President Obama To Offer Asylum, Health Care Options To ISIS Members

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Will Offer Asylum, Health Care Options To ISIS Members

A White House official confirmed this morning that President Barack Obama will be delivering a speech on Friday evening explaining his plan to offer asylum and free health care to ISIS members, with hopes of dismantling the organization by getting members to leave their fellow fighters and home country to seek refuge in the United States.

President Obama, who sources say already expects some backlash on his decision to ‘kill ISIS with kindness,’ says that he feels that he knows what is best for the US, and will be pushing the bill through in the next couple of weeks while Congress takes its recurring 7 week recess.

“I have done many great things as President of this country,” said Obama via written brief statement to the press, “But ISIS members, terrorists in general, they need to know they are not stuck in their evil ways. We as a country have plenty of room to accept all people, and I am opening our borders and our metaphoric arms to them by offering asylum, jobs, and healthcare. Killing them with kindness, breaking down the walls, is what we need to do to beat these villains. I want everyone to love this country as much as I do.”

“I do not agree with the President’s plan. It is moronic. He is inviting some of the cruelest, hate filled people into our country, and then offering them free health care,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry. “If there was ever a way to make your numbers go down in the popularity polls, this would be it.”

President Obama says will go more into detail on Friday about what exactly he plans to offer the former ISIS members that decide to leave their home country and come to the U.S. According to reports, the President expects to start receiving the first refugees by the end of the month.

Hillary Clinton Caught In Love Affair With Female White House Staff Member

Washington D.C. – Hillary Clinton Caught In Love Affair With White House Staff Member

The Clinton name is back in the news this week, but for once it isn’t former President Bill Clinton who is under the spotlight – this time it’s his wife, Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who is under scrutiny, after allegedly being caught having an affair with her co-worker.

The co-worker in question is a former White House secretary, and it is being speculated that the affair has been happening since Hillary first took the job as Secretary of State. The woman, who so far has only been listed in the press as ‘Samille,’ has not been fully identified. It is still unclear if that is a pseudonym. So far, the only information that appears to be accurate is that the affair has taken place over several years.

‘Samille’ was not directly hired by Clinton, and reports indicate it may have been someone who had worked within the White House for many years, possibly meeting Hillary as far back as when her husband was President. Sources within the White House say that they spent so much time together ‘working,’ and having late-night meetings, that people began to wonder if there was something illicit happening almost as far back as 2012. The alleged affair officially came to light when a White House staffer, who had set up a meeting with Hillary, showed up 15 minutes early only to find the lovers kissing.

Since the accusations, Samille has admitted to it happening a lot more than once, and is claiming that she couldn’t help her emotions towards the former first lady.

“I mean it was something about the power, and the political presence that she holds. Plus, my God – the pantsuits are to die for, you know? They just set a fire in my heart…and between my legs,” said Samille via email to the Associated Press.

Former president Bill Clinton, who was first confronted with the news by reporters who caught him out to dinner on a business meeting, was asked if this would be the end of his marriage with Hillary.

“Oh God, I don’t think so. I mean, I think if anything at this point we would be considered even,” said former president Clinton, not at all taken aback by the news of his wife’s alleged infidelity. “She stood by me while I diddled everything that walked into the Oval Office, or Oral Office, as I liked to call it, haha. It’s high time she took the stick out and had a little fun, if you know what I mean. I just hope this might parlay into a little mixing-together-three, if you catch my drift.”

Political analysts are saying that the news breaking at this time might actually be good for Clinton, especially if she has any plans on running for president in 2016.

“When the truth came out about [Bill] Clinton giving Monica Lewinsky the ol’ heave-ho, and Hillary stood by him for some stupid reason, people called her a coward and a wimp. The claimed she didn’t have the nerve to leave her husband because he was president, when any other woman on the face of the planet would have just said “sayonara,'” said political analyst for the Washington Post Times, Bill Reed. “This turns everything on its head. This will get her the vote if she runs in 2016. Women will begin to love her for that strong sense of womanhood, and men might actually find her appealing now, because all men fantasize about two women going at it. Even if one of them is Hillary Clinton, who has the sex appeal of a school house fire.”

