‘Tales From The Crypt’ Reboot To Hit HBO In 2016

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tales

LOS ANGELES, California – 

A reboot of the extremely popular horror series from the 1990s, Tales From The Crypt, is being planned for production by HBO, and slated to be added to their lineup of shows for the winter lineup in 2016.

“Frankly, we didn’t know that this show had such a major fanbase, but they have been clamoring for new episodes ever since the show went off the air,” said Cryptkeeper voice John Kassir. “Frankly, we never would have stopped making the series at all, except we ran out of puns for the Cryptkeeper. If we could have come up with more on the spot, we would have kept the series going. We’ve had many years, though, to come up with more, and we’re ready.”

Kassir says that the new series will be all new episodes, not remakes of the previous, with the exception of some “fan favorites.”

“No one is saying which ones though, yet,” said Kassir.

Bill Nye To Be Awarded Nobel Prize

WASHINTGON, D.C. –

Everyone’s favorite TV scientist, Bill Nye – known for his children’s program in the 90s as well as for being a throwback internet celebrity – is being recognized for all his work in basic, 8th grade-level sciences by being awarded the Nobel Prize in Television Science.

The award, the first to be awarded by Nobel, is given to people who pretend to practice sciences on television programs. According to the Nobel committee, Nye is the “perfect candidate” for the award, as his actual knowledge of science and scientific topics is limited only to what his writers can come up with for him to explain.

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“Mr. Nye has spent many years in front of TV cameras, promoting and discussing science at the most basic of levels, and his nostalgia factor from millennials is through the roof,” said Nobel committee spokesperson Marsha Lewis. “Because of his great fame on TV, and for furthering the interest in generic, half-assed sciences, we have decided to bestow upon Mr. Nye our greatest honor: The Nobel Prize In Television Science.”

Nye will be accepting his prize in a televised program to air in December.

Bear Grylls Hospitalized With Urine Poisoning

bear grylls

McMURDO STATION, Antarctica – 

Edward Michael “Bear” Grylls, an explorer who is best known for his TV series Man Vs. Wild, was reportedly hospitalized while on a trek in Antarctica. Reports indicate that Grylls was rushed to a facility in McMurdo Station after complaining of violent stomach cramps.

“When he arrived, Mr. Grylls was in severe pain, and we ran multiple tests,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the McMurdo General Hospital. “In questioning him, we discovered that it was quite common for him to drink his own urine while on his treks. When we checked, his urea-levels were off the charts.”

According to Brown, it is actually not completely unsafe to drink your own urine, as it is mostly water, sodium, and potassium, but that you can only do so once, maybe twice, before your urine becomes poisonous.

“You could wake up tomorrow, and drink your pee, and you’d be fine,” said Brown. “You could probably drink your next pee, too. After that, you’re starting to drink pee that has gone through your system multiple times, and that is going to cause problems. That is what happened to Mr. Grylls.”

At the time of this writing, Grylls was still hospitalized, and was having his system flushed with clean, clear liquids.

“We highly recommended that Mr. Grylls no longer drinks his own pee,” said Brown.

TLC, MTV Partner On New Reality Show ‘I Didn’t Know I Was 16 And Pregnant’

baby

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

With high ratings for both TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant and MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, the parent companies of the two networks, Discovery and Viacom, respectively, have announced a partnership to develop a new series, I Didn’t Know I Was 16 and Pregnant. The show will chronicle teens who don’t realize that they’re pregnant until they are being rushed to the emergency room.

“Much like I Didn’t Know…, this new show will focus on mothers -to-be who are, for some reason, unaware that they are pregnant,” said showrunner Kathleen Kennedy. “The difference is, instead of just being 40-year-old women who think they have a 9 month long case of gas, the show will focus on ignorant teens who are too stupid to use protection and too scared to talk to their parents.”

Both shows have garnered high ratings for their respective networks, and the joint partnership reveals a common goal amongst television networks – ratings and money.

“All we want is for people to be entertained,” said Kennedy. “If watching these poor sad sacks have their lives ruined unexpectedly will do that, then hell, we’re all about making sure that we get it all on film.”

In the first season, Kennedy says that viewers can expect to hear stories from 5 young women, all of whom are 15 or 16-years-old, and at least one story from a girl who denies ever having had sex, even screaming it while she’s pushing out a baby.

“That’s a hell of an episode!” said Kennedy. “Divinity is definitely not in that baby’s future, though. There’s a twist you won’t see coming at all, but I’ll hint that it sets up another new show we’re working on, 16 and Incestually Pregnant.

Handgun Charged With Murder Of 3 In Virginia

gun

MONETA, Virginia – 

In a shocking series of events, a semi-automatic handgun has been charged with the murder of 3 people in Moneta, Virginia, after a widely-broadcast shooting recently took place. Prosecutors are saying that since the alleged shooter was also killed, the only responsible party remaining is the actual gun itself.

