Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather To Become First Private Citizen To Travel To The Moon

Posted on November 23, 2014 by JP

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

It has been confirmed today that a private citizen will be taking a trip to a place no man has gone before – unless, of course, you’re a man that happens to be an astronaut.

A new, privately funded space exploration company called GalaxyTech is sending its first citizen to the moon. The program is using this opportunity as a way to gain a little bit of cash, because as they said ‘a ticket to the moon don’t come cheap.’

“The exciting part of the announcement comes when we let everyone know who the first guinea pig, er, I mean, who the first brave explorer will be,” said company representative Sherman Helms. “The person who will be taking the trip could be argued as one of the most famous athletes in the world – his name is Floyd Mayweather!”

Mayweather announced his trip to the moon earlier this week through his publicist, but initial reports seemed to come through the media as a purported joke.

“I just thought this would be a great chance for the best on Earth to hold the crown as the best on the Moon, too,” said Mayweather. “I’ve done almost everything there is to do on this planet, and I’m ready to see what the moon has to offer. Plus, who knows, maybe they be some type of alien up there that wants to go a couple rounds.”

The space program sending Mayweather to the moon hopes that other celebrities will follow suit. While Floyd my be the first private citizen going to the moon, GalaxyTech say that they sincerely hope that he isn’t the last.

New York To Raise Cigarette Taxes, Prices Could Reach $25 Per Pack

Posted on November 8, 2014 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

With cigarette prices going up in cities all over the nation, it appears that New York will soon hold the crown once again as the state with the most expensive cigarettes. Cigarettes have been heavily taxed by state and federal regulators, with the cost increasing steadily over the past 20 years, but now New York will be adding an additional tax to them.

The decision was made after congress saw that New Yorkers were still buying cigarettes like crazy, even with their ridiculous prices. A study conducted by the state science board showed that people in New York spend more money on tobacco then they do on food year-over-year.

“Taxing cigarettes is a perfect way for us to earn money for our schools, for our roads, really for whatever we want,” said New York state representative Aaron Silver. “We might just use the money to have a big party at the State House. It doesn’t matter. People need their smokes, and they’ll pay whatever the cost.”

“In the long run, they’re just going to get what they want,” said New York smoker Jared Coff. “I don’t have time to drive into Jersey for my cigarettes, and even if I did the gas would equal the damn savings anyway. I might as well cut my losses and just pay whatever they’re asking. I hear that Camels, which is my brand, could hit $25 or $30 a pack. It’s a Goddamn racket is what it is.”

Currently, the average price of cigarettes nationwide is about $8, so New York’s new tax will essentially triple the cost of a normal pack. Prices in New York City tend to trend slightly higher already, at anywhere from $12-$14 for a pack of many major brands.

“What else can I do, really, except pay it?” said smoker Chris Moke. “I smoke, and the prices are going up. So they double? Whatever. You pay it, you bitch, and you move on. Really, that’s the only option, as far as I can see it. The price of milk has gone up a ton over the years, too, but I ain’t putting water in my cereal, ya know?”

According to a recent street poll, over 90% of New Yorkers say that they are against the new tax, but that they would still pay for their cigarettes. When the idea of just quitting was brought up, and overwhelming 100% said that the thought never crossed their mind.

Daytime TV Mogul Oprah Winfrey, 60, Confirms Pregnancy

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

LOS ANGELES, California –

Amid speculation that Oprah Winfrey is sporting a conspicuous baby bump, the queen of media announced this morning that she will be giving birth to a baby girl. Winfrey turned 60 years old this year.

Sources close to Winfrey say she is thrilled, and can’t wait for the surgery to have the bundle of joy excised in a minimally invasive surgery to take place in February. “I wish I could move the appointment to tomorrow, but I’m afraid she’ll show up without taste buds and eyelashes, or missing several fingers or something,” The Big O gushed in a recent interview.

Stedman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend since 1986, is reportedly not the father, as the pair were way too old to get pregnant naturally. Curiously, instead of the couple claiming the baby together as parents, Oprah has decided instead to name life-long best friend Gayle King as the baby’s father for ‘public purposes.’ On being a new father, King reportedly stated, “I never wanted children myself, but if it makes Oprah happy, it’s all worth it! And being baby-daddy to a billionaire’s kid doesn’t hurt either!”

As excited as she is to become a parent and have someone to pass her extreme wealth onto after she passes, it’s well-documented that at Oprah’s advanced age, risks of possible complications for both the mother and unborn child are significant.

