2014 To Be Record Year for ‘People Peeping’ During New England Winter

Posted on September 30, 2014 by Andrew Husband

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

As fall temperatures plummet, millions of visitors from the New England countryside will make the annual pilgrimage to Boston for people peeping season. The event is a favorite regional activity for many, and experts predict record numbers during the coming winter.

People peeping is the name commonly given to the viewing of persons during the winter season. People peepers, on the other hand, are those who take part in the activity. Participants generally travel to densely populated urban areas to watch people go about their business, the most frequent being their attempts to escape the cold. Most major towns in New England offer prime people peeping when the time is right, but Boston routinely takes top prize among peepers.

“My family’s gone people peepin’ every year for as long as I can remember,” says Thomas Birch of Lincoln, N.H. “After the year’s fall, my daddy would take us down to Boston for a few days. It’s such a wonderful thing, you know, seein’ all the different kinds of people all around. All different shapes and sizes and colors. Mostly black, though, since they’re all bundled up against the cold.”

“We used to go to Maine in the fall for leaf peeping, but we find that’s just not as much fun as people peeping,” said Marsha Fuller of Lincoln, New Hampshire. “So instead of wasting money on that trip, we head down to Boston or Worcester in the winter. It’s a hellacious drive sometimes what with the snowstorms and all, but when we get there, and we can watch all the people scampering around, trying to get warm, it really makes the trip worth it.”

The 2015 Farmer’s Almanac predicts higher than normal snowfall for Boston, New York and other major cities along the Atlantic Corridor. This is especially the case for the months of December, January and February, during which the weather is expected to include “colder and slightly wetter than normal, with above-normal snowfall.”

“Folks are hardly ever outside then,” says Denise Palm, a frequent tourist from the west coast. “You rarely ever see anyone out and about for all that long, and I don’t blame them. It gets so cold here in the wintertime!”

Most consider snowy and freezing weather phenomena to be ideal, which is why Boston is the pastime’s epicenter. As days grow shorter and average temperatures decrease, more Bostonians spend less of their time outside. The infrequent sunlight and greater cold make for a most inhospitable environment, yet such is precisely what is necessary for people peeping.

The popular form of recreation is not without its detractors. As the weather worsens, obstacles like snow drifts and black ice hamper people’s ability to get around. The addition of people peepers only clogs the roads further, frustrating many in Boston. “They’re all over the place,” says an outspoken Southie resident. “It’s a disgrace, fallin’ everywhere like that in peoples’ ways.”

Despite the annoyance, the people peepers keep coming. Himself a father, Birch intends to rejoin countless others in the next few months for the trip south. “The Pines are already talkin’ about visitin’ the city in October, but I think we’ll wait till December or January. That’s when the real action starts.”

“I’m a bit of a fanatic about the whole thing,” Birch admits. “I’m pretty sure it’s why everyone calls me ‘Peeping Tom.'”

Gov’t Provides $600M Grant To Scientists Researching Natural Gas

Posted on September 28, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It was just another normal day in government spending this morning, when House members voted to pus through a $600 million dollar grant to help scientists research properties of natural gas. Dr. Issac Merda, professor of methane studies for the University of Kentucky, requested the grant almost 2 years ago. Dr. Merda says that he and his colleagues plan to study the truth behind the age-old adage ‘He Who Smelt It, Dealt It.’

“We have been working on this project for several years, and as of this summer we had run out of private funding,” said Dr. Merda. “We know it was going to happen, and at the end of 2012 I requested this grant from the government so that we could continue this extremely important scientific research.”

Dr. Merda and his partner, Professor Richard Teile, began their research in the fall of 2009, after a late-night Mexican bean burrito party with their lab employees got a little crazy.

“We were having a good time, eating some burritos and drinking a couple of beers, when in the middle of the laughter, Ol’ Ike let one rip – hard. He was right in the middle of pounding out a triple meat and cheese taquito, and although we all knew it was him, it was our friend Larry who smelt it first,” said Teile. “We all instantly stopped in our tracks. We knew it wasn’t Larry who nearly shat himself silly, so how was he the one who smelled the rancid stench before Dr. Merda? We all jumped to work instantly, knowing that it was a big deal, and that our research could change everything.”