“After murdering two people, the gunman used this semi-automatic pistol to then kill himself, leaving nothing behind except for the gun,” said prosecuting attorney Myles Shepherd. “Guns are extremely dangerous, and we feel it is time that they should be held accountable for their crimes.”

Attorneys for the defense team say that the Ruger semi-automatic handgun was acting under the control of someone else, and should therefore not be held accountable for its actions.

“This gun was simply doing what guns were made to do, and that’s fire off rounds shamelessly into the bodies of other people, even if that happens on national TV and in videos posted to social media,” said defense attorney Jeremiah Clifford. “Yes, people were killed. Yes, it was senseless and violent. But is that really the fault of the gun, or the person who was holding it? Everyone knows that guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

“People may kill people, sure, but guns kill way more often. We strongly believe that guns are to blame for the crime and hate in this world, and that finally holding the weapon responsible will force peace everywhere,” said Shepherd. “Guns across the globe will be afraid to fire. They will no longer hurt and kill innocent people. They will be held accountable for their actions, and we may finally get some resolution to the problems of violence plaguing our nation.”

A hearing is set for this week in the Moneta County court system. If convicted, the gun could, ironically, face the death penalty.

 

Netflix Pulls Plug On Orange Is The New Black; The Reason Why May Shock You

oitnb

LOS GATOS, California –

In a bizarre turn of events, and just months after renewing the series for a fourth season, Netflix has reportedly announced that the critically acclaimed series Orange is the New Black has been cancelled.

“We regret to inform Netflix members that Orange is the New Black has been permanently cancelled,” said Netflix in a nationally published press release. “Additionally, starting October 1st, 2015, past episodes will no longer be available for streaming on our service. We apologize to fans of the show, but the time has come to say goodbye.”

The news is a shock to fans of the show, which is based on true events described in Piper Kerman’s memoir, Orange Is the New Black: My Year in a Women’s Prison, written about her experiences during her time in jail. The show was originally renewed for a fourth season in early April, before the third season had even been released.

According to inside sources, a Netflix programming manager insisted to that there be more male leads in the show. When Kohan put her foot down and refused to buy into the idea, Netflix management made known their displeasure with how the show represents women as being strong, forceful, and oftentimes, sexually charged and agressive.

“A woman’s place has always been in the home, in the kitchen, taking care of children, doing laundry, waiting for her man to come home,” said an anonymous source inside the Netflix production team. “Women in jail? Ugh. It’s like we took everything great about OZ, threw that out the window completely, and make this show with the crappy leftovers. There’s only guy one the show, and that is Jason Biggs. Jason Biggs. The guy who screwed a pie in one half-assed comedy 15 years ago. My God, he’s just horrible. How does anyone even watch this show in the first place?”

“There are just way too many damn stereotypes on this show, anyway,” said former writer for the show Jarissa Myers. “They forced us to write sassy Latinas, angry Russians, and bossy blonde bitches on a daily basis. How many times can we really see Taylor Schilling’s character Piper fall in and out of love with someone that is just abysmal for her? The show is just getting bad. It was time to pull the plug anyway.”

According to entertainment lawyer and Empire News correspondent Jeremy Downard, there is no chance for OITNB to take the show to a television network or another streaming service such as Hulu or Amazon Prime, due to the type of contract originally agreed upon between Kerman and Netflix.

‘Lip Synch Battle’ Show Proves People Will Watch Anything, Regardless of Entertainment Value

LSB

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Lip Synch Battle, the new series on SpikeTV that pits two celebs against each other in a lip synch competition has been heating up in the ratings, as each week two new megastars pretend to have talent to the cheers of a live audience.

“We knew when Jimmy Fallon started doing this bit on his show and the clips were going viral that we could base a whole series around it,” said SpikeTV CEO Ross Doucheman. “Now, each week we get new celebs who may or may not be talented in their own field to come out and pretend to have musical dance and singing talent. It’s really a stupid idea, but hey, people are watching it.”

Doucheman says that the ratings for the series have skyrocketed since the first episode, which featured Fallon facing off against action star Dwayne Johnson.

“Basically, we got two people out on stage who are mediocre at what they do, and they pretended to be great at singing. It was a good show,” said Doucheman. “Now, we’re doing it every single week, and all sorts of people are watching. Really, I think we could film celebs taking a shit for 30 minutes and air that, and people would watch. It doesn’t even matter anymore, we’re definitely not ‘trying’ or anything. But, either way, I’m still rolling around in a brand new Tesla 300, so keep watching, people!”

Many Retail Stores Begin Christmas TV Advertising Campaigns On May 1st

Many Retail Stores Begin Christmas Advertising Campaigns May 1st

UNITED STATES – 

Starting May 1st, many retailers will begin running their Christmas and holiday themed ads on television and via the internet, in hopes of getting a jump on competitors who offer similar products for similar pricing.