According to Dr. Jan Foster, M.D., an obstetrician who did not treat Oprah; “I personally would advise her that she is exceptionally vulnerable to complications that can lead to preeclampsia, a potentially fatal condition. Plus the child could develop a learning disability, blindness, or worse.”

But the once daytime TV giant’s determination is unshakable.

“I look better than I did in the 80s, and I’m pretty sure my uterus does too. I may be 60, but I feel like a million dollars. Hell, I feel like 3 billion dollars – and I would know exactly what that feels like, too! Now – you get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car!” Said Oprah, casually handing away Lexus sedans to anyone standing near her. “This is just the happiest I’ve ever been in my life!”

When asked if a name had been chosen, Winfrey replied, beaming, “I’ll either name her after my Grandmother Hattie Mae, or Harpo after my production company. Hattie Mae is a little old-fashioned, so I think Harpo might be the way to go!”

We reached out to Oprah’s long-time friend and mentor, writer Maya Angelou for comment, but a rep for the author stated that she was ‘dead,’ and as such was unavailable.

Colorado Residents Vote To Legalize Prostitution Throughout The State

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BOULDER, Colorado –

The people of Colorado overwhelmingly passed amendment P-69, better known as the ‘Freedom To Work Act’, yesterday afternoon in state voting. The little known amendment had not seen much press, and the politicians that sponsored the amendment have no idea how it got on the ballot.

“Potter and I wrote the amendment at a bachelor party as a joke, we were both pretty drunk and at the time and it was getting annoying proving to the girls we weren’t cops,” said Rep. Brian Brown. “Apparently, though, the people have spoken – or in this case voted, and amendment P-69 has legalized prostitution in the great state of Colorado. The only two possibilities are the name of the amendment was deceiving and people had no idea what they were voting for, or 87% of Coloradan’s are in favor or prostitution. This is why I urged people not to vote stoned.”

It’s going to nice not having to worry about getting arrested anymore. One of my friends is getting t-shirts made that say, ‘I’m a Prostitute – ask for prices!'” said working girl Havana Humphrey. “Me, I’m going to set up a business in my house, it will be just like a doctor’s office with a waiting room and magazines, except instead of anal probes and cancer screenings, we’ll give blowjobs. Actually, on second thought, we’ll give anal probes, too. That costs extra though.”

“I had no idea, amendment P-69 sounded good, I mean ‘freedom,’ ‘work,’ – those are good things, right?” asked Wilma Wilson, an 89-year-old retired nurse.”I had no idea it was about prostitution, this state is going to hell in a hand basket, I tell ya. First the marijuana and now this – what’s next, public nudity? I’m packing up and moving to Florida where people still have some good sense.”

Los Angeles Holistic Medicine Clinic Says Coconut Oil Cures Cancer

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Chip

LOS ANGELES, California –

Holistic Henry’s Holistic Clinic is once again in the midst of controversy. Holistic Henry’s is run by Henry Rackman, who initially made waves in the medical community 2 years ago when he opened Henry’s House of Medicine, a pain clinic in Los Angeles that specialized in the dispensing of narcotic pain killers. The pain clinic was almost immediately raided by the DEA, and shut down for a laundry list of infractions.

Immediately upon Henry’s House of Medicine being shut down, Holistic Henry’s was opened. Rackman was convicted of dispensing pharmaceuticals without a license, but was given a suspended sentence.

Holistic Henry’s has recently been targeted by the media for taking advantage of chronically ill patients that are dying of cancer. It is estimated that Holistic Henry’s currently has at least 40 chronically ill patients. It has been confirmed that at least 9 of the clinics patients have passed away this month.

Treatments prescribed by Holistic Henry’s include frequent yoga, heavy applications of coconut oil, and ‘eating right’.

Amanda Rotberg, the daughter of one of the recently deceased patients, has spoken out against the clinic and said her father was taken advantage of. She said he had a hard time digesting the news from his doctor that even with continued treatment, he would most likely only have 2 years alive. She says that her father was not in a clear state of mind and, was desperately searching for something that would cure his cancer.

“My father thought he found what he was looking for at Holistic Henry’s, however what he actually found was a bunch of con-artists that convinced him rubbing excessive amounts of coconut oil on his tummy every night would cure his stomach cancer,” said Rotberg. “It’s sickening what they’re claiming, and they have no evidence to back it up whatsoever.”

“The worst part of the whole thing, is that insurance does not cover any treatment received at places like Holistic Henry’s, so my father paid out over $150,000 to the clinic. Exactly what is the overhead on coconut oil and yoga? I’ll tell you, it’s damn near nothing!”