“Oh man, it was really nasty smelling, too,” said Larry, the custodian in the science center at the University of Kentucky. “I happened to pass through, and was instantly like ‘Damn, who let that one go?’, and all the lab guys, they instantly got quiet. Then they all got really serious looks on their faces, and jumped right into work. It took me damn near a whole bottle of Febreeze to get that stank out, by the way.”

Merda says that they are very close to ‘cracking the code’ wide open, and that when they publish their results in the Journal of Scientific Discovery next spring, the world will be forever changed.

“The things that this little mishap has led to, discoveries and thoughts you can’t yet to imagine about human bodily functions in relation to their surroundings. It’s just going to boggle you’re mind,” said Merda. “This grant being pushed through will help us finally come to a completion of our study. $600 million will buy a lot of tacos, Coronas, and Goya beans.”

So far, the team is keeping a tight lip on their findings and research. As they continue to study the effects of smelling it versus dealing it out, there is currently no word on whether or not doing the crime really does correlate with making the rhyme.

Chubby Checker Breaks Hip Performing ‘Twist’ Dance He Made Famous

Posted on September 26, 2014 by DvanL

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey –

“Come on baby, let’s do the twist!” was a song lyric blazing out of millions of radios after singer Chubby Checker introduced the song in 1960.

When Checker, born Ernest Evans, introduced the song on The Dick Clark Show it began a national dance craze. Clark called it “the hottest dance sensation in the last 4 years.”

Last week in Atlantic City, while demonstrating the dance he helped create, Checker, now 72, violently twisted his body while onstage, tumbling over into the orchestra pit.

“It was worse than what it looked like,” said Checker, from his hometown in Philadelphia. “I’ve done this dance literally a million times – maybe more,” he said. “It could have been something on the floor, or the way the lights were reflecting – I don’t know. I was starting to turn after doing a couple of twists and BOOM, down I went, right on top of the conductor. First time in over 50 years I’ve ever twisted myself into injury!”

Checker takes part in 30 or 40 ‘oldies’ shows a year. “I used to do more, but I think 40 is enough these days.”

The busy singer also has appeared in several touring productions of the musical Grease.

Most people mistakenly believe that Checker wrote the song, but his version was actually a cover of the 1959 Hank Ballard and the Midnighters’ R&B version.

“I don’t know what it was that made my cover go worldwide,” said Checker. “I think it was being at the right place at the right time, and plus the dance. The dance though, that was all mine.”

Checker’s version of “The Twist” has the distinction of charting twice on the Billboard charts: initially, in September 1960 where it remained for 18 weeks, then again in November 1961, where it was ranked among the top 100 for 21 weeks.

In between the Billboard listings, Checker recorded a follow-up, “The Hucklebuck” which made it to number 14. Fans of The Honeymooners remember Art Carney’s Ed Norton demonstrating the dance to Jackie Gleason’s Ralph Kramden in the Season 5 episode “Young At Heart.”

Checker plans to get back on the road after the holidays.

“Maybe this is a way for ‘The Big Man Upstairs’ to tell me to take a break,” he said. “But I’ll be back. I’ve still got a few thousand twists left!”

Looney Toons ‘Superfan’ Injured by Anvil

Posted on September 26, 2014 by DvanL

WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia –

Anyone who’s seen a Road Runner cartoon knows the anvil gag – a heavy iron block used by blacksmiths somehow makes its way into nearly every cartoon, usually winding up in the hands or landing on the head of Wile E. Coyote, the Road Runner’s nemesis.

Life was not all ‘Merrie Melodies’ recently, though, for self-proclaimed ‘Looney Tunes Superfan’ Derek Whatley, 47, when he found himself with a broken leg while visiting a blacksmith’s shop in historic Colonial Williamsburg.

“We went down ‘Olde Main Street,’” said Whatley, “and stopped by the blacksmith’s to see how tools were made way-back-when.”

The Whatley family decided to spend a day at Colonial Williamsburg at the start of a cross-country trip.