As of this time, there has been no official statement given by Hillary Clinton or anyone from within her political party. When asked about her take on the events, from an ‘insiders’ perspective, Monica Lewinsky said “Well, at least this time it wasn’t me. I certainly don’t need any of those kind of stains on any of my dresses.”

 

Obama Admits To Forging Birth Certificate; President Not Natural-Born U.S. Citizen

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Obama Admits To Forging Birth Certificate; President Not Natural-Born U.S. Citizen

It looks as though many Republicans and ‘birthers’ were right all along. In a press conference this morning from the White House, President Obama admitted that he had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not a natural-born U.S. citizen.

“It’s true that I was not born here in this great country,” said the President in his speech. “That does not mean, though, that I have not led us through some great times. I have fought hard to make sure we are protected. I almost single-handedly killed that son of a b—- bin Laden. I have driven us into, and then right back out of, a horrible recession. I knew what needed to be done to get to where I am, and so I had to make it happen.”

President Obama has been the talk of many conspiracy theories over the course of his presidency, beginning while he was still running for office. At one point in time, a poll showed that over 50% of people in the Republican party thought that Obama had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not constitutionally allowed to be president. These people, often referred to as ‘birthers’, hold onto one of several theories, including that the president was born in Kenya, that he is a dual US/UK citizen, or that he is of Indonesian citizenship. The rumors and theories became so bad that in 2008, President Obama released what is now being found to be a forged birth certificate, stating he was born in Hawaii.

“I had to do what I did to become president,” continued Obama. “Yes, the birth certificate is a forgery. No, I was not born in Hawaii – my God, do I even look like I was born in Hawaii? Don’t answer that, actually. Regardless – as your elected leader, I plan to continue to run this country the best that I can for the remainder of my term, and prove to everyone that a strong leader can come from anywhere, and still take over this great land.”

Before the announcement, President Obama went through the motions of giving himself an executive pardon, making it impossible to stand accountable for breaking the law, something that until this presidency, no one had ever considered possible.

“I have pardoned myself for my crimes, and for lying to the country,” said the President. “Therefore, I will not be able to be arrested or taken into custody. In the eyes of our great judicial system, I have now done nothing wrong.”

Despite the shock of the announcement, and the surprise of the pardon, many reporters at the White House were still wondering where Obama was actually born, if the entire time his birth certificate had just been a ruse.

“I am so glad that you asked that,” said Obama. “To be truthful – no, I am not from this great nation. Nor was I born in Kenya. To be fair, I am actually not even of this world. I come from a distant planet, known as Garlarktaschpel, which when translated to English becomes ‘Change.’ I am, indeed, the most illegal kind of alien there is.”

“I have tried to tell you all from the beginning that ‘Change’ was coming, and I am making this announcement now to let you know that ‘Change’ is very near. My people, the Changers, are nearing Earth. We are coming. The Changers will bring life to those who deserve it, and death to the remaining. It will be The Rapture. It will be the end for most. If you thought you feared ‘Change’ before, then just wait for what’s coming.”

 

Otis Brands Elevator Company Knocks Out Ray Rice Endorsement Deal

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey – Otis Elevator Brands Knocks Out Ray Rice Endorsement Deal

Following release by TMZ this week of a video showing NFL player Ray Rice knocking out his then-fiancee in an Atlantic City hotel elevator, Otis Elevator, manufacturer of most of the world’s elevators, has decided to let Rice go as celebrity Spokesperson for its new ad campaign, “An Uplifting Story”.  The lucrative endorsement deal was said to have totaled in the many hundreds of dollars, and persons close to the disgraced football star say he is floored by the decision.

Otis public relations officer, Carl Winters, said it was a difficult action to take, but necessary.  “Mister Rice’s endorsement had been very good for the elevator business, Otis in particular,” Winters told us by phone from his College Park, Maryland office. “Overall elevator ridership was up 3% over fiscal year 2013, and focus groups easily identified Otis Elevator as the ‘Ray Rice elevator company.” 

Winters said they had been looking forward to many years of association with Mr Rice and “as his career grew, we hoped to see our profits hit new heights, no pun intended.  But we cannot, in good conscience, have anyone associated with our brand who treats other riders so disrespectfully.  It bursts the bubble of the public’s fascination with elevator transportation, and overnight polls already show a drop off in ridership and an increase use of stairs and escalators across the country.”