A Holistic Henry’s representative was asked what services they offer to a patient suffering from cancer, and they said that it varies, but they have a basis of treatments that all patients should receive.

“We offer several modern treatments, but honestly, aside from heavy applications of coconut oil and frequent yoga, the best treatment for someone dying from cancer is to just be a good person.”

2014 Federal Tax Refunds To Be Delayed, Payments Won’t Arrive Until October 2015

Posted on October 18, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The deadline for filing your 2014 federal tax return has been April 15th for decades, with the last person who is owed a refund getting their payment usually by the end of May. This year, though, even with the advent of the internet and phone-filing systems, people who file early and folks who wait until the final deadline, are looking to have their refunds held back several months, with payouts not expected to happen until October of 2015.

The news of the major change was first broken by website National Report, who says that the Obama administration is purposely holding owed refunds to help save the government money. According to Report, the Federal Government returns around $350 billion dollars of what it has collected from taxes throughout the year, and withholding the payouts until October will allow the government to gain an additional $30 billion in interest and additional borrowing costs.

The change is not universal, though. The new rebate delay is only set to affect those who have filled under an individual status, meaning large corporations and businesses will still be eligible to receive any refunds owed almost immediately, while the rest of us wait.

“Your money is still coming, and we will not be holding back an extra cent,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Pulling back payments until the end of 2015 will help increase government earnings. This is merely a new structure to a system that has been in place for generations. Sometimes, change is inevitable.”

As many Americans rely every year on their tax returns, planning vacations, expensive purchases, and some even wisely putting it in savings or using it to pay rent or bills, this push could cause some headaches for those people who live paycheck-to-paycheck.

“It’s just awful, seriously awful,” said Marie Jordan, a mother of 5 young children in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts. “I was going to use my refund to hire a babysitter and take a 2-week cruise vacation to the Bahamas in March, all by myself. Maybe find a nice Cabana boy to take back to my stateroom. Apparently that’s not happening, now. I hate our government in times like this.”

Many taxpayers echoed Jordan’s feelings, saying that they need their money sooner rather than later.

“This is going to really kill my February,” said taxpayer Joe Goldsmith, a recently divorced bachelor in Missouri. “I work a crappy retail job, and barely can make ends meet on my weekly paycheck, so I was planning on doing an early file, and getting my money back by February. Even though my bitch ex-wife said I should save it for alimony, I was going to use it to buy a big screen TV and throw a Super Bowl bash for myself and some friends. I guess I will just watch the game alone on my 27″ tube TV instead. Thanks, Obama.”

According to Earnest, the deadline for filing your Federal Income Tax Returns will remain April 15th, with checks and direct deposits being made starting October 15, 2015.

Myrtle Beach To Start Accepting Sand Dollars As Currency

Posted on September 21, 2014 by carriesnotscary

MYRTLE BEACH, South Carolina –

According to Myrtle Beach mayor John Plunkett, the utopia of the east coast will now be accepting sand dollars as currency.

With costs of all tourist expenses skyrocketing, the city decided it needed more options for currency. “There just aren’t enough dollars and cents to generate revenue anymore, especially with the rental costs for a beach umbrella at a shocking $1.00 per minute, and on a beach that could really use a good cleaning at that,” said Plunkett. As for value, one sand dollar will equal one American dollar. “We discussed this a lot, it was a very hard decision. But we figured with the word ‘dollar’ already in the mix, people would get very confused if it meant anything else.”

To be accepted as currency, sand dollars must be dead and dry. “You can’t just take a walk on the beach, find a sand dollar and try to buy a Corona with it. I know it’s a lot to ask, but for this to work we need our tourists and residents to have a grain of sand of dignity!” said Plunkett. “And trust me, a lot of research went into this, so we know what a sand dollar looks like if you use a hair dryer on it.”

The sand dollars will go into effect as real money in Myrtle Beach starting the first of next month. “The city consulted all local businesses about this, and we all agreed it would be great for us,” said local resident and waiter Boyd “Spanky” Gotcrabbes. “I can’t even express how excited I am to have hundreds of sand dollars to display on my mantle when I get home from a shift at the Crabs. No, not that kind! Shack. Crab shack! And sand dollars can’t even fit in a jar, so if I need a few bucks for a drink, all I have to do is grab some decorations, and head off to the bar.”