“We saw a crowd in front of one of the storefronts,” said Derek’s wife, Susan. We went up and saw a demonstration by a blacksmith. It was fascinating! I made sure the twins, Elmer and Sylvester, got up close for a good look.”

The Whatley’s twins are 13, and blame themselves for what happened next.

“The blacksmith asked if anyone would like to experience what it was like to work in a blacksmith’s shop in the old days,” explained Elmer. “My dad’s always into new adventures, so we volunteered him.”

Whatley was outfitted with goggles, gloves, and a long leather apron to cover his Wile E. Coyote sweatshirt. The blacksmith explained that he was going to help him forge a piece of metal used in part of a hand pump for a water well.

“I started to hammer out the little flat piece of metal on the anvil, and I guess I hit it wrong, or something. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor, and I couldn’t feel anything from my left knee down. My wife was screaming and the kids were crying. I guess I was in shock.”

Whatley’s leg was broken when the anvil slipped from its block and tumbled onto his leg. A bolt used to secure the anvil, apparently weakened by years of metal fatigue, had snapped.

Whatley and family ended up in a nearby emergency room to have Derek’s broken leg attended to.

“Some of the doctors were laughing – the older ones anyway. I forgot that I was wearing my Road Runner cap and my Wile E. Coyote sweatshirt. I’m a the biggest fan of all those cartoons, and when I explained what happened and what fell on my leg, one of them looks at me and tries hard to keep from laughing, but he said he just couldn’t help it.”

The family will return to Williamsburg to fill out some incident reports and insurance forms related to the accident.

“The twins said I’m going to be an urban legend now,” said Whatley. The family is temporarily housed at a nearby motel.

“This isn’t the kind of vacation we thought it would be,” said wife Susan, “but it could have been worse. At the end of the day, it is what it is,” she said. “We’re trying to look on the bright side. At least he didn’t get blown up by TNT or fall off a cliff, you know?”

Disputed Study Claims Laundry Starch Promotes Healthy Teeth and Bones

Posted on September 24, 2014 by DvanL

NIAGARA FALLS, New York –

“Smile and say ‘CHEESE!’” How many times have photographers used the familiar phrase to coax smiles out of family members, co-workers, and friends? You’d have to be a crazy person to try and guess. Well, hold on to your wits, because now the cheese stands alone. A new phrase may take its place: Smile and say ‘STARCH!’

A highly disputed study sponsored by the National Laundry Council (NRC) suggests that common laundry starch, when used as part of a balanced diet, improves bone density and promotes healthy teeth.

NRC researcher Phyllis Argo and University of Phoenix osteopath, Dr. Felix Haney announced study results.

“It started because I’m lactose intolerant and worried about osteoporosis. I realized that if starch could make my clothes and linens stiffer and harder, why not my bones?” said Argo. “If you look at pictures of my mother and grandmother – all the older females in my family – they’ve all got ‘Dowager’s Hump.”

“Dowager’s Hump” is the informal name for kyphosis, a condition in which upper vertebrae compression causes a hump at the upper back. Osteoporosis, or “porous bones” is the leading cause.

Dr. Haney provided details of his starch study. “I experimented with a variety of substances mostly based on appearance and density to calcium and enamel, and my research pointed toward common laundry starch as the most digestible alternative.”

“I can’t tolerate dairy, and I didn’t like the side effects of those bone pills I saw on TV. The commercial with the actress who broke her leg on stage frightened me. I didn’t want to hobble around with a hunchback. I was initially scared to just eat the starch, so I just bathed in it. That seemed to help, just like it helps the linens. But it wasn’t enough.”

When questioned on the validity not only for this study, but also for another of the doctor’s ‘chalk and vinegar’ regimens, he excused himself to ‘go find [the research reports].’ Moments later, his receptionist explained that the doctor was ‘swamped’ with house calls, and had left the premises.

Dr. Mehmet Oz, himself under fire for promoting fad diet pills, addressed starch therapy during a recent studio taping of his medical entertainment show, Dr. Oz.

“There’s no medicinal value to ingesting laundry starch,” he said. “Usually people have cravings for nutrients that the body needs. My advice is to get yourself checked out by your doctor and follow recommended treatment. Laundry starch is for laundry, isn’t that right ladies?” He asked his audience, receiving a standing ovation.

