Haunted House Employee Dressed As Jason Voorhees Arrested After Killing 19

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire –

A haunted house employee at a venue in New Hampshire was arrested after police say the man “snapped,” and murdered 19 people with a machete while they were inside the haunt.

Thomas Richards, 37, was taken into police custody after a haunted house volunteer called 911. They claimed that one of other costumed characters working the event, who was dressed as horror movie character Jason Voorhees, was attacking people with what was supposed to be a fake machete.

“Mr. Richards had apparently swapped out his foam, haunt-provided machete for a real one, and attacked guests as they made their way through the haunted house,” said police chief Mario Colone. “He was able to attack over 30 people, with 19 of them dying from injuries sustained by the machete blows. These attacks took place over a period of 45 minutes, as no one knew the screams inside were real.”

Richards was well liked by his fellow haunt employees, and haunt organizers say that Richards had come back multiple years, with 2015 being his 9th year playing Jason in the haunted house.

“It’s mind-boggling that Thomas would just snap and kill all those people,” said haunted house organizer Christopher Creed. “I don’t know what would make him do it, but it is insane. The scene was bloody and violent. It was so disturbing I cringed. In fact, it was so disturbing, we decided to leave the crime scene the way it is for next year’s haunted house. People will be scared to death!”

Richards is scheduled for arraignment on Thursday. He will be charged with 19 counts of first-degree murder, as well as an additional 15 counts of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon. Police say that he faces the death penalty.

Wendy’s Employee Kills Manager After Having Time Off Request Denied

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BROOKLYN, New York –

An employee at a Wendy’s location has been arrested after allegedly killing his boss when his time off request was denied.

Jerald Marques, 26, was arrested after another Wendy’s employee called 911 on Wednesday evening. The call, which was made to police around 6pm, recorded the voice of a frightened woman who was calling from inside the kitchen of the Wendy’s.

“Oh my God, my God! Jerald done killed the boss! He just killed the manager!” said the unknown caller. Police arrived on the scene to find Marques casually eating a cheeseburger in the dining room of the restaurant. He was reportedly covered in blood and mustard.

“I asked for Halloween off almost over two months ago, and that dumb muthafucka denied my request,” said Marques. “I wanted to take my baby girl out trick-or-treating, and he said I couldn’t. Well fuck him, I do what I wanna do.”

Marques was arrested and taken into custody. He is scheduled to be arraigned on Monday. He is charged with assault with a deadly weapon (metal spatula), and murder in the first degree.

Actor From State Farm Insurance Commercials Killed By Wife Over Alleged Infidelity

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Justin Campbell, the actor who played the husband in the infamous “Jake From State Farm/State of Unrest” State Farm commercials, has reportedly been murdered in his home in Los Angeles. The alleged assailant, Campbell’s wife, Mary, has been taken into police custody.

“Justin was an amazing guy, and he was hilarious,” said an anonymous friend. “I’ve known him nearly 20 years. I don’t know why Mary would do such a thing. She is a sweet lady. I can’t imagine what happened in that house last night.”

“I used to catch him up all the time, talking on the phone in the middle of the night,” said Mary while being questioned by police. “He told me he was just talking to his agents, or working to get new roles. But I knew that it wasn’t the case. He was up talking to other women on the phone. That commercial he was in, that was true to life! It happened! I know it did! Typecasting! Typecasting!”

Campbell, who is best known for playing a husband taking advantage of State Farm Insurance Company’s 24-hour customer service hotline, but is accused by a nagging wife of talking to a phone sex operator, was also known for small roles in Hollywood films such as The Hurt Locker and The Naked Brothers Band: The Movie.

Reps for Campbell could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the family say that Campbell requested that he be buried in anything other than khakis.

Man Who Breaks ‘Pay It Forward’ Chain At Starbucks Immediately Killed In Auto Wreck

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOLEDO, Ohio –

Jacob Brunner, 36, of Toledo, was killed in an automobile accident immediately after pulling out of a Starbucks location in his hometown. Although tragic, the news would not normally go viral nationally, except that in this case, Brunner was the person who broke the “pay it forward” chain at the drive-thru window.

“We had 117 cars come through, and every single one of them ‘paid it forward’ by purchasing the coffee for the car behind them,” said Starbucks manager Kris Froth. “The first car of the day came through, paid for their coffee, and then paid for the person behind them as well, just as a kind gesture. When we informed that second car what happened, they offered to pay for the car behind them, and so on, all day. It went on for 8 hours like that, actually. Then Mr. Brunner came along.”

Froth says that when his employee, Jane Moyer, 19, told him that the person in front of him had paid for his coffee, and asked if he wanted to “pay it forward” by purchasing coffee for the next car, Brunner laughed.

“‘Fuck no, that’s retarded’ is what Mr. Brunner said when I told him about paying it forward,” said Moyer. “He said it was dumb, and it wasn’t paying forward anything, it was just paying a ‘little more or a little less’ for your own coffee, based upon the order of the person behind you, and that’s not how paying it forward worked. He took his free coffee and drove off. Then we heard the crash.”