“We normally would not jump into the holiday spirit so soon,” said Best Buy advertising manager Cliff Blue. “But we saw that Future Shop and HH Gregg were both going to be launching their Christmas ads, so we decided to do so as well. We have to stay competitive.”

Other retailers who begin holiday advertising this May include K-Mart, Home Depot, and Target.

“Basically at this point, everyone is just trying to keep up with Wal-Mart, and whatever they’re doing,” said a board member of Target who wished to remain anonymous. “We heard that they were going to be launching Christmas ads in June, so we wanted to break away. We already have plans of starting our Christmas ads for next year on December 26th of this year, so that way no one can ever say they were before us.”

Customers of all the stores say they couldn’t care less what the ads on TV are showing, because most of them don’t see TV commercials anyway.

“Well, we had cable up until a month ago, but we finally cut the cord, so I never see commercials anymore,” said Anne Taxe, of Washington. “Come to think of it, even when we had cable we DVR’d everything and skipped commercials. Yeah, so, I guess it doesn’t matter what they’re trying to shove in my face – I’m not seeing it anyway.”

“Christmas is a time for giving, and for caring, and what better way to show someone you care than to let them know you were thinking of them in the middle of the spring, and had their gift ready 8 months in advance?” asked Blue. “This year, give them something they’ll always remember, like a 65″ Panasonic TV. On sale for the holiday at only $1,300 with a 4-year protection plan!”

Saturday Night Live To Move To Wednesday 7PM Time Slot

Saturday Night Live To Move To Wednesday 7PM Time Slot

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

For the last 40 years, Saturday Night Live has aired their sketch comedy show on late night television, and of course, it has always been aired on Saturday nights. Now, some big changes are underway in hopes of reenergizing a brand that has exposed the world to some of the best comedians of all time.

“Basically, we need to shake things up,” said SNL executive Lorne Michaels. “We’ve been on for 40 years, the same night, same time, doing the same kinds of things. We need to stay competitive in TV, and this is a change that has been long overdue.”

According to NBC, the network that airs the show, and Michaels, SNL will move from its current time slot to one that NBC feels will help boost ratings, choosing to air the show Wednesday nights at 7pm.

“Right now, there is nothing good to watch on TV Wednesday nights at 7pm, and we hope to change that,” said NBC Chairman Robert Greenblatt. “Moving SNL to Wednesday is a huge change, but one that both Lorne and the network really feel will breathe a new life into the stagnant show.”

Saturday Night Live will reportedly retain its name, although aside from the Saturday part changing, the Live part will reportedly be changing as well.

“Yeah, we’re going to tape it on Monday afternoons now,” said Michaels. “To be honest, no one will notice anyway. It will allow us to get better performances from our cast and guests, as well as allow us to hone the bits a little more. They tend to fall flat most of the time right now, and we can change that for sure. The pre-taped segments, like Dick In A Box or Lazy Sunday by The Lonely Island were always the more popular ones, anyway. Now, the whole show can be a YouTube sensation!”

The show will take up its new time slot starting next season.

Bill Gates To Appear On Next Season of ABC Show ‘Shark Tank’

Bill Gates To Appear On Next Season of ABC Show 'Shark Tank'

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Although they had tried to keep the news quiet, ABC recently confirmed rumors that the world’s richest man, Bill Gates, the former chairman of Microsoft Computers, would be a guest on their hit TV series Shark Tank. 

“We are super, super excited to get Bill Gates onto our show,” said producer Ryan Miller. “He’s the richest man in the world, worth over $52 billion dollars. He could theoretically invest in any product that comes his way, and whether it’s a winner or a loser, it wouldn’t matter in the slightest – he’d still be the richest man in the world.”

Fans of the show they are very excited to see Gates on the series, as he is well known for his extreme generosity when it comes to charities and investments.

“It’s going to be so cool! I hope he invests in everything,” said fan Marsha Tyler on the Shark Tank Facebook page. “He’s literally the American dream – build something, steal some things, drop out of college, and burn your way to the top. It’s amazing!”

Several people, though, are not as enthusiastic about Gates coming onto the show – the current panel of “Shark” Investors.

Marc Cuban, who is the only billionaire sitting regularly on the panel, says there is already animosity towards him because he is more wealthy than all the other sharks – combined.

“They already hate me because I make great business decisions, and I’m worth more money than all of them together,” Said Cuban. “Personally, I appreciate when others have success, even if it’s more success than me. I’m super happy to have Bill come on the show – but I know the others will be insanely jealous. Even the super-rich get jealous of those that have more than they do.”

Other guests on the show have included comedian and entrepreneur Jeff Foxworthy, who has an estimated net worth of $100 million, and GoPro Camera inventor Nicholas Woodman, who is the wealthiest investor to appear on the show so far, worth over $3.5 billion. Mark Cuban is worth an estimated $2.7 billion.

Bill Gates says he is “excited” to be on the show, but doesn’t know what he is looking to invest in, but hopes that at least one of the companies has created a new, better prophylactic.

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