“Well, I’m going to keep with the regimen,” said Argo. I think I feel better since I started, and I trust my doctor,” she added. “My posture’s improved, I think.”

Subsequent calls to Dr. Haney’s office were not returned, but a voice recording on his office answering machine reminded callers to always discuss new treatments with your physician prior to beginning any regimen, especially ones where you’re going to be literally ingesting poison, such as with the laundry starch addition to your diet.

Poison Ivy To Be Placed on Endangered Species List

Posted on September 23, 2014 by carriesnotscary

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Poison Ivy, one of the most hated plants in the world that causes irritation and itching on skin, has a new ally who wants to protect it from ending up becoming extinct. While there being fewer of these plants in the wild is good news for gardeners, it’s bad news for botanists who grew a weird attachment to the annoying weed.

While most people are celebrating Poison Ivy’s potential exit from the Earth, while some botanists are in mourning. “I love toxicodendron radicans, because I like the green. It’s why I became a botanist,” said Eugene Humphries, founder of The Society to Save Poison Ivy From Extinction (TSTSPIFE), which is located in New Hampshire. “It might seem like it’s everywhere, but if you seriously look back and recall the last time you had Poison Ivy rashes, you were probably in elementary school. It’s really not that bad.”

To save Poison Ivy, Humphries suggests everyone stops pulling it from their gardens, backyards, lawns, and hiking trails. “The more that it stays, the more will grow. Gardeners and selfish moms with kids who whine about a little itch on their leg have destroyed the most aesthetically interesting plant I’ve ever known. Roses have thorns, but I don’t see anybody trying to pull them out of the ground and into extinction. Personally, I don’t see a problem with rolling around in the plant. It’s really very satisfying”.

Humphries will do whatever it takes to spread the word. He plans to go around the United States to recruit more TSTSPIFE members. He also shared his plans to place signs around parks, in yards, and gardens, reminding folks of the damage they’re doing to the Earth. “If Poison Ivy goes away, I have to live the rest of my life knowing that people I don’t like will enjoy their hikes, itch-free,” he said. “All I really need is two or three more members, so I’m not doing this alone. Help me protect toxicodendron radicans, and you’ll help save a wonderful plant, and maybe even help save the world.”

‘Memory Foam’ Inventor Diagnosed With Alzheimer’s Disease

Posted on September 21, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Professor Gerald Harding, NASA scientist best known as “The Grandfather of Memory Foam,” has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.

“Professor Harding is the world’s foremost authority on synthetic materials and their application,” said Gerald Harding, Jr., son of the inventor. “His NASA research in the 1970s improved the lives of many, so it is with sadness that we report to you the current condition of his health.”

The announcement was made so that focus would not be lost on the illness.

Although the foam is currently associated with furniture and mattresses, it was originally developed by Professor Harding to improve cushioning for pilots and astronauts during long-duration flights and missions, and to protect test pilots and aviators from injury.

Professor Harding began exhibiting signs of memory loss and general dementia some time ago. Gerald, Jr. spoke of his father’s illness.

“He’d go into the kitchen and forget why. We all do that occasionally, but it got worse as time went on. He’d come back into the living room, sit down and ask ‘Is this a new chair? It’s so comfortable!’”

Gerald, Jr. would explain that the professor himself invented the very foam that made the chair so pleasant.

“Sometimes he’d remember, sometimes he wouldn’t. The chair remembered him more than he remembered the chair.”

“You know,” said Gerald, Jr. “the disease has mellowed him out. He’s enjoying things now that he never had time to enjoy before”

A tribute dinner is planned.

JELL-O Deficiency Linked To Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Posted on September 20, 2014 by DvanL

DEERFIELD, Illinois –

Workers at Kraft Foods, Inc. couldn’t be happier in these less than certain economic times. For them, the future looks bright and shiny.

Jack Pepper, production manager for Kraft Foods’ JELL-O Division said, “We just read a report from the National Council on Osteopathy, and they say gelatin helps relieve carpal tunnel syndrome! We couldn’t be happier!”