Plunkett, and the city of Myrtle Beach, are excited for the prospects of this new development. “If this works, other cities will do it…Charleston, Greenville, Columbia. It could even move up all the way to North Carolina. Maybe one day we’ll be in the history books for being the town that saved America from its terrible recession, and not just a boozy beach town with really expensive umbrella rentals.”

Obama To Sign Executive Order Changing U.S. Currency From Dollar To Euro

Posted on August 13, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama is not done transforming America just yet, and according to insiders from the White House, his latest planned executive order will change the way every American does business. President Obama reportedly plans on changing the U.S. dollar to the euro, and the big change could come as early as next week – although the current dollar would still be accepted up until January 1st, so as to ‘not interfere with holiday shopping.’

“The euro is the second most traded currency in the world, and the U.S. dollar is number one. I made a promise to our European friends when I got elected to end American capitalism and control. The first step was to stop being the ‘world police’, and switching to the euro is the next step,” said Obama. “Once our switch is complete, it will lead the way to a true World Bank. Individual governments making decisions will be a thing of the past, one bank, one authority, making all the decisions for the world will become the norm. That is my personal goal. Then, once my presidency is over, I hope to be appointed leader of the World Bank I’ve helped to create, so I can finish what I started in building a better world in my vision.”

“Well I haven’t read the order yet, but the President hasn’t made a bad decision since he took office, so this is probably a great idea,” said Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. “I’m sure the far right wackos will have a problem with the euro, but they have a problem with everything because they’re all racists. If the House and Senate would just do everything the President wanted without bitching, these executive orders wouldn’t be necessary. I’m personally glad that Barack is not letting the constitution get in his way of creating a better United States of America.”

Several Banks Looking To Impose Negative Interest Rates On Customers

Posted on June 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Several national banks have begun looking into the possibility of charging a negative interest rate on all accounts, both check and savings, to all their accountholders.

UE Bank, one of the nation’s largest private banking firms, was the first to implement the change to their customers’ accounts, and since then several other large banks, including Bank of The United States, C.J. Manhattan, Wells-Fortune United, and CitiCorp have all started looking into changing their interest rates to negative amounts as well.

“What this means for our customer is that instead of us paying you a few pennies a month to hold your money, you pay us instead.” Said Maxwell Chase, CEO of UE Banks. “A normal interest rate is about .08%, so you know, it’s not like you’re earning much anyway. We [banks] are taking all the risk holding onto your money. We have to insure it and all that. Heck, we could get robbed! It’s high risk handling cash. So we decided that on top of our normal banking fees, we’ll now start implementing a -.08% interest rate, so every month you give us just a small taste of your account balance, and we’ll promise to keep it safe and working for you.”

Naturally, banking customers are furious over this new change started by UE, and customers from other banking institutions are already protesting by removing their cash and closing accounts.

“I got hit one day with a $48 fee because I was over-drafted by eleven cents.” Said Chris Sharpe, a longtime customer of Wells-Fortune United. “I went in to talk to them about it, and they wouldn’t do a thing for me. Not a damn thing. I’ve been a customer for over 20 years, and never had any other incidents, and they just shut me down. I should have left then. I tell you what, if they’re going to charge me to hold onto my money, I’m taking it out right now. My mattress will hold my cash for free!”

Sharpe isn’t the only person to complain about banking fees, with many other customers of several banks saying they experienced similar problems.

“I was a customer at UE for about 4 years. I had my identity stolen through PayPal or eBay, and it charged my card about $200.” Said Francis Miller. “I asked them to reverse the charges, and they wouldn’t, saying I had to prove that it wasn’t me. How can I prove that it wasn’t me who did something? It cost me the $200, plus another $45 a day in overdraft fees. After about 2 weeks, it was all figured out. They took care of the $200, but those overdraft fees? Yup, I still owed them. I hate banks.”

“That’s not an uncommon feeling.” Said Professor Richard Kim, a financial advisor and teacher at Columbia University. “These banks, they charge what I call ‘fictional fees.’ There is no reason they need to charge you hundreds of dollars for over-drafting a small amount. All that money, it’s completely digital – completely fake, if you will. They have every ability to wipe away whatever they want, but they’d rather just try and force people to pay for something that they don’t rightfully owe.”

With most banks starting their new fiscal year on July 1st, it’s possible that these new negative interest rates could be implemented this year. So far, only the five major banks mentioned here have begun to look into the option, but Professor Kim warns all banking customers to keep an eye on their institution’s interest rates and fees.

“They change these things on a whim, always.” Said Kim. “Keep your eye on the big guys!”