, weighs nearly 700lbs, but was encouraged to run the race after he was told there was a free buffet dinner for all the runners once they finished.

“I normally don’t move that fast, but when food is involved, you can’t stop me,” said Richards. “I am always starving, I always want food. When it comes to a free buffet, you can’t stop me from getting there. It did surprise me, though, that I was able to beat all the other well-toned athletes that were running.”

Richards’ total time was 1 hour and 24 minutes, which beat the second place finisher by over 2 hours.

“I think that it was the 23 pounds of pasta I had before the race,” said Richards. “All those carbs, they really propelled me. The sad thing is, the buffet dinner wasn’t even that good.”

32 College Students ‘Feel The Bern’ After Political Rally Turns Into Orgy, Spreads Chlamydia

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

KEENE, New Hampshire –

A group of college students at Keene State College in New Hampshire have all recently been treated in local hospitals for Chlamydia and a host of other STDs after a recent political rally in support of Bernie Sanders turned into a full-blown orgy.

“Everything started innocently enough. We were meeting to help figure out ways to support candidate Sanders, and things were going well,” said rally leader Joe Goldsmith. “After a few hours and a lot of drinks, one thing lead to another, and soon all 32 of us had our clothes off, and well, you know what happened.”

According to doctors at Keene Memorial Hospital, all 32 of the involved students contracted various STDs, including chlamydia and genital warts.

“This is what happens when young people get together and try to change the world,” said Dr. Myles Kennefic. “They lose their focus, and everyone gets fucked. This is what the world is coming to. That’s why I’m voting Trump.”

Woman Delivers Healthy Newborn Baby Anally After Internal Complications

Posted on February 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A woman who went into labor on Sunday evening became the first in recorded history to deliver her baby anally instead of vaginally, after internal complications forced doctors to re-route her baby’s delivery path.

“Our patient, whose name is not being released at this time, suffered from serious infections and complications during her labor, and as such, we were not able to deliver her baby vaginally or through emergency caesarian procedures,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Atlanta Medical Center. “The patient was sedated, and we were able to successfully redirect her baby from her uterus through her bowels, and out her colon. It is the first, and as I’m aware, only time that this has been performed.”

Dr. Goldsmith says the entire procedure was recorded for future study and use by other medical professionals who may run into similar situations. At the time of this writing, both mother and baby were fine, although mother will be forced to wear adult diapers for the forseeable future.

Mother Of Baby Mocked By Internet Memes Says She Would ‘Kill Internet Bullies’

Posted on February 3, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HENDERSONVILLE, Texas –

Ann Meyer’s says she is wants to kill the internet bullies who are being cruel to her 4-year-old son, Jameson. He has a rare genetic disorder, causing wide set eyes and a smushed face similar to internet meme Grumpy Cat. His face was used by the internet in a cruel meme making fun of his appearance. It continues to circulate throughout social media, although Meyer has some success in getting it taken down on several occasions.

Jameson was diagnosed with Pfeiffer syndrome, also referred to as craniofacial syndrome, when he was still a baby. The rare genetic disorder impacts growth of the bones in the skull, hands and feet, and sometimes causes neurological defects. Jameson is intellectually normal, but trapped behind a face only a mother could love.

“I told Jameson, ‘we’ll kill them with kindness.’ What else can I do?” says Meyer. “Sure I’d like to whack those cruel bastards in the face with a shovel, but the internet is filled with hateful people like that. Where would I even start?”

Hillary and Bill Clinton Paid Daughter Chelsea To Have Babies

Posted on February 2, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Hilary and Bill Clinton allegedly paid daughter Chelsea, 35, to start a family. Chelsea is expecting her second child. Charlotte, now 16 months old, was born in September of 2014, about a year after Chelsea received a two million dollar incentive to start a family.

Not only did Hilary and Bill want grandbabies, they thought it would look good for the campaign. “The Clinton campaign wanted Hilary to appear to be a hard politician, which they have seen in her career as senator and secretary of state, while also retaining a warm, motherly aspect. Obviously Hilary Clinton’s womb has long ago dried up, and Chelsea is far too old to be cute. Voters like babies. Two is the optimal number. This definitely helped her win the Iowa caucuses,” says campaign analyst Greg Edelman.

Chelsea’s husband, Marc Mezvinsky says even though this ended the freedom the couple once enjoyed, he is happy they decided to take the money and conceive. “I am very lucky to have my kids and such generous inlaws. Sure, we don’t have the same freedom as before, but we’re set for life. And whatever helps Hilary win is good for our family and good for the nation. Clinton for president. All hail Clinton.”

McDonald’s Suggests Eating 3 McDoubles Each Day As Part Of ‘Healthy Diet’

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

After Chick-Fil-A recently announced that they suggest people eat their chicken nuggets 3 or 4 times a day as part of a healthy diet, McDonald’s fired back that they, too, should have their food eaten as often as possible if you wish to lose weight.

“Chick-Fil-A may have nuggets, but they’re not as good as ours,” said McDonald’s spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Ours also come with fewer calories per serving, and nowhere near as much homophobia. We strive to make the best nuggets, burgers, shakes, and fries that are out there today.”

According to scientists in the McDonald’s Food Development Lab, eating at least 3 McDoubles – a staple of the restaurant’s dollar menu – each day can help to keep you “fit, healthy, and less hungry.”

“Personally, I eat at least 5 McDoubles each day, and I normally wash it down with a side of french fries and a Diet Coke,” said food researcher Myles Kenefic. “So far, eating that way, I’ve lost over 20lbs in the last 18 years. I think that definitely says something about our food, and our products, and how it can help you stay healthy in the face of adversity.”

McDonald’s say that they hope to get people onto a Mc-Diet as quickly as possible, if not for the health of their customers, but for the sake of their rapidly failing business.

Rapist Sues Woman He Assaulted After Learning She Gave Him HIV

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

John Ryan, 32, is suing Felicia Jones, 26, after contracting HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in a sexual encounter. Ryan says that although he was raping Jones at the time, she should have informed him that she had the virus, and because she didn’t, he is entitled to “everything she has.”

“Just because I grabbed her off the running path in the park, took her into the woods, and raped her, doesn’t mean that she has the right to hide her disease from me,” said Ryan, who has been arrested for sexual assault in the past, although the charges were later dropped. “Because she didn’t say anything, I now have HIV, and my life is essentially ruined.”

The law in most states, including California, says that if you are a carrier of HIV or AIDs, you must inform all sexual partners beforehand, or face possible arrest and prosecution for manslaughter.

“Ms. Jones was fully able to explain to me that she had the disease, as I did not cover her mouth like I’ve done to other women in the past,” said Ryan. “I may have decked her in the mouth a few times, but a little blood is not stopping her from saying ‘hold on a minute, I have HIV.'”

Jones says that she was terrified in the situation, and that her condition was not at the forefront of her mind.

“That bastard was raping me, and telling him that I was sick probably wouldn’t have stopped him anyway,” said Jones. “I was scared, and I thought he might kill me. That’s what I was thinking about. My lawyer has advised me not to say that I think he deserves what he got, but let me just say that I’m certainly not sorry.”

Jones contracted the virus two years ago during a blood transfusion after a bad car accident.