Carpal tunnel syndrome results when unnatural, repetitive pressure is placed on the median nerve located in the wrist. Symptoms include numbness, tingling, shooting pains into the hand, and compromised hand movement.

“Gelatin is a natural fleor,” said Dr. Ambrose Seelig, of Baltimore’s Johns Hopkins Medical Center. Dr. Seelig coordinated a groundbreaking gelatin study after his dog, Joy, accidentally ate an entire JELL-O mold that he and his veterinarian wife had made for a pot-luck dinner.

“Joy’s not supposed to have table scraps, but she’s a tricky one. She’s 14, and starting to show signs of slowing down – the usual things that happen with a dog of a certain age,” said the doctor. “She was having a lot of trouble with her joints; they were stiffening, and her paw actually had what in humans would be diagnosed as carpal tunnel. She scratched at the door so much with repetitive paw movements, so her mobility became compromised.”

“Then, I had an ‘Oprah Moment,’” said Seelig. “Well, that’s what my wife called it.”

Two days after Joy ate the JELL-O mold, her mobility increased and even her coat looked shinier. “I thought I was imagining things,” said the doctor, “but my wife confirmed it!”

Joy’s paw was becoming more mobile.

“We kept feeding her JELL-O,” said Dr. Seelig. “She loves it! She thinks she’s getting a treat, but she’s actually involved in good, sound medical research!”

Dr. Seelig wondered if the JELL-O treatment could produce the same result for two-legged sufferers.

Human trials were arranged at a testing facility in Maryland. An ad was placed on craigslist asking for volunteers who suffered from the syndrome.

“We had personalized bowls of JELL-O lined up, ready and waiting for the volunteers,” said Seelig. Some of them were disappointed that they weren’t receiving experimental drugs. A few severe cases couldn’t even shake hands or hold a spoon when they walked in, but after a month, their symptoms had disappeared, or were greatly reduced.”

“Our division is working ’round the clock,” said Jack Pepper, as he supervised production from the busy JELL-O floor. “We’ve even had to hire a new midnight shift! It’s great! I look out here and all I see for miles and miles are happy employees pulling levers up and down, back and forth, again and again and again; boxing gelatin, hand-mixing flavors, sealing bags, over and over and over again — 24/7! Everyone’s thrilled!”

Vegan activists are hoping for an equivalent therapy, as most gelatin products are derived from the skin, bones, hooves, and connective tissue of animals, and therefore not fit for human consumption.

“Joy’s doing great!” says Dr. Seelig. “Except for her green tongue. She likes the melon flavor now, though,” he said.

Infant’s First Word Horrifies Mommies at Play Date

Posted on September 20, 2014 by DvanL

SAN DIEGO, California –

11-month old Madison Fowler from San Diego, California, has been banned from play dates indefinitely.

“It’s all my fault,” says Diane, little Madison’s mother. “Kids pick up what they hear, and I’m the one to blame.”

When most mothers would be celebrating their baby’s first word, Diane, 24, can only hang her head in shame, while cupping her hand over Madison’s mouth. “’Sh––stain.’ She’s calling everybody ‘sh––stain. I use that word an awful lot when I’m changing her – her diapers I mean,” said Diane. “Well, I used to say it, until the day before yesterday.”

Up until 2 days ago, Diane and Madison were invited to more play dates than they could keep up with. But all that changed when Madison looked up into the eyes of last Monday’s ‘host mommy’ Jean, reached out to grab her finger, and said ‘s––stain.’

“I was so embarrassed,” said Diane. Everyone stopped what they were doing and Madison kept saying that word over and over and over again — ‘s––stain, s––stain, s––stain’ — I couldn’t get her to stop. They kicked me out and said I was banned from coming to any more play dates because of Maddie’s potty-mouth.”

“We can’t afford to have a bad influence here,” said Monday’s ‘host mommy’ Jean. One child says something, then the next thing you know, all the kids are saying something and we just can’t have that. I’m trying to raise Christian children here. We all are!” she added.

Meanwhile, back in Diane’s apartment, typical objects are scattered throughout — a playpen, toys, baby stroller, bottles, formula, and — to put it delicately — poo stains from little Madison decorating several dozen spots around her playpen and changing table.