An industry insider told Empire that by 6 AM the day following the video release, work crews had fanned out across the major US cities to remove Mr Rice’s likeness from billboards and buses advertising the Otis Elevator brand, but noted sadly that this gives the entire elevator transportation industry a black eye.

Junior Semples, President of the International Elevator Operators and Riders Consortium, told us that this will not deal a death blow to the industry, but it is already having a negative impact that will take some time to heal. 

“I have heard complaints from parents all morning with fears their children may be subjected to these so-called ‘Knockout game-style punches’ if they ride an elevator,” he said.  “I don’t know what to tell them except they should always be very careful when traveling by elevator, and whenever possible an adult should accompany children in a no more than five-to-one ratio.”

“Persons riding on an elevator should not have to fear for their safety,” said Semples.  “This incident brings up a lot of troubling questions, for instance, was Ray Rice ever given proper training in elevator etiquette and safety?  Should we allow NFL players to travel by elevator at all?  Why doesn’t the NFL require players to wear a name tag that clearly identifies them as an NFL player so persons entering an elevator can decide for themselves whether they want to risk traveling with them?  That is, at least, until all NFL players are re-educated on proper elevator transportation protocols.”

Screen Shot 2014-09-10 at 1.39.35 PM
In this image from captured security footage, we can clearly see the need for this hotel to upgrade to cameras made post-1993.


In his weekly Saturday morning address, President Obama is expected to talk about the Federal government’s response to the elevator tragedy.  Sources on Capitol Hill have hinted that the President is planning to take executive action by assigning a highly trained guard to travel in elevators nationwide on a random basis, much the same way that Air Marshals have increased their presence in airplanes as more and more attempted attacks take place.  There is a possibility that the White House will utilize Homeland Security Border Patrol agents not currently engaged in babysitting the hundreds of thousands of undocumented children who crossed the border this year for their new ‘elevator watch.’

“It’s like 1972 all over again,” Semples said, referring to the release year for the motion picture The Godfather, which showed fictional mobster Victor Stracci being gunned down in an elevator.  “Ridership plummeted after that damn movie came out, especially in parts of the country with large Italian-American populations. Took years for the industry to rebound, just like the big hit the bathroom shower industry took in 1960 after Janet Leigh was hacked to death in a shower at the Bates Motel.  I just hope this Ray Rice incident won’t cause the same slump, because in this economy that could mean a loss of jobs.”

Mr Rice could not be reached for comment.

Obama To Sign Executive Order Changing U.S. Currency From Dollar To Euro

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Obama To Sign Executive Order Changing U.S. Currency From Dollar To Euro

President Obama is not done transforming America just yet, and according to insiders from the White House, his latest planned executive order will change the way every American does business. President Obama reportedly plans on changing the U.S. dollar to the euro, and the big change could come as early as next week – although the current dollar would still be accepted up until January 1st, so as to ‘not interfere with holiday shopping.’ 

“The euro is the second most traded currency in the world, and the U.S. dollar is number one. I made a promise to our European friends when I got elected to end American capitalism and control. The first step was to stop being the ‘world police’, and switching to the euro is the next step,” said Obama. “Once our switch is complete, it will lead the way to a true World Bank. Individual governments making decisions will be a thing of the past, one bank, one authority, making all the decisions for the world will become the norm. That is my personal goal. Then, once my presidency is over, I hope to be appointed leader of the World Bank I’ve helped to create, so I can finish what I started in building a better world in my vision.”

“Well I haven’t read the order yet, but the President hasn’t made a bad decision since he took office, so this is probably a great idea,” said Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. “I’m sure the far right wackos will have a problem with the euro, but they have a problem with everything because they’re all racists. If the House and Senate would just do everything the President wanted without bitching, these executive orders wouldn’t be necessary. I’m personally glad that Barack is not letting the constitution get in his way of creating a better United States of America.”