According to police reports, Brunner pulled out of the Starbucks, located on North Rd., and when trying to cross into the turning lane, was struck by a semi-truck. He was killed instantly and reported deceased by a coroner at the scene.

“I guess it just goes to show you that you can never, ever break the chain,” said Froth. “Also, our Starbucks location has a sale on Grande coffees this week. Only $1.99, no coupon needed.”

Kids Lure Cats to Death with Laser Pointer

Posted on May 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

Cat owners can sleep a little easier now that suspects have been apprehended for luring at least five local cats to their deaths, endangering unsuspecting drivers. The names of two juveniles have not been released, but the laser pointer allegedly used was reportedly found upon strip-search of the boys.

Distressed neighbors had put signs around the community, warning drivers to be extra cautious.

The Bangor Daily News reports that Bill Dodge, 44, was the hero that finally caught the boys. He had seen the signs posted in the neighborhood and immediately slowed down when he saw suspicious red light.

“Big orange tabby. Smart fella- didn’t follow it into the road. I chased them boys now got a holda one of them. Pinned him down with my knee and dialed 911.”

Jenny Jackson, 37 was the first victim of the vicious trick. “A while off I saw a red light flashing on the side of the road. Then it stopped. I just thought they were messing around with me when I saw the little red dot in the street. A second later I saw the poor cat, and it was too late.

There was such a horrible thud. It was dark so I couldn’t make out much, but it looked like teenage boys in baseball caps, and I heard them cackling as they ran away through someone’s yard. Laughing! I couldn’t believe it. What if I swerved and hit a pole?”

Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police ‘He Had A Bigger TV’

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

FAIRFIELD, New Hampshire –

Envy rears its ugly head yet again as a family is briefly left in tears over the death of James Moore, 29 – father, husband, and owner of a huge TV.

Police arrested Darnell Wilson, 23, at the scene of the crime shortly after it happened. He made no attempt to resist. During questioning, he gave an honest account of what happened, verified by the victim’s family.

“Day in, day out, they’d have that TV on. I could see it through my kitchen window – part of it anyway,” he explained. “The man’s TV was at least 70 inches. What was I supposed to do? Any self-respecting man would’ve done the same.”

In a fit of jealousy and embarrassment at his mediocre 42-inch TV, Wilson paid his neighbor a visit with a fully loaded handgun. Moore’s family, initially grief-stricken and confused, came to visit Wilson and express their sympathy. Carla, wife of the deceased, said her husband “probably would have done the same” if they had such a tiny TV. The family is pressing charges regardless, because they are Americans, after all.

While Wilson is facing a trial, police say a murder penalty is unlikely due to the circumstances. The sentence is likely to be two years maximum for aggravated embarrassment with a capitalist-conditioning plea.

“I mean, it’s not like he stole our TV,” Carla said. “I’d be okay with just getting some money out of the whole thing. James didn’t have life insurance.”

The family has since purchased heavier window curtains to avoid similar annoyances in the future.

Dog Kills Owner After Being Forced To Lick Peanut Butter From His Groin

Posted on February 8, 2015 by JP

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana –

Thomas May, age 46, died early Friday morning in his Baton Rouge home. May’s death was caused by his dog, in a brutal attack that neighbors are saying they aren’t at all surprised to finally see happen.

“He would leave his dog out for hours upon hours, and personally I have never seen him feed the dog or pick up any of his droppings,” said Claire Devin, who has lived next to May for 5 years. “He has had the dog for as long as I have lived here, and I did call animal control on him several times. It appears my calls never worked because I never witnessed anyone come check his home for animal cruelty. Tom was a lonely man, he never had company, and the only time I would see him was when he would came out of his home to grab his paper, always just in his underwear.”

Police found May brutally attacked in his living room, with his pants around his ankles and peanut butter covering his groin. It appears from a DNA sample that the dog was licking the peanut butter off of May before attacking his neck and killing him.

Normally, under state law, a dog that attacks has to be put down, but a judge made an exception in the case of May’s dog, who was named Taco.

“He was going to be put down, but a local family heard the story and decided to adopt the dog. I have decided to spare the dog’s life, as it is clear he was under heavy strain and probably abuse, and that is why he attacked Thomas May,” said Judge Joe Goldsmith. “The family says that they have already bonded with Taco, and that the Chihuahua has become fast friends with their children, and their other pets.”

Man Attempts To Kill Girlfriend After Dreaming She Cheated On Him

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

TALLAHASSEE, Florida –

A Florida man is behind bars today after he allegedly tried to take his girlfriend’s life. According to the victim, the altercation occurred when Wrangle had a dream that she was unfaithful to him.

Jacob Walter Wrangle was arrested on Wednesday following a vicious attack on his girlfriend, Jennie-Lynn Smyth. According to the victim, Wrangle reportedly awoke at 4 AM, and begin shouting and thrashing.

“He was screaming ‘Oh no you don’t. Not like this!’ and started grabbing at me,” said Smyth. “But he just kept screaming and saying ‘You can’t make me a fool. I’m your man!’”