“I feed her organic baby food that I make myself,” explained Diane. I don’t like artificial things in food, pesticides and things like that. She’s kind of – what’s the word I’m looking for? ‘Explosive’ I guess is the word. Food comes out of her like target practice. If it’s a choice between no play dates and Maddie’s health, I’m choosing her health! Any mother would.”

There’s little to no chance of reinstatement back to play date group for Diane and Madison.

“They tore up my agreement. They’re very strict. One new mother was banned because her 6 month old drooled too much. All the other mothers cross the street when they see me now. I guess you get to really know who your friends are,” said Diane, her eyes brimming with tears.

“It’s not fair,” she cried. “She’s just a baby and it’s all my fault and it was her very first word and I can’t tell anyone and -” Diane was interrupted by Madison as she threw her toy cellphone on the floor and said “s––stain.”

The young mother buried her head in her hands and wept.

New San Francisco Eatery Caca-Burger Features Eco-Friendly Sustainable Menu

Posted on September 19, 2014 by IHacklesworth

SAN FRANSICO, California –

San Francisco’s newest eatery boasts the ultimate in Eco-Friendly and Sustainable food sources; Caca-Burger is the first venue in the Bay Area to utilize only the finest recycled fecal matter in its culinary creations. Some food critics, while publicly applauding the innovative approach to cuisine, have said privately they have serious concerns that this will spawn a host of less savory knock offs.

“I’m surprised this was never tried before,” said Caca-Burger owner and head chef Robert Mierda as we relaxed over cups of steaming Asian Palm Civit coffee. “For instance,’ he said, pointing to our coffee cups, “this coffee comes from beans ingested and defecated by a tiny animal in Southeast Asia. Delicious, right? And almost a hundred bucks a pound!”

But is the public ready for a feces-based menu? “Not for everyone, and not as an everyday thing,” answered Mierda, “But our ambiance is ideal for an unusual date night. We also have a special Breakup Menu for Two that will enable someone to breakup with their significant other more easily, especially if the other is at all picky about food. Imagine the fun when they suddenly and dramatically discover that their dietary preferences are incompatible. Our servers refer to the Breakup Menu as ‘The S— Hits the Fan,’ but it does not appear that way on the menu.”

“It’s not so strange, really,” continued Mierda. “Americans have dined on cooked feces for many years. Take shrimp, for instance. Ever wonder what that dark strip on the back of shrimp is, the thing they call the sand vein? It’s the intestinal tract of the shrimp. Yeah, that’s right! And don’t even get me started on sausages! The animals we use are carefully selected for health and fed a balanced feed of grains and fruit only. Our veterinarian examines each animal once a week and should one become ill and require anti-biotics, they are immediately removed from the fecal food chain. Diners need never worry that they will be subjected to anti-biotics and other potentially harmful substances the way they are at too many restaurants in the Bay area.”

Some of the menu items sound tempting, with names like ‘Caca-Burger Supreme with Portobello Mushrooms and Truffle Mayo,’ ‘Flop a l’orange,’ and the extremely straightforward ‘Poop Poop Poop Pudding.’

Reached at the Bay Area Public Health Division, Registered Nurse Jackie Dickson explained the Division’s landmark decision to license the unusual eatery. “It’s really a matter of cultural diversity,” she said. “Each of these menu items has some cultural or historic correlation and Mister Mierda has carefully documented each occurrence. Under Bay Area statutes regarding cultural diversity, our hands are tied. And of course, the food production is routinely inspected by a veterinarian.”

“I guess it’s not that unusual,” she continued. “Do you know about shrimp and that coffee they pass through the cats? People have been doing that for years.”

An informant at the FDA advised us that the agency has taken an interest in the eatery, but they are proceeding with caution. “All this administration needs is a s—storm over something like this, if you’ll pardon the pun. Everyone in the administration is on notice that cultural diversity rules the day and no one wants to get in front of that.”

Caca-Burger is located on Zeitgeist Street in the Mission District. Hours are Noon to 9PM Monday through Saturday. Major credit cards are accepted.