 

Obama Signs Executive Order Amending Constitution, Allows Unlimited Terms As President

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Obama Signs Executive Order Amending Constitution, Allows Unlimited Terms As President

President Obama has signed an executive order that seeks to amend the constitution, changing the listed terms a president can serve from the current two to an ‘unlimited’ amount. With support from Congress, the president signed the order with the intent of running for a third term in 2016.

“The people of this great nation deserve a leader that works for them,” said President Obama in a statement from the White House. “The change I promised during my first race is coming soon. It is very hard to un-do all the faults of your predecessor in only 4 short years. That is why I ran again, and you have elected me again for another 4 years. But even 8 years can sometimes not be enough time. So that is why, with the support of the U.S. Congress, I have exercised my rights of executive to sign this order, which will amend the Constitution of the United States, and allow for an unlimited number of terms as President.”

In 1940, Franklin Roosevelt won his third term as president. After bringing the country through the Great Depression and almost all of WWII, Roosevelt became one of the most popular presidents in US history. After his third term was completed, Roosevelt actually went on to win his fourth term, but died shortly afterwards. Upon his death, Congress drafted the 22nd amendment to the US Constitution, which states that a president can only serve two elected terms, for a total of 8 years.

“At the time this article was written, it was important to the structure and future of this great country,” said President Obama. “The United States had gone through tough times, and in 1947, after the death of Roosevelt, Congress decided that we needed this amendment to avoid a monarchy in this country. I am not seeking to be the King of the United States. I simply wish to try again, to run again, to continue the good work that I have done for this country.”

President Obama said that despite the changes being made to the 22nd amendment which allow him and any future president to serve unlimited terms, it does not change the fact that the office of President must be secured by vote.

“Either myself or any future man or woman who serves as President of this great country may now choose to run indefinite terms, but that does not mean that the people, whom we dutifully serve, will always vote to elect the same person,” said Obama.

The ratification was signed into order on Friday. As of the time of this writing, President Obama had not officially announced his intentions to run for a third term in 2016, but sources from within the White House say the announcement should be made soon.

Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann To Support Each Other For Republican Nomination in 2016

ST. PAUL, Minnesota – Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin To Support Each Other For Republican Nomination in 2016

In a surprise combined press conference Michele Bachmann (Rep. Minnesota) and Sarah Palin (ex-governor, ex-reality show star, ex-fox news correspondent, current star of the SarahPalin network) announced that they would be supporting each other for the republican presidential nomination in 2016.

“With 2016 being only two or maybe three years away, it’s time to announce our candidacy,” Bachmann announced to the crowd of nearly 50 eager supporters.

“We need to put the United States back on the path of rightness,” Palin said. “We need to stop this influx of immigrants. Everybody knows our great country wasn’t built on immigration!”

When questioned on how they could both support each other when in the end there can be only one nominee for president, the two ladies surprisingly had an answer.

“Whichever one of us gets the nomination for president will choose the other one for their running mate,” Bachmann said.

“Yes,” Palin agreed. “This way our country gets not only its first female president, but also our first female vice president. It’s like killing two moose with one shot.” Palin also noted that she has experience as a losing VP candidate, which she will be sure to pass on to Michele.

The two women both agreed that either of them would be a far superior president than Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton.

“How does being Secretary of State even remotely make you qualified to be leader of this great country?” Palin asked. “My SarahPalin network, which costs a very reasonable $9.95 a month, has greatly prepared me to be President. After all, the president needs to know about the Internet and stuff and I know stuff,” Palin noted.

Bachmann practically snickered at the thought of an ex-Secretary of State becoming president, commenting that she didn’t even know that secretaries did anything other than take dictation.

“Secretaries are SO out of date. You would think she would at least be Administrative Assistant of state. What did she do? Bring coffee to the males of state?” Bachmann smiled proudly when she added, “I have my husband to bring me coffee.”

George W. Bush Arrested for Cocaine Possession

DALLAS, Texas – George W Bush Arrested For Cocaine Possession

One of the most notorious Presidents in history of The United States of America is back in the spotlight, but not because of his politics. George W. Bush was arrested in a Dallas suburb late Tuesday evening after a routine traffic stop uncovered over an ounce of cocaine in his glove compartment.