Smyth said she then realized he was in the midst of a dream and attempted to calm him down. According to Smyth, Wrangle overpowered her and began to reach for a weapon. “I knew he had the handgun under the bed. But I was able to make my way to a phone when he stopped screaming at me and started talking about the orange flamingos taking his pants.”

Sheriff Deputy Steven Gordon arrived on the scene minutes later and attempted to reason with the sleep-walking Wrangle.

“The individual kept stating that the victim, Ms. Smyth, was making him look like a fool. My partner and myself attempted to reason with him until it became clear he was not fully cognizant. At that time, we decided to take utilize our tasers and subdue the individual.”

When reached for comment, Wrangle’s public attorney stated his client was sure that an act of infidelity occurred. According to the attorney, Wrangle saw Ms. Smyth and an unidentified man in mid-coitus on top of a unicorn at the local supermarket.

Rare Feline Disease Projected To Kill Millions Of Cats, Experts Fear Extinction

Posted on December 28, 2014 by Abe Abrams

ATLANTA, Georgia –

America’s second-favorite pet is in a battle for its life, and looks like it’s losing. Cats, both domestic and feral, have been dying in alarming numbers across the country, and veterinarians working closely with the Center For Disease Control have been seeking to find a cure for this new feline disease.

“We have diagnosed a disease, but cannot control it. It’s spreading at an alarming rate, and we can project death rates into the millions by summer. If your cat has been urinating more than usual, or being extra vocal, it could be the first signs of the disease,” said Alan Anderson spokesman for the CDC. “While a cure would not be impossible to find, we at the CDC quite frankly have better things to focus our energies and research on.”

Anderson said that while the CDC has been looking to find a cure for the disease, they have been also dealing with massive amounts of paperwork leftover from the recent Ebola scare.

“We’re very tired after that whole Ebola thing,” said Anderson. “This new cat disease, known as Feline Urinary Cartilage Abdominal Track Syndrome, or FUCATS, for short, is easily spread, and it could very well mean an end to cats altogether. But, here at the CDC, our main concern is human diseases and controlling and containing their spread. Possibly dog diseases, too, but certainly not cat diseases.”

“Many in my field feel that FUCATS is a godsend,” said veterinarian Mark Miller. “I look forward to the day I can go to work without being scratched by those soulless creatures. For felines, FUCATS is a horrible way to die. Their intestines turn into hard cartilage, and it’s very painful. It’s so painful for the cats, it’s almost hard for me to enjoy watching them die, but I manage.”

“It’s horrible. I mean, they could cure it, but they can’t be bothered,” said Margaret McCoy of Duluth, Minnesota, owner of 15 cats. “My babies are all I have. I guess I could get a dog. I always wanted a dog, and I hear one dog equals the love of 15 cats. But, still…I’ve grown attached to these furry little guys, the litter being tracked all over the house, and the smell of ammonia in the air. I hope that FUCATS doesn’t get my little fur-babies!”

Unarmed White Teen Killed By Black Police Officer – The Family’s Reaction Is Crazy!

Posted on December 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

NEW CANAAN, Connecticut –

The news of policemen shooting unarmed teens continues this week in suburban Connecticut, as Phillip Macinaw Jr., 17, was shot dead by police in the middle of a quiet street. Police say they incorrectly identified Macinaw as another teen they had been searching for who was thought to be involved in several home invasions.

Police reports show that the shooting happened after Macinaw was asked to hold up his hands, yet reached down into his waistband for what officers thought was a weapon. The object turned out to be a leather-bound date book filled with appointments, including fencing class and polo lessons.

The Macinaw family is distraught over the passing of their youngest son and are asking for their privacy, but were able to answer a few questions posed by media. When asked if they would be protesting the shooting, since their white son was killed by a black officer, Mrs. Macinaw dismissed it offhand.

“We all have jobs, and I head up the Charitable Women’s Society, so I don’t have a lot of time for the type of ‘protest’ you see on the news these days. Just because an incident involves people of different races doesn’t make it necessarily racist. I will be writing a letter to my Congressman about the level of training these officers receive, but I don’t believe I’ll be torching any police cars, no. My taxes helped buy them, after all,” said Charlene Macinaw, Phillip’s mother. “I helped allocate the monies for the town hall at the citizens meeting. I suppose when you aren’t paying for the infrastructure it must be easier to burn it down.”

Phillip Sr., despite the visible tears, was sympathetic to the officers involved.

“Phil wasn’t always the best listener. He had his flaws. I’m sure he ignored their warnings. I just feel terrible for these men who have to live the rest of their lives knowing that they took a life that didn’t need to be taken. These things aren’t always rational, but it is the civilized thing to do to keep a cool head. I may put in a stern letter to the Chief, but when you look at this like someone who has a little bit of sense, you see that nothing, no level of reaction, will bring your loved one back. You just have to learn how to cope instead of acting out and projecting.”

The identities of the officers involved in the shooting have not been released publicly. The police department has offered their deepest sympathies to the Macinaw family.