Dallas police say they pulled over Bush after he made a right turn without signaling. Officers report they were surprised when seeing it was the ex-president, but felt something was off about his behavior. They say Bush seemed under the influence of a narcotic, and the officers on-scene asked to search the car. Curiously, Bush consented, and police found the narcotics.

“We pulled over the truck and were about to write a simple traffic ticket and things escalated fast,” said officer Charles Cane, a veteran officer with the Dallas Police Department. “At first my partner and I were stunned with who was in the truck ,and [Bush] began to crack jokes and asked if we wanted to take a picture with him. I noticed he was sniffling quite a bit and the glaze on his eyes screamed that the was under the influence.”

Cane said that once the officers uncovered the cocaine, Bush tried to bribe them to keep from getting arrested. When that failed, he turned to threats and rambling, reportedly saying that he would ‘get the FBI to kick their a–‘ and that ‘Presidents can break any laws they want.’

“I broke so many laws when I was in office, and I didn’t see you coming to try to arrest me then!” Bush shouted at police officers. “I’ve been doing coke for decades! I used to blow lines out of a Skull & Bones in New Haven tittie bars when you were making nice in your diapers, kid. You just want your name in the papers next to mine.”

“It was a tough arrest to make, but I didn’t become a police officer to make easy decisions. He begged me over and over to let it slide, then he offered me money, then he called me an ass—-, but that is the way the law goes. We don’t offer special treatment to anyone in Dallas. I don’t care who you are.”

Representatives for Bush have yet to comment, but bail was set at $5,000 and posted immediately. Bush spent less than 6 hours in a holding cell before being released.

 

Bill Clinton Hits Talk Show Circuit to Promote New Book of White House Themed Erotica

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  empire-news-bill-clinton-hits-talk-show-circuit-to-promote-new-white-house-themed-erotica-novel

Former President Bill Clinton hit the talk show circuit this week to promote his new book, a collection of White House themed erotica. Clinton’s book tour actually parallels wife Hilary’s, as she continues promoting her own book, Hard Choices, a grounded, autobiographical look at her time as Secretary of State from 2009 to 2013.

The former president took to the airways to promote his  book, simply titled Hard, which follows the exploits of a main character named “President Stiff Poundstone,” who takes part in an increasingly bizarre series of sexual encounters in-between presidential events.

Former President Clinton has remained cagey on the question of whether President Poundstone is entirely fictional, though he has hinted that parts of the story are based on his own time in the White House. In an interview with Robin Roberts on “Good Morning America,” Clinton explained that “In chapter 6, where President Poundstone makes sweet love to the sexy brunette head of the Federal Reserve in exchange for taking $360 billion off of the federal debt? Well, that’s partly true, I really did reduce the federal debt by that much.”

Indeed, some have speculated that former President Clinton wants Hard to, in part, be his way of rewriting the history of his Presidency. Those who subscribe to this belief point to the books tenth chapter, where the media accuse President Poundstone of having sex with an intern. In Mr. Clinton’s presidency, such an accusation lead to an eventual impeachment trial. In Clinton’s new book, however, President Poundstone simply admits to the affair and, to quote the text, “… Everyone agreed that it was an awesome thing to do, and all the media high-fived the President as they shotgunned Pabst Blue Ribbon beer together.

Hard’s extremely adult subject matter and coarse language meant that Clinton was precluded from reading any large sections of it during his appearances. Instead, the former President was forced to merely summarize parts of the book, hoping to entice readers with his descriptions.

On “CBS Sunday Morning,” Clinton told Charles Osgood that “In chapter three, President Poundstone has to entertain the hot blonde twin Polish ambassadors in order to prevent ruining a state dinner. Things get really steamy when a lobster escapes from a pot of boiling water and joins the fun. It’s one of my favorite chapters- hell I’m getting a chubby just thinking about it.”

Most of Mr. Clinton’s public appearances promoting the book have been solo, but he was accompanied by Hilary during a segment on Morning Joe with Joe Scarborough. During the interview, Mr. Clinton was engaged and egarly answered all of Scarborough’s questions, while Hilary kept her head buried in her hands, only occasionally looking up to stare angrily at her husband and ask “Why can’t I just have my own thing just this one time?”

 

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